13 months, and she still doesn't know what she wants...

[Jester1586]

Me and my girlfriend have been together for a little over 13 months now. Lately though I've realized she's been distant from me. We've rarely done any sort of sexual activity over the past three or so months, and now she hesitates even kissing me more than a quick peck. At first I thought it was stress. She was in her last semester of school and finals were around the corner, and she's a type of person that puts everything into her schoolwork. She studies for days and won't settle for less than a 4.0 GPA even if it kills her, so I let if go.

 

Now she's been finished with school for a few weeks and nothing's changed, so I voice my concerns and asked her if she was feeling differently about our relationship, and why we never get intimate with each other. After a while she finally started talking about it.

 

She told me she felt like we had rushed into our relationship (she started dating me a few months after a three year relationship ended). I had also gotten out of a two year relationship before we dated, but mine had ended about six months before we started dating. She says she doesn't want to break up, but is afraid she'll never get to experience being alone again, not that she wants to be single and date around and party, just not be in a relationship. I asked her what she wanted out of our relationship, and what she wants from me in our relationship, and she said she didn't know.

 

She says she still loves me and wants me to be there to support her in everything as well, but I told her it's not fair to me that she can't tell me what she wants out of our relationship, as I'm looking for that person to be with forever, and I thought she was too. And that it wasn't far to be to just be around for moral support, and nothing more.

 

Her graduation for college is this weekend, and she says it'll crush her if I'm not there, and she doesn't know what to tell her family about me not being there when she walks and everything.

 

After an hour of talking last night, and again this morning, she decided she wants to go on a break for a time. I told her to call me when she decides, and that if she needed me, that I'd go to her graduation and support her like I have in everything thus far, but she responded that it'd be unfair to me to go.

 

So anyways, we're on a break now. And I plan on giving her space to clear her head and see what she wants out of our relationship. I pray she doesn't want to break up with me, as I love her more than I can express and I think she is the one for me. How long do I give her before I start moving on? I don't want to give up hope, but is a few weeks to long for me to hope?

[misssmithviii]

I personally do not understand the effectiveness of breaks, but it does work for some people.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this, and I'm sorry she doesn't know what she wants suddenly - but what's really unfair is dragging you along without explanation, nor a time limit of when she'll get back to you. She needs to make up her mind sooner or later, so to just say "wait" ambiguously IMO doesn't work.

So you need to make the time limit yourself, give yourself a certain amount of time when you will make YOUR mind up - or tell her she needs to give you an answer by such and such time. I would think a few weeks would be enough (if I ever agreed to a break) but in my personal opinion, if it went over a month it'd be too much by then...

[Pomus]

My comments are in red below.

[oldenoughtoknow]

I'm really sorry, this does not sound good. I would start moving on right now. If she does comes back, it will be a nice surprise.

 

From my experience, 9 times out of 10, a break is taken by someone who wants to break up, but is too chicken-s**t to say so.

[misssmithviii]

Wow richpart & pomus, I didn't think anyone would agree with me.

 

To you, OP - respect yourself. You deserve the best of what a woman has to offer, not someone who (after over a year) suddenly can't decide between you and being single. Breaks never made much sense to me and I'm glad to see others who feel this way too. She sounds like she wants to keep you just to keep you; you're a safe option, you are a "known" factor - and you must show her she cannot hold you on the back burner as someone she can always go back to whenever she needs a fix. So once again... respect yourself.

[Jester1586]

I personally do not understand the effectiveness of breaks, but it does work for some people.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this, and I'm sorry she doesn't know what she wants suddenly - but what's really unfair is dragging you along without explanation, nor a time limit of when she'll get back to you. She needs to make up her mind sooner or later, so to just say "wait" ambiguously IMO doesn't work.

So you need to make the time limit yourself, give yourself a certain amount of time when you will make YOUR mind up - or tell her she needs to give you an answer by such and such time. I would think a few weeks would be enough (if I ever agreed to a break) but in my personal opinion, if it went over a month it'd be too much by then...

 

I plan on confronting her about this after her graduation if she doesn't try to talk to me first. I'm going to give her two weeks to figure it out, and if not by then, I guess it's over. If she decides she wants to continue this after the two weeks are up, then we'll have to see where I am, and if I think she's sincere in what she wants.

 

I plan on avoiding her completely for that entire time period, only issue with that is that we work together so I'll run into her a bit there most likely, unless we work alternate shifts for that time.

 

Thank you for the advice.

[misssmithviii]

Of course, and I wish you the best.

[alphaxdx]

I'm really sorry, this does not sound good. I would start moving on right now. If she does comes back, it will be a nice surprise.

 

From my experience, 9 times out of 10, a break is taken by someone who wants to break up, but is too chicken-s**t to say so.

 

I just went through this. I know its hard but let her go. She wants the convenience of having you around while venturing out to see if something better comes along. This * * * * always happens at life changing events like graduations. See the grass is greener article. Do yourself a favor and start preparing yourself emotionally to let her go. That is what you need to do. Let her go and make it NC. Shes basically saying she wants to keep her options open but have you around if nothing better comes.