Is my husband in love with someone else? he can't seem to let her go?

[michg]

I asked this question on here a couple of months ago and got some good answers. But my husband is now back in touch with the same woman - he started it - and I don't know if always going back to her means that he has feelings for her. He stopped replying to her emails two months ago (I assume he felt guilty) and now he contacted her again.

 

Here's what he's done:

 

Exchanges over 500 emails with another married woman, all about sex

Keeps talking about what a great dad he is

Keeps telling her what a beautiful child she has, praising her

What a perfect wife she is, who sets the standards for every other woman he knows

What a lucky man her husband is

Goes out of his way to email her and see how she is, feeling insecure about her response

Months later, when she doesn't reply warmly, emails again baiting her with topics that would get her to write back (like how fast her child was growing)

Tells her to keep in touch, because she doesn't work there anymore Tells her he REALLY hoped she was doing well too, when all she said was she hoped he was

Asks her to call him because he'd love to chat and was really looking forward to talking with her

When she didn't and asked him to call and speak to her husband, he did (to save her)

She finally goes to the office, he keeps talking about his kids again, how much he loves them and spoils them, showing off his fatherly skills

He asks her to come into his office and close the door

He touches her

She says no and promises to come back

He accepts and is disappointed, but tries his best to ensure she comes back

They talk about their families

He asks her to call him during the week so they can talk and they email when he's at work

 

Stops replying to her emails for two months but today emailed her asking to get together because he "really needs to see her"

 

Does all of this mean that he has feelings for her? Or can it be just sex?

[Catdancer]

He has feelings for her.

[sidehop]

He has feelings for her.

 

that will lead to sex and more.

[Shortpants]

Even if it is not sex, it is definitely a serious emotional affair. Emotional affairs can be even more damaging than physicall affairs. He is sharing things with this other woman that he should be sharing with you.

 

Borrowed from: link removed

 

Q: What's an emotional affair?

 

A: A new crisis of infidelity is emerging in which people who never intended to be unfaithful are unwittingly crossing the line from platonic friendships into romantic relationships, particularly in the workplace and on the Internet. Emotional affairs differ from platonic friendships in that there is 1) greater emotional intimacy than in the marital relationship, 2) secrecy and deception from the spouse, and 3) sexual chemistry. Internet affairs, which cause marital distress despite lack of actual physical contact, exemplify emotional affairs.

 

However, combined-type affairs in which extramarital intercourse occurs within a deep emotional attachment usually have the most disruptive impact "We need to have some walls in our friendships so that they don't become overly intimate or personal, and with our romantic relationships, it should be reversed," she says. "If a friend knows more about what is going on in our marriage than our spouse, it's a friendship that has gone astray." The boat-rocking affair - when one partner has an underlying dissatisfaction with the relationship. The affair is an unconscious way of drawing attention to the problem and bringing things into the open.

 

Quiz: Just Friends or Emotional Affair?

The Slippery Slope In the new crisis of infidelity, platonic friendships and workplace relationships are turning into emotional affairs, usually gradually, often without premeditation. Parties cross boundaries of emotional intimacy, sharing intimate information with a friend that is usually appropriately the exclusive territory of a husband or wife. When emotional boundaries are overstepped, the partner has taken the first step onto the slippery slope leading to emotional and eventually sexual infidelity. Even if the infidelity is "only" emotional, it often leads to a double life of deception and sexuality, threatening once secure marriages. If you recognize that your friendship or your partner's friendship may be in the danger zone of too much emotional intimacy, use this awareness to address concerns about your marriage. This quiz will help you see where you stand. Quiz: Has Your Friendship Become an Emotional Affair? *Directions: Check Yes or No to the left of each statement. Yes No

 

 

Do you confide more to your friend than to your partner about how your day went? Yes

Do you discuss negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage with your friend but not with your partner? Yes

Are you open with your partner about the extent of your involvement with your friend? Yes

Would you feel comfortable if your partner heard your conversation with your friend? Yes

Would you feel comfortable if your partner saw a videotape of your meetings? Yes

Are you aware of sexual tensions in this friendship? Yes

Do you and your friend touch differently when you're alone than in front of others? Yes

Are you in love with your friend? Yes

Scoring Key: You get one point each for yes to questions 1, 2, 6, 7, 8, and one point each for no to 3, 4, 5. If you scored near 0, this is just a friendship. If you scored 3 or more, you may not be "just friends." If you scored 7-8, you are definitely involved in an emotional affair.

 

Your husband's statement that he and this woman are "just friends" probably means that they are not sexually involved. However, your concerns about this relationship are valid. He is clearly emotionally involved with her to a degree that is inappropriate and is already threatening the closeness in your marriage. He prefers to spend time with her, and he apparently is sharing more of his thoughts and feelings with her than with you.

 

Get out of the house and take some initiative to meet him for lunch and/or dinner. If he refuses, then you have an indication that this is really a serious problem. When he says they are just friends, tell him that you believe that he is having an emotional affair, and that you want to be the one who is his best friend. See if you can get him to go to counseling before it goes too far. Trust your instincts on this one, and don't sit back passively and endure this friendship that could destroy your family.

 

He must go complete NC with this other woman to work on his relationship with you. You need to see actions, not just words from him at this point. He is living in the fantasy of the other woman, a modified "grass is greener" scenario. He enjoys the attention and the thrill of what he "can't have" and continuing to contact her is just going to make things worse.

 

I recommend trying councilling, if he is willing, both as a couple and perhaps individual as well. He sounds like he may benefit with finding out why he feels the need to go outside of his marriage to make this connection with someone. I wish you luck and hope you get some resolution to this soon.

[Jd1983]

Yes, he has feelings for her and if he hasn't slept with her yet, he's trying to.

 

Question is - why are you putting up with this?

[lavenderdove]

Yes, he is obsessed with her and trying everything he can to get her attention and get her to interact with him.

 

Your question shouldn't be about whether this is sex or not, but why you are putting up with someone who behaves this way.

 

You need to get him into counseling immediately to see if there is anything you can do to turn this around and get him to stop interacting with her, and if he won't then stop giving him more chances and get a divorce.

[metrogirl]

Isn't that enough for you to walk away from him?

[mandyc]

and why are you still there? Does he compliment YOU like this? Does he ask how YOU are doing? I know this must be so hard for you, but for the life of my I can't understand why people stay with a spouse who ovbiously doesn't want to be there and is no longer commited to the relationship.

[metrogirl]

Personally I would be crushed if I knew my husband held another female in a higher regard than his own wife.

[Doc Blaze]

yeah...he def has a thing for her..a major thing

[lionquack]

Bad news for you unfortunately....He is into her big time. The sad thing is you cant do anything to stop it. If HE wants to stop then there is a possibility but if he has tried and failed he is deep in love with her....sorry!