Need advice on getting back together

[ekabnekaj]

So I'm going to try to keep this short. I've been putting this off for a while.

 

So My ex gf and me go a bit back. We went to high school together, senior year started talking and as soon as we graduated I started falling for her. We are both from California. That year she moved to NYC to go to school and I couldn't get her out of my mind. I stayed in CA and went to some lame school passing time. So I kept in contact with her for a whole year while she was in NY and through text messaging for like a year I got her attracted to me. We hung out in April when she was home for a spring break and just fell for eachother there. Started talking on the phone a lot. So I had invested a lot in this already. Then last summer she stayed home in CA for a few months and we basically fell in love as soon as she came home. It was like nothing I had experienced and I can say I fell reallllllll hard.

 

So after summer shes going back to NY and I decided that I was going too. So I moved here to NYC with her help in October and as soon as I moved here I let my insecurities about being independent and the past turn me into a different person. Which in turn made her a different person also. I had a lot of growing up to do, but I didn't know this at the time. I developed what I would call "anygirl syndrome". I know that for me, she is a one in a million but I started treating her like she was just any girl. She would really express her love to me and I would just pass it off or not say anything. Like I was in a relationship just to be in one. I can't really explain why I felt this way, I even defended myself for not returning the love. Which at this point seems inexcusable to me. Fights started, her mother got involved in a few which I believe made things way worse. One time I had suicidal thoughts and I can't explain why (I think it's just my bodys warning system for when somethings wrong, I don't really think I would ever act on it) I told her about it and she told her mother which just made things wayyyy worse. Kindof unfair since shes told me shes had them too but whatever. So around christmas this year we started getting in arguments about things that we never really argued about ever in the past. We were in CA for christmas and I had to fly back here to NYC to work on new years, she was in CA till the end of January. Well the night I got back her room mate invited me over and I was at their house with a few friends till like 4:30 in the morning. She sent me a text that said "go home now or it's over" which just set me off and I called her and yelled at her, it pretty much ended right there.

 

The next night I hooked up with some girl because I was drunk and it was new years and that experience slapped me in the face like a ton of bricks. Nothing past making out but that's just not something I do, even if I'm single (she doesn't know about this) I felt so empty and it put me in the desperate panic mode. I did everything you're not supposed to do like texting her, calling too much, saying things I don't really mean (you're everything to me, I love you more than anything etc...) I went to her appt after to get about 300 dollars I left the night before(from work) and my bong. I asked her room mate if we could still be friends and my ex took great offense to the fact that I went to her appt, or even asked her room mate that. But she was honestly my only friend here, and I was panicking. I was ignorant to what I was doing but she said it showed my true colors and she made the right decision breaking up. Well I read a few books about breakups and after a scary trade off of possessions when she came home in January (I tried to apologize and she threw it in my face, had plenty of chances to slam the door on me but didn't, then called her mother who called the police so I left) The last thing she sent me, I got the feeling like she was playing victim, which was what I did in the relationship. She just kept saying "I was vulnerable and I gave you my heart and look what you did". But I was just as hurt as she was. I initiated no contact. That lasted about a month and at the end of february I sent her a letter saying a lot of things, and that I wanted to be friends because I miss her (big mistake). She sent me a letter back that said if we were to be friends then it wouldn't be for now or ever in the future to building up to a committed relationship. She said she was over it and I should be too, but somehow I don't really believe her. I mean it ended so violently that it's hard to believe she relinquished all feelings like that but, you never know eh? I can tell in a few ways that she hasn't let go completely but I don't know what to do at this point. We started talking on myspace and thats it, but as soon as communication was open we were literally sending paragraphs upon paragraphs to each other. We really have a good connection.

 

Okay sorry about that wall of text. I put it all the best I could, if anyones still reading this I appreciate it.

 

I can honestly say that I think we should try one more time. I think it's salvageable. So right now I have 3 choices.

 

1. Tell her how I feel about it all now and say I can't be just friends with you and I want to start over. If she doesn't then I will just go into NC and forget about her.

 

2. Make friends with her and see how I feel then tell her. But by then it may be too late / making friends will have been a mistake.

 

3. Just keep talking on myspace but never actually see her face to face, which pretty much puts it to death anyway.

 

I've pulled myself together quite a bit since the last time I could think about it, and I can say I honestly do want to start it over since I've actually established myself in this city and aren't insecure anymore about being here, even alone. I've read quite a few guides online and on this site but I think some input from others would help me a lot better since the decisions I have been making on my own don't seem to be helping. If she says no to it all and I have to abandon her then I am okay with that, as much as it may hurt. I've done more growing up in the last 4 months here than I have in the last 10 years back in my sheltered life in CA which is kinda sad.

 

Thank You.