How does one get closure if the two people were forced apart

[Tears May Fall]

im going out with a girl now for 2 months, and things are kinda rocky already, and i kinda put things on a break for now, cuz i feel she needs time to get over a past relationship. Her and her ex were going out for 4 years, but being from different religions, neither parents would approve one another, and the guys parents arranged a marriage for him, and he chose to make his parents happy and had to split apart from the girl (this was 8-9 months ago). Neither of these two WANTED to leave each other, nor did they have any reason aside from those cirsumstances, to end the relationship, and neither really left each either but were forced apart. They still keep in touch always, despite the fact that he is married but isnt really happy with his marriage, and they still have strong feelings for one another and still miss each other and wish they could still be together, but she keeps talking about how she needs closure from him but she doesnt know how to attain that, and im stuck on this one myself, and cant help her as my last breakup was quite different. So how does one get closure from that type of relationship breakup?? Any help would be appreciated

[BreArna]

I would probably say the best way for her to get some closure is to stop having contact with this guy.. until she is sure her feelings for him have changed.. Itd probably take awhile tho because of the circumstances of them breaking up

[amaranth_04]

Hi Tears May Fall,

 

I remember reading a previous post of yours on this situation.

 

We can't always look to another for closure. The guy left her to make his parents happy, not her. He's currently unhappy so he's looking for comfort from her. It doesn't seem like he's giving her anything except confusion. And he isn't about to give her the closure she wants. Sometimes, we just have to look within ourselves to better a situation.

 

Your gf has to just put a stop to it. I agree with BreArna, cease contact. She has to wake up one day and just say, ''Right, this is it. I'm not going to take this anymore. It ends here. Now.'' and get on with it.

 

Her ex is not going to help her. He's unhappy and he's going to plead and say the ''right'' words and get her to stay with him, obviously for his happiness only. He will use the 4 years he has with her to sway her emotions. She has to be stronger than that. There's only so much you can do, too. It lies with her, how much more pain and confusion shé's willing to take.

[Tears May Fall]

If you read my first statement, i did mention that i broke it off with her putting her in a situation where she can determine her desires and feelings and take time to realize what it is she really wants. i can see very clearly what you two speak of, and i actually might have mentioned much of this to her, and she actually has admitted that she wants to cut off contact with him but doesnt know how to exactly as he constantly haunts and stalks her with his emotional upbringings, saying "i miss you and stuff like of the sort". I see it more clearly now that is HE who is the direct cause of their situation as he doesnt want to fully let go of her, but it is also her who allows him to do so. And i also like wut you stated in that last statement, its just a matter of how much longer the pain and suffering shes willing to take from this.

shes still stuck in a very stubborn, close minded atmosphere that is dominated undoubtetly by his contingency to seek happiness from her in the case that he is not recieving the happiness from his marriage and uses their 4 years together to fuel her into his manipulations. Clearly it does boil down to her whether she really enjoys this and it is enough to keep her going, or as she said "it puts her at ease"...or will she wake up one day and get into the real world and put it behind her and grow a backbone that doesnt rely on him

[amaranth_04]

Hi again,

 

Just a note, I meant for her to cease contact with her ex. Not you. But it should help that you've taken a break from her, at least for your own sanity. It indeed is up to her now. She just has to want to do it.

 

One thing I'd like to add as regards why she's still hanging on. Four years is a long time to be with someone. She may be scared of letting go of those feelings. So she's just hanging on to whatever he throws to her, here and there. But she has to face up to reality. Reality shows that her ex has moved on. He threw the feelings away all those months ago. Whatever else he says now, he has shown it to be so. She has to come out of denial and see it for herself.

[Tears May Fall]

well no i knew u were saying that she needs to be the one to not talk to her ex anymore...but i needed to get outta that realm where im caught in the midst of those confused feelings of hers. When she decides what she really wants, i might be here still and i might not.

I also know how hard it is to cease contact with an ex, cuz i was with someone for 3+ years too, and its now been two years since we broke up, but it took us a year to really stop talking, and now we can actually jus IM one another occasionally to ask how theyre doing but with no sort of feelings involved at all, just out of pure concern.

I understand that it is hard for her to let go what was such a big part of her life, but at the same time, she has to learn to eventually let go of it for the right reasons, and that would be out of her own will and wanting, and not for anyone elses sake(me), and that is the main reason i broke it off with her.

[hurtbylove]

She has to stop contact with her ex of her own accord.

 

If you keep insisting that they stop communicating, it will cause a lot of tension in the relationship. Let her know how you feel about the situation and try to leave it at that.

 

People can do dramatic things about feelings, like drop everything they have and chase after things that might not really be there.. Life sucks sometimes