What is Wrong with my ex? Is she nuts?

[werecat]

She makes me so frustrated!!

 

We dated each other for 3 months over a year ago. She dumped me for some other guy and we haven't talked for like a year and a half now. Suddenly she appears and asks for me back.

 

She says she is sorry for what she did and said she misses me and that it was hard for her to let go. She said that she wants to be with me so bad. I told her that she really hurt me in the past so I didn't know what I wanted.

 

She seemed to be okay with this and said she wanted to be friends with me. I later agreed to try being her boyfriend again. I started talking intimately with her (sexually and none sexually) and then for some reason she backed away. She said maybe she just wants to be friends before we decide anything to serious. She said I was going too fast. She said that she wanted us to work as a couple but she needed to warm up again. Ugh! she should be happy I said yes to her asking me if I wanted to be her bf!

 

So, that really hurt. It's like she can never make up her damn mind. She tried talking to me later the next day and told me she wanted to ask me something. I didn't answer her. I felt hurt. She tried all day to talk..she kept initiating contact but I ignored her. I wanted her to apologize for hurting me again.

 

She eventually gave up trying to talk to me and blocked and deleted me. We had plans for a date next week and everything. I feel so hurt now, and used by her. What a

[abitbroken]

Well - firstly - she is right to say maybe its too fast for immediate sexual talk. Maybe she just felt like a booty call if you quickly went in that mode and got annoyed. But I do think that if she only dated you for three months, and dumped you, you really didn't have enough of a relationship for her to "miss" you so bad - maybe she regretted the other guy, etc, and felt she made a mistake which is possible - but that's beside the point at the moment.

 

Also, you wanted her to apologize - yet you ignored her all day long - then how was she supposed to do that? She didn't "hurt you" unless you were talking about last year. She merely told you that you were moving too fast and if that is hurtful, then I think you are equally culpable for this situation. It is never "wrong" to get reacquainted. You probably spent the first couple weeks of first meeting that way, no? If she really was sorry she dumped you and didn't want to make the same mistakes, she probably wanted to establish good communication first. Oh - yeah - you also initially said you didn't know what you wanted so she offered to be friends first again. And she just merely reinforced it.

 

So - I really think that this girl can't do anything to please you. yes, maybe its not that hot to come back to you after dating someone else but you were being just as difficult to her.

[DN]

I think you should move on. First she says she wants you back and then she says 'only friends blah blah."

 

I suspect she wanted someone to want her and you were the first person to spring to mind. Then she thought she could play with you until someone else came along.

[werecat]

Grow up how? She can't just come walking into my life and hurting me again. It's been so long and I thought I finally got over her.

 

Then she butters me up and makes me want to be with her, then backs away and sticks me into the friends zone. It just really hurts. I'm mad because it's like the same heartbreak all over again. I don't want to wait around to see if this pulls through. I agreed to being with her after she seemed to sincerely want me back and now she's tossing me again just because I didn't want to be friends?

 

It's just so frustrating.

[DaveTrump]

Sorry but that kind of attitude would have just reminded her why it failed 1st time around.

[abitbroken]

Grow up how? She can't just come walking into my life and hurting me again. It's been so long and I thought I finally got over her.

 

Then she butters me up and makes me want to be with her, then backs away and sticks me into the friends zone. It just really hurts. I'm mad because it's like the same heartbreak all over again. I don't want to wait around to see if this pulls through. I agreed to being with her after she seemed to sincerely want me back and now she's tossing me again just because I didn't want to be friends?

 

It's just so frustrating.

 

Wait a minute - she agreed to be friends because you didn't know what you wanted, then suddenly you are okay being her boyfriend, but yet she is tossing you aside because you didn't want to be friends? I don't think she really didn't want you to NOT be her bf - you were just moving too quickly - You know - when someone is a boyfriend/girlfriend they do things to reestablsh the relationship like going out on some DATES, including her at events where friends are, and after awhile, going in and kissing her at a romantic moment - ALL before you just "start talking intimately with her on the phone". I am sure that if you did take things one step at a time as a boyfriend she would have been more onboard

 

I don't think she came to "hurt" you - she was being honest that you were moving way too fast. remember we can only go by what you are telling us - she's not here. But I don't think that it was just that she hurt you - i think you both hurt eachother a bit

[werecat]

Well I forgave her for dumping me for that other dude. I was willing to be her boyfriend and she is now picking at how fast I am moving...it just hurts.

It's like she gets to decide everything.

What should I do? Do I apologize to her now? Or should I just move on again...

[mgirl]

Once bitten, twice shy... Do you really want to go through that again?

 

You've been given a taste of how it is likely to be with her, run!

[foxbat74]

If you feel you want to be with this woman - call her and just explain that you were in a bad mood (whatever works)

If you feel she is toxic for you - move on.

The point I tried to make - in our modern society the attitude like "I forgave her, she should be happy" and so on just doesn't work. If you feel she owes you something you will always demand something subliminaly from her eventually forcing her to leave.

[werecat]

If you feel you want to be with this woman - call her and just explain that you were in a bad mood (whatever works)

If you feel she is toxic for you - move on.

The point I tried to make - in our modern society the attitude like "I forgave her, she should be happy" and so on just doesn't work. If you feel she owes you something you will always demand something subliminaly from her eventually forcing her to leave.

 

yeah well i do deserve a lot from her. she put me through a lot. she should make up for what she did ...it's like she isn't even trying. It's like she just sits there and doesn't have to do any work at all and yet here I am in torture over her.

 

Maybe I did force her to leave. But to block and delete me...when she made a date with me is just so immature of her. I'm not going to lie, she was polite with me, she hasn't actually said anything hurtful and maybe I was moving too fast. She did tell me to slow down twice and I didn't listen but still.... It's just the way she handled the situation. That's what hurt.

 

She said "I just want to be friends first, seriously"

I said "I don't want to be friends, I don't even care about this anymore."

she said "That's too bad. I think it would have been fun going to get sushi"

I said "It would have been but don't expect anything out of this anymore"

She said "Why?"

 

That's when I stopped answering her. Then she kept asking me if the date was still on. Then I was actually thinking of saying something ..but she blocked and deleted me.

 

I just feel heartbroken. I should move on. Serves her right.

[TearsofFate]

Just chill out. She's not going to like that you are being all sexual around her. Like you guys just met after a whole year and a half.

Then she had the guts to contact you. It takes the dumper a lot of guts to do this sometimes. To apologize and ask for forgiveness isn't easy. As a dumper I know this. I have put off apologies for months just because I was afraid of saying the wrong thing or rejection.

 

You forgave her...which is good and then you moved WAY to fast. It's not a good idea to move into sexual things so quickly. Are you sure that's not why she left you last time? Some girls need time to warm up and she clearly stated that to you. Things probably would have been fine if you treated her with respect and didn't expect anything out of her.

 

You told her you weren't interested anymore either?

 

That's why she blocked you because she WAS interested in you. She got the big dose of rejection she was fearing. You turned her down after she apologized and was kind to you. You should have just took it slowly.

 

You might still have a chance. Just call her or email her or w/e like another poster said and tell her you are sorry and want to take things slowly because you care about her feelings. Tell her you want to go on the date, take things slowly, and are willing to be friends but are definitely still interested in a relationship too. Tell her you want to make it work. Tell her you will slow down to whatever speed she needs and are looking forward to the sushi date!

 

Sushi is so yummy...you should still go! It will probably work out. Just give it time.

 

In all honesty it sounds like you haven't forgiven her at all. You sound angry....like uber angry. You need to just calm down. Getting mad is going to make her feel like all her efforts of being "kind" as you put it, feel like they were in vein. Like it seriously sounded like she was going to try being your girlfriend.

[DN]

The fact is that when a dumper wants a second chance they don't get to dictate the terms of the reconciliation - especially by demanding that the couple be friends first. Plus, they really do need to take account of the dumpees wounded feelings.

 

In this case I think she was demanding too much and acting as if you were the one who dumped her. And I also strongly distrust her motives. You were together for three months eighteen months ago and now all of a sudden she misses you and wants to be with you so bad? And then she acts all hissy-fit because she doesn't get her way when she starts making conditions and demands.

 

Move on. You don't owe her anything, especially an apology.

[werecat]

Okay, I actually just talked to her. She re-added me for some reason.

 

This is how the conversation went.

 

Her: Do you have a cell or something so we can talk on the phone? =)

Me: Yeah we can talk sometime if you want.

(Talked about random stuff)

Me: (I say something sexual to her)

Her: You talk about that a lot

Me: So are you going to stop talking to me for over a year just because I said something sexual?

Her: No, I will be your friend. I don't mind. Not friends with benefits though.

Me: Well I don't want that either.

Her: It just seems like no matter how many times I tell you I just want to be friends you don't want to. Your always talking about sexual things. Did you mean it when you said that you don't care about us working out anymore?

Me: We'll have to find out.

Her: Do you even still want to meet up for the date?

Me: Of course

Her: Okay, well that's good.

Me: I'm just a sexual guy is all.

Her: Well I'm different. I don't get sexually active whenever I want there has to be love there. There has to be feelings. Which is why I am not horny around you. It died. I was either expecting a rejection from you out of this or something special. Not something in between.

Me: Fine it's rejection then. I'm rejecting you.

Her: Mkay thought so.

Me: I didn't want it to be, your so insecure, you can't even risk it. After all you've done to me you still pull something like this off.

Her: Pull what off? You mean not being horny enough for you? Big whoop. It's not like I can help it. I only get like that when there is love on both sides.

Me: K I can't talk about this. You expect me to love you right away.

Her: No, which is why I wanted to date you first and NOT engage in sexual activities.

Me: K fine, just stop, I am crying right now, just drop it.

Her: Why are you crying?

Me: You frustrate me so much, I can't deal with you right now.

Her: Yeah I'm not ready for this, I seem to always hurt you. I'm not demanding feelings. That doesn't even make sense. I said I just want to wait and see if there are feelings. Like what is wrong with that.

Me: I need to go jerk off to calm down.

Me: You are so pessimistic about us working out.

Her: Well you are making me go through the same heartbreak as before at this point.

Me: you went through heartbreak?

Her: Yeah I cried because I sent you the apology to see if we could work out. I can't believe what a mistake this was.

Me: I'm going to bed, talk to me when you get a hold of yourself.

(Left her)

 

So, yeah! I tried to stay calm with her but it's just so hard. She is so all over the map. I'm gonna move on now.

[Real]

How old are you "werecat".... reading the dialogue between you and this girl, you sound very very immature. I can understand why the relationship did not work out the first time and It will not work out a second time due to the way you talk & interact with her.

 

Reasons are these..

You do not listen

You are too pushy

You are too focused on sex

You do not understand how to take things slow

You do not understand what a fulfilling & long lasting relationship is

You are unwilling to put in the work & effort to build a relationship together

You only want things your way

I can go on and on, but the biggest is this YOU DO NOT LISTEN

 

You need to take things slow and stop expecting so much right away.. again I can only attribute this to your age, as I feel you must be in your teens or very young. Sex is not all a relationship is built on, remember that... take things slow and date each other without sex for a long time.. let it come naturally... it's actually better when she is the one that wants sex from you, rather than you trying to force her to have sex.

 

My advice to you is this and this is not me beating up on you, but you need to hear this.. Grow up, learn to listen, learn to compromise and learn to live in the moment and take things slow. As for this so called relationship with this girl, She did not hurt you at all, YOU HURT YOURSELF. If this is the way you acted the first time around, I seriously can understand why she left for someone else. Best advice I can give is to be by yourself some more and learn about yourself first before you get into any relationship with anyone.. I'm sure you are a decent individual, but you need to learn to take things easy and truly understand yourself and how to work together in a relationship. The 3 month relationship you had was not really a relationship, at least not a deep one. the both of you didn't get a chance to really enjoy & know what a relationship could have been

 

Cheers.

[habsrule30]

Hey,,

 

I was in the EXACT same position as you. Me and my ex dated 7 months left me for a guy then a year and a half later she come back. We almost immediately jumped into relationsihp mode and had an amazing 2 months but she got bored real quick and lat night i ofund out she went to ee her ex and theyr back together now...just like that

 

move on, i dont think we are 100% innocent in this situation but relationships like this just dont lead to a good place...work on yourself and forge ther.

[minou]

It really doesn't sound like you love this person. Her feelings and statements don't mean anything to you. She has the right to go slow and see whether the emotional side can be developed again before having sex. You have been way too pushy. If you change your mind, and you do end up going out with her, masturbate before you go out. She was in the exploratory stage, to see if she's going to be treated well as a person, not a sex object. You may have blown it. I don't think you should blame that on her. Women do not like to be pushed into sex if they have made a clear statement about that. She wanted to know you felt just being with her was worthwhile before having sex. Sometimes that's because when they have sex, it opens all the feelings of love up. She may have been self-protective and didn't feel appreciated for who she was. Sex is easy. Showing someone you cherish who they are takes listening and respect.

[abitbroken]

I think she is 100% right on for taking things slow to see if there are feelings. You are thinking "friends" means that she is rejecting you - she isn't. She is just trying to tell you that she wants to build something together before sex. Maybe you were "really sexual" last time and that got in the way of establishing good communication. You are telling her she is not worth waiting for and all you want to do is jump in the sack right away. I mean - you didn't even really go out with her again yet - its not like you have been dating again for a month and you are feeling sexual. She has not really even been in your physical presence and its like you have already moved on to 3rd base.

[abitbroken]

Hey,,

 

I was in the EXACT same position as you. Me and my ex dated 7 months left me for a guy then a year and a half later she come back. We almost immediately jumped into relationsihp mode and had an amazing 2 months but she got bored real quick and lat night i ofund out she went to ee her ex and theyr back together now...just like that

 

move on, i dont think we are 100% innocent in this situation but relationships like this just dont lead to a good place...work on yourself and forge ther.

 

If she wanted to jump into sex, that might be true, but she clearly doesn't.

[TearsofFate]

Ouch. Reading that conversation is painful...

I'm not sure what to say. It sounds like your basing everything around sex....that's such a bad idea. if you didn't bring it up I'm sure you two would of been fine...

 

She's not really being demanding at all. Or forceful. She seems to be going about this the right way. You seem really demanding of her. It really doesn't sound like you care about her feelings. Maybe because she dumped you?...whatever the case, you played your cards wrong. This is going to only go downhill, if it hasn't hit rock bottom already. You sound like a few people I used to know actually. People who just never stopped talking about sex. I casted them all out of my life completely. People like that are immature.

[werecat]

Yeah well I do not think she is coming back.

 

She told me she no longer has interest and nothing will ever change that. She said the first time she dumped me was because she thought I was only in it for the sex. I take that as an insult. She is the one who is insecure.

 

I am moving on anyway. There are a lot more better girls out there. Me and her never had a chance to begin with. I am 21 years old and I am a virgin. She does n't even believe that.

[abitbroken]

Yeah well I do not think she is coming back.

 

She told me she no longer has interest and nothing will ever change that. She said the first time she dumped me was because she thought I was only in it for the sex. I take that as an insult. She is the one who is insecure.

 

I am moving on anyway. There are a lot more better girls out there. Me and her never had a chance to begin with. I am 21 years old and I am a virgin. She does n't even believe that.

 

Well - she was absolutely right. All you DO care about is sex. You don't have to have penetration to be obsessed with it. And she wants something more - for sex to happen when two people love eachother - not just because a boyfriend gets something out of talking dirty to her. really - you are in danger of coming off as a creep.

 

It seems that she is a very secure young lady if she believes that she is worth more than just being an object. I hope she finds someone who think's that is great. There are a lot of guys who will.

[TearsofFate]

werecat, maybe you are just obsessed cause your a virgin?...

But even so, trying to rush into sex isn't a smart move. You're not only coming off as a bit of a creeper but if you don't change your motives you might actually become a creeper later in life. This is how these things happen....

 

Don't you want your first time to be special? Don't you want her to love and respect you?..Or is sex the only thing you want here? Forcing and demanding sexual things out of a girl when she is not ready is going to do the opposite of what you want. Even if she did agree to sex without the feelings there, either she would get hurt by you for using her to lose your virginity OR..you will get hurt because she would leave you. It's better to build a relationship first...like seriously.

[werecat]

Why is everyone on her side? I have heard of people who got close to each other through sexual things. Waiting around isn't the only way on the planet to make a relationship work.

 

Besides what good is a relationship if the sex is horrible? I was in a one year relationship with the girl of my dreams when I was 18. We didn't have sex once. She is the only person I ever really loved. I was always waiting for the time to come but it never came. She left me. I was patient all that time just for her to leave. I just don't have it in me to build up for that moment anymore.

[abitbroken]

Why is everyone on her side? I have heard of people who got close to each other through sexual things. Waiting around isn't the only way on the planet to make a relationship work.

 

Besides what good is a relationship if the sex is horrible? I was in a one year relationship with the girl of my dreams when I was 18. We didn't have sex once. She is the only person I ever really loved. I was always waiting for the time to come but it never came. She left me. I was patient all that time just for her to leave. I just don't have it in me to build up for that moment anymore.

 

People only get the "closer" that you desire through sexual things if they had a good foundation to begin with. Sex can actually make things worse if there is no good foundation. It can make insecure relationships more insecure. It may seem like people are brought closer together temporarily but its superficial. There are people who do have sex earlier and things work out well but they have established that they are compatible and they both want the same things.

 

How can you say "what good is a relationship if the sex is horrible" because 1) you've never had it 2) It appears you had a wonderful relationship without having sex. The timing was just off

[1guygirl]

she simply feels like all you want her for is a shag. she contacted you and again you go at it with the sex talk...she thinks "oh so whats changed??"

 

she has gone because shes wants someone to make love to her later down the line...she values her body and her self worth and good for her. i personally been in raltionships where all i have felt is the guys booty and not lover...there is a difference

 

if your idea of better girls are the ones who will put out sooner...boy are you in for a shock. but this isnt about taking sides..how could we all dont know you both, but only comment on what we have been given by you

 

i guess you two jus werent right for each other