Ideas for Reconciliation

[bungalo]

Hi All,

 

As tempting as it is to believe that people behave predictably following a breakup, the fact remains that we're all individuals with our own peculiarities, unique qualities and characteristics.

 

As a lot of you probably know, I am back with my girl after a breakup of 5 months.

 

One thing that helped me a lot was trying to stay positive about the prospect of a reconciliation-while letting go (as much as possible) and preparing for it not to happen as well. Popular wisdom says to be detached and completely let go..but how do you let go of someone you

really love? I think it's more about accepting that you can't control your ex, even if you still love them.

 

I also believe in reading lots and lots of material on effective communication. If you really really love your ex, then it's important to accept them the way they are. It's also vital that you drop your ego which tends to nurture thoughts such as, making them jealous, fantasies of making them crawl back to you...etc.

 

I think the most important thing though is to be honest with yourself and your ex while maintaining healthy boundaries. I tended to be too reactive to every little thing she did or said...now I am a lot more composed thoughtful and balanced.

[crymeout]

hi thank you for sharing this with us, i am pleased for you that you got back together with your after 5 months and also that you are more balanced.

 

i think that a break sometimes is all that is needed when you love someone and there are added stresses to the relationship, it can make things go down hill very quickly like it did in my case anyways...

 

i would like to ask how i go about it now theres been contact..

 

we was together 3 years he broke up with me end of jan, saying he wasnt attracted to me anymore

i did the whole beg plead thing which i am not proud of, then went NC after a row i left it 7 weeks and 4 days and then i text him.

i only as it was his birthday and i simply sent a happy birthday text with a smilely face that was it nothing else. to my surprise i got a txt back saying thanks and asking how i am with a kiss at the end X.

i left it and replyed the next day saying i was fine and again wishing he had a nice day, he then txt back saying he was on this course abroad which i knew he was interested in going on when we was together but he never made up his mind but obviously has now, so he said hes there but its good and that he is glad i am ok. i then text back saying im glad he went on the course that i hope it goes well and that he is enjoying it and that i am glad he is ok also. he then txt me back saying its ok very busy tho and that it was nice to hear from me without me calling him names, with a big smiley face on the end : -D

 

and so i never answerd this one i didnt want to go into all the why we both name called and about the split so i thought its best leave it like that..

 

i miss him terribly but in the back of my mind i think he sees me only as a friend as int he txts? nothing mentioned missing me???

 

how would you read these? am i friend zoned, and how should i go about it now, shall i wait for him to contact me now and see where it goes from there? thats if he even texts me this was 3 days ago, and he was last to text...

 

any help advise would be great...

[hopelessromeo]

Crymeout, you should go no contact for a couple of months and put the fear of god in him that you are gone forever.

 

I did this and she started initiating contact through text messages saying how much she missed me and asking if I loved her. I did not give her any real answers and basically ignored her. Now I initiated contact with her and admitted to missing her (probably a mistake). I don't want to give her enough contact to allow her to move on. All I can do is go back into NC to get her to do the same again - this seems like it could be a cycle.

 

Bungalo, how did you transition from NC to NIC to contact? We haven't spoken on the phone in over 2 months. Since she is technically the dumper, I feel that she should be the one to call me or continue the conversation but I'm not certain she will. Did you have an awkward period with your ex in terms of initiating contact? I agree that communication is important during reconciliation, but how does one get past the awkwardness without driving away the other?

[bungalo]

Hey Cry,

 

Sorry things are so tough for you...My only suggestion would be for you to act like you're cool with everything (hard as hell, I know). Stop all signs of pushing for anything other than friendship. Let him contact you. I know you've heard this over and over on ENA, but live your life, get involved in some new activities/challenges. You might be friend-zoned...but keep in mind, my now g/f again told me

she wasn't attracted to me anymore too at one point. Now she is hot for me again.

[nanana]

Can I ask bungalo, what made her lose attraction for you, and how did you get it back?

[bungalo]

I went total NC for 45 days, realized that she was too stubborn to initiate contact, so I swallowed my pride and called her. It was a little awkward and still is to a degree, but it is improving. She is more of the pursuer now, and it works a lot better this way. I was seconds away from calling her last night...when she beat me to it!! Nice!

[bungalo]

Can I ask bungalo, what made her lose attraction for you, and how did you get it back?

 

I stopped making her so important in my life, I stopped acting needy, I started being more assertive-using "I" statements, I stopped looking for her approval. I stopped talking so much, I acknowledged her faults, I stopped calling her and emailing her so much. That should be enough for starters.

[crymeout]

thanks bungalo

 

yes i kinda decided that i would wait now for him to initiate contact, i do not want to seem like i am bugging him. i guess he must have wonderd about me to ask how i was? or he would just have not botherd to reply to birthday text at all or even just a thanks, but he carried it on with how are you? x

 

i am not sure if he will contact me again tho as its been 3 days? i hope he does and if he doesnt i guess i just have to tell myself that he doesnt like me in that way anymore and he dont miss me being in his life.

 

i have been keeping busy, ive been going to the gym, swimming using sunbeds (to make myself feel better) ive lost a stone, but through diet and exercise NOT becoz of not eating or anything.

ive been going out with friends alot more to keep busy and have been asked on 4 dates already, altho i have not accepted any of them as i just dont feel it would be fair as i still very much love my ex and i wouldnt use anyone to rebound thats just not me, i do feel incredibly lonely tho, and i wish my ex would just want me back already

 

i guess waiting is it key then???

 

i guess i have now opened the communication and so now its up to him, and yes i have not mentioned any of how i am feeling as fear of pushing him away, i have acted cool and calm as i have stated what i txt him above and i never even put kisses in the txts lol which i always do and i called him by his name which i never did do before....

 

i thought after not answering his last txt he would be curious as to why i havnt as this isnt like me not to have the last word/txt.....but its been 3 days and he hasnt initiated anything, but then again he is on this course and did say he was busy..............i hope he is enjoying it i know its what he really wants to do and wish him all the best from the bottom of my heart, i want him to be happy in what he does.....i do miss him tho....

 

hes the part of my life missing, everything else is perfect right now.....hes the missing puzzle piece

[WhatSetsUs]

I went total NC for 45 days, realized that she was too stubborn to initiate contact, so I swallowed my pride and called her. It was a little awkward and still is to a degree, but it is improving. She is more of the pursuer now, and it works a lot better this way. I was seconds away from calling her last night...when she beat me to it!! Nice!

 

Hey bungalo,

 

Im real happy to hear things are working out for you. Im actually following the same path as you. Last week I initiated contact with my ex for the first time after 52 days of NC. I think she would have been too stubborn and too afraid to open contact back up if it wasnt for me. We talked every other day last week, all initiated by me though. I knew I was pressing too hard so I decided that after we talked on Sunday, I wouldn't initiate. Well yesterday was the first day since we've broken up that she initiated contact with me! I was actually shocked cause I wasnt expecting her to initiate anything with me. It was a dumb text but regardless it meant that she was thinking about me and wanted to reach out.

 

I'm hoping that now that contact is open between us things will progress to the point youre at haha. I was wondering though, how long did you wait to tell her your feelings? or did it just naturally progress to that?

[bungalo]

I know how much it hurts Cry...after 40 days of NC, I felt like I was half dead from grieving..just kind of going through the motions..but my friends..family thought I was doing better...I believe in prayer too and turning it over to God. I asked God for my healing first and formost...and getting her back too...I dunno...sometimes I think I 'm just lucky

[crymeout]

well im worried coz i was 7 weeks and 4 days NC and i was the one that broke it to txt happy birthday i wonder to myself if i hadnt txt him that i wudnt have heard from him again

 

i wonder now if he was just being NICE and POLITE answering my birthday wish thats all...

 

sometimes i think i get my hopes up to something that wont happen

[bungalo]

Cry...I believe in hope..even though it's painful...I guess looking back, part of me did give up...so there may be an answer in there for you too.

 

What...I told her I loved her after a few days...but only once...and I made sure it was said in a meaningful way..and only once...(We used to say it many times a day, and it seemed trivial after a while)

[crymeout]

hmmmmmm i guess only time will tell xx

 

im sure if i hear anything ill be on here posting it lol

 

i wish you all the best and im really happy things have turned out for you, best wishes always xx

[bungalo]

I think the mindset of being willing to let your b/f or g/f go is very important. This attitude says you respect your partner and yourself

enough to allow them to decide for themselves what is best for them.

The irony is, if you can allow them to have their space this increases your

chances that they'll want to stay with you-or come back if they've left you. They will see you as secure and strong. This way you can both lean on each other..if need be. Good luck.