I think Im in an abusive relationship!!

[InaDaze87]

My girlfriend and I have been having a lot of problems lately and she keeps saying that I have an anger problem. The problem for me is that I really don't think this is true because no one has ever told me this my entire 22 yrs of life nor have I ever gotten as angry with anyone as I do with her. What usually happens is we will get into an argument about something big or small. She will fly off the handle yelling, cursing, or name calling because she is mad. Then she wont stop no matter how many times I ask. Mind you the entire time I am the calm one who is trying to talk normally. She will continue to try and dominate the conversation by either telling me that she already knows how I feel, focusing on only what she feels i did wrong, or trying to bait me by making remarks that she knows will push me over the edge in kind of a passive-aggressive manner. So when I feel myself getting angry or frustrated I try to leave or ask her to leave which always results into us getting into a physical altercation with pushing, shoving, or something pretty close to fist fighting without actually hitting one another because she is trying to keep me from leaving or she doesnt want to leave. Of course I always come out on top of the physical part of it cause I am obviously a MAN and she a WOMAN. I have even broken a vase and punched a couple of walls but it was only after I peaked the top of my anger from trying to with stand everything said or did to hurt me. I either have to push her very forcefully to the couch, wall, and the most extreme was I ended up choking her for her to stop push my head around. Now I dont agree with any man ever putting their hands on a woman in an aggressive manner and I never thought I would end up in the situation myself and after the very first time it happened I felt so bad and like I needed to end our relationship. Since then it has happened 4 more times and its starts the same way every time with her being passive-aggressive. I even went to talk to a therapist cause she said I needed to but it happened again even after I learned ways defuse the arguments. Now this last time she has been acting like a have actually been beating on her and says that I really have anger problems. She came from an abusive background with her father and says that I remind her of him now. She feels that no matter what she says or does to hurt me that I shouldn't get to that point of anger with her because she is a woman and that I down play the fact that I put my hands on her forcefully. I dont know what to do anymore.Is she right; do I really have anger problems and down play what I have done or do I just react in the wrong manner after taking her verbal lashing.

[jul-els]

From what you're saying it sounds like she's projecting her desire to be hit that she learned growing up onto you and you are letting yourself be drawn into it. This relationship is neither healthy nor worth your time. You don't want to learn her patterns. It's really gonna screw you up bad. You should end it.

[lessy20]

I agree with jul-els. I was beaten growing up and there is something comforting about it, as crazy as that sounds, so I think she is instigating that with you. It's REALLY hard not to start being physical like that when it's what you grow up with. Has she ever gone to therapy to deal with it? If not, it will be really hard for her to break that cycle. All this I'm saying from experience, you sound exactly like my ex boyfriend and I. I would think it was him as well, or imply it was his fault, when really it was me.

[HeartGoesOn]

I wouldn't even call this a relationship, and would move on before this drags you down to nothing, which it will.

[InaDaze87]

To answer your question she has never wanted to deal with her past until now. At least that's what she is saying. Back over christmas we got into a big fight about me spending christmas with her and her family whole lives about 2 hours away from my family. Her birthday is christmas eve and I had planned on driving down to see her two days prior and stay until the night of christmas even and she had a fit. She told me if i couldnt stay through christmas day that she just didnt want me there. The year before we split the holiday between my family that morning and hers that night. She tried to make it seem like i didnt love her and pretty much made me feel like i never do anything right. This has been going one for about a year now and it has completely drained me. So whenever we finally talked about it she made it seem like my feelings didnt matter and she was only concerned with herself. I even made her promise to go talk to someone about everything when we got back for the second semester of school but she still hasent. I want to be her knight in shining armor so bad and take all of her problems away but instead its like she wont let me. Then she blames me for everything. Its like im taking all her rath from her father's transgressions as well as some of her past relationships. When i tell her how I feel its like she hears me and feels bad but she just cant stop thinking about protecting herself. I knew she had some of these issues when we started to get serious a year and six months ago and thought i could be that person to help her let go and be happy but its just not working. Im a completely different person now. Im not confident an anything I do when it come to the relationship, let her say what ever she feels, she has even called me push over the other day and said that she didnt like that about me cause i use to not be that person. I have put everything i can emotionally into making her happy and she still isnt.

[Jelina]

I think you should stay away from her. I don't think it's right of you to choke her. I understand that maybe she hit you first or maybe she made you very angry but hitting someone back especially someone who is physically weaker than you is not the answer. I knew a man who was always getting beat on by his wife and he stayed with her because he loved her. One day I guess he couldn't take it anymore and he hit her back, a fight took place, he lost control. He suffocated her with a pillow. Now she's dead and he's in prison.

 

Stay away from this girl, this is an unhealthy relationship, I mean you've already choked her what's next? You know she pisses you off, she's not helping the situation. Seriously stay away. Your asking for serious trouble.

[yeawutever]

I think you should stay away from her. I don't think it's right of you to choke her. I understand that maybe she hit you first or maybe she made you very angry but hitting someone back especially someone who is physically weaker than you is not the answer. I knew a man who was always getting beat on by his wife and he stayed with her because he loved her. One day I guess he couldn't take it anymore and he hit her back, a fight took place, he lost control. He suffocated her with a pillow. Now she's dead and he's in prison.

 

Stay away from this girl, this is an unhealthy relationship, I mean you've already choked her what's next? You know she pisses you off, she's not helping the situation. Seriously stay away. Your asking for serious trouble.

You just took the words out of my mouth. If the OP doesn't leave this toxic relationship, he can end up killing her. Why bother staying with someone who is detrimental towards your mental health?

[abitbroken]

If you throw things, push her on the coach and CHOKE her - YOU are an abuser. I don't know if I can believe (as ju-els) said that "she" is wanting you to hit her. you can only control YOU. So pull yourself up by the bootstrap and when you feel like you are going to get physical...WALK AWAY. Go take a walk. Go to another room. NO ONE deserves to be physically confronted. My ex at the end of our relationship did nothing when his sister and mother attacked me. He told me that he didn't stop it because "i didn't shut up" and so therefore "brought it on." When you say you "only" punched walls, etc, because you got to the end of your rope, etc...there is still no way to justify it.

 

Please leave this relationship but also seek counseling to prevent yourself from this slippery slope and form it happening in a future relationship. Because when you get rid of the trigger (her), but don't don't address the deeper issue you could do this if another girl sets you off. You seem to repeat that she is messed up, but you aren't and she just triggers you - there is no language here about equal culpability and that is why i think that you need some help. You wanted her to want you to be the knight in shining armor to her and that's not particularly healthy either.

[Fredos.Princez]

I think you should get away from the situation because she's the one that is starting it. and its not entireley her fault she did grow up in a violent home and thats what she knows, but then again you can't blame it on the way she grew up you know because other people grow up in the same situation and turn it into a positive thing they know not to be that way they want to change that way of living. Your right no man should lay there hands on a women but when the women pushes the mans buttons to where she starts getting aggressive then yes you have a point.

[lessy20]

You can't help her by yourself (if you do choose to stay with her.) I just know from being the girl in this situation...as horrible as that makes me sound! It's hard to explain the reasoning for it, but it all stems from being abused growing up. It took a while for me to quit being aggressive when I got mad, or pushing buttons just to instigate a physical fight. Again, I know it sounds crazy bc that's exactly what she says she doesn't want you to do, but it's true! (It's why you hear about people who got abused when they were little who say they would NEVER be with a guy like that, then lo and behold that's exactly who they get with!) I don't think it's really a conscious decision, and it's probably nothing others would be able to quite understand.

 

If you've voiced your concerns to her, and she refuses to get help I'd run for the hills, because it will only get worse. And things between the two of you, fights etc. will escalate until you end up doing something you regret and can't take back.

[InaDaze87]

I never said how I reacted was right nor excusable. I totally own up to what I did and how I reacted in all of its error. I grew up in a family full of women and had my father not been around I would probably be a step away from gay. I didnt come from an abusive background but my father did and he never laid a hand on my mother, two sisters, nor me for that matter. The thing is I love this girl and wanted to be there for her, I never thought her problems would affect me in this manner. The very first time I had to get physical with her I was disappointed, ashamed, and scared cause I have never been like that. I even told her that we shouldnt see each other cause I cant be that guy who has to put his hands on his girlfriend just so she will stop and she said that she could control herself better if I just didnt make her so mad in the first place. I have talked to my ex, family, and even some friends that have known me all if not most of my life and they all said that aggresive person isnt me. Im not a push over by any means but aggression is something I have never had a problem with. I have went to seek professional help cause I did actually think it was me, I created this forum topic cause I kinda still think its me. Its not like she and I start arguing and I up and grab her or push her. It has never happened like that. She usually gets mad at me over something and when I say calm down or please stop yelling or I will leave or you will have to leave. So when she doesn't stop and I get my keys she gets in front of the door or when its at my apartment and I say can you just leave she doesnt leave and refuses. There has even been times when I would just stop yelling with her and sit there and she gets up and comes to get right in front of me or tries to make me look at her like I am some kind of child. So for those people who say "JUST WALK AWAY" or you are an abuser and shouldnt put your hands on her, I ask what do I do??? The physical altercations always happen when I "AM" trying to leave or get her to leave cause she doesnt want me to leave the argument. And now that I recall there was one instance that she asked me to just hit her instead of leaving cause she was afraid I wouldn't come back or something.

[jul-els]

I strongly suggest you end this relationship. It's extremely toxic. It will do you no good. You can't fix her. No one can, except for herself and even she can't unless she wants to. Based on what you're saying here, it's clear that she doesn't. Respect yourself and get free of this poisionous relationship. It's going to destroy you from the inside out and could potentially end up very ugly and tragic. Be the strong, mature, functional one here and get out and don't look back. Save yourself.

[sugar_britches]

if your girlfriend is truly passive aggressive then these types instigate arguments in order for a reaction. They can then paint you as the bad guy and convince themselves even more that you are no better than the other abusers in their life. The best thing for you to do when she is on an attention seeking, argumentative streak is to not respond at all. If you have to respond at all show no emotion, stay focused and walk away if you can.

 

Other than that i suggest you leave the relationship all together and find someone that can be honest and open about their true feelings without projecting them onto you. x