Caught Girlfriend Hiding her relationship with a coworker.

[tshop]

I have been dating this girl for 10months.

I have known her for 8 years before our relationship and the timing was right.

 

I know her past etc as we were close friends.

 

She works long hours and has guy friends at work no big deal.

 

About 3 months into our relationship a text message came on her phone from a coworker saying "Meetings went well.. with you here"

 

Now I brought it up to her and she was just like a wall so I said you know what I trust you I don't need to know who it is its ok lets forget about it.

 

6 months into our relationship the same number which was unsaved came up again "How is my angel doing"

 

this time I got the info from her it is a coworker who she is friends with who is flirty like that I said its shady and if he is a friend why isn't his number saved etc.

Her explanation was that because she only talks to him when she has work questions and that she told him he cant do that

 

present time 10 months into our relationship I was helping her reduce her cell phone bill online. well there is the number again they have been having hr+ talks almost every day at different times of the day.. I lost it my heart dropped. things started to add up the times she was on the phone when i tried calling her lying about who it was, her recent putting her phone on vibrate all because of these calls with this kid. she said they always talk about relationship problems etc. but the amount of time and length of these conversations is very disturbing to me and how she was able to hide it.

 

I called the number and had an hour long talk with the person... nice guy married her coworker he has to hide this from his wife because she is uneasy about him talking to another girl and his explanation was that he does not have any friends that are women who are like a neutral party and my girlfriend helps him out with advice... even came out that sometimes they would grab coffee etc after work..

 

He told me not to make a big deal out of this as he knows I want to be with this girl and its not worth throwing it away as this is nothing but a friendship. he told me about some things they talk about and how he is usually on my side when she comes to him.

 

Long story short I feel betrayed and lied to, I do not think she is cheating on me as I know her past but at the same time something so simple as a friend at work should not be hidden like that. I am very honest and layed back she is allowed to have friends.

 

She was in a abusive relationship before me and had to hide everything from the person even if it was harmless. She says she is stuck in that way and she realizes that she is wrong etc... she promised to try to be more open about it.

 

At this point I do not know what to think, hours on end she talked to this person for days in a row and for months at a time.. I do not get how you can talk to someone for that long about stuff. Maybe it is as harmless as she says and he was man enough to explain the situation and even give me fill me in on some things that were bothering her.

 

I am shattered.. I hate being lied too but at the same time I accepted her apology and the situation makes sense given her past.. but the sheer amount of time she spends talking to this other guy makes me feel uneasy and like I am competing which I am not interested in.. today I told her.. I understand the situation I accept her apology but she needs to know that i will need time to get over this and I might act weird and she needs to accept that. she says she wants to be with me

 

I am haunted by this, everyday from now on I am gonna think.. is she on the phone with him.. is she going to see him.. all because her hiding it makes me feel like something more is going on.. I have a lot of stress at this current moment. been laid off lost my friends lost my house.. losing the love of my life..

 

I do not have anyone to talk to or vent to, and I know all signs point to something more serious with those 2 but I believe her and he sounded like a sincere person he is older married with kids. I am 27 girfriend is 25 dude is like 35

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

[HeartGoesOn]

If this is only a friendship, why is she hiding this from you, and why is the guy hiding this from his wife? This does not add up.

 

When two people are in a healthy and honest relationship, there is no need to hide anything.

[Sanesoul]

I am sorry you are going through this. What your GF and this guy are doing is inappropriate. Calling her his "angel". If she was his daughter or GF maybe, not a friend.

 

I don't care what your girlfriend has been through in her past, it was wrong for her to hide this from you. If she hasn't gotten over her past relationships, then she needs to be alone to figure herself out.

 

I find this situation very bothersome, and just because he is married and has children in no way means that he doesn't have designs on your girl.

[tshop]

If this is only a friendship, why is she hiding this from you, and why is the guy hiding this from his wife? This does not add up.

 

When two people are in a healthy and honest relationship, there is no need to hide anything.

 

Joss, they work in a call center talking and are unable to communicate its a huge place they may not sit together anymore as they have been moved around.

 

Heart: I think the same way, only explanation is because of her traumatic past relationship and how she had to hide everything

 

he hides it from his wife because she is uneasy about it also. his wife doesn't feel like he should have any communications with other females.

[tshop]

I am sorry you are going through this. What your GF and this guy are doing is inappropriate. Calling her his "angel". If she was his daughter or GF maybe, not a friend.

 

I don't care what your girlfriend has been through in her past, it was wrong for her to hide this from you. If she hasn't gotten over her past relationships, then she needs to be alone to figure herself out.

 

I find this situation very bothersome, and just because he is married and has children in no way means that he doesn't have designs on your girl.

 

Your right.. the problem is me... I dont want to just end it if everything they say is true as this is the first relationship that I saw going anywhere and I don't want to make the mistake of doing something I will regret.. yea there are others out there for me but with everything else going on in my life im at my witts end and I cant picture picking up all the pieces and trying to start everything over again... she has no friends because of her x and has noone to talk to, this guy seems to be there for her as a neutral party and has even told her shes in the wrong with things.. my girlfriends though process does not make sense..

[shessofly]

this guy is a married man. if he has to hide the alleged friendship from his wife and she is hiding the alleged friendship from you, then the relationship is inappropriate. and wow i'd be p.o.'d if i found out my husband was taking our relationship problems to another woman. this is how many affairs start. his marital status, number of kids and age will not be a hindrance.

 

do not make excuses for her because of her abusive past. her deception has caused a major trust issue with you and i would feel the same way. something is not right there.

 

what was your conversation regarding the ongoing status of this relationship she has going with this guy? has the wife been let in on the platonic relationship? i'm sorry, but whenever someone has to hide another person from their SO, somethin just ain't right. he can get advice from a counselor, not your gf. shady, shady, shady...

[shessofly]

and i'm sorry, but don't be so trusting of what he says. first off, he's lying to his wife about communicating with your girlfriend. you don't know what the true content of their conversations are. he's not gonna sit on the phone telling you how sexy he thinks she is, etc.

 

you seem like a really nice guy and i truly hope you are not being played.

 

your trust has been been broken. some sort of confrontation/change must take place if she wants to get it back. you will not have peace of mind as long as you continue to try to ignore it.

[tshop]

It is shady.. and yes I always make excuses for her.. and yes he admitted to telling his wife etc as I am sure she found out because he had to start using his work number to call my girlfriend.

 

her explanation was just that she talks about us his problems work stuff and just random other things.. and how he sticks up for me when shes in the wrong etc..

 

His was that they are just friends and shes an ear for him and vice versa

[Taikero]

I could see him hiding the relationship from his wife maybe, depending on what she's like, but your girl hiding this from you is just...there's no reason to if it is what she says.

 

I'd be paranoid too. Very, very paranoid. History or not, that is no excuse to hide this type of relationship, especially this long. It could possibly be older than your relationship, who knows? Maybe at some point in the past they fooled around, maybe before you two got together?

 

Hate to fuel the fires of doubt, but how can you trust her if she was willing to keep this from you for so long?

[tshop]

I could see him hiding the relationship from his wife maybe, depending on what she's like, but your girl hiding this from you is just...there's no reason to if it is what she says.

 

I'd be paranoid too. Very, very paranoid. History or not, that is no excuse to hide this type of relationship, especially this long. It could possibly be older than your relationship, who knows? Maybe at some point in the past they fooled around, maybe before you two got together?

 

Hate to fuel the fires of doubt, but how can you trust her if she was willing to keep this from you for so long?

 

Your right, I spoke with her friend/previous coworker who at the 6month mark I talked about what happeend.. she explained the guys creepy and that they talk alot but how she would never even if she was single do anything with him..

 

I am having a hard time with trust and all the while My gut was telling me something was up..

[Sanesoul]

It is shady.. and yes I always make excuses for her.. and yes he admitted to telling his wife etc as I am sure she found out because he had to start using his work number to call my girlfriend.

 

her explanation was just that she talks about us his problems work stuff and just random other things.. and how he sticks up for me when shes in the wrong etc..

His was that they are just friends and shes an ear for him and vice versa

 

This is placating. She's trying to make you like the idea.

[jul-els]

If what she was doing is what she said then there's nothing wrong with that in and of itself. What's wrong is her need to hide it from you. That's not what an open, honest, trusting relationship is about. She has some emotional attachment to this guy at least or she wouldn't have a problem telling you about it and she wouldn't be spending the amount of time she is with him. She knows it's not right and that's why she was hiding it.

[tshop]

This is placating. She's trying to make you like the idea.

 

this is eating me up.. I know I should just walk away.. I am responding to your advice with some more info so you could get a better feel about things not to make excuses.. I am torn over this and everything you are saying makes sense and I have thought of but for some reason im still around

[shessofly]

have you been totally honest with her about your feelings regarding this? if so, what has she said? really i think it's inappropriate and very disrespectful to you and this guy's wife.

 

if I were in her shoes i would like to think that even if it's platonic, if it were bothering some guys wife i would step back. but - i tend to purposefully not form friendships with married men. there's no interest there anyway, but out of respect for their family i just wouldn't go there. i just don't believe in playing with fire when in a relationship AT ALL.

[Sanesoul]

this is eating me up.. I know I should just walk away.. I am responding to your advice with some more info so you could get a better feel about things not to make excuses.. I am torn over this and everything you are saying makes sense and I have thought of but for some reason im still around

 

Have you talked to her about how this is making you feel? If I were her and wanted to prove to you that I am trustworthy, I would tell the guy to stop contacting me outside of work.

 

A loving relationship is not worth risking just to keep this guy to talk to (if that's all it is). She can get a therapist for that.

[tshop]

Have you talked to her about how this is making you feel? If I were her and wanted to prove to you that I am trustworthy, I would tell the guy to stop contacting me outside of work.

 

A loving relationship is not worth risking just to keep this guy to talk to (if that's all it is). She can get a therapist for that.

 

I have... I did not tell her to stop etc as I believe in having friends etc and I dont want to be controlling. but i did tell her if shes not open anymore and if something happens like this again im leaving. that should be enough.. I offered to go get help with her but she said shes working on it by herself

[AlwayzRight]

Tell her you are not comfortable with all the talking, texting and would like it to stop. If she cares about your relationship at all she will stop. I had something very familiar happen with me and next thing you know she is breaking up with me and instantly dating this "work friend" who always talked to her about his relationship issues.

 

Personally, I do not know many guys who call girls just to "talk" to them. The ones I know who call and talk to girls on a consistant basis are trying to get in thier pants.

[tshop]

Tell her you are not comfortable with all the talking, texting and would like it to stop. If she cares about your relationship at all she will stop. I had something very familiar happen with me and next thing you know she is breaking up with me and instantly dating this "work friend" who always talked to her about his relationship issues.

 

Personally, I do not know many guys who call girls just to "talk" to them. The ones I know who call and talk to girls on a consistant basis are trying to get in thier pants.

 

Problem is she hid it for months how am I going to know it stopped?

[Taikero]

Problem is she hid it for months how am I going to know it stopped?

 

You won't. She'll probably just get better at hiding it if she wants to continue it with you unawares. Not saying she will, but if she did, then....

 

Maybe she'll have him buy her a new phone so her main cellphone bill doesn't show their conversations. He could just pay in cash on the plan so his wife doesn't know a thing about it.

 

That's just the easy first step of making things harder to catch. I'm sure there's a few more ways they could come up with to make it even harder to tell it's still going on.

[jul-els]

Problem is she hid it for months how am I going to know it stopped?

 

You just have to trust her. If you can't, you might want to think about whether or not it's the kind of situation that you deserve to be in.

[tshop]

You won't. She'll probably just get better at hiding it if she wants to continue it with you unawares. Not saying she will, but if she did, then....

 

Maybe she'll have him buy her a new phone so her main cellphone bill doesn't show their conversations. He could just pay in cash on the plan so his wife doesn't know a thing about it.

 

That's just the easy first step of making things harder to catch. I'm sure there's a few more ways they could come up with to make it even harder to tell it's still going on.

 

I doubt it. at that point its easier to part with me..

[tshop]

I have so many unanswered questions with this situation and yes things do not add up!

 

I think this guy calls her talks about work, issues with wife, her issues with me, random stupid crap and then that's it, when shes pissed she goes to him as he apparently gives good advice as hes older married etc.. kind of makes sense..

 

Hiding it from me big NO NO, its hard to talk to her about it because she gets annoyed and gets this stupid smirk like I don't know what i'm talking about. and gets mad because I repeat stuff over and over..

 

I guess its because she knows there is nothing between them and she doesn't understand why I am making a big deal out of it.

 

Or it could be there is some sort of connection there but shes white, according to the person I know that works there hes 35-40 black married with kids very unattractive. its almost like she wants me to break it off with her because she wont

 

I am so confused with what my next action should be its like she is on the line never crossing it and never on the right side so I never know the right course of action.. I wish she would just say like yea I like him or yea I cheated so I can be like Yea goodbye.. but its not like that I ask her if im the one she wants etc and shes like yes

 

ugh I wish I had the balls to just get up and be like yea somethings going on and yea im leaving and leave her by herself but I dont

[tshop]

I am going to prepare a letter, a well thought out one with it including your questions etc as there are so many different angles about this.. and I cannot cover them all.

I do not know if I will be seeing her at all today, but I am hoping to be around when she reads it..

[lavenderdove]

Ok, if she has a traumatic past where she feels the need to have these kind of constant one hour conversations about relationships etc., then she needs therapy. This guy is not a therapist, and it is unhealthy to form these kinds of co-dependent relationships, where he complains about his relationships and she complains about hers. If there are problems in your relationship, you should be talking to your partner to resolve the problem, or to a licensed counselor/therapist, not to some third party outsider.

 

So they are each triangulating another person into their relationship. If they always run to each other with issues, then they are not actually resolving them in their relationships.

 

You need to tell her that if she has problems with you, then she needs to talk to you about those problems rather than talking with him, so that the two of you can resolve them. And if she is talking about her past trauma, she needs to do that with a licensed professional, not some random guy. These kinds of secret emotional affairs, even if they don't get physical, are harmful to everybody, you, his wife, even them! It is not helping, no matter what she thinks, to form an extreme dependency on a married guy rather than working out her problems with your or a professional.

 

I think you need to address it head on, and tell her it makes you feel terrible that she is airing your problems with another guy rather than addressing them with you. She shouldn't be talking about your problems with anybody but you or a counselor. And if she is that dependent on him, then what she really needs is a counselor so that she can make progress on her issues, not just talk about them endlessly.

 

So I would try to help her see that this behavior is not healthy, and is destructive to both your relatiionships. I know that marriage counselors would NOT recommend this kind of deep bonding between a married man and a single woman, regardless of whether they have sex or not. And the fact that they basically hide it most of the time shows how the behavior is too much and out of control. It is OK for her to be *friends* with all kinds of people, but spending an hour or more every day in deep personal discussions about relationships etc. is not appropriate.

[tshop]

Very well said.. I am also guilty of going to my close friends for advice as going to her always gets twisted around and I think I am always in the wrong. It is very hard to communicate with her and when I do and its all done I always feel like I have not said everything I wanted to. I recommended that we go to therapy but she does not want to even if she went by herself she says im working on it on my own. its crazy he knows her schedule so he knows when its safe to call etc as he is or was her supervisor.