What to do when we meet up?

[czjnkn]

So I just read the thread "(Female) Dumpers: What kind of contact (from a dumpee) do you find positive or attractive?"

 

I'm now contemplating what it is I could say to my ex when we meet up. Short story of my last thread, I just randomly decided to text her one day and ask if she'd like to hang out sometime that week and we could get everything in order with some money I owe her too. She said she wasn't sure when she could, but said "sure". She called me about 4 days later and set a time to meet up 3 days later for a drink.

 

She ended up cancelling those plans saying she was "really sick" and wondered if we could reschedule. It seemed like a cop out and we weren't going to hang out. I gave it just a few days shy of 2 weeks and she didn't contact me about rescheduling. Since I have to give her the money anyway, I told her I was getting it on Tuesday and wasn't sure if she wanted to hang out still or just have me mail it. She said "we can still hang out...congrats on getting the mortgage closed finally". My last message to her was "let me know when you have some free time and aren't sick just jokingly. She said "will do" and that's the last I heard from her. That was yesterday, so I'm trying not to get my panties all in a bunch and worry about it. I'm sure she'll contact me to meet at some point, at least to get the money.

 

When I contact her she always responds, at least at some point, but generally right away. I do believe she's moved on and could simply just be looking to be friends. I'm hoping when I see her though, that she'll see some changes that have happened over the last 6-7 months.

 

So my question is, what kind of things should I talk about when we meet up. In my other thread I was told to just lay it all out on the line since this was going to be my "one last true effort" to try to get back together as I hadn't really made much of an effort up to this point because I wanted to ensure that proper changes have been made before trying. She is aware that I want to be back together and she has said "I can't be with you again" and "I dont want to date you". These both after fights we had after she saw that I hadn't made much of a change yet.

 

Now that I'm certain I've made progress and matured with the help of therapy etc., I believe it's time to make the effort. However, the suggestion of laying it all out seems to strong and would probably lie in the category of "Needy, annoying, irrtating, etc." as read in the positive contact thread.

 

So would it be right to just hang out like we're buddies, be confident and a little flirty and hope she sees change and would like to hang out more? Or would laying it all out and giving her some speech be the route to go?

[squirl]

I would mail her the money, and not wait until you see her. Get the money part out of the way to avoid confusion or obligation on either side.

 

That way, when you see her you won't have the money issue mixed up with other things and you can talk for its own sake.

[czjnkn]

I was thinking something along the lines of that too. So that I'll know that she's actually saying that we can hang out for the sake of hanging out. However, she just moved into a house with a bunch of people and I doubt has changed her address back and will be needing the money as soon as possible, as we're getting very close to the deadline for her to pay off the furniture without having the interest kicked in.

 

I think just getting her together for the drink will be good enough either way, whether it's just to get the money back or to catch up. This will at least get her in front of me again without other people we know around (so we can focus on each other), when I'm drunk (when we bump into each other at the bar), etc.

 

I just want her to see I'm more patient, not needy, not jealous, don't get angry so easily anymore, etc. When I met up with her in January or early february, I came accross as unconfident as I was quiet, couldn't make decisions about what to do, shy acting. Then I got her to agree to see me again, but she never got back to me. I ended up seeing her at the bar one night when I was very drunk and we got into an awful argument. She said that I never made any changes, I'm just better at hiding the problems and she doesn't want to date me.

 

I know she keeps the problems and bad encounters fresh in her mind, but I think it comes to her easily when she says something and sees me get visibly upset or get unconfident etc. I'm positive I'd be able to hold myself together after all my progress now and will look attractive to her again.

 

The question is, what do I talk about, how do i initiate another meeting, how do I get her to see that things would be different?

[squirl]

Then why did you offer to mail it in the first place?

 

If you're sending a check, and you see her first, you can write her another check and have her void the first one.

 

Just be honest that you aren't using the money as an excuse to make her meet you. If your problem was that you were needy, then letting go of that bargaining chip is a good gesture.

[czjnkn]

I offered in case she didn't want to see me since she never got back to me to reschedule. Coincidentally she called my house about an hour and a half ago, but as I was trying to answer and her phone kept cutting out. I called her back a few times but it just rang and went to voicemail. The last time I left a voicemail and sounded confident and made a joke that she must only call me in bad reception areas and said I'd probably be home for the rest of the night if she wanted to call back and that I'd talk to her later.

 

So of course it's got my brain racing and I doubt I'm going to hear back from her tonight. She rarely checks her voicemail, so i'm thinking of sending a text but I don't want to look overly excited...

[Brownstone322]

So of course it's got my brain racing and I doubt I'm going to hear back from her tonight. She rarely checks her voicemail, so i'm thinking of sending a text but I don't want to look overly excited...

Wait it out, man. The "racing brain" is your worst enemy.

[czjnkn]

I know I have to wait it out. I just don't understand why she would call, but not call back. Ugh.

[czjnkn]

So I tried to take my mind off of it. I sat up and watched movies until 2:30 AM went to bed barely able to stay awake, but as soon as I layed down...BOOM...all I could think about is, why did she call and not call back? At least a text saying something like "oh sorry I dialed the wrong number or I got busy, I'll call you later" or something. It just kind of seems rude.

 

Now it almost seems as if she screwing with me. It's so hard to imagine that, because that's not at all the type of person she is. She's always upfront and honest. I was assuming she was calling to set up a time to meet, or she could have been calling to cancel on wanting to meet up. Who knows at this point. I don't really want to wait it out anymore. I feel like just calling her and what she was calling for yesterday. I can handle getting back together, I can handle going slow, I can handle rejection, I can handle anything that has certainty to it. I however, cannot handle having to wonder what's going on.

[bish0p2004]

I however, cannot handle having to wonder what's going on.

 

You may have to though, especially when you play the nonchalant game and don't call her out on her behavior (flaking out on you). That's why it's important to either let this one go for now (at least until you become emotionally stable again), or date other women while trying to get back with your ex. The latter is still very hard because the fact is, you have an emotional connection to her (which is stronger on your part than hers). Even more, you are being needy and insecure...even if you're trying to act otherwise and this will eventually show in your behavior somehow.

 

Also, your ex may simply not realize what she is doing. So, she may not see that what she's doing is (according to you) being untruthful and hurtful.

[squirl]

She sounds busy or sick. It's not rude. Lessen her stress about the furniture payment and send her the check. Be proactive and focus on yourself instead of wondering and waiting what is going to happen.

 

She'll probably contact you when she gets it. You can invite her out then.

[czjnkn]

Well another day and night have gone by without contact from her. I've kept myself from sending her a text asking her whay the call and no response to my message. I can understand if she's busy or sick, but if she was already calling me, how could she get too busy or sick to call me back when I called her right back?

 

I have been seeing other girls, but haven't made any moves on them, just hanging out. I feel like I can't do anything with them until I know things are over with the ex. I don't want her to think I'm dating someone else because she'll instantly think that I've accepted being friends. I guess I'll give her until tomorrow night after I sign the papers. If she doesn't set something up, I'll call her and get this all out of the way.

[czjnkn]

So, I've been thinking about how things will go down when I actually see her. At some point, I will see her, regardless if it's just to give her the money or not, I'm making sure of it tonight. I have my mind set for rejection, in fact, I'm sure I know what I'm going to hear.

 

She'll say that we aren't good together, she'll never forget the things I said and did, and that she can't be with me, but can be friends. First of all, I think that's just a dumb statement altogether but she's used it before as a cop out. She'll never forget those things but she can still be buddy-buddy with me? Whatever, the point is, I'm in the mindset and ready to hear this.

 

The question is, how do I respond to it?

[czjnkn]

Well I'm at work right now, where I'm unable to receive or send texts in the building because of the awful service. I walked outside and sent her a text that said "I left you a message the other day when you called and the phones didn't work right. Just seeing what's up?" I went back inside and sat for about 40 minutes and went outside to check what she said back. She sent "Oh lol! I was trying to call the ppl I was dogsitting for...my bad for the mix up!"

 

It should be noted she called my house phone, which was also her phone number for awhile...so strange that she messed it up. Anyway, feeling that I'm just getting the runaround I sent back "Oh, ok. I pick up the check on Monday, where would you like me to send your money?". I figure this will get 1 of 2 responses.

 

1. You can send it to "blah blah address"

 

or

 

2. I thought you could just give it to me when we hang out.

 

Now, if number 2 happens, I'm not sure how to handle it. I'd really like to say "I figured you must've not wanted to since it's been over two and a half weeks and you haven't had any time". I can't really see what the right route is to go. It's obvious she's ducking me, whether it be because she doesn't want to hang out, is uncertain, or really doesn't have the time. But who doesn't have an hour in 2.5 weeks to grab a drink at the bar real quick. Again, I understand I'm not a priority, but it's verging on being ridiculous.

 

Also, I have to keep reminding myself that I can't just give up at the first sign of failure. I want to keep at her for a bit until I either hear "It wont work between us" or "let's give it a try". Either one is fine, but I need some kind of answer eventually.

[squirl]

But who doesn't have an hour in 2.5 weeks to grab a drink at the bar real quick. Again, I understand I'm not a priority, but it's verging on being ridiculous.

 

Also, I have to keep reminding myself that I can't just give up at the first sign of failure. I want to keep at her for a bit until I either hear "It wont work between us" or "let's give it a try". Either one is fine, but I need some kind of answer eventually.

 

Actually I do not find it ridiculous to wait 2.5 weeks to reschedule drinks with a casual friend.

 

About keeping after her . . . What are the changes in yourself that you'd like her to see?

[czjnkn]

Well she responded with neither 1 or 2. She said I can come pick it up or we can meet in town. I said I will already be in town to pick up the check around the time she gets out of work, so I could meet her. She agreed and said we could meet up for a drink and she could get the money then.

 

The thing is, it's looking to me like this meeting would have never happened if it hadn't been for the money. I have a feeling once she has the money, thinking about me is going to slip even further back in her mind. That is unless of course meeting up goes quite well. Changes that I'd like her to see are that I'm confident in myself again, am not jealous anymore, don't get angry as easy, and things like that. However, i don't think one meeting for a drink will be able to show those kind of changes. I have a feeling it'll be just that also, one drink and she'll say she has to go.

 

How/what can I show her to try to warrant another time to hang out? Should i just be cool, confident, and flirty or just come right out and ask how she would feel about trying again or hanging out more?

[LES79]

I honestly think that you should just meet up with her to give her the money. Make the meeting nice and sweet and keep it moving. You never know what she'll do. Doing too much right now will get you nowhere. Just allow her to do something after she receives the money. And when you give her the money, maybe you could something along the lines of "well it's really good to see you! I'm glad I was able to finally give you the money. You're looking really good. If you ever want to have that drink, let me know and we can meet up some other time since we got the "business part" out of the way. I'd love to catch up". Or something. It'll take some time for her to see the "new you". Give it some time. It'll happen and if she doesn't see it well then at least you did your part but I'm sure she will see in her own time. But maybe not when you'd like...but she will though.

 

Good luck.

[czjnkn]

Well, we are meeting a for a drink, so the money and drink are all combined into the same meeting. I guess I'm just going to be warm and confident and try to make it as fun as I can in the limited time I have to work with. Hopefully she'll see something different. I'm just wondering if at the end I should say "It was great seeing you again, we should out again sometime soon" or something along those lines?

[LES79]

yes! that sounds good. that makes the ball in her court.