NC dilema... advice required pls

[ebik]

hey all

 

ok so, my question is... how do i instigate NC (again) with an ex who i broke up with 9 mths ago?

 

we had NC for 6 mths after i found out (2 mths after) that he slept with another woman 3 days after our 1st break up talk.

 

he tried to make contact a few times which i ignored but recently i got sucked in and have been chatting with, and seen him a few times. when we 1st caught up, it was good to see him, we laughed and chatted and remember the good ol days. the thing was i was going through a hard time, and shouldnt have, but did.. reached out to him. i see in hindsight that this was a mistake.

problem is, he keeps txting me, and trying to see me again to hang out. i was thinking that i would just try to 'fade it off' but he txts almost every day, and i dont want to be mean so i reply. i just cant see him getting the hint. and he keeps saying how he doesnt want to not talk to me, how he thinks we could be great mates and says nice things like 'you know ill always be there for you, no matter what'. Its nice to know he cares still but i think thats why i got sucked back in. i had been feeling lonely and down and just missing the company of having someone around i guess. i shouldnt have spoke to him, i see that now.. but now what do i do?

am i going to have to actually tell him i think i made a mistake and we actually cant be friends, and want to go back to NC? coz i know that he will make me feel guilty for this and i will probably be left feeling worse than what i did before!

[ElectricSheep123]

Girl, don't ever get sucked in with exes who say things like that. He doesn't want to be great mates. There's 3 reasons an ex wants to be friends:

 

1. They want to keep you on the periphery, so you never get over them, and they can flirt or have a fcuk buddy when you're both lonely.

2. They want to keep tabs on you, because they're the jealous type.

3. They want to not seem like an a$$h0le by "being there" for you, especially if they're the cause of the break up. In other words, to ease their guilty conscience.

 

In almost every scenario, it's self-serving. In very rare cases are the motives legit.

 

Stay away from exes like these. The best thing to do now is say this:

"I think I need some space from you to clear my head and rethink some things in my life, and I would appreciate it if you would respect that and not contact me."

Terse, to the point, and a little mysterious.

 

Good luck!!

[misssmithviii]

Tell him you have things you need to do and you'd like for him not to contact you anymore. When he tries to contact you, ignore and delete messages before you read them - not only will it remind you that you can find real companionship elsewhere and do not need him, but it'll keep you from ever getting sucked in again.

 

NC is YOUR choice. You want it? Then it's up to you to take the initiative.

[Ms Darcy]

Girl, you sound like a bit of a mess ... you cut him off, you contact him, you want to cut him off again ... What's wrong with telling him you want to be friends, you just can't keep up with all the texting and you'd like to cut it down?

[ebik]

Girl, you sound like a bit of a mess ... you cut him off, you contact him, you want to cut him off again ... What's wrong with telling him you want to be friends, you just can't keep up with all the texting and you'd like to cut it down?

 

yeah i suppose you could say that.

 

i guess i have learnt that i cant be friends with him. i mean contact every few months to catch up would be ok i guess, but how do you tell someone you dont wana see or hear from them as much.

 

i just dont feel like any good could come of being friends. he just isnt a good person even though he clearly trys to give off the perseption that he is. yet i still dont want to be mean about it. thats just who i am.

[ebik]

very true.

 

he would definitley be trying to be nice to ease his guilty conscience. and thats why i am angry with myself for breaking NC. the things he did were wrong and in talking to him again he must think i have forgiven him, but i havent. i'm over what happened, its in the past now, but i wont forgive or forget.

i was just having a rough time, was vunerable, and weak and turned to him. silly me!!

 

let this be a lesson to anyone who has contemplated breaking NC!! trust me!

[Smythe]

yeah i suppose you could say that.

 

i guess i have learnt that i cant be friends with him. i mean contact every few months to catch up would be ok i guess, but how do you tell someone you dont wana see or hear from them as much.

 

i just dont feel like any good could come of being friends. he just isnt a good person even though he clearly trys to give off the perseption that he is. yet i still dont want to be mean about it. thats just who i am.

 

 

If you feel that way, then maybe you shouldn't be friends. So how do you go about it? Tell him. Tell him that you need to be alone and that you can't be friends for now and maybe never because of whatever reasons you think. I think giving the guy false hope (if that is what he is looking for) is mean. I think being involved with someone you don't want to be friends with is not good for your well being. Good luck.

[rigguy]

yeah i suppose you could say that.

 

i guess i have learnt that i cant be friends with him. i mean contact every few months to catch up would be ok i guess, but how do you tell someone you dont wana see or hear from them as much.

 

i just dont feel like any good could come of being friends. he just isnt a good person even though he clearly trys to give off the perseption that he is. yet i still dont want to be mean about it. thats just who i am.

 

Straight up is always a good way. Be honest first of all to yourself. You will come accross as a jacka$$ no matter how you implement NC so don't sweat. Make sure thats what you really want though. You kicked this guy once than started talking again and now you want get rid of him again, well that makes you not a very good person.

 

What Relichunter321 said although all good points for the most part only applies to dumper or abusive exs.

 

Cheers, R

[ebik]

god what a dilema i have put myself in!

 

what everyone saying is all true tho, i just dont know what to do!

 

i am not a good person, i am so confused and lost, lonely and empty. i am a mess, i'm all over the place. im just trying to go with the flow and take each day as it comes, i dont want to be mean or harsh. i was lonely and contacted him. then realised it wasnt right. now is not contacting him 'stringing him along?" or is it just starting the process of NC which everyone talks about? i mean he did do me wrong! he slept with someone else, lyed to me, deceived me, we slept in the same bed still and slept together a few times after he had unprotected sex with another woman. he put my health in jeperdy! he had no regard for me at all, though even in the end, even tho i was the one to break it off, always had his feeling as a priority.

 

i always worry about what is right, if i am doing the right thing, making the right choises. so even tho i think i am sure that not talking to him is the right thing to do for me, i still have that area of doubt too. what if i go NC again, then contact him again and the process starts all over again??

i have a friend who still has contact with her ex from over 4 years ago! she was in another long term relationship since then, which recently ended and what is the 1st thing she did?? contacted her ex.. her 1st love. they have spiratic contact, but its ironic really how we do things sometimes and have no idea what motivates us to do them!!

 

so here i am again... still confused about what to do. ignore him altogether, or write back to him every now and then and see him on my terms, when i want to see him.. or tell him he needs to back off a bit, that i dont mind hearing from him, but much less.

 

i am just lonely and want someone around i think. just someone to enjoy each others company with. i dont really want him though. so its not fair for him or me. so do i tell him this? coz that to me sounds harsh and mean, which is exactly what i dont want to do. i dont want to hurt his feelings, even though he has hurt mine in the past.. but two wrongs dont make a right.

 

we did have some good times together, and memories i will hoepfully hold for quite some time, but maybe thats all they ever will be... memories. everything is in the past, so maybe thats where it should/will stay. the last few times i have seen him, we hardly have anything to talk about except the past.. we arent in each others lives anymore, so thats the only thing we have in comon now... the past.

 

aghhh im so sorry everyone, i am a mess.. i just dont understand much anymore!

[No1]

Question is, what do you want? If you dont want to remain friends, then tell him that you cant do this and he has to let you go. No need to think about his feelings or care. Its not about him. Its about you healing and moving on with your life. You should never have to apologize for that.

If you want to remain a very loose view as a friend and call every few months and say hi, then tell him that too. Do whatever you need to do to heal. As much as it will hurt his Ego even a guy like that will understand and honor your wishes if he is a good guy.

You shouldnt have to wonder why he does things. Its not really worth any thought anymore. Accept the situation at hand. He texts you and dont look into the meaning behind it. It will only bottle you up inside.

Do what you feel is right for you. You are all that matters right now.

[Ms Darcy]

See, I think after you say you can't be friends, you'll just come back in a few months desperate to be friends again. He is not your problem here. You are the common denominator.

[ebik]

you are so right! but yet facing the truth just seems so hard!

 

i think i know that what is best for me is to let it go.. maybe remain very loose friends... much much less contact, or none at all... if i tell him this he will probably just leave me alone for good (if he is capable of doing that) and yet it just feels so definite, and im scared.. im scared i will go weak again and contact him again, let him in my head.. doing this give him too much power over me and this is power that i dont want him to have.. i use to trust him with everything, he 3was my best friend who i could talk to about everything with, but he isnt in my life anymore and i dont know if i can trust him!

 

i think i need to be honest with him, but the truth hurts i guess coz it means that i also have to face the truth too...

 

the truth does hurt!

[AutumnBorn]

Ebik, take a deep breath and think this through. Let me ask some questions to get you started:

 

1. What is your goal? Do you want to get over him or get back together? Which do you daydream about?

 

2. What does "the first break up talk" mean? Were you broken up or still together when he sinned against you?

 

3. How old are both of you?

 

4. Was his sin the result of a character flaw or did he think, since you'd had a break up talk, that he wasn't doing anything wrong?

 

5. Do you love him?