Could my parents have helped me lead to self hatred?

[Shinobie]

Ok my mom has had many problems with men all of her life and she has gained a slight taste for male hatred over the years.She was mentally abused and physically abused by her first husband which isnt really too much of her fault for that but what about pushing it on me.All my life i have heard my mom talking about males in bad ways every since i was really young saying that many men are scumbags who are just assholes.Could this have led me too self-hatred, low self esteem,and low confidence?It has led me too not thinking like anormal guy letting my hormones go crazy and act liek a total moron because thats what my mom thought was totally stupid.Could this all have led to me feeling like i am inferior because i dont feel like i act like a normal man and seems like im a whole lot different then the rest of my friends and stuff.But there werre many other facotrs effecting me.

[vitalcoaching]

Hi Shinobie,

 

Sure, it can influence. The way your parents look at you or react in specific life situations will greatly impact the way you feel. Now, it would be too easy to simply blame someone else for what you feel.

 

When you become a teenager, you discover your own set of values and identity. That's the time you start thinking for yourself and build your character.

 

When you do this, you free yourself from mind patterns you no longer want or need and develop a refreshed and empowered emotional foundation. That's the vehicle you will use for the rest of your life.

 

For instance, if you identify a thought like: "men are scumbags" and you realise you disagree, you can consciously create a new "belief" which is based on what YOU feel... For instance: "I am a man and I love it!"

 

It is okay to be a bit rebelious. Rebelious means you don't accept your mother's belief as the truth. It's okay to say something like: "Look, I am sorry you had this experience with guys, but the truth is that guys are great. You had the misfortune of meeting the wrong ones. I am sorry about it. I am a man and I feel great about it..." When you speak that way, you free yourself from these limiting beliefs and establish your own unique identity.

 

You can do that and still be 100% respecftul.

 

Does this make sense?

 

Feel free to stay in touch

 

vitalcoach

[mahlina]

Hi Shinobie,

 

I know what you mean about parents influencing your self-esteem. My mother's the same way with me too. Except, our cases are different in a sense that she doesn't bash me for men or anything like that, but rather, she says things that keep my self-esteem down.

 

I know what you mean. Some parents can be overly critical about their children. My mom's one of them. My stepdad's trying to help her to mellow out though. If my dad were alive, I think he wouldn't allow my mom to talk to me the way that she does sometimes.

 

I understand where you're coming from. It's like whatever we do, nothing's ever good enough. Even if we bring home straight A's, they don't reward us. Instead, my mom will be like, "And?" It's more of a given that we're supposed to 'be' a 'certain' way. I guess, in some cultures, teaching your kids to be 'submissive' or 'inferior' is the way to be. It's their intentions in teaching their children how to be 'humble,' but I truly think that it tears down a person's self-esteem. I think that your mother and my mother, both have good intentions. They just don't know how to express things right. Perhaps, it could be culture shock, or generation shock. I know that paddling/spanking were acceptable back then, but now, there's different ways of teaching kids now. That's what I mean by 'generation' shock.

 

I think that your mom's just trying to teach you how to 'treat women right' by trying to break down your self-confidence. I don't think that it's right to the point in which you feel like you're doubting yourself. My best advice is to:

1. Realize that your mother loves you.

2. Even if she doesn't know how to communicate with your a certain way, her intentions are to bring you up in a way that she wants to 'mold' and 'control' you a certain way.

3. Grow a thick skin.

4. Listen to yourself- tell yourself that she can't control you.

 

My mother is really hard on me. She shows me nothing but tough love. We've never really had the emotional type bond. We do, but it's more like unspoken words. I've been through a ton of -ish in my life, and trust me, I've been pretty ressistant to what she tells me, because my experiences taught a lot about who I am, and what I stand for.

 

So really listen to yourself. Ask yourself: who am I? Am I really that person that mother says I am? No! I'm not! I'm stronger than that!

 

Parents have major influence in how we view ourselves, but, the most important thing is to realize: HOW WE FEEL ABOUT OURSELVES. Don't listen to your mom's harsh words K? Listen to yourself. Look at your past experiences, reflect on it, and remind yourself of who you are. Look at her words and negativity as something that will actually make you STRONGER! Learn how to adapt a "No she's WRONG" kinda attitude. Prove her wrong. Don't let her negativity pull you down, because you know that her intentions are to teach you, and they aren't true. Please realize this for yourself okay?

 

I know how it feels. Things will get better when you go to college, and get to know yourself more. By then, your mind is idependent enough, to know that whatever she says about you is NOT TRUE! Take care. I know that you won't let her get you down. You're better than that! Love her, but don't listen to those harsh words. Build up immunity to it! Have faith in yourself k? I know you do. Otherwise, you wouldn't post here, right? Hang in there!

 

Mahlina