so jealous of my ex

[SadAndy]

I was recntly dumped after a relationship that lasted 14yrs and which we had one child in who's now aged nearly 8.

 

My ex cheated on me twice during the last 5 years, with 2 long term affairs with the same man, my ex best friend. One affair lasted 6 months and the other 18 months.

 

Anyway, she has now left me for a much younger bloke and her life is close to, if not totally, perfect. She loves this new guy 'so much that she would never cheat on him' and he is infatuated with her.

 

My point is that I am just so jealous of how perfect her life is with him. She has devastated so many lives with her actions and yet it is all panning out perfectly for her.

She has stayed in our home, my daughter lives with her and she has the man of her dreams on top of that.

I am trying to make my life better and work through the angry feelings of betrayal etc but it always comes back to how much fun shes having and how great her life is when mine is in the crapper!

 

Help me!

[hexaemeron]

Not to sound insensitive, but why does your life have to be in the crapper? I'm not saying ignore your feelings, but perhaps if you got back into being single again and started meeting people, you'd feel better yourself.

 

The only way to have a better life is to go get one.

[SadAndy]

i'm trying. I've been on several dates since the split (11 wks ago), but you have to understand that my life as I knew it (and as it appeared 6 months ago) has imploded whilst hers has gone on the much greater things.

I would love nothing more than to forget her but I cannot ignore my feelings.

[hexaemeron]

i'm trying. I've been on several dates since the split (11 wks ago), but you have to understand that my life as I knew it (and as it appeared 6 months ago) has imploded whilst hers has gone on the much greater things.

I would love nothing more than to forget her but I cannot ignore my feelings.

 

Hmm.. so is it that she's gone that really gets you? Or that she's happy being gone?

[minou]

Please know her current situation will probably have a sad ending for her. It is really not very common for older women/ younger man relationships to last. It will only be a matter of time before she finds herself alone and longing for what she can no longer have. I really feel for you. I know the sadness of what feels like injustice and it is devastating. You didn't deserve to be cheated on. Time will gradually soften the pain. Do your best to stay busy. I find that reading helps me a lot, in that I can escape from the inner turmoil to another person's life. Warm wishes your way.

[SadAndy]

honestly, its the fact that she is happy after all that she has done to many people, my daughter being one.

 

The fact she has gone just makes me sad but the jealousy factor is purely the fact that she is happy and things are going so well for her.

[hexaemeron]

honestly, its the fact that she is happy after all that she has done to many people, my daughter being one.

 

The fact she has gone just makes me sad but the jealousy factor is purely the fact that she is happy and things are going so well for her.

 

I understand that's supposed to be a natural reaction, but, in the end, will your jealousy make you happy eventually? Will it contribute positively to your well-being?

 

I highly doubt it. It'll just rot you from the inside. I mean, your wife is gone. She wanted to go and she left. She's happy. Now it's just time to rebuild your life and make it happy too. And it can be done.

[MAS73800]

You want to always keep in mind. People put on a nice show for others around! Example an EX BF I had everyone thought we were prefect happy in-love no problems wanted to be us, but there were some serious issues that none knew. Maybe her betraying this prefect life and relationship she knows how badly it is hurting you thus the reason for putting it in your face so much! My advise, would be to find a friend male or female take on a new hobby something you have never done before and put your time an effort into that. Yes of course it will only take time due to all the pain she has caused but over time you will become a new man, have a new meaning of yourself, and life in general. On another note: what goes around always comes back around. Carma is a crazy thing we deal with every day! I hope you re-find yourself in this process it can be a fun and enjoyable process! Best of luck to you SadAndy!

[pl3asehelp]

Please know her current situation will probably have a sad ending for her. It is really not very common for older women/ younger man relationships to last. It will only be a matter of time before she finds herself alone and longing for what she can no longer have. I really feel for you. I know the sadness of what feels like injustice and it is devastating. You didn't deserve to be cheated on. Time will gradually soften the pain. Do your best to stay busy. I find that reading helps me a lot, in that I can escape from the inner turmoil to another person's life. Warm wishes your way.

 

Yeah, I agree with this. She has the age thing working against her as well as the fact that she's a dishonest cheater. Whatever it is inside her that's broken that made her cheat is probably still broken and will come back to haunt her again someday.

[HouseKitten]

Two things.

 

Firstly - nobody's life is perfect. It is very easy to look at someone else's life and say wow, they have it all. Nobody does. Absolutely nobody. Your feelings about the situation are making you perceive her life as amazing without you, but every couple has quibbles, disagreements and issues, even small ones.

 

Second - who gives a damn what her life is like? She is now effectively not someone who impacts on or contributes to your life, therefore her own status has no effect on yours. Whether or not she is happy has NOTHING to do with whether you are. You need to move on because you want to be happy, not because you're jealous that she is. If she suddenly developed a terrible illness and her boyfriend left her and she got into debt, that wouldn't make your life any better than it is now, so her being happy should have equally little effect.

 

Stop obsessing about her life - it is no longer anything to do with yours.

[goodkarma_1]

Hey Sadandy-- Sorry your situation, I feel for you. You have to realize that you are better off without her as hard as is to accept. She is a cheater and that will one day catch up to her. You did not deserve to be fooled while she was off having multiple affairs. It is her loss! When you are feeling sad/jealous remind yourself how it would be like to deal with the trust issues if you were to be with her again. Ask yourself, could you deal with that for the rest of your life? My ex of 8 yrs cheated on me multiple times, abused me once and vowed never to cheat or physically hurt me again - i trusted him and I gave him a second chance. Well he cheated again and I left him for good. He now has a house (which is what we always wanted together) and is with someone new to share that with. It cuts deep but I have to keep focused on my path in life and what makes me happy. You should do the same. Find a goal and work towards it. Go out with some friends and enjoy yourself as best you can. Read some books and exercise! exercise has saved me from a lot of stress and helped my self confidence. I wish you the best and I defiantly can relate to how your feeling. Hang in there, you'll be ok. She will realize what she lost.

[SadAndy]

Thanks for your lovely reply. I know that it could never work but its not what shes done (if she thought there was better out there, fair play to her) but the way that she has gone about it.

We had so many good times and she chose to blow it.

 

The fact that shes fallen on her feet is a major irritation but I am slowly accepting the fact that it will probably work out for her and she will be happy despite what she deserves.

 

All I really want now (other than it all to blow up and her feel the pain that she has inflicted upon my daughter and me) is to hear her say 'i didn't realise how well I had it'. I know neither of these is likely to happen but I can dream!

[goodkarma_1]

Life works in mysterious ways sometimes and you never know what could happen next. She WILL realize it one day what you've sacrificed for her and will think of what she had I guarantee it. The higher the climb the harder the fall

[SadAndy]

interestingly, i've just bumped into the ex and 'new bloke' walking hand in hand through a shopping centre.

My overriding feeling was disgust at what shes done and yet most of it is still anger at how happy she is.

I have realised that in no way would i want her back, looking into her eyes again today and seeing nothing in there proves that she hasn't changed.

Coupled with the fact that my first thought was 'you lied to me everyday for 18 mths' and there is no way back.

 

The main problem for me though is still this jealousy at how well its going for her and anger at what she has done.

[goodkarma_1]

As tough as it is, maybe it was a good thing that you bumped into her so that you can see that she hasnt changed. I'm glad that you realized though that you do not need her. She betrayed you in the worse way and she is likely to do that again to the next dude. Its ok, let them be together you just walk with your head high no matter how hard it is to swallow. Feel all the emotions you need to feel in a rational way. There is nothing you can do about their relationship but work on your self improvement and the goals in your own life. Believe me I know it sucks to see the only person you want to be with destroy what you built together all those years only to move on and "be happy" and share that with the next person, its a slap in the face but what can we do. We already gave our all so that should be settling to walk away with that thought. You will receive something good in return.

[SadAndy]

i'm struggling again (i know i shouldn't but i'm only human!).

 

I've read so many posts on here and the overriding theme is that generally the dumpee had some kind of annoying behaviour or something that leads to the split, or something was fundamentally not right from the start.

 

I can honestly say that I did nothing wrong, she is moving on with the new guy at the speed of light and everything in the garden is rosey.

I know that she isn't even missing me which I find really hard to take after 14yrs together.

 

When I read posts about peoples ex's being lazy or deadbeats it upsets me further that my ex dumped me and the very next bloke is better. Not a sign of a deadbeat.

Why is she having such good fortune at the expense of everyone around her?

 

I don't want to sound like a child, but it is so unfair!

[hexaemeron]

In life, or relationships, you don't have to do anything wrong for something to be wrong for the relationship. You can do everything "right" and it's still not right. There's just an intangible quality that doing good things gives a higher change of being "right" but can still not be right.

 

Unfortunately.