Since his ex tried to ruin things, he's gone hot and cold towards me

[tigerlily73]

Hi!

 

I'm in a new relationship with a super lovely guy; we've fallen in love and everything was lovely...until his 'ex' found out about us. They've never been together; they had a fling, she got pregnant; they dated other people whilst she was pregnant...so they have a child together and are friends for the sake of their child. When she found out she approached me in public and tried to cause a scene, but I was very calm and reasonable with her. I think she's worried he'll stop being there for her, so I reassured her I wouldn't come between them. She made out he still loves her etc., but I don't believe that is the case and mutual friends have told me he's not interested in her romantically. She later apologised and laid down a few terms, which I'm cool about.

 

The problem is, since this happened (2 weeks ago) my guy has backed off and doesn't seem as interested in me anymore. He reassured me I had nothing to worry about, he wants to continue seeing me etc., but I'm not so sure. We previously saw one another every 2-3 days and now I'm lucky to see him once a week. And when we do, he seems drained of energy and he's stopped saying I love you, I want to be with you all the time, etc etc. He cancelled a date at the last minute, but he did this a couple of times at the beginning of our relationship, so I'm not too worried about that. He hasn't had a relationship for 4 years because she keeps ruining things for him (or rather, he lets her) and is used to his own space now. He seems pleased to see me still, and is physically affectionate (cuddles, kisses) and we still make one another laugh, but I miss the sweet nothings. He's never been one to text much, but I've noticed that he's not texting like he did before. He's stopped telling me he loves me by text etc.

 

Do you think he's lost interest in me? I'm playing it cool by giving him his space and letting him contact me first. He seemed his normal keen self 2 nights ago, but I've since seen him and it's just not the same. He's holding back, has his guard up.

 

I wonder if his ex is giving him grief, making him feel guilty and it's draining him. Any advice greatly appreciated - thanks. I'm beginning to wonder if I should end things - if maybe this is what he wants me to do.

[misssmithviii]

He doesn't sound ready for a committed relationship with anyone right now. To have been so affected, so easily, so often by his 'ex-who's-his-child's-mother', is a clear sign that he's having difficulties knowing what he really wants. Unfortunately, it sounds like if you do back off, he'll freak out and beg for you and that'll only lead to a push-and-pull relationship where you only feel loved when you're trying to pull away so it happens habitually.

 

Ugh, bottom line he doesn't sound quite ready...

[tigerlily73]

Thank you. From what I know, I think he's so used to keeping the peace with this controlling woman that he sacrifices his own freedom and happiness in order to do so. I think he's become accustomed to things going wrong for him relationship wise - he doesn't believe in happy relationships etc. What a shame!!! I've been asking myself, do I really want a man who can't talk to me about what is bothering me? Do I want this man who doesn't have the spine to stand up to his ex? Because really, she's only a problem if he lets her.

 

I agree with you re the push/pull idea. I went no contact last weekend, so did he, then when I gave in (I miss you) he came running and when I didn't reply straight away he wanted to know what was wrong.

 

I miss the guy I first met, but I'm prepared to let him go. My friends reckon the ex is giving him hell and he's waiting for the dust to settle, that he won't talk to me about it because he doesn't want to frighten me off. I'm so confused!!

[Blue Skittles]

I wouldn't make any rash decisions just yet. How long have you been together?

 

My bf and I have been together for just over 4 months now and I find that all the sweet nothings that used to happen in the beginning are kind of dying out now. Not that its terribly a bad thing, but like you, I do miss it. He doesn't text me as often or say he misses me or call me beautiful 20 times a day like he used to. I think its just cuz we are getting comfortable with each other.

 

I think the thing I would be more concerned about is the amount of time you two are spending together. Have you made any attempts to have more time with him? I mean maybe he's just busy or tired, or maybe she is causing him a lot of stress. It wouldn't hurt to talk to him about it and ask him how he's feeling. For some reason guys don't like to open up and spill all their emotions but if you ask them about it and ask some questions they will likely share with you if something is bothering them.

 

Anyways, try that and see how things go. If he's still distant and its' really bothering you then maybe it is time to break-up but don't do it without talking to him first.

[DN]

Just make sure that this is cause and effect and there isn't another reason for him being like this.

[tigerlily73]

Hi, we've only been dating a couple of months but during this time he's moved house and is busy settling in. He also works long hours and has a hobby he loves, so I expect he's busy adjusting. He's made me very welcome in his new home, buying things for 'us' and saying he wants me there all the time. I will give it more time. A friend of ours who knows him really well told me he is difficult to be around (he's not at all - we're so compatible, same interests in many things and both understand the need for solitude) and is too laid back for his own good. Maybe he'll come out of his cave soon. I'll give it a few weeks and if there's no change, I'll know what to do. I'll focus on other things for now! Thanks

[Blue Skittles]

Also - if he's moving into a new place and busy, it might be a really good idea to reignite that spark is to go one day and cook him a nice supper, or do something really sweet for him. It'll let him know you are still into him and really care. Maybe he is sensing that you are withdrawing too and being so laidback he's going with your flow.

[tigerlily73]

Thanks Blue Skittles. Communication is a two way thing, and I should've mentioned that whilst he has stopped whispering sweet nothings, so have I. He may be following my lead, you're right, but I'm also following his. I'm so busy wondering why he seems 'cold' that I've forgotten I may be coming accross as the same (I have been a little detached, waiting for him to make the first move). I plucked up the courage to message him that I was thinking of how much I love him (I really do) and he actually replied straight away. Ok, he didn't say the same to me, but he called me by the affectionate name he has for me. I wonder if perhaps saying that to him reassured him a little, but since then, alas, still none of the usual messages.

 

I'll wait for him to suggest meeting up (he asked today when he'd see me next - an encouraging sign!) and take your advice and do something that shows how much I care. A great idea, thanks

[pumpkinmoon]

Hang on a minute.... What are these terms she has laid down? If he was single and living a single life before he met you and he was still taking care of the child, why does she feel the need to lay terms down now that he has you?

[tigerlily73]

But in the meantime I'm going to stop worrying and get on with my own busy life!!! I do know that if it all goes wrong, I'll be absolutely fine and will just move on. If he's happier without me then I'd rather that than have him keeping me dangling because he doesn't want to commit or lose me completely. Or he doesn't have the heart to tell me he's had a change of heart. I've been there before and I much prefer to know exactly where I stand.

[tigerlily73]

Hang on a minute.... What are these terms she has laid down? If he was single and living a single life before he met you and he was still taking care of the child, why does she feel the need to lay terms down now that he has you?

 

Hi, she's told me I'm not allowed to have anything to do with their child, which is fair enough. I have a child myself who doesn't know I am seeing someone. I've seen it a lot - when someone moves on, their still single ex (esp the main carer of the child) feels they could be losing a friend, their support, money, etc to the new woman/man in their ex partner's life. It can also cause resentment in that he/she is left single whilst their ex is off having a lovely new relationship, so they sometimes do anything they can to sabotage it to keep control over the ex. It's a shame because the child often misses out on doing family things with the parent and new partner.

[Blue Skittles]

Yeah I had to realize that with my boyfriend. I think I am like you - I like it when the guy makes the first move and often wait until they do. But my boyfriend is really laid back and soooo easy-going - he just kind of goes with whatever is happening so if I become withdrawn he seems ok with it. But one night before he left for a week of work I went over and stayed with him and baked him his favorite cookies and he told me how much he loved me and how lucky he was to have me. it was great.

[pumpkinmoon]

Hi, she's told me I'm not allowed to have anything to do with their child, which is fair enough. I have a child myself who doesn't know I am seeing someone. I've seen it a lot - when someone moves on, their still single ex (esp the main carer of the child) feels they could be losing a friend, their support, money, etc to the new woman/man in their ex partner's life. It can also cause resentment in that he/she is left single whilst their ex is off having a lovely new relationship, so they sometimes do anything they can to sabotage it to keep control over the ex. It's a shame because the child often misses out on doing family things with the parent and new partner.

If this is to be a serious relationship with a future, she has to realise that you will be a part of her childs life whether she likes it or not. Of course his child with always come before his partner, but you need to come before his ex.