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Is it just me being insecure, or do I have a reason to be upset?


PsychGirly

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My bf & I have been together for about 4 months now. Everything's going pretty well so far. We get along just fine, & haven't had any problems.

 

We both enjoy working out. He works out everyday, & I go to the gym 3x a week, plus 2 personal training sessions weekly. We both used to be overweight, & we're working on getting back in shape.

 

He has a natural tendency to "motivate" (what he calls it). A few weeks ago, it was about 7pm at night, & I said "I'm so hungry I could have a burrito!" & he replied, "Whoa whoa, calm down, it's 7pm". I was obviously joking, but his reaction kinda threw me off. I just laughed it off because I figured it's just my insecurity making me feel that way.

 

A few days after that, I was sending him pictures of bikinis online that I wanted to order for spring break, & he sent me a picture of a very revealing one that he thought would look good on me. I made a joke saying, "Whoa you really need to be in shape for that one!" & he said, "You're near perfect, you just need to lose like 15-20lbs & you'll look great!" (I'm 148lbs now).

 

That comment really hurt me, & I very calmly explained to him that he should understand where my insecurity comes from. He claimed that he was "just joking" and when he says those things. I asked him to please not talk about issues with my body/weight, & he agreed he'd stop.

 

Last night, again around 7-8pm, we had this convo:

Me: "My tummy won't stop grumbling"

Him: "Fruits only, nothing else!" (I decided to let it go, giving him the benefit of the doubt, that he may be joking around)

Me: "Yes, gotta keep in mind that Mr. ___ only likes skinny girls".

Him: "I just like them nice & tight"

Me: "Well sorry I'm not quite there yet"

Him: "You will be soon"

 

After that comment, I got so upset that I started to cry. I told him his comments were really unnecessary & despite him knowing about my insecurity, he keeps bringing this issue up. I explained to him that he's my bf & he should just accept me for who I am. He said he's just trying to motivate me. I explained to him that I was paying my trainer over a grand to do that, and that it wasn't his job.

 

He started apologizing, but in a really annoying way, saying "Aww I'm sorry babyy, eat whatever you want, I'm sorry". It pissed me off that he was now "giving me permission" to eat. I continued to express how I felt, & he got really irritated & said things like, "Don't blame your insecurities on me" and "I said sorry, get over it".

 

The way he handled it really pissed me off, & it got to a point where I started feeling like maybe I overreacted, so I apologized for falling apart, & once I started apologizing, he flipped the tables on me & started giving me an attitude & wouldn't drop the damn subject.

 

Anyway, after an hour of nonsense, we kind of just dropped the subject. I'm supposed to see him today, & I have a feeling it might come up. I just don't know if I have a legitimate reason to be upset. I just felt like he was being such an a**hole, but he made me feel like the biggest dramaqueen at the end.

 

Some honest opinions on the situation would be greatly appreciated!

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You didn't say anything wrong! Those were horrible things to say and despite you telling him to not talk about your weight again he continued doing it. He sounds very controlling and manipulative but is doing it in a very subtle way - a way where you end up thinking you're in the wrong. Perhaps he's not such a lovely guy after all.

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That would REALLY hurt my feelings!!! I understand you're both working out and working at getting in better shape, but you're doing it for YOU, not for him. He should like you for who you are, not who you would be 20lbs lighter. He's being incredibly insensitive.

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You're both trying to lose weight, right?

 

So perhaps he's making these comments because he wants to stay motivated himself and reminding you about it helps keep him on the right track as well. He's not going about it very well because obviously it's upsetting you, but maybe half of what he's saying is actually a reflection of him feeling the same way - 'I could really go for a burrito!' - and not wanting to weaken. He could be chastising you because your possible weakness if you caved would then potentially make it harder for him to resist as well.

 

It's not a very good excuse but it could be that. Have another conversation when you're both calm and explain that you know he's just trying to help but it makes you feel worse when he says those things. You might have your own goals but telling you once you lose some weight you'll be perfect is insensitive - what if you never managed to lose it? Is he saying he wouldn't find you attractive like that? Tell him that's what he's insinuating with his comments.

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You didn't say anything wrong! Those were horrible things to say and despite you telling him to not talk about your weight again he continued doing it. He sounds very controlling and manipulative but is doing it in a very subtle way - a way where you end up thinking you're in the wrong. Perhaps he's not such a lovely guy after all.

 

I kind of got that feeling, too.

 

I'm definitely gonna keep my eyes open after this.

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That would REALLY hurt my feelings!!! I understand you're both working out and working at getting in better shape, but you're doing it for YOU, not for him. He should like you for who you are, not who you would be 20lbs lighter. He's being incredibly insensitive.

 

Towards the end of the conversation, he said something like, "How many times have I told you you're beautiful? If you're happy with the way you are then that's all that matters."

 

That may have sounded really sweet to me if this whole thing never happened, but for some reason it didn't make me feel any better because what didn't need to be said had already been said.

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Towards the end of the conversation, he said something like, "How many times have I told you you're beautiful? If you're happy with the way you are then that's all that matters."

 

That may have sounded really sweet to me if this whole thing never happened, but for some reason it didn't make me feel any better because what didn't need to be said had already been said.

 

Well, if he thinks you're so beautiful (which, you ARE!!) why on earth is he still making these insensitive remarks?

 

I've seen quite a few pictures of you--20lbs seems like a lot for you to lose, like it would be too much.

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Thanks for your insight, but I really don't think that's it.

 

He doesn't lack motivation whatsoever. He lost all the weight he wanted to lose, but now he's working on bulking up, so he's eating whatever he wants & wouldn't miss his "gym day" for the world.

 

I'm just so annoyed cuz I try to hard to not let my insecurity show & I truly am happy with the effort I've made & how I look now. Even if I don't lose any more weight, I'm fine with how I look. Just annoys me to think that someone else has to make me think twice about myself.

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Seems like he tried to be well meaning in keep you motivated but he's not going about it quite the right way. I also think he doesn't quite understand what it means to motivate someone. I think he's letting the weight loss thing get wayyy into his head. It shouldn't be permeating into your relationship this much - seems like saying anything food related will get him to spew some "motivational words" like you need to lose more weight, you're not perfect yet. Motivating someone should be staying by someone when they're trying to reach a goal, not pulling them towards it every chance they get.

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Well, if he thinks you're so beautiful (which, you ARE!!) why on earth is he still making these insensitive remarks?

 

I've seen quite a few pictures of you--20lbs seems like a lot for you to lose, like it would be too much.

 

It WOULD be too much. I'm a curvy girl, but I'm pretty "in shape". If I wasn't, I would maybe understand his concern. I eat healthy, I exercise regularly...so what "motivation" do I need?

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Seems like he tried to be well meaning in keep you motivated but he's not going about it quite the right way. I also think he doesn't quite understand what it means to motivate someone. I think he's letting the weight loss thing get wayyy into his head. It shouldn't be permeating into your relationship this much - seems like saying anything food related will get him to spew some "motivational words" like you need to lose more weight, you're not perfect yet. Motivating someone should be staying by someone when they're trying to reach a goal, not pulling them towards it every chance they get.

 

Exactly how I feel. I feel like I can't mention food or weight anymore.

 

The weird thing is, whenever we go out to eat, he'll always push me to eat more. I keep my portions very small, & he gets annoyed & says things like "You barely ate anything! Eat!"

 

I just don't understand what his intentions are.

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It WOULD be too much. I'm a curvy girl, but I'm pretty "in shape". If I wasn't, I would maybe understand his concern. I eat healthy, I exercise regularly...so what "motivation" do I need?

 

Yeah, that's where I think he's being really insensitive. When I read the 20lbs thing, I was like, "what!!?" You are curvy, but in the absolute best way possible. To be totally honest, I don't think you need to lose any weight at all.

 

It just seems like a red flag on the road to him becoming controlling. It seems like a deeper issue at hand.

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Yeah, that's where I think he's being really insensitive. When I read the 20lbs thing, I was like, "what!!?" You are curvy, but in the absolute best way possible. To be totally honest, I don't think you need to lose any weight at all.

 

It just seems like a red flag on the road to him becoming controlling. It seems like a deeper issue at hand.

 

Thank you for the kind words & the advice. I def do see it as a red flag, & I will make sure to keep my eyes open.

 

The way he lashed out at me was another red flag. Not only does he not have a reason to be mad, but he was blurting out unnecessary comments like, "That's the way I am, if you don't like it, you're welcome to leave." ](*,)

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Thank you for the kind words & the advice. I def do see it as a red flag, & I will make sure to keep my eyes open.

 

The way he lashed out at me was another red flag. Not only does he not have a reason to be mad, but he was blurting out unnecessary comments like, "That's the way I am, if you don't like it, you're welcome to leave." ](*,)

 

See, I don't like that at all. I would have got up and left

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I'm confused. You started your post by saying that you're both trying to lose weight and get in better shape, but you're getting upset every time he insinuates you could lose weight?

 

I'm getting upset because I asked him to not mention the weight issue with me, because it upsets me, & he agreed...yet he keeps doing it.

 

I'm not really trying to lose weight. I'm just working out, staying in shape, & trying to tone up cuz I lost about 50lbs during the past year.

 

I've just never asked him to keep me motivated, & I've never mentioned anything about his body or his diet, so I don't see where he has the right to make unnecessary comments like that.

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I suggest you lose 15-20 lbs, then dump him.

 

Lol I had crooked thoughts like that last night.

 

We work out at the same gym, so I started thinking about how it would feel if we broke up & he saw me at the gym months later, looking better & more fit...then I realized I was being evil & stopped myself

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I'm getting upset because I asked him to not mention the weight issue with me, because it upsets me, & he agreed...yet he keeps doing it.

 

I agree that is potentially a problem. But it's possible he doesn't see his comments as being about "your" weight issue. For example, is he also trying to live by the same standards (such as eating fruit, avoiding carbs after 7pm)? If so, he likely sees the comments as "motivating" for both you and himself, not so much attacks on your weight specifically.

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See, this is one of those places where "I want you to feel free to be totally honest with me" falls apart in relationships.

 

He's giving you complete honesty with respect to his opinion. If you two have mutual goals, this probably is his way of helping you along the way. Now, motivation like this wouldn't bother most guys, I think. But, I think that it absolutely would bother most women. So... he needs to know his audience better.

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I agree that is potentially a problem. But it's possible he doesn't see his comments as being about "your" weight issue. For example, is he also trying to live by the same standards (such as eating fruit, avoiding carbs after 7pm)? If so, he likely sees the comments as "motivating" for both you and himself, not so much attacks on your weight specifically.

 

No, he's not really watching what he eats. He's trying to build muscle, so he's eating a lot & on a protein diet & all.

 

Maybe I'm overly sensitive, but I would never ever comment on someone's weight or diet unless they asked me to help them or motivate them. Even then, I'd be really careful how my words came accross. There's a huge difference between constructive criticism/motivation & hurtful comments.

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