Getting back together...how do you make it work?

[LLammas]

A little background info:

 

He and I have been very close friends for over a decade. In the last year, we began seeing each other. Initially, we had agreed that it would be casual, and not to let things get too seriously too quickly as we both had been in bad relationships previously. Of course, things began to get serious on both ends without either of us really talking about it. He would hint around for me to move in; I would talk about long term plans for us.

 

To make a long story short, he broke up with me. He said he wasn't sure how he felt and needed time off to sort through his feelings. Only a month after asking me to move accross the state and settle down with him, he told me he thought he saw me as more of a friend than a girlfriend.

 

Two weeks after the break up, I caved on my NC and contacted him. I told him I missed him, and he told me he was just on the verge of calling me himself. We talked about what had happened, and he claimed that he left me abruptly because he wasn't ready to face his feelings and that things were getting serious despite his reluctance to get into another serious relationship.

 

Basically, he's afraid of commitment.

 

We're officially back together after that long conversation. We had a wonderful Easter weekend with one another, and we talked about all that had happened between us. He told me he felt like I was pressuring him into something serious and that's why he bailed. He also said he wished I had more confidence in myself and in us, and that my constant paranoia and doubt spread over to him.

 

What I'm asking is this: how do I make it work this time? We love each other and want this to work, but I'm terrified of coming off as too clingy or self conscious now.

 

If any of you have reconciled, been the dumper in a similar situation, are in the midst of reconciliation, or just plain have some advice to offer, I'd love to hear from you.

 

I want this to work more than anything. While he has his own part in this, how do I keep from screwing it up on my end? How do I refrain from asking him those nagging little questions about where we stand?

[medtec]

I can say that you have to fix the problems you had in the relationship. If he said you were too clingy...were you? Or was he being a total jerk and putting it on you? You should have thought about all of this before jumping in. Change is needed and so is compromise.. communicate, if he doesn't then tell him how important it is. If there is something he is trying to change in you...then BEWARE.

 

You are 27...what does he mean by he doesn't want commitment? Think about this, because if he doesn't want real commitment now, he never might. Don't just go along with whatever he says and be your own woman. Listen to the gut feeling. You deserve to be happy, and if that means commitment, then that's what it means and someone else could give it to you.

[LLammas]

Thanks medtec.

 

I guess I didn't explain our background well enough to flesh out the whole "fear of commitment" thing.

 

He had gotten out of a very bad relationship shortly before we began seeing each other, and we agreed to keep it casual. That didn't happened (from either side), but when we had the big discussion he told me he was terrified of commitment and that's why he ran away.

 

That being said, he also said that the short time we spent apart gave him a better perspective of things, and he knew he didn't want to live without me. He said he's ready to recognize the relationship fully now, but doesn't want to jump into the crazy, long term planning that we had begun doing prior to the break up.

 

Basically, he just wants to be together, and so do I. I'm just afraid that we'll become too serious and/or I'll become insecure and start questioning things again. I don't want that.

[atelis]

it sounds like both of you are scared and it's manifesting in the classic come here-go away scenario. be upfront with each other about you are scared of.........are you scared of being abandoned? is that why you are clingy or needy? Is he scared of the same thing? is that why he avoids or fears commitment?

[Keyman]

Wow, you have been friends for 10 years, have been dating and he dumped you because he thought you were putting pressure on him to commit?

 

What's changed? It sounds like you were always left wondering where you stood before, now it's like you are walking on egg shells. You don't know how to act around him, and just being you seems to stress him out which in turn causes you to 'get clingy'.

 

I'm really sorry to say, but I don't see this going anywhere. Having been through a 14 month relationship with a commitment phobe and felt very much the same as what is going on here, it adds to my argument that this isn't going to end happy.

 

You both need to feel that you are accepted how you are. People aren't clingy by themselves, it takes two to generate this kind of behaviour.

[LLammas]

Wow, you have been friends for 10 years, have been dating and he dumped you because he thought you were putting pressure on him to commit?

 

What's changed? It sounds like you were always left wondering where you stood before, now it's like you are walking on egg shells. You don't know how to act around him, and just being you seems to stress him out which in turn causes you to 'get clingy'.

 

I'm really sorry to say, but I don't see this going anywhere. Having been through a 14 month relationship with a commitment phobe and felt very much the same as what is going on here, it adds to my argument that this isn't going to end happy.

 

You both need to feel that you are accepted how you are. People aren't clingy by themselves, it takes two to generate this kind of behaviour.

 

You definitely have a valid point.

 

To be honest, I was overly clingy. Despite his hinting for me to move in with him, we were never "officially" a couple before. Now, he said he's ready to make the commitment and asked me to help him get over his issues with it in order for this to work.

 

In turn, I feel that I need to get over mine. I'm not afraid to be myself at all. We know each other extremely well, but both of us have some destructive relationship habits that we're trying to overcome.

[LLammas]

it sounds like both of you are scared and it's manifesting in the classic come here-go away scenario. be upfront with each other about you are scared of.........are you scared of being abandoned? is that why you are clingy or needy? Is he scared of the same thing? is that why he avoids or fears commitment?

 

We had the fears conversation not long ago, and you pretty much hit the nail on the head. I have an intense fear of abandonment, and he's afraid of getting hurt and losing our friendship (we're very close friends; talked every day about everything for 10 years) by screwing up a relationship. We're both too neurotic for our own good.

[VeraLynn]

I've been back together with my guy for 2 months now.. He left for the same reasons, fear of commitment. Commitment phobes can be difficult to be in a relationship with! It's a rough road, the hard part of my rekindle only lasted the first month, now we're back to best friends/relationship and he tells me he loves me daily. Two months ago I never thought I'd be typing that last sentence.

 

At first it was hard as heck. As women, we want reassurance and we're mostly okay with commitment and the end-all-- men are not. The only thing I can say is to let go of all insecurities and take it day by day. I never ask the state of the relationship or where things are going and it's how we got where we are now. Sure, some would say it's stupid to be in a relationship and not be able to ask the state of things, but the second he feels pressured, he likes to burn things down.. It's just him.. So, I battle that by being easy going and carefree.. I hang out with my friends and make plans with out him on a regular basis. If I feel insecure about things, I make plans with my girlfriends and go out until I forget about the whole scenario and I'm back to my cheery care-free self.

 

Also, sign up for a few things that make you feel good-- it will boost your confidence and you'll come full circle to where you start realizing you're a catch and he has to work to keep you. Once my mentality changed to that, my boyfriend started pursuing and being lovey dovey, flowers, commitment and the whole she-bang.

 

At least one a week I wanted to scream "where is this going?!" "Are we moving back in together?!" "What the heck?!" but I just let it go and didnt bring it up and eventually, he brought it up on his own time in his own comfort zone.

 

Listen to exactly what he says, don't pressure him and just assume its all cheery until you hear otherwise. Assumptions that it's going to go south will probably only lead to the demise because half the time its just in our head! Just remember, you've been best friends for years, you're forever engraved on his heart, so just bank on that and don't let the insecurities get the best of you.

 

Good luck!

[LLammas]

Thanks VeraLynn. I'm glad that things are going so well with your own commitment-phobe. It gives me hope for my own.