Scattered Posted April 27, 2010 Share Posted April 27, 2010 I have been doing NC for a few days, maybe 8-9 now, and I've begun to realize after reading many posts that it's always the dumper who needs to come back to the dumpee, which is exactly what I haven't been doing. I actually took on the mindset that I was the dumpee for awhile for the simple fact that she lost interest two months prior to the end. which I've come to realize was childish. I broke up with her and now I need to make amends. If you read my story then you know that she is starting a relationship with another man but they're not official, yet. I think school plays a huge role in her decision to stay single but do you think there's some chance that she's just waiting for me to show her I've changed? We had a fantastic relationship for almost a year and even talked about a future together and then it all just ended after a lot of dumb * * * * . It's really mind boggling! I don't know what to do and would really like some input. Thank you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waveseer Posted April 27, 2010 Share Posted April 27, 2010 As far as I know the person who loses interest first is the dumper. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scattered Posted April 27, 2010 Author Share Posted April 27, 2010 If you would have told me the same thing a few days ago I would have agreed 120% but she tried her hardest to make it work for 2 months. I just kept becoming more and more unattractive. I don't blame her for losing that attraction, I was pretty much raising red flags EVERYWHERE towards the end. I'd dare say I'm even more attractive than ever now. After much soul searching and exercise, I'm ready to try and get her back but do you think I should continue NC because she was the one to lose attraction or should I break it because I was the dumper? I'm soooo~ confused on what to do right now! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waveseer Posted April 27, 2010 Share Posted April 27, 2010 I am confused, you said she lost interest two months before the end. Then you said she tried her hardest to make it work for 2 months. Can you give us a time line of what happened when? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted April 27, 2010 Share Posted April 27, 2010 If you would have told me the same thing a few days ago I would have agreed 120% but she tried her hardest to make it work for 2 months. I just kept becoming more and more unattractive. I don't blame her for losing that attraction, I was pretty much raising red flags EVERYWHERE towards the end. I'd dare say I'm even more attractive than ever now. After much soul searching and exercise, I'm ready to try and get her back but do you think I should continue NC because she was the one to lose attraction or should I break it because I was the dumper? I'm soooo~ confused on what to do right now! If you are motivated to break NC because she might be starting to see someone else, or you are doing so because you think she is staying single because of you, then you are breaking NC to try to create an outcome, or with a motive. You also suggest you are better than ever and it implies that you want to apologize to her or contact her so she can see that - to either see what she's missing or get a reaction from her on that.It is like you want to 'get in under the wire' before she gets involved with someone else or stops considering wanting to get back together with you. NC is not meant to solely to attempt to get someone back, but for personal healing. if you are better than ever - that's great. But be better for YOU. If you really wanted to sincerely apologize to her and truly do not care if she wanted to get back with her or not, that's one thing, but from your comments here and elsewhere, it doesn't seem that any contact from you would just at face value. Also, if you are trying to contact her as an underlying effort to get her back...do you REALLY want her back? it seems that the whole circumstances of her transferring schools, etc, it doesn't seem like it would be easy and from past threads it seems she has moved on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scattered Posted April 27, 2010 Author Share Posted April 27, 2010 I am confused, you said she lost interest two months before the end. Then you said she tried her hardest to make it work for 2 months. Can you give us a time line of what happened when? She lost her attraction towards me two months before the relationship ended but stayed with me to try and make things work. If you are motivated to break NC because she might be starting to see someone else, or you are doing so because you think she is staying single because of you, then you are breaking NC to try to create an outcome, or with a motive. You also suggest you are better than ever and it implies that you want to apologize to her or contact her so she can see that - to either see what she's missing or get a reaction from her on that.It is like you want to 'get in under the wire' before she gets involved with someone else or stops considering wanting to get back together with you. NC is not meant to solely to attempt to get someone back, but for personal healing. if you are better than ever - that's great. But be better for YOU. If you really wanted to sincerely apologize to her and truly do not care if she wanted to get back with her or not, that's one thing, but from your comments here and elsewhere, it doesn't seem that any contact from you would just at face value. Also, if you are trying to contact her as an underlying effort to get her back...do you REALLY want her back? it seems that the whole circumstances of her transferring schools, etc, it doesn't seem like it would be easy and from past threads it seems she has moved on. You're probably right. I have had two months to think about if I truly want her in my life and I am doing great now that I've worked on me. I've been dating and flirting around a lot but that's not what I want deep down. I still want her in my life and I'm just confused on how to go about it. I'd much rather have her as a lover than a friend, which is why I'm taking as many precautions as I can. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waveseer Posted April 27, 2010 Share Posted April 27, 2010 Why did you break up with her? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scattered Posted April 27, 2010 Author Share Posted April 27, 2010 I broke up with her because I didn't feel the connection there anymore. I could see it in her eyes that she wasn't seeing me anymore and that we were just friends, or more accurately, like brother and sister. I took care of her and protected her more than anything else. There was just no more romance. I think she just got fed up with the lies of improving myself, procrastinating in school, failing constantly, not trusting her, arguing all the time, feeling unappreciated, never doing romantic things together, etc. Our relationship was amazing in the beginning but at the end it was a nightmare! But we both loved each other and tried very hard to make things work but stress from school and her graduating a term before me lead me to break things in the end. PS: We're both transferring to the same school. It's not like she decided to leave me behind and that would be it. We talked about going there together a long time ago and now we have that chance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waveseer Posted April 27, 2010 Share Posted April 27, 2010 She was fed up but not done. You were the dumper and it started long before she got fed up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted April 27, 2010 Share Posted April 27, 2010 Don't think about the school situation as thinking things were "meant to be" with her. Sounds like things were rocky. When there isn't trust, there isn't a relationship. I would personally take this as a lesson learned. Now you know what happens when you let your grades sink, don't put any care into yourself, etc. Its tough to want someone back as your lover when you say you two didn't see eachother as that. If she tried to make it work for 2 months, I don't know how she could justify trying to make another go at things work. It is one thing when you are together 30 years and hit a period of losing the spark and work on getting it back but you guys are YOUNG and when a spark dies when you are young, then maybe there is not enough of a foundation of trust, mutual respect and all the seemingly boring stuff that really actually keeps sparks alive. It is arguing, mistrust, hassle, and uneven feelings (one feeling differently than the other) that kill it. I just don't think, from reading, that there was enough of a trust foundation there or even a solid friendship based on mutual care and respect. Some relationships are too up and down and bombastic. they implode Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted April 27, 2010 Share Posted April 27, 2010 If you want her what is stopping you from going after her? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
minou Posted April 27, 2010 Share Posted April 27, 2010 If you want to try to work things out with her, it's definitely up to you to try to contact her. If you feel that way, tell her you feel you made a mistake and would like to talk. If you do love her, it's worth the risk. No question here, making contact is definitely in your court. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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