How do I express that I'd rather be nothing than just friends?

[PrincessBOT]

Here is my story

 

So my ex contacted me after 2 1/2 years. Then he instant message me a week after that to ask me what I was doing that day, but left it at that after we told each what we were doing. Basically, I was busy.

 

I told my friend who is a hopeless romantic and she encouraged me to call him, which I was not going to do when he'd only text me. By this time another week had past so instead of calling I text him. We text back and forth a bit. It ended with it being my turn to text back but the only response would have inferred that we speak, it was too obvious that it was too much for me to text. As the dumpee, I do not want to be the one to initiate speaking.

 

Tonight he text me asking how I am doing. I think I told him too much about how tough a day I had. Eventually we texted so much he called me, even trying to console me about my tough day.

 

My thing is I don't want to be his friend, but I feel like that's what I am opening the door for. However, confronting him about what he wants could be the wrong thing to do. I am fully prepared to never speak to him again if he is going down the friend route, but I don't want jinx anything by being too forward.

 

I found that I do still have feelings for him, which is why I can't see myself being his friend and possibly have a situation where he gets with or is with someone else. I'd rather not be around or know about that and I'd rather not have him around as I date people while he is the reason I am out dating in the first place.

 

Any thoughts on a course of action or any close experiences and turnouts?

[Sanesoul]

I think you just need to be honest with him. If it's going to be too painful to be friends, then so be it. I suggest you talk about what your expectations are.

 

It might not be a comfortable conversation, but it's necessary.

[Keyman]

What's there to jinx in being too forward? Would you jinx not being friends? I don't get it. Surely something simple - as insane heart has said. "Sorry, I don't want to be friends and would prefer if you would stop contacting me."

 

If you don't want to do it, don't do it. Shut the door on the past and move on fully.

[Kashmir4321]

I think the jinx is that, if he does want to get back together, which it seems like you'd like to, that if you abruptly tell him that you're not interested in friendship, it might scare him off of trying to reconcile with you, am I right?

[PrincessBOT]

I think the jinx is that, if he does want to get back together, which it seems like you'd like to, that if you abruptly tell him that you're not interested in friendship, it might scare him off of trying to reconcile with you, am I right?

 

Yes, this is where I am stuck. I don't want to assume he wants more when he doesn't and spend months becoming just "friends". I am enduring this contact and small talk to see what happens in terms of reconciling, not to set up some type of long term friendship bond. However, I don't think I can take it anymore, I get a rush of feelings after, anxious, happy, sad, what next, did I say too much, did I say too little, why did he say that and mainly why hasn't he asked to see me yet?

 

So fear if I rush it I may ruin the chances, but how long am I expected go on pretending we just met?

[Keyman]

Yet I get the impression from both this and the other thread that she is trying not to go in that direction and thus why I and wondering about the jinxing. If she does want to be with him, or try again, she should the opportunity to get things going again now, not worry if a too stronger action to close the door might affect something in the future.

 

If she wants to go back to him, he has opened the lines of possibility now. If she doesn't, she should close the door and make it final.

[Keyman]

And if you are confused by the possibility and opportunity, I would suggest telling him to close the door for good and walk away.

[PrincessBOT]

 

If she wants to go back to him, he has opened the lines of possibility now. If she doesn't, she should close the door and make it final.

 

I am so tempted to do this, but in the past having the gift of patience has turned out be reveal things that would not have been without patience.

 

So I guess a more specific question would be in your opinions, what is a reasonable amount of time to assess someone intentions of getting back together or just being friends, acquaintances even?

[abitbroken]

Yes, this is where I am stuck. I don't want to assume he wants more when he doesn't and spend months becoming just "friends". I am enduring this contact and small talk to see what happens in terms of reconciling, not to set up some type of long term friendship bond. However, I don't think I can take it anymore, I get a rush of feelings after, anxious, happy, sad, what next, did I say too much, did I say too little, why did he say that and mainly why hasn't he asked to see me yet?

 

So fear if I rush it I may ruin the chances, but how long am I expected go on pretending we just met?

 

Its about setting boundaries. Setting a boundary is not about making ultimatums. He doesn't have to marry you tomorrow. But he also needs to establish chatting with you if you are going to get back together to test the waters. Getting back together is not so cut and dry that you decide to do it and you are. It takes getting to know someone again. That being said, instead of all this chit chat, I would meet him in person. Take the bull by the horns and set the boundary. Don't let him just text you whenever about your day or his. Meet him for a date like thing even if it is more casual like getting a pizza - something with a clear beginning and an end. And maybe if the first time goes well and is not awkward being fact to face, the second time is when you tell him that you were very surprised that he contacted you and want to know what his intentions are. That you aren't interested in a casual friendship. The first meeting you got to see eachother again and just seeing you gives him something to think about the time in between the second meeting. The second seeing him - tell him If he doesn't want to be with you, being "just friends" is too hard for you and you rather he didn't contact you if that was his only intent.

[PrincessBOT]

That sounds so reasonable and seems like it would go a long way in determining what we are doing without rushing it or cutting loose to early.

 

I was the dumpee so I feel its up to him to ask me to get together, which it seems like he has been on the verge of a couple of times. But my ex is or was the type of person that if he didn't do something than he was not 100% committed to it, almost like he'd just go along for the ride. So him asking me out would let me know he is 100% here. He has not, so do I forgo that and suggest to him that we get together. I mean our chats have ended because the next logical step has been we need to get together, but he won't ask. The closest I think he got was, what are you doing today, on a Saturday when most people already have their weekends planned, which I did so I was busy.

 

So do I suggest it and risk him saying yes to be nice and friendly or let him suggest it and know he 100% wants to?

[vertigoxo]

Maybe your ex is soooo afraid that you'll reject him (HELLO, it's been over 2 years since you two broke up, so he's probably afraid that you have moved on and stuff!), that he's trying very, very slowly to make you trust him again... I mean, he called you when you had a rough day, right? A guy who wouldn't be interested in a girl romantically wouldn't be half-assed to call her, let alone let her munch his ear off about HER day. So I do see some potential here, but I also see two very nervous people.

 

Maybe the next time he calls you, you can ask him to meet up? Like a cup of coffee on a nice day out- Nothing serious.

[PrincessBOT]

Maybe your ex is soooo afraid that you'll reject him (HELLO, it's been over 2 years since you two broke up, so he's probably afraid that you have moved on and stuff!), that he's trying very, very slowly to make you trust him again... I mean, he called you when you had a rough day, right? A guy who wouldn't be interested in a girl romantically wouldn't be half-assed to call her, let alone let her munch his ear off about HER day. So I do see some potential here, but I also see two very nervous people.

 

Maybe the next time he calls you, you can ask him to meet up? Like a cup of coffee on a nice day out- Nothing serious.

 

The bold part has me laughing and lets me know how I look over the details.

I guess I just figured automatically as the dumper he should have little reservations. But reality is it has been two years and he may feel he doesn't know me and the last time he saw me I looked like I wanted to kill him for breaking my heart into billions of pieces

[vertigoxo]

The bold part has me laughing and lets me know how I look over the details.

I guess I just figured automatically as the dumper he should have little reservations. But reality is it has been two years and he may feel he doesn't know me and the last time he saw me I looked like I wanted to kill him for breaking my heart into billions of pieces

 

Exactly! So he's just trying to be careful here and not rush anything in fear of scaring you off.

 

Then again... I'm not him... So only you can maybe give him the "OK we can hang out you want!" signal and observe him yourself and see if you think he still has feelings or not.

[tattoobunnie]

I am so tempted to do this, but in the past having the gift of patience has turned out be reveal things that would not have been without patience.

 

So I guess a more specific question would be in your opinions, what is a reasonable amount of time to assess someone intentions of getting back together or just being friends, acquaintances even?

 

After a few months, sure, play it cool.

 

After two and a half years...you can ask them outright anything. Tell them anything. After that amount of time, something is up. And he's expecting you to ask. Right now, he's playing the test the waters card. See if you'd slam the door shut in his face or not.

[PrincessBOT]

Two days in a row, him following up on whether or not my day was better. More talk about enjoying the weather on the weekend, which is his common theme, the weather. When did he become so fascinated with the weather?

 

Still nothing about getting together and something inside me won't let me suggest it. Its like him wanting to is the dividing line and I can't do it and give him the opportunity to let it be borderline about the significance of wanting to see me after two years when in the end it was like never wanted to see me again...

 

I can do this, I can do this, I can be patient

[abitbroken]

Welll... first of all men can't read minds. Perhaps he is chatting you up to see if you think he's the scum of the earth for dumping you or if you are open to contact. It was the right response to tell him you were busy (because it is true). However, there is a certain point where maybe you should ask him "what are you doing?" back if you want to know. Play it cool but don't play games as far as really really wanting to get together with him but pretending you don't. he will think you aren't interested.

 

At this point, its about what YOU want. You can choose to let him casually contact you until in the future until the light should flip on that asking you out is the next step, or you can set the rules. The intent of asking him out is to get him face to face with you for your benefit and telling him what you want. It is not in who asks who out that decides if he is onboard but how he acts going forward after knowing the information - knowing where your boundaries are. You just can't really tell him those things "over the phone" = as far as telling him what i said before - it was a pleasant surprise that he came back in your life all of the sudden. And you have thought a lot about it and decided that although it is nice to get reaquanited, it would be very difficult to be friends and not be with him - so if he isn't interested in dating you and just wants to be friends than you aren't interested. Be careful though - sometimes people need to reestablish friendship (as in not jumping in the sack, just geting to know the other person again) so be careful that its clear that you mean "Friendzoned" as what you don't want.

 

If you don't want to be "the one to ask him out" then hint at it but don't let that go on for too long like weeks. You already were busy one weekend - so he gets it that you aren't waiting by the phone. If he asks you what you are doing, ask what he's doing. Or when he asks what you are doing say, "oh, is there something you have in mind?" etc. or if you really want to be forward "oh, were you asking because you wanted to ask me out?"

[abitbroken]

Two days in a row, him following up on whether or not my day was better. More talk about enjoying the weather on the weekend, which is his common theme, the weather. When did he become so fascinated with the weather?

 

Still nothing about getting together and something inside me won't let me suggest it. Its like him wanting to is the dividing line and I can't do it and give him the opportunity to let it be borderline about the significance of wanting to see me after two years when in the end it was like never wanted to see me again...

 

I can do this, I can do this, I can be patient

 

I think that you know that he wants to ask you out because you mentioned you felt that is the way the conversation was going. You can't use asking you out as a litmus test if you are telling him "I'm busy". They say that although guys a lot of times do the chasing, they chase the girl who gives the green light. If you are not giving him the green light, he won't ask. If you are busy every time he asks what you are doing saturday night or you never ask him what he's doing, he is going to assume you are not interested. You don't have to say "i have nothing to do" but "i am going to a movie with Aunt Sally until 6 pm" and that gives him an opening to invite you.

 

Or just be direct, better yet. It could be a game changer if you always waited for him in the past. Unless you will be afraid he says no.

I was "patient' once hoping that my ex would change and with every little annoyance I would patient it out when I should have been bold and spoke my mind upfront. So you can "patient" this guy out and hope he can read your mind and pretend to him like you have little to no interest and see if he still persists even though your behavior is saying "no" or you can just go for it.

 

I would think you are fine not suggesting plans and being busy for a bit - but after awhile he just won't think you are interested. ALso there is a difference between "i would love to get together, but I already made plans with Becky" versus "I'm busy."

 

So I guess you need to decide - are you really wanting to go out with him or are you not sure?