Meeting someone new...

[spatzcolumbo]

Ok guys,

 

For anyone who hasn't heard my story here it is:

 

16 months together, broke up 6 months ago. I still love her and still want her back. When we see each other things are just like old times, and we get on better than anyone!! She has a new bloke but downplays him A LOT and says it is nothing. She is 6 hours away, is back for 4 months now on uni holidays, and will be here permanently in a year.

 

Now the NEW twist to the story...i met someone new this weekend. I met someone out at a bar, and took her home. NOT like me at all. I don't get on with her as well as with the ex, i don't find her as attractive as the ex, and she is not as clever as the ex. BUT since the split, this new girl is the ONLY person who has even got close, so i wish i could understand my own thoughts.

 

Made more complicated by the fact that she recently broke up with her boyfriend of 6 years. NOt sure who dumped who, but anyway, 6 years is a long time. She seems pretty full on about wanting to see me, but i'm not sure i feel the same. Part of the reason i feel like this is because i do feel she is a 'step down' (harsh i know) from my ex. I also feel like maybe i am just doing this because she is someone to be with, to occupy my mind instead of my ex. And partly it is because i want my ex to find out that i am no longer available. I think you will agree, ALL these reasons are the wrong reasons to be getting involved with someone.

 

I also really do feel like i don't WANT a relationship with anyone but my ex. I don't feel like i can be bothered with all the work that goes into the early bit of a relationship.

 

Ultimately i still want my ex back.

 

I had a dream last night that i was with the new girl, and we bumped into my ex's mum. Then the new girl said she KNEW my ex from when they were younger, and started showing me photos of my ex. Which obviously then made me realise how much i still want my ex back with priority over the new girl, and woke me up in this confused state of mind. I woke up thinking "when i DO see my ex, i know that a whole flood of feeling is still gonna come smashing down onto me, and i'm not sure i want to have someone else there who i have to dump it on".

 

On the other hand, this new girl may have been dumped by her BF (i think she was) and maybe on the rebound too.

 

Aaaaaaaahhhh, relationships, don't ya just LOVE THEM???

 

Any thoughts would be helpful...

[The Morrigan]

There's no harm in enjoying her company as long as you make sure you're on the same page here.

 

Talk to her. Explain frankly you're not over your ex yet, but at the same time, you appreciate her company, would like to get to know her better, and think she'd be nice to spend some time with. It also gives her a chance (and maybe some relief) to say if she's in a similar position. Take the pressure off yourself, and off her - enjoying someone's company doesn't have to mean you jump straight into a relationship, as long as you both understand this, and are content to see where things go day to day.

 

It'll also take away any guilt you're trying to replace your ex - and maybe let you appreciate things that are different about her slowly without feeling disloyal.

 

Give yourself a break, relax, and just enjoy her as an attractive woman and person, and see how things go.

[rusty_boi]

hey dude

 

ok well first off i think you should end it with the new girl if you feel this way simply because of the fact you will hurt her so better off now then later because she wont be as involved, second of all about the ex people might disagree but i think you should do the following first off try keep out of contact for a bit so your feelings arent so strong hard i know , try become her friend it shouldnt be hard because from what you said its like old times once you and her are friends try work from there up i mean if thats the case worst thing that could happen you have her as a friend

 

hope it helps

[Spartan1]

I can understand were you are coming from Spatz. My mind and thoughts are very similiar to yours - getting the ethusium up for the hard work in the early stages of a relationship, inevidable comparisons to the ex, that thought you are dating people because you feel lonely and are used to sharing with a partner and finally the sense you are drifting, not misterable but not entirely happy with what you got and in the back of your mind wanting your ex back. As you say, these thoughts are negative and do us no favours, but they are a natural phase to go through.

 

It's difficult because it is healthier for you to get out there and most importantly have an open mind about anyone you meet. On the other hand, if you are in an emotional vaccum (for lack of a better word) and know things are not going to work out then its not fair on the new girl. However, life has a curious way of toying with people.

 

When you want someone there is no one around, when your with someone you want someone else, when someone is very keen on you, deep down you are not so keen on them because your emotions are, I don't know, some where but not for them.

 

It's kinda confusing. I will stop by and watch what advice folks give you and will take it on board myself.

 

Maybe the problem could be to much analysis and to not think so much and just let things progress naturally. Remember, if you still hanker for your ex then your mind will be closed off to the qualities of most women you meet.

 

Good luck Spatz whatever happens.

[spatzcolumbo]

Thanks guys, you all make good points. I think i know that really i should just give it a shot and let things happen as they happen. After all, when i got together with my ex i had a real period of thinking "am i doing this for the right reasons or not"...and that ended up being amazing. Just hard to equate that with my current situation because i don't feel the same about this girl as i did when i first met my ex. Grrrrrrrrr.

 

Damn emotions always getting in the way of everything.

[GeeCee]

Spatz

 

Take it nice and slow and stop analysing everyting. Inevitably you will make comparisons with the ex, even subconsciously. However, if you are up front with the new woman, you limit the risk of hurting her and take the pressure off both of you.

 

Go out, see if you can laugh a little and enjoy each other - eat, drink and be merry!!

 

Good luck.

 

G xx

[raider5]

If this is just casual dating then you can ignore this post.

 

If it's a potential relationship then heed my warning!

 

Let me tell you a little story. A girl and a guy get together. It's the guys first long term relationship. The girl still had feelings for her ex, but never told the guy. She just figured ex wouldn't come back into her life. Well the couple spends time together and has their ups and downs (mostly ups), and wouldn't you know it the ex comes back. Now the girl is stressing. What should she do? She likes them both. But she knew the ex a lot more, and has a couple of reasons (fear of rejection, final chance, "the one" issues, and takes some things as signs) that makes her go back to him. The point is: after going back to him the new guy is floored because he loves her. He's in the worst pain of his life for what will be AT LEAST 14 months. He never thought about suicide his entire life--and although he would never do that--for the first time in his life he actually starts thinking about how he would end it all, because it really is that bad.

 

Spatz?.... That guy is me.....

 

You OWE it to her to tell her you still have feelings for your ex. Now that may very well send her running. But YOU HAVE TO DO THIS! Don't give me this S34T about "I feel like I'm moving on." Don't F323ing lie to yourself! You have to be honest with her. Because you're wishes may come true one day, and if they do you don't want to be that closely associated with someone's worst time of their life. I swear if I ever see an "I'm back with the ex" post from you, you KNOW I'm going to grill you like CRAZY about what happened to this other girl.

[spatzcolumbo]

Raider,

 

Yet again (even though i know this is not how you mean it) your post comes accross as slightly harsh to me:

 

Don't give me this S34T about "I feel like I'm moving on." Don't F323ing lie to yourself! You have to be honest with her.

 

I am not trying to tell anyone that i have moved on, or anything like that. I have admitted freely in my previous posts that i still have strong feelings for my ex.

 

you don't want to be that closely associated with someone's worst time of their life. I swear if I ever see an "I'm back with the ex" post from you, you KNOW I'm going to grill you like CRAZY about what happened to this other girl.

 

Is this in the same way taht i associate my ex with both the best AND worst times in my life? Because i have felt exactly the same as you say you feel. I have gone through hell and back. Why would you grill me if you saw an "i'm back with my ex" post. What possible right would you have to grill me? If you got back with your ex, would this give me the right to grill you? just because i have met someone else (the first time in 6 months taht i have even been close to 'clicking' with someone) it doesn't mean that i can't see them and still have feelings for my ex. People do have to move on, and i am sensible enough to know that i should not put my life on hold if an opportunity arises. if it feels 80% good, then i'm gonna go with it, slowly.

 

You seem to assume that i am playing this new girl. But because you don't know me, this is not right. I learnt long ago not to play people. I have been very up front with this girl - i told her that i don't want anything serious, but that i just want to enjoy spending a bit of time with her. She knows all about my ex, she knows that i have found the last 6 months really hard, and that i continue to find it hard, which is why i am scared about things with her. I have told her that i don't want to rush into doing the wrong things for the wrong reasons.

 

She knows the situation, i know the situation, and i've made it all clear. I told her that everyone thought i would marry my ex, i have told her that we were talking about getting a place together, and all this stuff. She knows it all. She is happy with it all, and glad that i talked to her about it.

 

I am sorry for the way you feel in terms of your own life, but let me tell you that i DO understand (and feel free to PM me if you ever need to dump any stuff). I felt like that for a long long time, and it is not nice.

 

I am not trying to hurt the new girl, but i also understand that sometimes people DO get hurt, even when you don't mean to hurt them. For all i know, i could fall for the new girl, and she could leave me to go back to her ex!!

[raider5]

Yet again (even though i know this is not how you mean it) your post comes accross as slightly harsh to me:

 

It's meant to be harsh! I want you to make sure you know what you're doing.

 

Why would you grill me if you saw an "i'm back with my ex" post. What possible right would you have to grill me? If you got back with your ex, would this give me the right to grill you? just because i have met someone else (the first time in 6 months that i have even been close to 'clicking' with someone) it doesn't mean that i can't see them and still have feelings for my ex.

 

Of COURSE you can date her. But the reason I would grill you and the reason I would have the right is because you MIGHT end of really hurting this girl IN THE SAME WAY YOU WERE HURT. Don't you see what you might be doing. READ MY POST AGAIN. I'm not saying you can't date her I'm saying:

 

If you date her and still have feelings for your ex, you have to tell her you still have these feelings

 

You seem to assume that i am playing this new girl. But because you don't know me, this is not right. I learnt long ago not to play people. I have been very up front with this girl - i told her that i don't want anything serious, but that i just want to enjoy spending a bit of time with her. She knows all about my ex, she knows that i have found the last 6 months really hard, and that i continue to find it hard, which is why i am scared about things with her. I have told her that i don't want to rush into doing the wrong things for the wrong reasons.

 

She knows the situation, i know the situation, and i've made it all clear. I told her that everyone thought i would marry my ex, i have told her that we were talking about getting a place together, and all this stuff. She knows it all. She is happy with it all, and glad that i talked to her about it.

This is what I'm talking about. You're post didn't say any of this. But I'm not assuming that you're playing her. I'm saying if you're not COMPLETELY honest wit her YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING. You can have the most benign intentions and when you're ex comes back say to yourself, "I was moving on," "I really cared for her," "I really was planning on staying with her."

 

Listen to me really carefully Spatz. This is meant to be harsh so that you understand what my ex did to me. She lied to herself repeatedly and I kept the ex from me. She saw no problem with that. When we broke up she showed almost no remorse. To this day the only thing she thought she did wrong was breakup with me. It's another lie she's telling herself. She covers it up with the fact that she really thought she wanted to be with me. She's a very selfless girl when she's in a relationship, she was so caring to me. But after the breakup she was so selfish. She's apologized to me but the best it's been is a dry "I'm sorry for the pain I've caused you." twice over email. I don't think she's ever said she's sorry to me in person or over the phone, or with any emotion ever.

 

Spatz, sometimes we don't know why we do what we do. But now that I'm telling you this--That you have to be honest with the girl--then you have no excuse like, "I didn't mean to cause her 10 months of pain, because I didn't know the ex would come back," or "I didn't want her to cry for a year, but I really thought I was moving on at the time." I'm just saying be very careful spatz. Us humans are very selfish. Be careful you don't cause someone the same pain you went through in your process of trying to find someone.

 

But I am glad you found someone

[GeeCee]

Raider

 

Whoa!!! Slow down tiger and read Spatz's post before you get on your proverbially high horse. He has SAID that he has been totally up front with the new woman. He has certainly NEVER said, to my knowledge that he is moving on (I shall be delighted when he does). He is trying to find some sense in all of his confusion, as far as I can see it, and if that means he spends a little time with another woman, that is all good.

 

Raider, what are you suggesting that he do? Become a monk. Sit around waiting for fourteen months like you did. Has he not suffered enough. Time, at some point to START LIVING AGAIN.

 

Spatz

 

You are doing NOTHING wrong. You have been totally upfront with the woman. She knows the situation. Go out and have some fun. Chances are that it will lead to nothing and you will both go your separate ways. But remember Detemined's recent posts ...?!? That little thing called desire creeps upon us when we least expect it.

 

And to both of you. If I thought that my ex was going to have an inflence on EVERY SINGLE move I made for the rest of my life, I might as well take heavy shot-gun and shoot self RIGHT NOW!!

 

At some point, we have ALL got to move on, whether that point be six months, six days, or fourteen months.

 

Raider, do try not to come accross as so aggressive in your posts. You have a lot of good advice. But everyone's situation does NOT directly pertain to the hurt YOUR ex put YOU through.

 

G xx

[raider5]

I really don't know what you two are talking about. Let me get all the relevant points so that you understand that I'm not accusing him of ANYTHING! I'm trying to make sure he understands what he's doing.

 

1)If this is just casual dating then you can ignore this post

 

2)If it's a potential relationship then heed my warning!

 

3)Of COURSE you can date her.

 

4)you MIGHT end of really hurting this girl IN THE SAME WAY YOU WERE HURT.

 

5)I'm not saying you can't date her I'm saying:

 

If you date her and still have feelings for your ex, you have to tell her you still have these feelings

 

6)This is what I'm talking about. You're post didn't say any of this.

 

7)You can have the most benign intentions and when you're ex comes back say to yourself, "I was moving on," "I really cared for her," "I really was planning on staying with her."

 

8)But I am glad you found someone

 

9)I'm just saying be very careful spatz.

 

 

I know what you're doing. Your saying, "look how harsh he is, he must be attacking him." You see things like

 

Don't give me this S34T about "I feel like I'm moving on." Don't F323ing lie to yourself! You have to be honest with her.

 

And you assume I'm talking about Spatz even though the entire paragraph before it was about my ex and what my ex did to me and stuff about my ex is all over the place. Would you two just stop assuming that every sentence is about spatz. Read my posts again. I'm showing him the pain that I went through. I want him to think about this. I'm not accusing him of ANYTHING. Find a sentence where it seems like I'm accusing him of something, then notice how it can be read in a non-accusatory manner. I mean I don't see how you can come to this conclusion. See the 9 things above? See where I said "I'm happy you found someone." How are they consistent AT ALL with the other things if you read them as me accusing him. How can I say 'be a "monk" and don't pursue this girl' one moment and then say "I'm happy you found someone" the next. It doens't make sense does it? That's because your not reading it correctly.

 

I'm sorry. Breakdown of communication I guess.

[spatzcolumbo]

Hey no worries people - all advice taken on bored and thought through. i'm sure that we all get communications breakdowns from time to time. Lets keep it all above board for the moderators' sakes hehehe.

 

Anyway, the new girl knows every little thing, and know my situation so i guess i take it slowly from there.

 

Geecee, how are you doing?? long time no speak!!! hope all is well....slowly but surely the time is passing!!!

 

Its been too long now...just glad to maybe be coming out the other side!!

[GeeCee]

I really don't know what you two are talking about. Let me get all the relevant points so that you understand that I'm not accusing him of ANYTHING! I'm trying to make sure he understands what he's doing.

 

And you assume I'm talking about Spatz even though the entire paragraph before it was about my ex and what my ex did to me and stuff about my ex is all over the place. Would you two just stop assuming that every sentence is about spatz. Read my posts again. I'm showing him the pain that I went through. .

 

Raider - I do NOT assume anything at all. I always make a point of reading posts thoroughly before I answer them. I will say again, your tone is often aggressive and you appear to view others actions with disdain. IMO this is not a good quality.

 

G xx

 

P.S. Spatz - oh yes!!! You are surely coming out of the other side. Who cares how long the journey takes us?!? I am just happy that we are getting there!

[raider5]

Raider - I do NOT assume anything at all. I always make a point of reading posts thoroughly before I answer them. I will say again, your tone is often aggressive and you appear to view others actions with disdain. IMO this is not a good quality.

 

"You appear to view others actions with disdain." Don't assume how I view other's people's actions .

Anyways, like I said before, It was meant to be aggressive. It proves a point, that otherwise wouldn't be conveyed: Such actions--some that he may not have even thought of--cause a lot of pain and he has to be VERY careful. Are you saying that this rhetorical technique--which is all it is--has no place whatsoever? Ever hear of "though love?" Ever hear of interventions? People seem to abhor conflict on here. I see "I agree" posts all the time. We have no debates. I don't know if Spatz thought twice about being careful with this other girl's heart. But I do know one thing: shocking him into defense and showing him the pain that my ex caused me will get him thinking--about consequences he doesn't even see at the moment (because she didn't see at the time either)--much more than any rosy "have you told the other girl about your ex" post. This, I'm sure of.

 

As for the disdain, just quote me where it appeared and I'll either apologize or help you understand what I meant. Isn't it at least POSSIBLE that I don't have any contempt towards any posters and opinions? Just read it again and analyze ever sentience with the two premises:

1) He's not mad at Spatz

2) He's only mad at his situation

It works, trust me. It's just a breakdown in communication--that's all. Sorry

[GeeCee]

No Raider, definitely no breakdown in communication. We see things differently. Very differently. I have neither the time nor the inclination to look over your old posts to support my argument. I will reiterate, tho, that I do not ASSUME anything.

 

I think that we should both agree to disagree on this occasion.

 

G xx

 

P.S. I entirely agree that there should be debate on this forum. Don't think that I could ever be accused of agreeing with the masses, offering hope where there clearly is none or sitting on any fences. No no no, not me!!

[dikaia880]

I think the main thing here to remember is that Spatz isn't the kind of guy to go run around hurting girls just because he can....He's been straight forward with her and as long as he keeps doing so there is nothing wrong with what he's doing, none what so ever...

Raider you assume that Spatz is like your ex...I know you intend your post to be harsh, but it didn't need to be...it just seems that your anger at your ex is coming out on Spatz and I think that's unfair...

At the sametime I probably do understand Spatz better than you and I happen to have the knowledge that he wouldn't hide that sort of thing from this girl, when you probably did not have that knowledge...

 

I think we've all put harsh words on this board sometimes, we always have our good intentions, as Raider does, but we need to be aware of who where being harsh with and why...

 

GeeCee I think Raider is just blunt with his words, he speaks his mind and it's a good thing...there does need to be a devil's advocate around to keep things balanced, otherwise we'd all be lying to ourselves and each other most of the time...

 

Spatz...Good to here about the girl bud! I think it's fine she's knows she's not number one with you, maybe one day she'll end up being that maybe yor ex will comeback and you'll go back to her (or not) just live your life and be honest with people, theres nothing more you can do...

 

*sidenote*

Once again the similarities between you and I are ridiculous....I too met a girl this weekend that a buddy of mine set me up with...we spent friday night and saturday together...didn't do anything other than a little kissing...She does not compare to my ex, apples and oranges as they say, and even though I still want to be with my ex...this girl is fun, enjoyable...We discussed dating a little, unfortunately she lives 45 minutes away and I told her with were I'm at and the fact that I'm moving in two months that I don't want anything right now...so when she comes to the city for fun we'll meet up and a very very casual relationship...but I am amzed at the similarities Spatz...

 

Good luck with this new girl...just because she doesn't compare to the ex, just like with the girl I met, it's probably apples and oranges...and while you might want apples (the ex) it's possible you'll wake up one day craving oranges (new girl)....or maybe you'll want a Bananna (some other girl)...i coulod keep going but I won't, you get the point...keep your heart and mind as open as possible to this new thing...

~Dikaia

[raider5]

No Raider, definitely no breakdown in communication. We see things differently. Very differently. I have neither the time nor the inclination to look over your old posts to support my argument. I will reiterate, tho, that I do not ASSUME anything.

You don't assume, but you offer no proof. I think you really don't find any support. You've made it quite clear what you think about my responses, but I'm telling you you're wrong and I'm trying to make amends and apoligize where I came off as harsh, but you won't have any of that. You're right, there's nothing more I can do at this point except make one thing clear.

 

YOU ARE ALL MY FRIENDS. You've helped me out a lot and I'm very grateful! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't take what I say personally. You ALL have to believe that I put a lot of passion in my posts so that it will effect you more. Please don't look at my posts negatively. After you read my posts ask yourself, "Was he rude to me, or was he just critizing my opinion or maybe trying to help me understand something?" I'm telling you that I'm not trying to be rude to you, so work real hard to interpret it as the latter case.

 

Lets make a deal GeeCee. For future posts, if I appear to hold the poster or his/her opinion with disdain you will call me on it and quote me the evidence to back up what you say. I will then apoligize or explain what I meant. Because I'm telling you right now, I don't mean to convey animosity. So one of two things is going on: either I'm not conveying or explaining myself correctly, or you're interpreting what I say incorrectly.

 

Why can't we all just get along?

[raider5]

I know you intend your post to be harsh, but it didn't need to be

 

Dikaia. Let me add to that story that I told spatz. This girl I was talking about actually wrote in her journal that she would give her new boyfriend the first chance if her ex came back. She was lying to herself the entire time. She didn't even give him that chance, she lied to herself again. Her sisters approached her about what she would do with the new relationship if her ex came back. Like spatz, she thought the EXACT SAME WAY. But in a way she was worse off because at least Spatz tells the new girl about the old.

 

Now if someone came to her and was really harsh and emotional about what she might potentially do to her new boyfriend if ex came back, do you think she would of thought harder about what she might end up doing and save the guy some of that 14 months of pain? Maybe, maybe not. But I'll tell you one thing. When people approached her with gentle recommendations she kept lying to herself. It did nothing.

 

Isn't it POSSIBLE that Spatz can hurt this new girl? Isn't it POSSIBLE that he might not have thought it through all the way. I'm not saying he didn't. But if he did then this post doesn't matter anyways.

 

I'm sorry, but being harsh makes him think. I want him to say, "Why is he acting like this, wow the guy really is hurt, I better be careful, I better heed his warning." Can you honestly tell me if I came in and said, "Make sure you don't hurt her", and he smiled and nodded that this would be MORE EFFECTIVE in making him think twice, in making him take care not to be reckless with someone else's heart?

 

I'm sorry but I'm not going to apologize for trying to make him think really hard about the power he potentially has now. It was good for him, because now he'll be even more careful. Because he knows I'm going to grill him if he later dumps this new girl for his ex.

[dikaia880]

You do always have good points, and most of the time I agree with your passion on issues...I guess my thinking comes from a marketing background, where I believe you need to be aware of your audience and select the right message...I just happen to have a better awareness on this one, due to the discussions me and Spazt have talked about...

 

As with the girl you talk about...I do not believe she was always lying to herself...just because she said she would give the new guy a chance if the ex came back...she probably thought the ex would never come back and when something like that happens it changes everything...

 

Spatz at this point could no more say that he would go back to his ex than he could say he wouldn't...He cannot say whether he would hurt this girl or not, because there is no way of knowing...

 

The other thing is that while you cannot go around hurting people (for any reason) you can't live your life being afraid of hurting people...it is a part of life...I've heard of people not going back to their ex because they don't want to get hurt again...what sense does that make, if you know thats one thing, but if your not willing to get back into a relationship because you may get hurt, what is the point of getting into any relationship...I've hear do ex's not wanting to take someone back because they care too much and don't want to hurt that person again...but it's the same thing, you can't live in fear of hurting someone, because all your going to do is hurt yourself...

Pain and hurt are a part of the game of love...It's going to happen no matter what...I once said to my ex thinking that she got scared that i would hurt her I said "I will never hurt you XXX....never, i promise you this" She said "I never thought I'd hurt you, and now look..." and I realised that you cannot guarentee anything like that its not possible...

 

There is no promising that you will not hurt someone...sometimes it has to happen, and you will feel bad about it...but this is the sort of thing that can help Spatz move on, he needs this...the girl knows what she's getting involved in, she knows the risk....she seems willing to try it...heck maybe she ends up hurting Spatz by going back to her ex...theres no guarentees in life....

[raider5]

Spatz at this point could no more say that he would go back to his ex than he could say he wouldn't...He cannot say whether he would hurt this girl or not, because there is no way of knowing...

But you can do A LOT of things to make sure you minimize the hurt.Every time they go out is one step closer to her possibly falling inlove with him.

So he should tell her about ex. He should take it really slow. The fact is that you can't really start a relationship until you're over the last one.

 

Sure everything might of changed for my ex the moment that her ex came back. But are you telling me there's NOTHING she could of done to minimize the pain? I mean telling me about the ex would of been nice. Maybe not dating me in the first place might of also helped, if she knew back then.

 

 

 

The other thing is that while you cannot go around hurting people (for any reason) you can't live your life being afraid of hurting people...it is a part of life...

I never said you should.

[GeeCee]

Lets make a deal GeeCee. For future posts, if I appear to hold the poster or his/her opinion with disdain you will call me on it and quote me the evidence to back up what you say. I will then apoligize or explain what I meant. Because I'm telling you right now, I don't mean to convey animosity. So one of two things is going on: either I'm not conveying or explaining myself correctly, or you're interpreting what I say incorrectly.

 

Raider

 

I am definitely going to hold you to this. However, I think that you have used the passion card before in an argument to support the way you put your point accross. Remember, that in some way or another WE ARE ALL HURTING HERE!

 

As to the fact that Spatz cannot guarantee that he will not hurt the woman that he is thinking of dating. Um ... only a liar could do that! None of us can give that undertaking. YOU might hurt the next person you are in a relationhip, I might do so. That is the delicate trade-off that we have to make in our pursuit of that exquisite thing called love.

 

Raider, I personally am not offended at your posts. However, I have noticed that sometimes others are. I shall say again (I think this is now the third time). You have a lot of valid points to make. A lot. However, I will not always agree with the way in which you voice them and I have every right to voice my opinion as well.

 

G xx

[dikaia880]

I really don't think there is anything that you can do to minimize hurt...I doubt it would have mattered if your ex had told you that her ex was still special to her....It didn't matter when I was let go for that sort of reason...

 

The other thing is you say that everytime they go out it's one step closer to her falling in love with him...true it is...but it could also be said that he could be one step closer to falling in love with her...

The fact of the matter (well maybe not fact per se) is that there is very little you can do to minimize hurt...people hurt when they fall in love with someone who is already with someone else all the time...You cannot pick and choose who you fall for and who you don't it doesn't work that way...

 

As for being over an ex before you go out with someone else....I don't think that you can truly be over someone until you find someone else...it's the final step...I think this is good for Spatz to help him move on...again the girl knows it might not work out and she's willing to take that risk...

We all need to be willing to take the risk of being hurt or hurting someone if we are to live a life worth living...Everybody wants somebody, it tends to be a painful journey towards finding that person...How do we know what we have if we've never been hurt?

[raider5]

*edit*

Don't get me wrong. I want Spatz to date this girl too. I think it's a great idea. I never said not to date her

*edit*

 

Have you girls ever heard this quote:

 

Don't be reckless with other peoples hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

 

It's actually from a song. And a lot of people believe in it. And after what I've been do I make sure to warn people with a vengance about it. I'm not making an appeal to popularity, but you should know that it's important to enough people to put it on their signatures, websites, and quote lists. Take a look:

 

link removed

 

 

Does this quote make any sense? I know you cant guarantee that you won't hurt someone, but are saying you can't minimize pain? Can you be reckless with someone else's heart? If you can, then you can minimize pain.

[spatzcolumbo]

right...just caught up on a few posts there...just one quick thing....:

 

I don't know if Spatz thought twice about being careful with this other girl's heart. But I do know one thing: shocking him into defense and showing him the pain that my ex caused me will get him thinking--about consequences he doesn't even see at the moment (because she didn't see at the time either)--much more than any rosy "have you told the other girl about your ex" post. This, I'm sure of.

 

Shocking me into defence and showing me the pain that your ex caused you. I am sorry but i do not understand why i need to be shown this pain. I know this pain for myself. As i said in an earlier post i have been living through this pain for the best part of 6 months now. I see ALL the consequences. I have hurt people before, seriously, and i am not proud of it. Show me someone who has not hurt anyone before and i'll buy you a beer. Part of life is about pain. At the risk of sounding pretentious and cliched, we wouldn't be able to enjoy and appreciate the highs of life without feeling the lows and the immense pain that somethings cause us. i KNOW you don't mean it this way, but again your opinion comes accross with an air of supremacy as your post (quoted above) suggests that i have not felt the pain and do not have the wisdom to appreciate how my actions now will have an impact on this girls heart. You are wrong. I FULLY understand where my actions could lead. It doesn't mean i can't get involved and feel my way for a bit.

 

You quoted a line from 'Sunscreen' by Baz Luhrmann, well have you ever heard the following lyrics??

 

"It's good for everyone to hurt somebody once in a while.

The things i do to people i love shouldn't be allowed"

 

To some degree i agree with those lyrics too...sometimes people need to feel hurt. Call me weird, call me twisted, but it DOES give perspective, and it DOES help you grow. But i'm not setting out to intentionally hurt anyone. If it happens, then thats really unlucky, but i will have done everything i can to stop it happening.

 

By your theory, people can only get involved with someone who they will end up staying with forever and ever. Otherwise you suggest that the risk of hurting someone by leaving them is too much to handle, and thereforeeee perhaps the relationship should be left alone from the word go. The sad fact of life is that people DO get hurt. People DO get dumped (as we all know) but NOBODY plans for these things to happen.

 

Bed time.

[Sli]

Post - "I gratefully give up" Author - SincerlyHurt

 

Radier5 wrote…

"Good luck on everything. Sounds like you're a lady magnet!"

 

Remember that post Raider5? Remember all the girls that 'SincerelyHurt' started seeing after having no option but to move forward with his life? 'Ring check', 'CPA-girlie', 'Canadian Chickie' , 'tall blonde' ? Many times people on this board expressed their reservations as regards his new found freedom and carefree lease of life. It seems a little inconsistent to feel the need to caution Spatz so indignantly for having the courage to dip his toes back in to the dating scene, when you have no problem endorsing SincerelyHurt (above) for diving straight back in and positively splashing around!

 

Come on fella, I applaud Spatz for taking the next step in his healing process, as I applauded SincerelyHurt, as I will applaud you when you have finally closed the book on this very long and painful chapter in your life. Join me in wishing Spatz and everyone else the very best. It's been a long and painful journey for us all but sometimes you got to realise when the path you're on is leading nowhere and its time to at least try and take a different route.

 

Take care

Sli