I asked her to move here.. doesnt look like she will

[simplenation]

So we have been dating for close to 6 months now. I've been in a stable job for the last 3 years. It's more than a job its a career. She has been working a temp job out near where she lives. My employer toyed with the idea of relocating me to her home town for the last three months or so. Well last week it became clear that that wasn't going to happen. At the same time my girl friend got laid off from her temp job. She always said she would move in a heart beat if I asked.. but i've been scared to have to make her quit her job and move here..but since she was unemployed i'd figure id step up and invite her out here. I found an apartment for us, found her possible work and then asked her if she was interested in moving here. After three days of her acting odd she tells me that she is gonna move in with her girl friend to save money and we will revisit the move in the future. I feel like she is me. We've gone this long because she thought i was gonna move there for work.. i feel as tho that was the only reason she once was willing to move here. What do i do. I think she is a really special person and i'd love to be with her but just feel rejected. Is it fair for me to leave my stable job to move to her... where she was working a random temp job and is now unemployed ?

[konstantine]

Don't leave your career for this girl. If it meant that much to her, she would move to be with you. I think you need to step back and maybe accept the fact that she doesn't want to be as serious with you as you thought. Have a conversation with her, and ask her about her feelings and why she has changed her mind about moving.

[Fudgie]

I agree, don't leave your stable career for this girl.

 

If she really wanted to move to be with you "in a heartbeat", then she would have. She became unemployed and you found the apartment, blah blah. Why not?

 

The clue here is that she "acted odd" for 3 days and then BS'd you. Of course, you don't KNOW that she BS'd you, but it sounds like you can feel it in your gut.

 

You need to listen to that. Talk to her and see where you stand. really, she had no reason to waffle on that.

[RedDress]

I don't think it's a reflection of her feelings for you, I think she was "willing to move" there because she knew (thought) it would never happen.

 

How far apart do you live?

 

I think that either:

a) She will never move from where she is. If you want to be with her, you will eventually have to move to her.

OR

b) She feels it is too soon. You have, after all, only been dating 6 months. In the grand scheme of things, that's not that long.

 

The thing is... if she was already laid off... it's kind of hard for me to justify her not moving to you. I mean... she has nothing to lose.

 

She may never move to you.

[waveseer]

Think about this and see if it applies.

 

You have passed the point of no return as far as extending her your trust. There are no longer any words she can use which will speak louder than her inaction.

 

So what does a person do at this point? Let the other person know that you are having a difficult time believing their intentions. Either they will take action or they will not. You will know you've done all you can.

[catfeeder]

You've only been dating for 6 months; too soon for any big life changes for either of you. Do visits.

[winchester3]

Get it off your chest and just tell her how you feel, with out sounding pushy about her moving in.

[drummerboyfnd]

Wow! Saying I was willing to relocate and actually going through the work of doing it are two different things. I can't imagine someone asking me to rush through all that at the drop of a hat just because he had found an apt. Did you consider making this decision together, and having her be involved in setting up her new life?

[simplenation]

thank you for the responses. To answer some of the questions. She keeps telling me that all she wants to do is be with me, how much she loves me, etc. but having pushed and pushed for us to be together she totally freaked out when I extended the offer for her to move out here. I've had several signs that made me realized that she wasnt interested in moving out here any time soon. She is currently living with her parents because she had moved back to her home town to find work. She claims that she wants to move in with her girl friend who recently bought a house in her area.. so that she could save money. I'm thinking.. come on. . if your intentions are to save money so that we can be together than you would stay home and do that. As far as taking her out of her comfort-zone or what not. I found a place that I could afford on my own in the event that it didn't work out. We both know of a place that she can work and make decent money just to settle in with. I offered for her to fly out for a week to interview and what not and above all I didn't pressure her to move tomorrow. I just presented her with this option while she was in the position to take a chance. The freakout and the sudden urge to move in with her girlfriend leads me to believe that she is too immature for this. She keeps me attached because she constantly says the only thing she wants is to be with me.. loves me ..etc. Honest to god this girl is such a sweetheart when i'm with her, she is beautiful and a ton of fun to spend time with.. but dating her from 10 hours away has been hard.

[drummerboyfnd]

Let me be more clear: "extending the offer" is not the same thing as setting everything up--that's way too pushy!

Moving is much more than just finding a place and a job. It's packing up your things, deciding what to take, what to leave, what to trash, which means working through memories and rethinking priorities. If she's going to live with you (which she wouldn't have to if she moved to your town--you could just have a dating relationship with your own places for a while), you would have a lot to talk to about how that will work, especially since you are basically skipping over a step to move in together. She would have to leave her family, friends, and familiar places behind, figure out the best route to the gas station, where she likes to hang out, her own social network (yes, she should have a life apart from you)...

Expecting her to do all that in the blink of an eye is either unrealistic or selfish of you.