Girlfriend Talking About Exes

[masaki1085]

My girlfriend of 5 1/2 months has been through a long line of what she would consider bad relationships, and she has been jilted many times by the people she has been in relationships with. An odd thing that has started occurring lately is that it seems like these exes come up in conversation a lot on her end. The statements she makes tend to range from being a comparative statement--comparing me to an ex-bf--or an ironic statement--comparative, but humorous because of the irony of the situation.

 

For example, if she decides to change into my pajama pants to make herself comfortable like she sometimes does when she comes over, she might jokingly state how funny it is that she can fit into my clothing, because she would not be able to fit into her ex-bf's clothing because I guess he was a little twerp (A comparative, yet ironic statement).

 

Another example, she might make a comment about how this one ex liked this particular celebrity.... and then ask what I think about that particular celebrity (Something more comparative). This happened when we watched the Oscars together the other week.

 

The other night, she made a comment about how glad she was that I didn't wear "wife-beater" tank tops, as her ex used to. (Again, comparative.)

 

Sometimes, she might make a comment about how this one ex had really understood a life situation she was facing (and still is facing) when they were dating. My girlfriend suffers from depression, and I guess at the time the guy she was seeing was also facing depression. She wasn't trying to be comparative in this statement in the context of the whole conversation, though.

 

Sometimes, she might make a comment that just sounds mean--for example, she had made a comment about how unfortunate it was that *so and so* wasn't around for the purpose of lending her books that she really enjoyed reading anymore....

 

The other day, we had gone out to a location of town where there was a restaurant she wanted me to try. She decided to drive, which led to a story about how she used to have to drive her former ex around because he didn't have a car of his own. In this regard, she was making a comparison because I have a car and I drive her around usually--she does not have to pick me up, which she likes and could not do with her ex. However, the ex knew how to drive, and knew how to drive a manual transmission car, which is what she had. She had made a comment to me about how she would give him the keys when she didn't feel like driving. Since I cannot drive a manual transmission car, this comment came accross as really mean because it made me feel inferior to the guy she previously dated.

 

You get the idea.... Most of these comments she makes are stories with information she chooses to volunteer to me on her own--meaning I don't ask for it.

 

On one end, she is always really happy with me and always says how lucky she is and discusses how much she values me. While she still says these things, at least one story about an ex-boyfriend is typically mentioned during the course of an evening--we usually see each other everyday, so this means almost everyday there is a new story. While the stories range from "mean" to "so what?" in terms of their content, the action of telling me these things is demonstrating that these guys are still on her mind, and this is what is frustrating to me.

 

I've brought the topic up with her on a more situational basis. For example, I remarked to her about the car comment above and some of the others that have been more mean when she doesn't realize. I really do love her, and wish to continue being with her, but I am getting very frustrated with this (and this might be damaging to the relationship in the long run). Any advice?

[vertigoxo]

... Ew.

 

Just tell her to stop bringing them up. It's time to leave the past where it belongs.

 

Sounds like she's pretending she's over some of them, but if given the opportunity to sleep with them/date them again, she'd be more than glad to.

 

Trust me. I experienced this BS before.

[Distant]

Sounds just like where I am.

[shuttlefish]

Seen this movie before. She's not over them....or at least she hasn't forgiven them yet.

I bet she has some kind of martyr complex going on.

 

Personally I would find that _really_ annoying.

[90_hour_sleep]

Seen this movie before. She's not over them....or at least she hasn't forgiven them yet.

I bet she has some kind of martyr complex going on.

 

Personally I would find that _really_ annoying.

 

i agree...in this context...it seems to allude to some unfinished business. i mean, i'm all for being open about past relationships, because in so many instances they offer important insights into where someone's been. but...in the comparitive sense...it doesn't seem condusive to the growth of a new relationship. she sounds a bit stuck. perhaps she's looking to you to fill a void that other people have provided at some point. perhaps she's never delved into the hurt that she's experienced in her past. may be something that'll continue to present itself as long as it goes un-dealt with. might be a good place to build a foundation of communication. lots of 'mights' and 'maybes'. almost impossible to know without learning to appreciate her perspective. :S

[Flywest29]

Ugh been there before dude. Except my ex would talk about sexual stuff about her exes. It drove me crazy hearing about it, and it was one of the many reasons why I broke up with her. There is nothing like hearing about how your come tastes compared to another guys. So I am not saying she is like my ex but there might be some underlying issues there that need to be resolved. Be careful my friend.

[mousey789]

Been there before. My guy dated a LOT of girls before me. For quite awhile there were a few he mention way too often. He wasn't ever really comparing them to me, except once to mention that I'm nothing like any of the other girls he dated (blah blah blah), and that thats a good thing. And it became more than obvious he was still harboring feeling about his 2 most serious previous relationships. In fact, when we first started dating, his most recent ex-girlfriend lived right accross the street from him and he was clearly not at all over her, even though their relationship had been extremely short-lived. That didn't last long though, and I personally have no problem with her because we've talked quite a bit. I tried to ignore his talking about all these other girls for the longest time, because I didn't want to come accross as being jealous or insecure. I hate that. But one day he just made one too many comments and I told him it had to stop. And it did. It hasn't been a problem since, and he only ever mentions any ex-girlfriends when I ask him a specific question, which is rare, in order to learn a little bit more about him.

[catfeeder]

Sounds like a girl who's primary focus in her life has been on her boyfriends, so these are the only social comparisons she's got.

 

This doesn't need to mean that she's not over them, but rather that she never reaches beyond one primary relationship--and you're now 'it'. You could end up feeling a bit suffocated and manipulated by this one, as her attention is never diffused in a healthy way. She's got a laser beam focused on minute details, and if you grow tired of being the center of her universe, she'll likely recount to the next guy the expert way you flipped a pancake or tied your shoes.

 

Nothing to be 'jealous' about, exactly, but sure is annoying.

[vertigoxo]

Sounds like a girl who's primary focus in her life has been on her boyfriends, so these are the only social comparisons she's got.

 

This doesn't need to mean that she's not over them, but rather that she never reaches beyond one primary relationship--and you're now 'it'. You could end up feeling a bit suffocated and manipulated by this one, as her attention is never diffused in a healthy way. She's got a laser beam focused on minute details, and if you grow tired of being the center of her universe, she'll likely recount to the next guy the expert way you flipped a pancake or tied your shoes.

 

Nothing to be 'jealous' about, exactly, but sure is annoying.

 

This could also be it. The poor girl probably doesn't have much of a life except dating. I mean... What about hobbies? Dreams? Movies and foods that she enjoys?

 

I guess some people are just like that.

[geekgirl4]

This could also be it. The poor girl probably doesn't have much of a life except dating. I mean... What about hobbies? Dreams? Movies and foods that she enjoys?

 

I guess some people are just like that.

 

This reminds me of a Sex and the City episode, when Carrie goes to a psychiatrist and learns that what all the terrible guys she dated and herself have in common is herself. She's the one going out and picking all these terrible guys. Sure, it's normal you get 4-5 bad apples in your dating career, but when bad guys make up a long string, well, it's time to start connecting the lines. Your GF sounds like she really did let relationships eat up her time, instead of taking time for herself and figuring out what she really wants. I think you should sit her down and let her know that hearing about all her exes has no bearing on the present and she should focus on what she has now, with you. She could just be really clueless and not know all these things she's saying about her exes is hurting you. Letting her know could be her first step in growing up.

[vertigoxo]

It could also be a sign that her "hating" on her exes are because she might have cheated on them and they found out and left her. (Rightfully so)

 

Or they may have been great boyfriends but for some stupid reason, she feels they don't "do enough" for her.

 

Listen real closely to what your gf is saying about her exes... Speaking about them in an ill-manner is bad news. Someday, if you two ever break up, she's going to hate on YOU too!

[penelope13]

There are different ways to interpret this (you will have to be the one to figure out what scenario is more likely). I have no idea how old your gf is and how many exes she has, nor how much time there was between each relationship.

 

But according to your op most of those relationships were really negative. I am assuming that in between those relationships she never took the time to really process what had happened and why those relationships were bad, instead she just stumbled from one into the next while repressing most memories from each of the previous relationships.

 

Now that she has found a decent guy and is in a healthier relationship, her brain might start to be ready to process all the things that have been going on in the previous relationships, thus she talks about those exes more frequently.

 

This doesn't have to have a sinister reason but just might be a sign of her starting to work through whatever issues she has carried away from those times