Is it just me being insecure, or do I have a reason to be upset?

[Taikero]

See, this is one of those places where "I want you to feel free to be totally honest with me" falls apart in relationships.

 

Honesty and tact are not mutually exclusive. How you say something is usually more important than what you're saying.

[PsychGirly]

See, this is one of those places where "I want you to feel free to be totally honest with me" falls apart in relationships.

 

He's giving you complete honesty with respect to his opinion. If you two have mutual goals, this probably is his way of helping you along the way. Now, motivation like this wouldn't bother most guys, I think. But, I think that it absolutely would bother most women. So... he needs to know his audience better.

 

I agree.

 

He even said "I don't see why you get all emotional about it. I would love it if you did that to me."

 

"did that to me" meaning motivating him...but that's not how I would go about doing it.

 

I've told him many times how I think it's great how he lost the weight & how he's so dedicated to getting in the best shape possible, but that's about it. I haven't allowed myself to get too personal about it.

[hockeyboy]

psych, it sounds like you know this guy isn't great for you. why try to salvage this 4 month relationship?

 

You are also gorgeous and you know it. I'm not saying you need to find a guy that will bow down to you, but seriously, any guy dating you should feel lucky to have you as you with him. This guy seems like he think you should feel lucky...and he's doing you a favor.

[PsychGirly]

psych, it sounds like you know this guy isn't great for you. why try to salvage this 4 month relationship?

 

You are also gorgeous and you know it. I'm not saying you need to find a guy that will bow down to you, but seriously, any guy dating you should feel lucky to have you as you with him. This guy seems like he think you should feel lucky...and he's doing you a favor.

 

You're such a sweetheart, thank you.

 

Yea, I am second guessing this relationship, & I'm serious when I say I'm keeping my eyes open. I just don't want to end it quite yet. I'm gonna give him the benefit of the doubt this time & see what happens.

[Kaiser_Soze]

Don't call it off yet, but you do need to set some boundaries. This attitude of "this is me, if you don't like it you can leave" is BS that he would have never pulled in the beginning. Guys will do that if they think your sprung. You have to project your strength and independence, let him know although you may be self conscious about that one area (totally unwarranted) that you have more than enough confidence to move on. Let him know you will never stay in a relationship where you are made to feel that you have to be anyone other than your true self, whether that means talking about eating a burrito at 7 at night or actually wolfing down a costco sized case of twinkies at AM, and if thats not him then maybe you do need to move on.

 

If he still feels the need to make you feel bad, tell him "I don't bring up the fact that you look like Jack Jeebs from Men in Black" (yep, I saw the picture you posted)jk.

[Jd1983]

Wow, those comments were unnecessary and hurtful.

 

Losing 50lbs in a year is already a big success. How can he go about asking you to lost another 15-20 lbs?

 

To be honest, I've seen your pics and you are in great shape. I wouldn't suggest you lose anymore. If you want to lose it, do it for yourself not for someone else.

 

How can he go about eating everything to his heart's desire and tell you what you shouldn't eat? Even if he claims he's trying to motivate you? That's always other ways to do so.

 

I agree, women takes things differently, but he really needs to think before he speaks.

[Kaiser_Soze]

Tell him "if I have to hear you 'motivate' me to lose any more weight, I will show you just how quick I can drop oh say 180lbs (or whatever he weighs).

[FarthestEdge]

Any chance this conversation was by text, or IM? Because unless it was in person, you missed some very necessary cues. He could have been gently poking fun. I don't think that what he said was very sugar-coated, but I wouldn't consider it brutal either.

 

You know, the best thing DH ever did for me with respect to my weight is to stop coddling me with BS. IF for example, lets say you were 15-20 lbs too heavy to wear the bikini AND feel good in it (which is highly subjective), would he really be doing you a favour telling you you'd look great in it, knowing that when you saw the pictures, you'd burst into tears saying "how could you let me go out in public looking like that?"....

 

Guys really can't win in this arena, so while it may have been wiser for him to keep his trap zipped, I don't think he's committed a horribly insensitive offense here. A bit offside, perhaps, but if you know he loves you, you should be able to hear it as he sees it...

 

He probably thinks he's motivating you by recognizing that you are on your way to your goal.. I had a bf tell me once if I lost 50 lbs he'd buy me a leather teddy...and I couldn't get my arms around his waist! He was trying to inspire ME for my goals, and just came off like a hypocritical jerk.

 

I think you might be overreacting a tad. And remember that you made a big deal out of it too...He's going to feel compelled to defend himself, if he feels like you're calling him a jerk.

[sidehop]

Wow I would get murdered for making that kind of comment to my wife...let alone I'd never expect her to be a certain size. That is just wrong.

[penelope13]

I get that weight is a very sensitive issue for many people and that it requires detailed instructions what's acceptable to say in this respect for people who do not have those same issues.

 

However I see a pattern in the 3 situations that you describe: in all 3 situations YOU are the one who is initiating the conversation about food/ body shape/ body image etc.

 

Most often if someone initiates a certain subject the partner in the conversation assumes that since the subject is brought up voluntarily it is safe to respond/ continue the conversation. Especially in your last 2 examples you are essentially setting him up to say the wrong thing and setting yourself up to be upset. What did you expect him to say/ do when you send him the bikini pictures? That he would tell you that you are in perfect shape? - You don't believe that yourself, otherwise body image wouldn't be such a touchy subject for you? Why do you expect him to see something in you that you are not willing to see in yourself? Especially since you are claiming that you do not want/ need his motivation. The same thing in the last example where you say something about him expecting you to be skinny. Sure you could debate how to define skinny (I'm sure lots of people have different opinion what the cut off for that is), yet again you set him up to tell you that you are already skinny even though you don't see yourself like that.

 

If you really don't want him to mention anything about this subject until you have reached whatever you deem is your ideal weight, then you really shouldn't be bringing this up (just my humble opinion). At the same time express to him what is acceptable to you for him to say and what isn't since he has clearly a different sensitivity level about this subject.

[PsychGirly]

Kaiser: Thanks for the reply. I agree about setting boundaries. I did let him know that just because I shared my insecurity with him, doesn't give him the right to poke at it whenever he wants to. I just googled Jack Jeebs & LOL'd =)

 

 

Jd: Thanks so much. I guess the comments really hurt me because I DON'T feel like I need to lose more weight. I'm in my healthy weight range, & I'm comfortable with where I'm at now. I guess that's why I was annoyed cuz it's like someone constantly telling you to "calm down" when you know you're calm lol It just made me wonder how he actually sees my image if he's telling me to lose 15lbs. (He's also mentioned a couple of times that he doesn't like "skinny girls" and that my "body is perfect".)

 

 

Farthestedge: Thank you for sharing. The comments have been made in person & on the phone. He's very sarcastic in nature, sometimes even overly sarcastic to the point where it can REALLY annoy someone. I understand what you mean about your partner being honest with you about your image. I also value honesty, & I definitely would not want my partner to tell me I look good if he doesn't believe I do. The big difference here is, this wasn't one of those situations where I asked him for his opinion. If I'm just sending him pictures of 2 bikinis online & asking "which one do you think would look better on me babe?", I would expect an answer like "The first one would look better on you (for example)" instead of "Well, I like the first one, but the second one would look really good if you lost a few extra pounds". It just seems so unnecessary. I didn't ask you which one would look good on me if I was 10lbs lighter.

 

Sidehop: You should be able to tell your partner how you feel about her if there is a point behind the comment you're making. If she's overweight & you're worried about her health, or if her eating habits have changed & you're simply trying to look out for her, that's respectable, but to simply point out things that may hurt someone isn't the same.

 

Penelope: Thank you for your honesty. I am aware that my sensitivity plays a role in this. However, I have to say that my weight is no longer an "insecurity". I'm finally comfortable with my image & how my body looks, & as I mentioned before, this is what hurts me...that I don't see anything wrong with myself, yet it seems he does. I definitely wasn't trying to fish for compliments when I sent him the bikini pictures. They weren't pictures of me in a bikini, they were pictures off a website that I was going to order off of. I also did not make the "skinny" comment to have him tell me I'm skinny. In my opinion, I'm not skinny, I'm average, so I wouldn't even expect him to say I am anyway. I made that comment to make a point that he's hurting me. I made it sarcastically so that he can hopefully sense that it hurt me without having to make an argument out of it.

 

 

UPDATE:

He hasn't made any comments since then. If anything, he's been putting in a little extra effort to make me feel comfortable. We had lunch together today, & as we were talking about how our days went, he asked me how my training session went today. I explained that my trainer was proud of me because I had lost another 4 lbs in a week. I told him how I was going to stop paying for personal sessions cuz I only had about 6 more lbs I wanted to lose, then I can workout on my owntime. He asked me how much I currently weigh, I said 144, & he said, "No way, you look like 125-130!" I'm not sure if he was trying to make me feel good or if he's just not really familiar with females & weight. I explained to him that 15 lbs would be too much for me to lose, & he said, "Yea, it would be. 10 is good (agreeing with me)."

 

He also displayed signs of insecurity today. I was wearing heels when we went out to lunch, & I put in a little extra effort to look good (hair, clothes, makeup). He was also dressed nice, IMO, but as we were leaving, he made a comment like, "Don't wear heels on casual days (?) when we go out. Save them for the weekend." I was confused as to why he said that, so I asked him to elaborate. He told me that "I looked hott and he looked too casual next to me". A few mins before this, our waiter had asked me what nationality I am, & he told me I have ''unique beauty''. I thought that maybe this made my SO feel uncomfortable or insecure, cuz I can't figure out the comment about wearing heels =\

[sidehop]

Sidehop: You should be able to tell your partner how you feel about her if there is a point behind the comment you're making. If she's overweight & you're worried about her health, or if her eating habits have changed & you're simply trying to look out for her, that's respectable, but to simply point out things that may hurt someone isn't the same.

 

Absolutely, we're very honest with each other but it's really how you communicate that with the person. Obviously your b/f just blatantly expected you to be certain size and didn't respect your feelings with his words. You had every right to be upset.

[Doc Blaze]

[quote=PsychGirly;

He also displayed signs of insecurity today. I was wearing heels when we went out to lunch, & I put in a little extra effort to look good (hair, clothes, makeup). He was also dressed nice, IMO, but as we were leaving, he made a comment like, "Don't wear heels on casual days (?) when we go out. Save them for the weekend." I was confused as to why he said that, so I asked him to elaborate. He told me that "I looked hott and he looked too casual next to me". A few mins before this, our waiter had asked me what nationality I am, & he told me I have ''unique beauty''. I thought that maybe this made my SO feel uncomfortable or insecure, cuz I can't figure out the comment about wearing heels =\

 

what is this a job ..causal fridays? pleasseee...he should take it as a blessing that his gf cares enough to dress up alittle bit...no foul in that

[PsychGirly]

what is this a job ..causal fridays? pleasseee...he should take it as a blessing that his gf cares enough to dress up alittle bit...no foul in that

 

Exactly why I was like ...I took all that time to get extra pretty for you, & not only do you not compliment me, but you add a crappy, useless remark like that.

 

Oh well, made me feel better about myself anyway lol

[FarthestEdge]

Are you taller than him in heels?...

[PsychGirly]

Are you taller than him in heels?...

 

No. He's 6'1'', & I'm 5'6''. My tallest heels are 3 inches, which still leaves a good 3-4'' difference in height.

[iamtheone]

He TELLS you what weight to be and not to wear heels...there are much better men out there! Ima come to LA and tell him to shove the heels somewhere....! I know it's only a few comments from him, that you've mentioned, but seriously, there are people out there who wouldn't ever dream of saying such things. I hope everything goes well for you, you seem like a lovely girl, and well done at losing 50lbs!

[PsychGirly]

He TELLS you what weight to be and not to wear heels...there are much better men out there! Ima come to LA and tell him to shove the heels somewhere....! I know it's only a few comments from him, that you've mentioned, but seriously, there are people out there who wouldn't ever dream of saying such things. I hope everything goes well for you, you seem like a lovely girl, and well done at losing 50lbs!

 

Thank you hun =) Very nice of you to say

[Miss Firecracker]

I find it hard to believe he told you not to look that hot. It's so wrong, and he should be ashamed of himself. I know he is very handsome, but honestly I would rather have a guy that looks half as good if he were nice to me. I have a feeling you will be perfectly miserable if you stay with him.

[Kaiser_Soze]

Some guys are just insecure. It may make him feel threatened when you are looking that good. Personally, I love it when my girl turns heads. Her ex used to make her dress down too and also try and fight anyone looking at her... what a waste.

 

My first thought was also that he was probably shorter than you in heels. Since thats not the case, I am betting he is worried about you getting attention from other guys. He's gotta realize that when dating a woman as attractive as you it's bound to happen no matter what your wearing and he just needs to trust that you can handle yourself.

[Miss Firecracker]

He was burning with jealousy over the waiter's comment. He should have been proud instead.