Anyone got back with their ex by doing this?

[Janet]

Hiya

 

I am 33 year old female and my 32 husband of 13 years dumped me for a 19 year old blonde. I now look at myself. I haven't put on weight or dressed differently for years. What I would say is that I have become a nag at home because of money. Obviously a 19 years blonde with no money worries, no mortgage, and no baggages is much more attractive that some who says no you can't have this or you can't go there. Which would you choose.

 

I realise now that I turned myself into that nagging person. Instead of letting him be who he wants to be. He used to fishing and ask me to come along. I always said no that I wasn't interested or he used to say lets go to the pub and watch the football. I said no because I wasn't interested in football. So I would sit at home while he did the fun things he wanted to do. I did surprise myself once by going to see a football match with him and ended up having a really brilliant time. The key is to do things together even if you are not interested in them. Being together is the key. The football was the trigger to us having a good time together.

 

He has left me now and is with someone who probably does these thing with him as she wants to please him but there will come a time when she lets him know she is not interested in them and will realise that he does not like the things she does.

 

Going forward if I meet someone else I know now that it doesn't matter what you do together just being together is very important in a relationship.

 

Sorry to go on a bit but he only left me on Tuesday so I am trying to come to terms with it but putting in words.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

Regards

 

Janet

[tere]

Janet,

I think is good that you consider what went wrong about your relationship.

Hope you are doing better.

From your story I can see that a point in a relationship is to "accept the other person as they are"... and don't take them for granted because we all want to feel happy with our choices (in this respect your partner)... relationships are to be both-sided let share part of their lives with us and not only being us sharing with them... because when on activities we may end up knowing more about their personality. Be open to new experiences.

[kate111]

All the advice on what to do to become attractive and independent is very helpful.

 

I think another thing to do is to really try to achieve the things that you aspire to do. Instead of talking and thinking about them, try to take steps to do them. This may mean taking some risks and stepping out of your comfort zone.

 

Some things to do to increase attractiveness/independence:

 

Exercise.

New Haircut/style

Learn a new language

Keep up with current affairs

Go to parties

Go to art galleries/ museums

Study at night school

 

Does anyone out there have any practical advice or stories on what they actually did to become a better person?

 

Janet,

 

I hesitate to give advice here because you guys are married and have been together for 13 years and I have never experienced anything of this magnitude before.

 

But, it sounds as if you were taking your husband for granted in your relationship. He wanted you to share experiences with him but you pushed him away and made your time together unpleasant.

 

Your husband probably felt lonely and craved the attention of someone who would actually appreciate him and want to spend time with him.

 

The fact that she is 19 and blonde is hard luck to you. It seems that your husband has done well for himself after you rejected him.

 

Im sorry to be harsh Janet but you need to decide if you actually want your husband back. Do you still love him?

 

If you do still love him then you need to apologise to him, beg him for forgiveness and offer to restructure your relationship.

 

You need to work this out first.

[Mun]

I bet the blonde is cute and your ex spoils her. Probably takes her where she wants to go and is happy to do so.

 

I'm sorry to say this but I disagree with some of the advice here. I do agree with the person that said you take up a class and a new hobbie etc. This is exactly what you do. You get a life !

 

A man and anyone for that matter is most interested in someone who has interests of their own. Someone who won't depend on the other for their sole happiness but can spend time away from the other.

 

Most men live to make their woman happy. If you don't agree go read some of the other posts on here. When their woman is happy they are happy. Nagging is unattractive but it comes from giving more than you are getting back-I know I been there.

 

A man that cares about you is going to want to do things YOU like. You should never do this " just sit there being miserable while he is doing something he likes" If you don't like the same things let him go and do his thing with his buddies while you do something you like with yours. Then you should do things together that you both enjoy.

 

Stay attractive- get a make-over, dress pretty and keep your edge.

Love

[Mun]

Girl if things were "so good" why did he leave? I think you overdid it with being the "perfect girlfriend" You were way too accomodating in my opinion. Too much of a good thing is not good..even too much chocolate can give you a stomach ache... did you have a life of your own at all? Did you ever disagree with him?

You have to have an opinion in the relationship. Nice girls don't get the guy. Slightly bitchy girls get the guy, and they get the guy chasing after them like love sick puppies. Why? because they honestly don't need the relationship to define who they are as women. If you don't believe me try going to read some of the posts by men on here. You can be loving while keeping your edge. Keeping your own interests and friends and not having 100% time for him, but taking care of yourself first. You can be a loving girlfriend while still having your own life !

 

The most attractive quality to a man is a woman is isn't NEEDY. She treats herself as a prize and in turn he believes she is a PRIZE. She has her own life and can either live with him or without him. She does not give more than she is getting in the relationship. She is gracious and pleasant but will not tolerate rude or offensive behavior. She values her body and doesn't give it away. She keeps her dignity and her edge-she would rather be alone than lose her dignity- and she stands up for what she believes in. That to me is the perfect woman and one a man CANNOT resist.

Love

[fantasia2004]

bravo

 

muneca

[lisaria]

You are so right muneca. Needy women are such a turn off for guys. Unfortunately we all feel needy at times and when things are not going so well between a man and a woman is one of those times when we do feel needy, we need them very much...but then they don't want to deal with it. Makes you look clingy and God, that's death to any feelings of love they had. We go through cycles or waves as the Mars and Venus guru, John Gray puts it, and they seem to have a hard time with that. Hell, we put up with their bs and their cycles, their moods. But since we're women we're just needy and clingy and we don't have a life w/o them and damn! they're out the door. Oh my. How did I get started on this?

Anyway, yes, we do what we have to and what we enjoy. Find our passion (easier said than done) and move forward. Whatever makes us feel beautiful and good. New haircut, new clothes. New outlook especially.

I'm just rambling today people, sorry about that. But maybe there's something in here that someone can use.

[Spartan1]

The most attractive quality to a man is a woman is isn't NEEDY. She treats herself as a prize and in turn he believes she is a PRIZE. She has her own life and can either live with him or without him. She does not give more than she is getting in the relationship. She is gracious and pleasant but will not tolerate rude or offensive behavior. She values her body and doesn't give it away. She keeps her dignity and her edge-she would rather be alone than lose her dignity- and she stands up for what she believes in. That to me is the perfect woman and one a man CANNOT resist.

 

Muneca and everyone,

 

There are some very good points made by people in these posts. From a man's perspective Muneca's quote above, is what we want up to a point. I would add a word of caution though. Now I am back on the dating scene and in my 30's after a ten year relationship I am much more aware of what I do and don't want in a woman. I am not into the mind games of the younger women anymore, as soon as a woman starts messing with my head and playing the "hard to get" I am out of there. I done all that in my 20's.

 

One thing that I have noticed is starting to get on my nerves a little with the women of today. They are busy. Busy, busy, busy. Career, hobbies, career, kids, hobbies, career again. And when I date them a lot of the time YOU feel like you are being slotted into the very busy diary like an afterthought. I have dated several women who complained about the lack of goodmen. I romanced them, dated for a while and then called it a day, and they ask me why? The reason is, it doesn't matter how pretty they are, how full their life is, what makes that spark is when you make time to date once you got your life back on track.

 

A friend of mine who is dating a woman who he is struggling to understand, especially when she says "I don't want a part time boyfriend" and then in the next sentance says "I can only see you in two weeks time". Work that one out. That is just one recent example. End result, my mate feels like he is "an add on" to her very busy life and will no doubt end it sooner. I hope they work it out, but I have not much hope they will.

 

While it is true that needy women are a turn off, what makes a man chase you is that hint of unavailability - not the unavailability itself. Yes, you are a prize and should be treated as such, romance and all. But don't go OTT, when you meet a new man, make a little space and compromise and you will keep him beyond the first few dates.

 

In short. It is so easy to fill up your life, to have a complete life. But step off the pedal a little when a man you like is in sight. He may well be turned off by the fact, you may never be available except on your terms. The biggest turn off there is.

 

Again, this is only advice. All things in moderation.

 

This does apply to men as well. Myself inparticular. To get over my ex-wife I threw myself into the gym five days a week, cheroc dancing, socialising, learning a new language and other things. I found out from a friend resently that a woman who wanted to date me, though I would not be to interested in her because I seemed to be very busy (which I was, mainly to shut out the loneliness of single life). In many respects I have to keep my life busy but not to busy.

 

All things in moderation, ladies and gentlemen. This is what I am finding anyway.

 

Good luck Kate. You are not alone out there lass, there are tons of us trying to work out the exact same answer to your question and there have been some good advice given in these posts.

[DragonGirl724]

i agree & i am that kinda girl. i only became needy atthe very end b/v i saw him distancing himself. i always had firuends f my own & i was a B*** wen i first met him n i did disagree w/ him on occasions. he sid he needs time to be single b.c he was in a relationship since he was 15 & hes 21 now. neds space 2 breath...

 

waddya think?

 

-DG724

[Mun]

If only men knew how much some of us women obsess over them they would tell us to " get a hobby or something." You have no idea Spartan, but you can get a clue.. read the posts ! We obsess 24-7 we think of new strategies to get them back, we want to cook for them, clean up after them, call them up, get them their favorite stuff and then spend time with them. Or am I wrong here? That's why my advice is to get a life, like I said you can be a loving girlfriend while still having your own interests.

[kate111]

I totally agree with Muneca on this point.

 

Sometimes a girl spends her time trying to make her boyfriend happy and starts to live for "us".

 

This is very boring to men and will turn them off after awhile.

 

I know, I have a tendency myself to start to want to cook and clean and do anything to bring a smile to my man's face.

 

But I want to stop this tendency before it is too late. I joined this forum because my ex cheated on me and ran off with another woman. Now I have a new boyfriend whom I love and I really want to promote a healthy relationship for us. One where I don't give too much. One where I can stay attractive to him and remain independent.

 

But the behaviour of "living for my man" is so ingrained in me that it really is hard to break. How can I unlearn this behaviour?

[Spartan1]

Even couples that do things together all the time split up. Trying to get that balance between doing your own thing and spending time together can be a tough call.

 

He may well tire of the 19 year old blonde and if he does return, you will have new hobbies and interests.

 

Best of luck Janet.

[naimex]

I have no marritual experience so I can´t tell if it will change when I get that far.

 

but up till now, I´ve been happy just sitting in a couch holding a girl I love, or one I am fond of.

 

So yes, being together is the main thing..

 

but you can´t just sit in the couch day and night, its vital to keep doing things together.

 

Whether you think it will be fun or not..

 

(shopping with girls can be such a drag, but if you do it with someone you know very well, and you know they trust you then it becomes great fun).

 

So yes, of course, even if it seems boring, then just go along, it might turn out to be fun..

 

But that just doesnt make it right for your husband to go around with young girls.

 

I mean, if there had been some serious issues between yourself and your husband, then maybe.. but for no reason then it just doesnt make sense..

 

Don´t get me wrong on this, but I so hope the 19 year old girl, turns him down, so he can see what a fool he has been.

 

 

13 years is a long time... There must be a lot of great memories, and deep emotions there.

 

So I would say if you are willing to forgive him for this, then wait a month or so, before you start going out with other men.

 

If you have no intentions of forgiving him, then don´t bother waiting.

 

Just wanted to give you my honest opinion on it.

 

Of course I wish you all the best of luck, in whichever you decide to do.