Dating... But he's still not my boyfriend

[ljoy74]

So some of my older posts address this issue if you're interested.

 

Here's the situation- I've been seeing this guy for about 7 months now. When we met he had just been through a rough break up with his then fiancee. They had a house together, planning their wedding, etc. He'd already done his rebound things but we decided to take things slow just to be careful and because he was new to the dating game again. Clearly things are good since we're still "together" after 7 months. We've talked about our status before, and during the most recent talk he confirmed that we're dating, he's just still not ready to put a title on it. We've been exclusive for quite a while. He compares us to Ashton Kutcher and Jennifer Garner in Valentines Day for those of you who have seen it. (I am literally the Kindergarten teacher who gets screwed over time after time, and he's the sweet guy who loves a girl so much, but she stops reciprocating the feelings and embarrassingly returns the engagement ring) He wants us to build up a really great friendship before getting serious.

 

So Here's the Problem: I'm happy with our relationship except for the fact that we're not boyfriend and girlfriend. I understand where he's at. It hasn't even been a year since the break up and I try to be as supportive as I can. He recently got the "I'm so sorry, I made a huge mistake" phone call from his ex-fiancee and basically told her to get lost, that he was seeing someone else and that it was her turn to heal and she needed to do it on her own. So he's very much done with her, why can't he give me a title?

 

I'll answer any questions you've got... just need some insight from outsiders!

[tackles]

It hasn't even been a year since the breakup, so we're talking what, 10 or 11 months?

 

You've been together 7

 

That means he was only broken up 3-4 months from a woman he was engaged to marry.

 

Good luck with that. He's not anywhere near ready to be in a relationship, you're a rebound to him.

[annie24]

i don't like it. it's not right to me.

 

so just to clarify, he hangs out with you, goes to movies with you, cuddles with you, has sex with you, but you aren't his gf? blah. i would NOT be ok with that, especially after dating for 7 months. I wonder if this is a rebound for him, or what his deal is with putting a label on it.

[nadid]

Hmmm... 7 months sure is a LONG time to be in that limbo. You've been a sure comfort to him. What about you & his story though? For him to keep defaulting to his Ex as an excuse is a huge indicator that you are a rebound. Have you thought about taking a break from the relationship? Oh, well, I mean from the dating-relationship. This status must mean you are free to date other guys. Have you?

[ljoy74]

I really can't explain the title thing. All of his friends (boys and girls alike) and family (including parents, brother, brothers girlfriend) have met me, they know we're together. He's not seeing anyone else because we're together too often, or we're texting/IMing, whatever. He wants to get back to where he was in his life relationship wise (On the path to getting married and having kids. His parents are in there 70s already and his biggest fear is that they'll never meet his children) so why would he be wasting time with me? It makes no sense!

[petite]

I wouldn't continue with this. I'd tell him either make your mind up about us or I am simply not into dating someone for 7 months. That's a long time without a "label". Some people can do it, I personally couldn't. You do everything a couple does yet he wont call you a girlfriend? There is something major wrong there.

 

What is also worrying me is, he was engaged to this woman and moved on very fast. I'd be a little weary of this. Having said that, I know people can enter new relationships and actually fall in love and end up with that person, but you still have to be careful

[annie24]

why does he say he is not ready to put a 'title' on it. maybe you should ask him. what does the title mean to him?

[ljoy74]

Honestly, I think he is scared I'm going to turn into a different person when we're actually "in a relationship." We talked about this and he swears he knows I'm being myself with him now but part of me thinks he doesn't. For a girl, I'm super laid back (7 months!) and carefree, not clingy or overly involved. I'm not the jealous or presumptuous type like his ex-fiancee was. I think he is scared that once we're together that this will change and I'll suddenly be some obsessive, freaky, angry girl. Thats never been who I am though. I understand him not wanting a repeat of the previous madness if this is the case... but I'm real. I am 100% my self when I'm with him.

[MakestheBest]

Honestly, I think he is scared I'm going to turn into a different person when we're actually "in a relationship." We talked about this and he swears he knows I'm being myself with him now but part of me thinks he doesn't. For a girl, I'm super laid back (7 months!) and carefree, not clingy or overly involved. I'm not the jealous or presumptuous type like his ex-fiancee was. I think he is scared that once we're together that this will change and I'll suddenly be some obsessive, freaky, angry girl. Thats never been who I am though. I understand him not wanting a repeat of the previous madness if this is the case... but I'm real. I am 100% my self when I'm with him.

just be careful. My ex gave me the same impression. Granted earlier on her offered me a relationship and I put the brakes on it, but when I finally came around and wanted to solidfy things he gave me the " fear i would be like his needy codependent ex theory". I was understanding to a fault...his fault. He's currently dumped.

[Keyman]

Ask him if he minds if you start dating other guys. Tell him you can't wait around for him to decide if he wants you officially as part of his life and as that is what you are wanting, you want the chance to find someone that does want you to be him girlfriend.

[arcadefire]

If I were you, and it's been 7 months, I'd ask him whether he wants to get serious with you and if he's not ready then the timing is not right then. I probably wouldn't waste any more time with a guy who is fresh out of a serious break up.

[Keyman]

Honestly, I think he is scared I'm going to turn into a different person when we're actually "in a relationship." We talked about this and he swears he knows I'm being myself with him now but part of me thinks he doesn't. For a girl, I'm super laid back (7 months!) and carefree, not clingy or overly involved. I'm not the jealous or presumptuous type like his ex-fiancee was. I think he is scared that once we're together that this will change and I'll suddenly be some obsessive, freaky, angry girl. Thats never been who I am though. I understand him not wanting a repeat of the previous madness if this is the case... but I'm real. I am 100% my self when I'm with him.

 

And yet he still can't stop thinking that you are her. He needs time to sort out his baggage before he can fully commit to you. I think you should be straight up with him and tell him that until he does sort out his bagge issues that you would like to take a break from being together. I know it will hurt you like hell, but by the sounds of it, some things already are.

[denise_14]

Gee, we're actually in the same situation, except that we have been together for more than 7 months..it's been more than a year actually. Just to say that you're not alone.

 

Being the princess who dreams of fairy tale love stories with happily ever afters, sometimes I also feel bothered by the fact that our relationship still has no label. THere are times when I pity myself and even get paranoid that maybe, I'm not a girlfriend material for him. But realizing all the memories we've shared, the fact that his family and friends have met me already and vice versa, the wonderful friendship we've established and continue to nurture, I say to myself, hey..maybe this is worth it after all. Everything will come in God's perfect time, if it's truly meant to be.

 

Officially together. What a lovely phrase...but which is the stronger word? Some couples are official but in essence are not together...circumstancial? maybe. My guy and I may not be official YET but we're together...happy together... It's always a choice.

[ljoy74]

Well I'm going to talk to him (again). I feel like I'm beating a dead horse about it but it does need to get straightened out. Denise_14 it is nice to know there is someone else out there in the same shoes. My best friend was in my place last year about this time. She waited 11 months for them to officially be together and they're very happy. I'm not by any means saying that this is what will be the outcome in my situation because she is my best friend but it's a comparable situation.

 

A very good guy friend of mine argues with me about this all the time. Granted, this is a guy friend who [awkwardly] professed his love for me but all I had to give in return is entirely platonic friendship. He gets so angry about my "non-boyfriend" being just that, not my boyfriend. We argue about it every time we talk, we're hardly friends anymore. He just doesn't understand why the non-boyfriend hasn't snapped me up "off the market" yet. It drives him absolutely insane.