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Has anyone on here dated a man that is currently going through a divorce?


Pnt8rshs

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I met a man online that is going through a divorce. For the first 2-3 months of knowing him, I held a strict "friends only" rule. We stuck to this. For some reason, we had this crazy intense connection that we could not deny. But, I stuck to "friends only." We got to know each other over a few months. We talked about everything in our whole lives and could have this extremely open and interesting dialogue. We really get on so extremely well. Laughter, jokes, wit, connection, same interests and way of looking at the world/life. We even talked about some dates we were going on, etc. Very open. And as it goes...the fact that we were overly attracted to each other started to come to the surface. And we have started dating. For about 2 months (so, total 5 knowing each other), we've been very close, but not exclusive. However, yes, we've been intimate. Things between US are (seemingly) good. But, he has this whole other life going on with a messy divorce (2 kids) and a wife that is being relentless. It gets him down and he does sometimes tell me about it, but he pulls away.

Then wants to see me again.

Then pulls away.

 

Has anyone ever had this happen?

Been through it?

Does it work?

 

I really truly like him so so so much and would not like the idea of ending it so he can go through this .... but I'm worried I might just be a way for him to forget about his "real life."

 

Advice?

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I have seen plenty of posts on this forum where people have gotten burned by someone they started dating who is only separated or is in the midst of a divorce. Quite frankly I think it is very unfair for people to start dating before they have cleaned up their previous mess because they inevitably drag the new person into their messy life, be it directly or indirectly...and that is what is happening to you, his mess is filtering into your relationship with him. He is blowing hot and cold depending on what is going on with his divorce. Many people can't be alone so that is why they look for someone new. They can't live without someone to call a partner and they can't live without sex so they go on the prowl to find someone to ensure they have a companion and a sex partner as a diversion from their messy other life. If he is blowing hot and cold I would suggest you walk away and save yourself further anguish. Tell him when he is totally a free man and fully divorced you would reconsider dating him. I bet you dollars to donuts if you do that he will be back online looking for another female diversion/bed partner and the new one will get treated the same way as you.

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You have to remember that seperated, means just that, and they're still legally married until the divorce goes through. IMO, they are no where near ready to be dating at that time, and there's always the possibly that they could change their mind, Even someone who is recently divorced needs time to heal, time to be emotionally ready, and be on their own for a period of time, before entering a new relationship.

 

I would re-think this relationship if I were you.

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But, he has this whole other life going on with a messy divorce (2 kids) and a wife that is being relentless. It gets him down and he does sometimes tell me about it, but he pulls away.

Then wants to see me again.

Then pulls away.

 

Has anyone ever had this happen?

Been through it?

Does it work?

 

I really truly like him so so so much and would not like the idea of ending it so he can go through this .... but I'm worried I might just be a way for him to forget about his "real life."

 

Advice?

Yes, I've been through something similar, a long time ago. I was bright, bubbly, in my 20's and getting over my father's suicide and my own divorce when I met a guy who was also getting over a divorce. Neither of us could cope with real intimacy, and it worked well for about two years. Then my own healing got to a stage where I realised I had more to give to, and wanted more from, a relationship than he was capable of right then.

 

Interestingly, one of the things he said to me was that when we were together he didn't have to think about his 'other life', and at other times he'd go into his problems at great, great length. The push/pull thing sounds familiar, too - the pulling away happening shortly after we'd had a particularly nice time together.

 

I realised that our relationship was going to stay stuck in this kind of limbo, and I told him very kindly that I felt great sympathy for his situation, but that I had my life to lead and wanted a commitment that he wasn't able to give. It wasn't nasty or acrimonious. I was heartbroken, but it really was the best decision.

 

Twenty+ years later, I see him rarely but we're still friends!

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It rarely works it seems and in general it's not a healthy relationship to be in. Even if a couple is divorcing for any reason not very many can go through it without any emotions and attachment involved. A lot of people end up going back to their ex's back and forth which is what he's doing. It could be emotional, sexual or just confused about his own feelings. I'm sure insecurity and fear plays a big role.

 

It's good that you're keeping a strict friends rule but if I were you, I would wait until he is divorced and get to know him slowly.

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I have always heard that you want to wait a full year after the actual divorce is final before trying to enter another relationship. Now, this is a general rule of thumb, it will vary with other factors, ie: long seperation time prior to getting divorced, etc. but it is a good groundrule to go by. There is much baggage to deal with after a divorce, and I would fear being the "rebound" if it was too soon after splitting. As you've said yourself, the roller coaster ride of emotions you are having now, pulls you in, pushes you away, rinse and repeat, is that what you really want? I would stick to the just friends now and avoid developing feelings for someone who is truly not capable of reciprocating at this time. He needs to be a whole person himself before he can be half of a healthy relationship with you.

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