Do I stay or do I go?

[seralee]

Ahhh...I am so confused. I really feel torn in my relationship, and I can't decide what to do anymore. I am 25, and my boyfriend is 42. We have been together for almost 3 years. I guess I am looking for people who might have insight because of the age difference.

 

I am in a point in my relationship where I am trying to decide if I should stay or go. I keep fighting myself on what to do. I find reasons to stay and reasons to go. It is not an extremely easy decision.

 

I love him more than anything. He is my first real love, and I care for him so much. I can't imagine life without him sometimes. When things are good, they are great. He really does make me happy. He makes me feel beautiful and special. I always envisioned myself with him.

 

So as I write this, I realize the bad seems to outweigh all the good. For one, I had a miscarriage last summer, and he never once comforted or supported me. Secondly, I didn't have a job which forced me to move to a complete other state to live with my parents. He tells me he loves me, and he wants to be with me but he let's me move 6 hours away. I feel after all this time he could have asked me to stay with him until I could find a job and get back on my feet. Third, he cheated on me more than once. I took him back each time. I still have trust issues, and his betrayal still hurts. I saw him in bed with a stripper, and he told me recently it was an illusion. That it never happened. The fact that he can so easily deny it upsets me. He did apologize and told me that he never meant to hurt me. He said that I did more for him than anybody else in his life, yet he still cheated. That being said, I know in my heart of hearts he will cheat again.

 

 

Another thing, even though we have been together for almost 3 years, he has never formally introduced me to his parents or family. I have been involved in his daughters life, but I am not allowed to say we are together. Even though she tells me she knows that I am his girfriend. She asks me why her dad can't tell her the truth. He let me take her on a week long vacation with me, but I am still only his "friend. Should I read into all of this or not?

 

He is 41, and he has never been married. He has never committed to anybody including me. He says he loves me and wants to marry me then the next day he says he doesn't know if he wants to be with me. It is a rollercoaster of emotions. He has said he doesnt believe in marriage because nobody wants to have sex with the same person for the rest of their life. He doesnt think people can be faithful. It doesn't help that his father has been married 4 times. His father even told him that after 10 years with someone, it all goes downhill after that. He already has a bad idea of what a relationship should be.

 

I think my age bothers him sometimes too. He feels that since he is 42 and never committed to anybody, how can I be so sure of someone at only 25. He thinks I don't know anything about relationships. I am not asking him to marry me tomorrow, I just want to know he is serious about being with me and taking our relationship to that next step.

 

I am so torn because do I keep waiting for him? I feel as if I am putting my life on hold for him. I keep hoping and waiting for him to finally seriously commit to me and realize this is what he wants. Do I stick with my heart or follow my head? Do I stick with a man who has cheated on me and lied to my face? As I speak, he is out in Vegas for a bachelor party. All I can think of is the beautiful women at there and if he is going to act on it. It hasn't stopped him before, why stop now? I hate the anxiety I am feeling right now.

 

Someone give me some insight on what to do. Is there anybody that has been with someone older who tells you they love you but still can't make a committment? Who says they are ready for marriage but as soon as things start to get serious, they get cold and distant?

 

 

Sorry if this is long, but I don't have anybody that I can talk to or really relates to me.

[ToF]

For one, I'm in a relationship with someone who is over a decade older than I am, so I can relate on that level.

 

Secondly, you need to leave. You KNOW it. Look at all he has done to you! I know it's hard, and I know you don't know what to do or where to go, but please, just do yourself this favor.

[ToF]

P.S. Private message me if you'd like to, I'd like to help you if I can

[LazyDaisy]

Personally I would never stay with someone that cheated on me unless I was married with kids. And then he would only get one more chance. This guy cheated on you several times. That's not good. You are young and have plenty of time to find someone that deserves you.

[Maroney555]

He went to bed with a stripper...and then tried to convince you it was an illusion? That's just weird to me.

 

Your SO seems VERY manipulative. The fact that you don't trust him after 3 years is a big problem. I don't see this relationship getting any easier on you.

 

It seems that he is fishing for reasons to not be with you. Him blaming you for not wanting to be committed or not knowing because you are so much younger than him is baloney. A lot of people get married around your age. Just because he hasn't settled down doesn't mean crap.

 

You are young, and I think that you should ditch this guy. He has his own ultimatums and wants a single life it seems. I think he likes having you as a trophy, not a serious girlfriend.

[annie24]

this man does not treat you like a serious girlfriend. i would leave. you deserve so much more after being with him for years.

[LilyJane]

This guy is a complete and utter jerk. You caught him cheating and he pretty much tries to convince you that's you're crazy?

 

He is completely manipulating your emotions, and he really does not care about you if he treats you this way. Leave him, and better luck finding someone better.

[Salicia]

If he hasn't treated the relationship with you as something serious, why stay with him? He hasn't gave you a chance to meet his parents, you have to lie to his daughter and tell her that you aren't in a serious relationship with him and the worst thing of all is that he has cheated on you left and right. He's only manipulating you. Leave while you're still thinking about it because if you don't it will only get worse. Some older men should realize that even though you are decades younger, you still should be treated with respect. I'm also in an age difference relationship so I can also relate with all of this as well.

[flyoffthewall]

I agree with the previous posts. Yes, it is hard to leave someone that you love, even when they treat you as poorly as he has. Your choice is between (a) stay, experience more lost time/disappointment/pain, and have to painfully leave him later anyway (b) tear off the band aid now, know that it will hurt for awhile, but start your new life and your new opportunity for happiness as soon as possible.

[seralee]

Thank you guys for all the advice. It is something I have always known but I keep trying to deny myself the inevitable. I wanted to hope that things would change but I know the truth deep down.

[geekgirl4]

I agree with what everybody says, you have to get out of this relationship. It's hurting you! I can't believe that he cheated on you with a stripper and tells you it's an illusion! What does he think you are, a 3 years old? This act basically says he thinks your naive enough to believe an incredible bad excuse like that (seriously, an illusion?) and you're not! You can see all these problems in the relationship, you're already halfway there! Take that extra step and get out!

[CordelliaG]

He is a confirmed bachelor, he will never marry you and he probably is doing this to you because he can't get away with doing it to women of his own age, they wouldn't put up with it for a second. Please get out because this will only hurt you and there are plenty of nice guys out there who will treat you like the princess you are!

[Puddincup]

Leaving will be hard to do but staying with someone who manipulates, lies, and cheats will be MUCH harder on you in the end. As hard as it will be, you need to let him go. He definitely should have let you stay with him, among other things. I can't tell you how many red flags there are with this guy.