About to break up

[gemmy]

Okay, I'm totally new to this forum for obvious reasons. I'm going through a break up. It isn't the first time with this guy, but i think it's the last time. I love him dearly. I consider him my best friend. We've been together for almost 3 years. We broke up last year b/c of his own issues (new job, new people, needed a break). Obviously I was very hurt. I fell into a deep depression, but got out of it. Once I was better, he called and we decided we would get back together. the boy was miserable without me. and i without him. It's been a year since the break up, and I still have had a lot of trust issues.....which is to be expected. But my trust issues and insecurities have ruined the relationship (ie. snooping, questioning, etc). He has become fed up with my antics and we are not on speaking terms. Our relationship is hanging by a thread basically. I know that the next time we speak, he will break up with me. I have already started preparing myself for it. Going through the whole support system and dealing with the pain and saddness. I don't want it to end and I know that even if he does, he will again come running back. I don't want a repeat of last year. Any advice, please help. In the meantime, I have prepared myself to be strong.

[DopeStar]

if you have trust issues and he is not helping you through them, you shoudl run. i had the same thing, 4.5 years, lack of trust(on my side) turned out she was cheating. all i had left was the pride that she almost ruined(the town we lived in knew before i did and thats how i found out, i looked a bit foolish you could say) so i took my pride and kicked her dirty self to the curb. i didnt want it to end either but it had to i was not happy i dont think she was either and she was abusing the love i had for her. so its over its been only a few days but im already feeling better. if things are bad move on, or as one of my coworkers said to me yesterday(it was about women but im sure it can go both ways) dont chase them, replace them. i know sounds like a playa term but whatever its true if you have to chase someone now, you will be chasing them later and be chasing them forever. id rather be found or caught off guard by my next GF, you know id like to slip into someone not have to go hunting for them, Relationships are suppose to be happy and fun not tiresome or stressful.

[gemmy]

yea, but he was trying to help me through them. i know exactly what i should have done, but i didn't do it. i did the complete opposite. now i'm stuck in this horrible place. alone.

[AB38]

Gemmy:

 

First of all, welcome. If you are having trust issues, that is poison to a relationship. Trust me, I know. True love comes from trust, compassion and understanding.

 

However, if you two can work things out, work on trusting him. Knowing that he is with you for a reason.

 

If he does break up, be cool about it. Don't break down. Don't call him afterwards. Take the time to work on yourself so you won't make the same mistakes again. If you do that for yourself, he will see it and notice the change in you. And perhaps the next time around, your relationship will be stronger for it.

 

If not, learn from your mistakes, and I promise you that your next relationship be much healthier and happier.

 

Hope this helps.

[Realdeal40]

Got a question, what beneath the surface is leading to your insecurities? Did he date someone else? I understand if it's because you expect to be dumped again; once it happens once, the warning signs go off like crazy whenever it could happen again. I got dumped countless times (allegedly) by my ex-gf until in March she left and hasn't come back. Everytime that she became stand-offish and showed little interest in actually spending time with me, I became VERY aware of what was going to happen next. Unfortunately, I didn't act until it happened. And usually she would call the next day or so, and we'd be together on the weekends. But this only lasted for so long; we didn't fix what was at the root of our problems. You still have time to do this. Acknowledge what is truly to blame for all your insecurities and his as well. If you can work through them with communication and understanding, you should be able to get a better hold of your relationship. Trust me, it's not easy and will take a lot of work. But you can do it! Believe in yourself! I hope this helps a little.

 

RD40

[DopeStar]

well bottom line the situation. do you think you and him can work things out and continue happily through life? or do think there will still be this trust issue and the snooping(dont snoop it wont make you feel better, i know ive done it) you need to figure out what you want and i know your thinking "I want him" but do you really? step back and look at your situation, are you really where you want to be? are you sure? I thought i was but it turns out i wasnt. I was not getting what i needed, what i wanted or what i deserved, are you? and trust issues are poison to a relationship and i dont know what to tell you to help you get over that.

[gemmy]

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, he dated someone else. and he has a lot of friends that are girls. that i felt were more than just friends.

[gemmy]

Well, thank you very much for the advice. It has become very clear to me over the past few weeks, exactly what I did to contaminate this relationship. (My mother is a marriage counselor). I have done the damage by snooping and accusing, and now I am in this bad place with him. All I can do now is pray that he believes this can work and wants it to. Right now, I think he has had it and will be giving up. Since he has not called or emailed, I am sure he has made his mind up. However, since I haven't heard the verdict yet, I will carry with me some hope, even if it is just a little. pray for me! and thanks again.

[densil]

gemmy,

 

If I were in your position I would tell him how you feel. I mean if you think that you have discovered whats "wrong" with you then I would be honest and tell him absolutely everything. I mean, are you just going to sit by and let the inevitable happen?

 

However, I am certainly no expert on relationships. Although thats what I would do

 

Regards,

 

Steve

[Nooxie]

well bottom line the situation. do you think you and him can work things out and continue happily through life? or do think there will still be this trust issue and the snooping(dont snoop it wont make you feel better, i know ive done it) you need to figure out what you want and i know your thinking "I want him" but do you really? step back and look at your situation, are you really where you want to be? are you sure? I thought i was but it turns out i wasnt. I was not getting what i needed, what i wanted or what i deserved, are you? and trust issues are poison to a relationship and i dont know what to tell you to help you get over that.

 

I am going through the same thing Gemmy. Thing is, I'm sure you probably have your insecurities or what not (everyone does). I had the same insecurities, but I look back now, and finally realized that it was HIM who was causing me to be insecure, by the way he treated me, talked to me, and neglected me. I fought with myself, and told myself that it was I who was insecure.. He even tried to work through my insecurities, but never realized that HE also needed to change in order for me to feel secure.. Trust me Gemmy, every girl has insecurities...but don't let this guy convince you that you are some mental "low self esteem" case Gemmy, cause YOUR NOT! There is something that he's done to make you this way, and you need realize that.

 

Now, stop worrying about him, and think about you... and what DopeStar says, "Do you think you can work things out, and continue happily through life?" Are you going to live the rest of your life snooping around, and stressing out about this guy? That's not good Gemmy! I did, and I was miserable...and I even managed to make myself physically sick! It was horrible!

 

Now that I'm done (although it's hard), MY CONFIDENCE & SELF ESTEEM HAS SKY ROCKETED WITHOUT HIM!

 

That pretty much confirmed, that it WAS him who was making me insecure about the relationship, myself, and everything I ever did.

[Realdeal40]

It's never a good sign when they begin to see other people so soon, because that means that he's still dealing with problems w/your relationship and is now involving a third party, which carries problems of their own. It's almost like a distraction, but only one for him...and it hurts you tremendously because it shows that he didn't value your relationship or take the time to evaluate it fully while being alone. How was your communication left off? Did you initate NC or did he? If you did, definitely continue if for anything to help you move on. Even if he did, don't sit around waiting for him to call...because honestly that call might never come, or when it does it will be too late and you would have wasted precious time for nothing. As hard as it is to imagine, it's important to continue living your life, but put yourself to the forefront. Treat yourself like a queen; and keep active. I know everyone says that, and it's hard for me to even say that because I'm not the most social person right now. But it gets a little better each day. I'm at the point where I don't expect anything....whatever happens will happen, and this is all happening for a reason. Five years from now, this could be the best thing that ever happened. But of course right now, who wants to wait that long? Think about this though...when you look back on things and you're in a much better place, with a much better person (if it's him or another), it'll be much sweeter and something you can cherish. Because you would have opened yourself up to love, and taken a more pro-active role in your relationship. You fought for it, and you won. You will win, just give it time. You can't rush a good thing. I hope this helps, take care.

 

RD40

[gemmy]

he claims this girl is just a friend. i think he definitely needs to have friends that are girls. it's just not healthy to control someone's circle of friends. anyway, i think i should clarify....we haven't officially broken up. he said he is not sure if he wants to work on things and we haven't spoken in a week. he called both of my phone lines yesterday, but didn't leave a message. i didn't call him back and won't either. i just don't know what to say yet. i always always follow the NC rule. Never do i cave in either. i just have toooo much pride and dignity to do that! I'm feeling okay though. I have just started hanging out with some new friends and that takes my mind off of it all.