Live-N-Learn Posted April 30, 2010 Share Posted April 30, 2010 I was dumped in 3 months ago but we really never ended it completely until 2 weeks ago. She sent a lot of mixed signals and strung me along until I went NC 14 days ago. She even slept with me on St Patty's day. So I met another girl 4 days ago, she is really nice and we went out drinking and ended up back at my place and sleeping together. Well we went out again the next night and last night with the same result. Please do not judge me, I know it was not a wise thing to do and I normally do not do this. I have only slept with 5 women in the past 10 years. She is the same as me but something just clicked between us and it happened. I am starting to feel pretty uncomfortable and don't know what I should do. I like her but I find myself comparing her to my ex. My ex was a great dancer and great in bed. I found myself at times comparing the two. I have to admit my ex wins in both areas. Not that is was not good just not like my ex. I found myself instead of being really happy today, I feel worse. I miss my ex more. Finding someone that is a real quality girl who is really into me may be helping in some ways but I feel like in other ways it has set me back. Has this happened to anyone else? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lavender25 Posted April 30, 2010 Share Posted April 30, 2010 Don't do it. I feel weird giving you advice because I'm a lot younger than you, but I did this once and that's all it took for me to not ever want to do it again. My ex dumped me after being together for 7 years and 2 months later I ran into this guy and things just seemed to click. He found me on Facebook and we went on 10 dates in 2 weeks. Things really seemed to be looking up and I was so happy that I wasn't hurting anymore and had someone to appreciate me. But I constantly questioned why I was with the new guy: Just so I wouldn't hurt anymore? To get back at my ex and prove that someone wants me? To show that I can get with someone faster than he can? When my ex ended up with my friend/coworker it was very hard to deal with that pain and try to work on a brand new relationship which should've shown to me that it was much too soon. My relationship only lasted for 5 months and the reasons weren't because of my unresolved issues with my ex, but just the emotional rollercoasted I was on and feeling like I was torn between 2 men was enough to make it not worth it. I'd suggest cooling off on the sex for a while (I know, it's tough) and try to build a friendship with this girl first. I think being friends first is always the best way to go and it usually ensures a long term relationship. If I could've done it differently than I would've tried for a friendship for a while. Plus, think about how the new girl would feel if she knew you were comparing her performance in bed to your ex... YIKES. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Live-N-Learn Posted April 30, 2010 Author Share Posted April 30, 2010 That is some good advice. I need to slow down and just work on the friendship. I don't know if she will go for that based on how things have progressed. She may see it as me not being interested in her and pulling back. I will have to take that chance. This is not healthy for me right now. Truthfully, I find myself comparing her to my ex on every level not just in bed and dancing. She is much older than my ex as well. My ex was 27 and she is 46. She is a much better communicator and there is more depth for sure in our conversations. she is a hell of a lot of fun it is just way different. I do not have an issue at all with her age, matter of fact it is better for me and there could be a future for us. I am not going to date the young ones anymore. I guess I need to figure out what is best for me to heal and not just bury my hurt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lastchallenge Posted April 30, 2010 Share Posted April 30, 2010 Ha ha ha I'm glad u posted this thread... I just went throught the same thing... I was with my wife 4 years total and I met this girl, we hung out nithing serious and we slept together.... It was terrible I couldn't enjoy it and my mind was everywhere but there..once it was over I felt worse, I couldn't even call her or text her anymore. It became so weird that I just ignored her and went nc because I didn't want to hurt her. I asked her for time and she said ok then I said fine because she seemed upset about it and now she's texting me to talk but I'm over it.... deep down inside I know that I don't want a gf right now I really need time to get my act together and recover from this break up... I forgot to add that it didn't set me back it just made me feel weird...my friends say keep her for sex but i don't think it's worth her getting attached or hurt.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Live-N-Learn Posted April 30, 2010 Author Share Posted April 30, 2010 I forgot to add that it didn't set me back it just made me feel weird...my friends say keep her for sex but i don't think it's worth her getting attached or hurt.... I did enjoy it but it still does not feel right for me to be dong this because I need more time to get over my ex as well. I believe she is a great lady that I may be interested in later down the road and was not in it for just sex. I have just realized it is too soon and need to find a way to let her down gently. I really do not know what I want right now. I think part of me did it so that I could move on but it did not work out that way. I will never get back with my ex, nor do I desire to based on what has transpired between us. I thought I could move on and have a relationship but I guess not yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
warmpandacola Posted April 30, 2010 Share Posted April 30, 2010 Hmm. I had a slightly different experience. I was with an ex bf for about 2 years. The last year was very on off and towards the end I was getting fed up. I tried to make it work and then I met this guy. He liked me and I started liking him too but I was still in a relationship so I was only friends with this new guy and was careful not to lead him on out of respect for my relationship. My ex was confused on wait he wanted and wasn't sure about our future and wanted a break and it was the last straw for me. I began dating the new guy a couple days later. I jumped into a relationship with him and the first time we had sex I kinda did the comparing thing and thought maybe I didn't like him. But then we spent everyday together and I feel like I fell in love with him more then I did with my ex. Now that "new guy" and I are apart. We were together 9 months. Things were serious but he had a bad passed that messed him up emotionally and we had some issues. I don't regret it but I don't recommend it because even if you don't start missing your ex you could wind up getting hurt even more if on some occassions you develop feelings much stronger then you expected. I almost feel like karma hit me because after I broke up with my first ex for his fear of commitment he came crawling back and he is still not completely over me. Then I thought I was happy with my recent ex and got my hopes up and the way I feel about him is the way my ex felt like towards me after we broke up for good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpeedingCars Posted April 30, 2010 Share Posted April 30, 2010 Wow, your friends are not a good influence at ALL. I'm glad you have good judgment. Although I have never 'slept' with someone after being dumped, I have gotten involved... at first, I kept getting sad and wondering WHY this new guy wasn't doing it for me. He was funny, cute, 'clicked' with me, etc. I realized I was still harboring feelings for my ex, secretly wishing it was him that would call in the middle of the night or text. However, after I got over the initial shock of "Wow, this guy is not my ex... he doesn't do it like my ex, he doesn't laugh like my ex, etc" I started to focus on the new guy for who HE was. The thoughts of my ex decreased slowly each day... Keep in mind that my ex and I broke up frequently so the pain of being dumped subsided each time... My recommendation for you is to take out time for yourself. If you truly feel like you can't see a future with this girl, let her go. You will only feel worse each time and your confusion will grow. Give it a few weeks, months, or however long you need... and when you feel alright, you should begin dating! Good luck. It will get better Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Live-N-Learn Posted April 30, 2010 Author Share Posted April 30, 2010 Although I have never 'slept' with someone after being dumped, I have gotten involved... at first, I kept getting sad and wondering WHY this new guy wasn't doing it for me. He was funny, cute, 'clicked' with me, etc. I realized I was still harboring feelings for my ex, secretly wishing it was him that would call in the middle of the night or text. However, after I got over the initial shock of "Wow, this guy is not my ex... he doesn't do it like my ex, he doesn't laugh like my ex, etc" I started to focus on the new guy for who HE was. The thoughts of my ex decreased slowly each day... I feel that same way. It is just really hard to let go of thoughts of the ex. She was the most fun I have ever had with a girl and the best in bed. Since this really is all the new girl and I have done so far (party and have sex) I can not stop comparinig. She is funny, cute and we do click, it is just much different than the ex. What do I tell her so that I do not run her off? I have went way too fast and need to back off. I want to do things with her not alcohal or sex related so that I can see if we are compatible. I do not want another relationship like I had with the ex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Takotsubo Posted April 30, 2010 Share Posted April 30, 2010 Just my two cents: I've done this and if you're not emotionally ready for another commitment, which would seem rather soon given your situation, you'll only end up hurting someone else. And believe me, that heartache can hurt almost, or just as bad, as the heartache from the initial break up. Give yourself some time and definitely take some time to talk more and get to know this person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Poetry Guy Posted April 30, 2010 Share Posted April 30, 2010 Scott, I'm with Takotsubo on this one. I've jumped into other relationships too soon after a previous breakup thinking that I was doing myself a favor by "getting back in the saddle" and that it would be conducive to the moving on process...but it really wasn't, for all of the reasons that you've already mentioned and the things that Takotsubo just said. It's ultimately a disservice to your self as well as the "rebound" person that you've just met. She might be genuinely interested in you, yet your head is still elsewhere with your ex. At some point in time, this new gal will be hurt too. I'm not judging you nor rebuking you - just acknowledging that I've been there and done that with the same results that you're experiencing right now. For me, for all of us, we have to do our best to mend and heal ourselves before we're fully capable of committing ourselves to another person. It's not fair to us nor to them. Just my two cents. Good luck man! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Live-N-Learn Posted April 30, 2010 Author Share Posted April 30, 2010 I agree, so how would you suggest I tell her? I do want to hang out with her and get to know her better but is it too soon for that? Should I just cut her off and tell her I thought I was ready to move on but I am not? That I may be in contact after I feel I have sufficiently healed? I feel like such and ass right now. I know I am going to hurt her when I tell her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cadence44 Posted April 30, 2010 Share Posted April 30, 2010 I do wish you had realized all of this before becoming involved. Jumping into something means involving another person in your emotional hell and passing on some of your pain to that person. This isn't going to be easy, but just tell her that what you are about to say sounds like a line, but you're not ready. That you'd like some time to finish healing, and that you really do like her, but it's best for both of you if you have time to sort yourself out. That you understand if she hates you but you'd really like it if you two could meet up in a few months and take it a little more slowly then (and that you'll understand if she's already involved with someone else at that point.) You have to be sincere and be prepared for the potential consequences of your actions - she may be upset with you, no matter how gently you say it. She's apt to be suspicious, especially if you haven't mentioned the timing of your breakup to her already. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Poetry Guy Posted April 30, 2010 Share Posted April 30, 2010 Even though she'll be disappointed and probably even hurt initially, I do think that she will appreciate your honesty if you tell her. The more time that goes by and the stronger her own feelings grow towards you will only make it that much harder on the both of you later on and might also sabotage any future chances that you might have in either pursuing a romantic relationship with her or even just being friends. In one of my own scenarios, I recognized right away (like you have, which is a good thing) that I was not ready to be in a relationship with the "rebound"/fling whatever you want to call it. I sat down with her and told her exactly where I was coming from and was just very open and honest about it. Her and I have now remained friends to this day and ironically enough, we're going out to dinner tonight just to catch up and hang out. She's been a very valuable friend to me and I have been a very valuable friend to her as well. I can't guarantee that you and this new gal will remain friends or anything like that, but I do know that if you aren't really "in it" with her things will only get more complicated and be even more hurtful later. Keep it simple though and don't look to her for a bunch of advice in regards to your ex unless she openly offers to do so. Even then, I would be cautious in how much you divulge to her as she might end up feeling used. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Live-N-Learn Posted April 30, 2010 Author Share Posted April 30, 2010 Keep it simple though and don't look to her for a bunch of advice in regards to your ex unless she openly offers to do so. Even then, I would be cautious in how much you divulge to her as she might end up feeling used. I do not want her to feel used because that was not the intent. I agree with you that it is a good thing I felt like this early on. I will talk to her and not go into too much detail. Hopefully she understands. If not, O well, live and learn. I really need to allow myself time to heal and learn the lessons from my breakup, not bury them with a replacement of sorts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Poetry Guy Posted April 30, 2010 Share Posted April 30, 2010 I do not want her to feel used because that was not the intent. I agree with you that it is a good thing I felt like this early on. I will talk to her and not go into too much detail. Hopefully she understands. If not, O well, live and learn. I really need to allow myself time to heal and learn the lessons from my breakup, not bury them with a replacement of sorts. Exactly. Alot of us have a tendency and even a yearning to jump into a relationship before we're fully healed because we miss the intimacy, the comfort, and the good times that we had in our previous relationship and think that we can comfort ourselves from the loss of that relationship in a new one. The fact is, we simply cannot "replace" that person because every relationship is unique in its own ways even despite any similarities. Once we go looking for a replacement though, and that person fails to meet those expectations (in our eyes) it only leads to more heartache. True happiness comes from within first and foremost, not in another person. That's probably patronizing you with the blatantly obvious, but sometimes we all need a little kick in the ass to help us remember them. On that note, here's another reminder: the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. And that's what I'm coming to terms with right now and going to therapy for. I'm not ashamed to admit it either because I owe it to myself first and foremost. Only when I'm fully healed and fully love myself again will I be fully capable of loving another woman in the way that we both deserve. Good luck man! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J1535 Posted April 30, 2010 Share Posted April 30, 2010 I went through the same thing a week ago. I had been seeing a new girl and it was going great for a few weeks but I still couldn't stop comparing her to my ex. It was hard to get the courage to tell her, I knew she would be upset about it and I felt terrible. She is a great girl and we had a lot of fun together but I think it was just too soon. I just told her how it was. She was upset that I had waited so long but agreed that she would rather know now than to have waited any longer and have been hurt more. After about a week she got over being mad and upset and we talk all the time still. Good luck with your situation Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rachel_d Posted April 30, 2010 Share Posted April 30, 2010 I just want to leave a bit of advice from someone who was the 'rebound'. I was strung along for a few months, and then he ended it. During that time he said he loved me-many times. I fell for him hard and trusted him completely. Then one day, I get a message saying that he wants to take time to concentrate on himself and his work, but maybe we might be able to meet sometime in the future. I was heartbroken. Completely. And now I find out he is back with his ex. If you are going to finish it, talk to her in person. Pride be damned, and tell her how you really feel about the whole situation, an explain you are not in a good place. Don't make up other excuses or keep the truth from her. Don't make promises that things might change in the future. It'll only hurt her in the long run. You might think you are doing her a favour, but sugar coating a situation to save someone from hurt never works. Even if you want to take things slow, explain things to her properly. If she really is interested, she'll understand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Live-N-Learn Posted May 1, 2010 Author Share Posted May 1, 2010 Update... I spoke with her and everything went very well. I started the conversation with addressing the amount of time she has been out of her past 2 1/2 year relationship which is only 3 months. I just asked her if she felt she was healed yet and ready to date casually or date intimately. She was not sure. So I went on to disuses how I was feeling and that I was not feeling good about us sleeping together so soon after my breakup. I explained to her that it truly had only been a few weeks since we stopped hanging out and that I think I jumped the gun. I told her I liked her and would not mine getting to know her better as a friend but did not feel what we were doing was healthy for either of us. She stated that she was very relieved by the conversation and was not wanting to get right back into a relationship either. And that what happened between us just happened but was not what she wanted either. I told her let's just hang out when we feel like it but no more intimacy. I let her know I respected her too much to make her a rebound and now understand that emotionally I am not ready. And that if she wanted to date others that was fine we are not in a relationship but are choosing to get to know each other and see what happens. So, I think it went well. Her and I are hanging out tomorrow night with some friends at a club to dance but we both know we are going home alone. I don't see anything wrong with us hanging out and building a friendship. Who knows in time we may want more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rachel_d Posted May 1, 2010 Share Posted May 1, 2010 Wow, I am very impressed. I'm glad things went okay. I have a lot of respect for you and the way you handled it... couldn't my ex have been as insightful, respectful and a nice guy like you? I hope things get better for you. Excellantly handled. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Live-N-Learn Posted May 1, 2010 Author Share Posted May 1, 2010 Wow, I am very impressed. I'm glad things went okay. I have a lot of respect for you and the way you handled it... couldn't my ex have been as insightful, respectful and a nice guy like you? I hope things get better for you. Excellently handled. Thanks Rachel. Yeah I think both of us felt a weight of relief when the conversation ended. You know, if my ex would not have dumped me and played all the games she did for 3 months post breakup, I doubt I would have had the sensitivity or insight to recognize what I needed to do in this situation. Pain is a great teacher if you allow it to be and chose to learn from it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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