I'm new please help....very confused.

[das420]

Ok, here's my story. I am 23 and my girl is 20. We had been dating since Feb 02. We lived together 10 months. We have been dating since her senior year of HS. Everything was going great until mid-April 2004. One of her friend's from high school that she's known sice 1st grade came around more often, and pretty much IMO played the "I'm the poor friend.. lose the guy and run with me." card. Since then she has decide to tke a "break", to "go be young" and have fun. Her and the friend got into a fight, and she wanted to get back together two days later. After a week the friend and her made up, and I was told she wasn't ready for a relationship, but she still loved me and wanted to be colse, and we'd try to get back together after she had a chance to be free.

 

She has moved out and I am moving in with my old roomate who's girlfriend also moved out on him. She says there is noone else. I believe her because she still acts like she cares when we are together, and she's never given me a reason not to trust.

 

We took a trip that was planned in Feb. to the beach 2 weeks ago. We had a great time, didn't fight once, and were intimate. We had a long talk before the trip, and agreed to be together on the vacation and take some more time apart after we got back. We discussed our ideas about marriage, kids, life, issues in the relationship, etc. in the talk. She said she was starting to believe I didn't want to be married, or at least when she did. The truth is I graduate from college in Dec., and after that is over I would love to have a wife., but I didn't say that because I need to know FOR SURE if thats what I want.

 

We still talk almost daily, she initiates most of the contact, we see each other in some way about every other day. I still go stay the night at her parent's house sometimes. She wants to be held and hold hands, but she will rarely kiss me on the lips, just the cheek and forehead. This lack of affection kills me, but I think it is a game of hard to get.

 

The only thing I can't stand is if I call her when she is with her friends, she acts short or rude, but when it is just me and her she is very nice and seems to enjoy my company. I do find myself wishing she would comeback, and I think of her constantly. Yesterday was the first time we went 24hrs w/o speaking, but she called me and came by this morning. I am trying to give her space and I am trying not to contact her unless, I have too, but I want to all the time. It does hurt me to be around her and not be with her, but we are both usually happy and very nice to each other when we hang out. Some say I should let it go, but I can't. Do any of you have any advice. Please help

[melrich]

I think you are doing the right thing by giving her space. You should continue to support her desire to "be young" because at the age of 20 she shold be able to "be young". Unfortunately I think many couples meet at the wrong time, that is when they are too young to be really comfortable about a lifetime commitment. I think everyone need to have that time in their life (ages 18 - 25) where they are able to enjoy doing their own thing, find out who they are, not be too encompassed by serious commitments. In my experience, many of those that go into serious commitments in this age bracket and marry young, at some stage in their life regret the fact that they did not get out and experience more a life on their own when they had the chance. Give her the space, if you are supportive of her through this time there is a much better chance she will want to be with you permanently when she is ready to totally commit.

[amaranth_04]

I agree with giving her space but

The only thing I can't stand is if I call her when she is with her friends, she acts short or rude, but when it is just me and her she is very nice and seems to enjoy my company.

 

what's that about.. unless you're calling her regularly when you're ''not supposed to'' interrupting her time with her friends.. but i wouldn't be rude.. don't want to open a can of worms here but is the 1st grade friend really out of the picture..

[das420]

The friend is very much in the picture, as a matter a fact I blame this girl for just about everything that has happened. Also when we were together I've hung out with the both of them, and her friend always gave me the "you stole my best friend" looks.

 

Oh well, I'll be cool. I'm trying to start NC (unless contacted) I think I might stop answereing callls for a while. I've read on this site that the only true space you can give someone is through NC. I love her to death, but waiting in limbo is just too much for me.

[amaranth_04]

Oh ok, got the impression that the friend is male.

[das420]

my bad, shoulda specified.

 

Anyway just as I said I'd start trying NC, I had a voicemail asking for a call back, probably will.

[amaranth_04]

Since she asked for space, I suppose it's up to her to get in touch. As long as she doesn't blow hot and cold, and confuse you further.

[das420]

Here's an update: We haven't seen each other in almost a week. I was supposed to stay with her on Thurs., but she said I'll call you, she says she said "you call me", because she called me wondering why I didn't show because I had never blown her off before. Even though it was unintentional it felt pretty good because last Fri. she said we'd do something, and left me waiting for 2 1/2 hours. when I called to see what was up, I was greeted by a not so friendly, drunken, "What?". Also she called last night before she went to bed and acted kinda sad. I think it is because I was out having fun with my friends, instead of waiting for the phone to ring like I used to.

 

I have just moved and eventhough I have only lived at a different place for a week I feel better. I had to live in the apartment we shared by myself for a month, and it was pure hell. I love her to death and hope we work it out, but if it is over, my new roomate, who also broke up with his live-in girlfriend, is helping me to keep my head up. He is getting me to go out and have fun with the friends that we both haven't seen much since we were "married" (as one of our single friends would say.) I was realizing last night that maybe I need a little more time before I can get serious again.

[buckbergson]

she has made it clear that she wants to be on her own...you shouldnt be there waiting until she is done and wants to be together with her....its just going to hurt you more...you should focus on your self and try to get on with your life....only then will she realize what she is missing...shes trying to have it both ways which may wind up hurting you even more than breaking off contact with her.....i know what you are going through and it sucks...my ex and i who were about to get married have been apart for a month now and its still really hard...the best thing i did was give her space......she still calls me but i try not to call her......it will be easier in the long run....good luck.

[JTS]

I am in the exact same situation man. I am 22 and my girl is 20 and the exact same thing is going on. She says there is no guy and it is just for her to live it up and I am still "the one" and the man of her dreams. This sucks because I know this yet still have to give her space. Yet whenever she wants anything from me I cant help but be there for her because I love her so dearly. The only thing you can do is let her call you, dont call her. B/C if you do you risk her being in an uncofotable situation. (try to call her home phone as opposed to her cell.) If you trust her you should not have a problem with this. All of my friends say to drop it too but my love for her will not allow it. Its a slippery slope but if you stay strong and buckle down, in the end you will end up at the top. Even if you dont' end up with her you will know that you were always there for her and you loved her as much as you possibly could. Some things are just out of your control. Good luck!

p.s. If you were in my shoes. Would you fly to the west coast (we live in Chicago but she is home for the summer.)to visit her if she invited you and her parents would pay for the ticket, even if you were not together. I am not sure of what to do? JTS

[das420]

I think you should go visit. We went to the beach with her family while we were "apart" and had agreat time. Just try not to get too emotinal and don't bring up the relationship as much as possible. It is obvious she still wants to see you, just be strong. Thats what I did, I acted like I was on vacation that's it, and didn't sweat the fact I am totaly in Love with her and want her back. It worked well.

 

Another update for me: We hung out at her parents house last night, as I was going to leave she asked me to stay the night. Nothing crazy happened, but we stayed up till 2 talking and laughing. We hung out all day today and had a great time, ended up making out, out of the blue. She was supposed to hang with friends, and here is the shocker, I was invited, and it was cool. I don't know if I should get my hopes up, or just write it off as a good day. Any opinions?