temp separated father-in-law still lives w/ me very nosy help

[onedayatatme]

I need some advice and please quickly. Im new to this and thank you for all the forum threads they have helped me by reading everyones advice and problems I guess im not "alone" lol

My controlling husband and I decided to temp separate, he was very reluctant but is staying at his mothers for a bit while we go to counselling. His father unfortunately lives in my basement apartment and is an alcholic but a normally functioning one. His father knows how controlling his son has been, to the point where i have no friends left and he calls me at all times still accusing me that I must be doing something behind his back. My father in law has been reporting to my husband i just learned about my every move. No I have never fooled around nor did anything to allow his trust to be questionable. Thats just the way he is. How can I approach my father-in-law about this and that my privacy should be respected. I know that I want to do this gently cause he will again tell my hubby that i approached him which in turn hubby will think i had to do this to "hide" something ugh ive had it.

 

Thank you

[russ978]

Umm...does he have a lease agreement? If you evicted the husband, evict his father.

 

That or simply ignore him.

[Her Lady]

I agree with Russ. If you're trying to get your life back you can't do it with a parrot in the basement. He's hindering you. Seriously.

[onedayatatme]

Thanks, should I just simply not care about what he will say to my hubby? There is no lease he came here to help us financially and in turn, he didnt want to live alone (its a raised bungalow with a large basement and laundry, kitchen, we both share the main door thats it. Paper walls though. Hubby and I would like to live together again within six months provided he gets to the root of his possessive nature, and I getting a backbone lol; with me kicking father out would this not make things worse in our reconciliation? Im a libra and think too much lol

[KeepMe]

I assume if he lives in the same apartment complex as you, but lives below you in the basement you can't really kick him out, it's up to the apartment holder. However, if this is the case I would strongly have a talk with him. First your husbands actions are not tolerable in my opinion, I wouldn't put up with it for a second.

Next, it's not up to your husbands father to make any judgments or be your personal spy. I would have a talk with him pretty quickly, and let him no that it isn't acceptable. Of course I wouldn't take it too easy on him, but for your sake and you wanting to keep it gentle I would maybe say:

 

"Hey (his name) can we talk for a minute? I actually heard you have been keeping (your husbands name) up to date on me ... that's nice, but I feel like you are invading my personal privacy. I am telling you honestly that I have never done anything to betray your sons trust, in fact I don't understand why he thinks I am hiding anything. Your son, and I, are going to counseling and getting things worked out so that we can be happily married, although it's difficult when other people happen to put their inputs in. I feel the marriage is about him, and I, and it would mean a lot to me if we could just keep it that way. I would do the same for you."

 

To be honest that is the nicest way I can think of putting it. You should tell him how you really feel, and if it isn't enough and your husband thinks of it as bad news, and your still hiding something, then it's up to counseling. Bring it up during counseling that his father snoops around on you, and tells your husband every move you make. I'm sure the counselor won't find that acceptable and they will have a good way of bringing that up to him, and letting him know it's not acceptable. Your husband needs professional help, and it doesn't seem like you can help change his mind on your own.

 

I wouldn't let it get to you, you can't make him believe something that he is completely oblivious, and hard headed about. The most you can do is tell the father that you love his son, wouldn't do anything to hurt his son, and that you like him (even if you have to schmooze on that one, lol) but you feel he is disrespecting you by stalking you.

 

That's the best advice I could give

[russ978]

Without sounding overly harsh...I think that your interactions with the dad would go something like :

 

"You realize that your son has moved out right? Well...I was hoping you'd get a clue and realize that you're not welcome here while it is just me, I simply don't feel comfortable with a man who isn't my husband living under my roof when it is just me. I would like for you to make arrangements to be out by the end of the week or I will be changing the locks and you won't be able to have access to your things"

 

Also, I would speak with your husband...let him know that you expect him to speak with his father to get him to leave...I'm sure your husband is loving that you're tolerating his father living in the basement....

[onedayatatme]

Well put Keepme Thank you... Hubby and I own the house and have father just like King of Queens show ha, almost the exact same. I will tell him as soon as he comes home that exact wording you put. Someone else put having a parrot in the basement is not helping and i will add that in in those words. I know his dad is upset that I didnt leave instead of his son but we spoke about that together, im not working right now and we have one vehicle, naturally the working spouse would get that vehicle and I had no place to go. I just feel so betrayed and this makes me more depressed.

[onedayatatme]

I appreciate all input, I would love to say that, accept for the fact that a) financially we need this rent money to pay the mortgage, which we are behind and we have received notice from our mortgage holders lawyer, a new tenant would be difficult to find because it is not a legal apartment. Since he is a family member him staying in the basement is ok. Its almost the same set up as the show King of Queens if you are familiar.

b) us trying to reconcile, kicking father out would certainly not help the situation. As soon as I get a job, which I have been actively looking yes I will do that.

[onedayatatme]

Thank you again to everyone, Its nice to know that somewhere out there there are people who have relationship problems (you guys know what I mean), until I found this I really felt alone

[minou]

You can't control you in-laws snoopy ways. Let your husband know it's abusive of him to have your every move monitored. No-one should have to live like that. You have nothing to hide and you don't need to prove it. Does he drink too? Whatever it is, he seriously has paranoia problems. Is there an underlying depression? Paranoia is often a defense against depression. I don't know if you can successfully suggest treatment to him, but that's what he needs. If he doesn't want therapy maybe meds through a psychiatrist? Are there any other symptoms... sleeping difficulties... unhealthy thought or emotional patterns on other fronts?

[onedayatatme]

Thats interesting, regarding the paranoia/depression connection. He has quite a few issues from childhood that I have always told him need to be addressed with a professional. He does drink occ. not near what his father does, and low and behold I waited all evening for Father in law to come home and when he finally appeared he was too intoxicated for me to have "the talk"

Im waiting for him to wake up this morning.