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Jealousy after infidelity


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I got myself wound up last night, after my boyfriend who was too busy and stressed with work over the weekend and next week, casually called me all bright and breezy (unusual at the moment) saying how he was off for a drink with one of his mates.... I couldnt help but let jealousy get the better of me.... I've been dealing with it fine for a while, this all stems from him having cheated on me last year with one of his best girl friends (who he still sees, talks affectionately of, she now has a bf) ANYWAY... what got to me last night, was that he can never make plans to do stuff with me, aside from a last minute, fancy coming round to mine after work (we work together) yet he can always seem to commit to his friends... like last night.... he had been moaning constantly over the last few days about work and how rubbish it was and how he's got no time, how he's too tired... yet last night he saw his mate... and I felt more rubbish about it because I'm really unwell and would have liked for him to offer to come look after me, cook me dinner or something, like I would do him.


Anyway... we had a bit of a spat, he said he'd call later..... he never did.... and he's not been in touch today at all............ I know he's at work, but he knows I'm really unwell, he'll know I MIGHT be annoyed he didnt call.... thing is I'm now going out of my mind that he spent the night with someone last night........why didn't he call me... or text to say he was home... and if he was back so late he couldn't, one he knows I always have my phone on silent when I go to sleep, and two why is it he and I always have to have 'early nights' when he's got to be on a job really early... yet if he's out with his friends he can be out as late as he wants??


He's not really making me feel very confident, when he should be trying to help with my jealousy..... surely??


URGH - I've never been like this before with any boyfriend... he's done this ot me and he's not prepared to help me or look at why I feel this way.


I really don't want to call him as I don't see why I should.... I just don't get why he hasn't.... it's almost like he's testing the waters to see how I'll react and he'll expect me to be totally fine with him on the phone.


What's he thinking?? How do I deal with this??

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Put all of this aside for a minute because I think you might be missing the big picture here. If he cheated on you why are you still with him? You should get rid of this guy and fast. Right now your problem is that after he cheated you took him back and forgave him, not only that but you allowed him to continue to be friends with the person he cheated with. This course of action you have taken has shown him that he can do whatever he wants and that you will put up with his behavior. And he is taking full advantage. Dump him now like you should have done right after you found out he was cheating, and show him that your not a doormat.

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I'm so sorry you feel this way, feeling insecure and paranoid is not at all pleasant, and in this case I think you have good reason for feeling this way.


I think couples can survive infidelity as long as both partners are 100% willing to work on their relationship. For him, that means he should be able to call you and update you on where he is late at night if that's what you need him to do. He should feel bad for what he did, and he should be trying to make things right with you again. From what you've described, I don't think he has any interest in doing that. Honestly, he sounds selfish and not that committed to being with you.


Regardless of what's going through his mind, I think this boils down to what you're feeling. You are not happy, and it looks like this is taking a huge toll on you emotionally. Is this worth it to you? Can you trust him?

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I took an ex back after he cheated on me (twice).


That jealousy you feel, will never go away. And one day it's going to eat you alive. I told myself over and over again that I trusted him and that one day I could really and truly forgive him... but deep down I knew it was a lie. I WANTED to believe I could but in the end, I could never trust him again. I know that now.


I would never tolerate him still talking to the girl he cheated on me with. EVER.


You have to ask yourself if you can really truly trust him. Not if you love him or that you want to be with him.. can you trust him? Without trust there is nothing... and that panicked feeling you get when you think he is doing something, will never go away.

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By staying with him, you're basically giving him permission to not only get away with cheating on you, but to continue to be friends with the girl he cheated with. He feels that he has the best of both worlds, and why should he change that, since you're allowing it.


This is your call, but do you feel like you're in a committed relationship with this guy? If there's no trust, there's no love.

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  • 2 years later...

I cant understand why anyone would forgive a cheat in the first place. He has already proved he is not trustworthy so why are you trying to trust him now. Why are you letting him affect you so much and change who you are as a person. You have changed since you met him because he has hurt you. He is clearly not worth it. I think you need to dump him. He has no respect for you. He still sees this girl that he cheated on you with and even talks about her in "an affectionate way" around you! Do you know how crazy that sounds. Why do you tolerate him even being close friends with other women? He is a player and he will never change. He wants a doormat and that's all you are to him.


A relationship is supposed to make you happy, you should bring out the best in each other and you should feel like he is your best friend who you love and trust completely. What is the point when you are miserable all the time?? You feel paranoid, insecure, jealous, hurt, angry.. Why are you sticking around?

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