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How do you scrape what is left of your self respect off the floor?!


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I shouldn't put an "!" in the title at all, it's not funny.

 

Basically, i am making a fool of myself by obsessively messaging the ex. What is wrong with me? It's like i can't let go. I think i was more "in it" than the ex.

 

The ex has basically said "i hope everything's going well and good luck"...

 

Man, it feels so crushing when they just DON'T care!

 

How do you scrape your self respect off the floor and start again?

 

I basically keep breaking No Contact cos i want to interact..

 

Honestly, i feel powerless, it's like this ex doesn't care and it's killing me.

 

How do i stop? How do i regain my personal "power"? It's like i'm grasping at straws...

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The ex DOES care. They just need time away from you. The only reason the ex wouldn't care is if she isn't human.

 

I know it's hard to get out of that mindset, but you have to just remember that the ex does care. If you give her time, she'll naturally begin to start thinking about the good times again.

 

You HAVE to be strong. Realize that everytime you break NC, you're setting yourself farther apart from your ex and, more importantly, you're taking steps backwards instead of forwards.

 

Give her time. Leave her alone. Trust me, either she'll break NC and provide some sort of window for you to move on, or you'll eventually step forward and realize you don't need her in your life. You'll be fine, dude...

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The only reason the ex wouldn't care is if she isn't human.

 

I'm actually beginning to believe this is true.

 

I sent her three emails today, the last one saying "at least i have more money in my wallet".

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I'm actually beginning to believe this is true.

 

I sent her three emails today, the last one saying "at least i have more money in my wallet".

 

Eeeeeeeppp!

I really dont want to make this harder for you, and I have no Idea who/why/how things ended BUT

 

You need to stop.

 

You are making life harder for yourself.

 

You aren't giving you ex a chance to realise what life is like with out you

 

You may be confirming the reasons they wanted out by the behaviour displaying

 

You probably are feeling really vulnerable and hurt and are not thinking like the clear minded, strong person you are

 

You are giving them all the power in this situation - which they probably dont want or even know that they have.

 

No contact is hard, it can be like torture. Tough it out.

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How do you scrape your self respect off the floor and start again?

 

....by doing exactly that

 

big hugs to you lass...anno its hell but once you stop contacting them and jus ride it out and get ya power back, it will be another hurdle jumped

 

if you dont think shes human...why would you want to f*** an alien??

 

sorry, jus trying to make you smile...you still have that capacity and so them smiles will come back, but for yourself and not over her xxx

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I shouldn't laugh but I find overdramatic actions like that last email you sent quite funny because I am the same in my head! I never broke NC because I am too proud and too afraid of rejection but I have resulted to some pathetic cyberstalking.

 

You need to define WHY you are doing this. Research on obsession or addictive love. Understand that it will be VERY difficult at the beginning. Post in the "post here instead of humiliating yourself" thread. Write a diary. Start knitting, do a puzzle with 1000 pieces, do anything but contact her. Because really...where does it get you? The fix is only momentarily, an illusion of a connection. Say to yourself that contacting her is not an option. She's not thinking the same stuff you're thinking. Stay strong!

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After everything went down for me.even though shes the one who initially left me for someone else,I turned myself into the "bad guy" with my insane reaction. I lost it and did simular things with calls,texts,emails to the whole point I lost her and her familys respect and more. It sucks but im trying NC now myself and i feel its the only way to rebuild yourself. You can do this to..after awhile you feel a sense of pride that youll never get from someone else.

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I think with almost 100 % certainty that you can be SURE the outcome of any emails you send is going to result in more pain for you. It's a LOT more painful to repeatedly lose your self respect than it is to not reach out. It's like putting your hand on a hot stove burner repeatedly - you KNOW how much it's going to hurt!

 

I've been where you are and I still CRINGE at my own behavior. I feel SOOOOO much better now. I've found out a lot of new things my ex did to me that I didn't catch him for and ya know what? I was tempted to call him and tell him off but I didn't. Deep down all I'd be looking for is something I'd never get from him....an apology. I'd be willing to bet you aren't going to come close to getting what it is YOU are looking for right now from your ex.

 

Also, having recently ended a brief (a few months) relationship with a rebound - I got to be on the RECEIVING end of the communication barrage. Having been in his shoes I tried to be kind... compassionate...and patient. That said, I probably read every 5th word of his llloonnnnngggg emails. It was the same stuff over and over again. And there is NOTHING he could have said to me that would have changed my mind.

 

Be strong YOU are worth it!

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do a puzzle with 1000 pieces, do anything but contact her.

 

Thanks Quirky!

 

I'm going to buy a puzzle! Or, something to distract my mind. The gym isn't quite enough, i need mental stimulation (excuse the pun!).. The thing is, i'm starting a business soon, so that will provide a distraction.

 

I got to be on the RECEIVING end of the communication barrage. Having been in his shoes I tried to be kind... compassionate...and patient. That said, I probably read every 5th word of his llloonnnnngggg emails. It was the same stuff over and over again. And there is NOTHING he could have said to me that would have changed my mind.

 

Be strong YOU are worth it!

 

This is what makes me cringe, thinking that she has no respect for me and is not taking anything i say seriously. I've got to stop wanting validation from somebody who won't give it, and expecting an apology from this person is ludicrous. I think i've got more chance of winning the lottery!

 

Interesting what you say in relation to 'communication barrage'. I had somebody to that to me years ago. I couldn't wait to get rid of them, but since they have been No Contact for a few years now, i actually think about them, wonder what they are doing and kind of regret the way i went about our last contact. I wouldn't dare call that person though, i have far too much respect for them (i didn't back then).

 

Maybe no contact does work.

 

I've just got to get my self-respect back and toughen up my mind. I think i'll make a list of the things that i didn't like about her. Not to be negative, but to remind myself.

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I agree with people that exs do care, whether you are the dumper or dumpee. Well, most exs, there are exceptions and every situation is different. But for instance, im the dumpee... and my ex (before i told her i need to be left alone) kept messaging me, i would send back messages of "good luck with everything" and short abrupt "no im all good", even when she might say she can come help clean up the garage after moving all her stuff out i was like "thanks but no thanks" and left it at that. I guess what im getting at is everyone hurts a little when they come out of a relationship no matter what side of the fence they are on... and the messages you receive when you think they dont care is more a case of them putting their guard up. I send short (and could be perceived) cold shoulder messages also, but its just because i dont want to be hurt again, so its my natural defence, I still care alot about my ex no doubt, but the messages are more for my own sanity... and it takes a while for both people to realise that when a relationship ends that means you are no longer there for the other person anymore, harsh but its that exact fact.

 

This is going to sound so gospel, everyone on here says it... but when you first come out of a break up people tell you NC! NC! NC! but nobody likes hearing it. I didnt want to believe that you needed to do that because it hurt so much to think about it. There will come a time though when you cross that road, itll still hurt but its a turning point it really is. Itll ki11 you mentally but itll also heal you.

 

Im also a firm believer that its a huge thing for someone to end a longer term relationship, and people dont really communicate why they are unhappy when they break up. Loneliness brings people back together, and sooner or later the honeymoon is over and the same feelings come back to the dumper and it happens all over again. Happened to me 3x, am I a fool? a fool with his eyes shut yes.

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Yeah, NC is tough.

 

I broke it the day after we split up (3 1/2 weeks ago), and continued doing it a few more times in the coming days. However, it became clear after a while that it was just going to keep putting me back at square one. I went a week and a half without contacting her, and broke it yesterday. I set myself up for a depressive result, and that's exactly what I was dished. This morning, I just deleted her email address (the remaining form of communication) from my email address list. I don't remember her email address, so it'll make NC easier.

 

So, in the past 3 1/2 weeks, I have:

 

Deleted her phone number

De-friended and blocked her on Facebook

De-friended her friends from Facebook

Deleted all but one photo of us, no photos remaining online

Deleted her email address

 

The sooner you take care of what needs to be done, the better. In fact, I deleted her phone number BEFORE I left her house. She sat beside me as I deleted her number. I almost wanted her to do it for me. Facebook the moment I got home. The photos is the coming days.

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Thats just it. NC, I realised a while back now that it had to be done... because everytime i got a txt from her it ki11ed me a little bit more inside. I used to read people say (it gets easier over time) and (youll survive) and you know it will deep down but right now on the surface is this unbearable pain thats clouding your better sense.

 

Another thing I learnt is not to beat yourself up about the relationship (unless you are like a cheater or abuser). Its hard not to think that its not your fault, that only if you had changed or had done this or that. I did that i begged and told her i was or going to be a changed man (i didnt do anything wrong but i fed her those lines) and that was the 1st time out of 3. Now I realise you know what... I gave her everything I had to give, I have no regrets, and there will be someone out there more suited to my type of personality, its not my fault or hers.

 

And being fully honest, I sit down now and think about both our hobbies and what we like doing, we are totally unmatched. I like exercising she hates doing anything, I dont tend to go out much shes like a party animal, I like action rubbish hollywood americano movies she likes the art film styles. Mine was a relationship born out of just wanting to be with someone, and it really did take us over 6 years to figure that out I believe. Have a think about if you are truly matched... most of us wont be that are on here.

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Yeah, that's the thing with my ex. No one did anything wrong. In fact, it was all amazing and effortless, but after a while, we just couldn't hang with each other's paths... if that makes sense. She's quite an intellectual (in grad school, going for her PhD), and I'm not on that train, haha, but I respect and admire her for what she does. So to just be able to talk to each other on a fundamental level become a huge struggle, and there was nothing either of us could do about it. It's not like I could just suddenly turn into an intellectual. I had to just be myself, and she was just being herself. Breaking up when you're in love, care about each other, are best friends, have been loyal and trustworthy to each other, had a fair share of laughs, and then to severe that... wow. In a sense, I was lucky because she was my first. On the other hand, it's almost more painful when nothing went wrong (like a second chances kind of thing).

 

We were together for 5 months, so I can't imagine the pain of anything longer.

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Yea I hear you easyguy. Its tough... and when you feel like you are turning a corner or coming through that emotional tunnel something happens, just a little something that reminds you somehow... and then you feel like you are back to square one but in reality you arent. Its just moments that hurt for x amount of time, and the longer things go the x amount of time gets less and less. But helping yourself is the key to it all, if you sit there in denial and hold the candle of hope then of course itll take you months, years, to get over someone.

 

I received a txt from my ex the other day, I remember the first one after NC... I really got messed up again and was ranting to my friends, what does this mean? etc, asking all these random questions trying to read between the lines. Time went on... then i got another txt (didnt reply to the first one either) and now, I feel different when I read it. Its more a numb feeling now, I know im not totally over her, I feel I will be totally over her when this scenario happens (im with another girl and I dont stress over walking round the corner and seeing my ex). Thats the acid test for me being over her.

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I created a thread this morning called Turning points that touches on that very same thing. I'm only 3 1/2 weeks into the healing process. There are times when I think, YES, I'm quickly getting over her and moving on, and then later on in the day it'll be, Aha, NOPE, not even close.

 

Even just within a couple hours, too. I was out at a bar last night celebrating St. Patty's Day. Met a bar friend. All was good until I left. As I walked to the bus stop, I passed by excited college students, guys and gals in arms. My ex lives in that area. I wished I could have walked to her house instead of walking to the bus stop. I wanted to be with her so bad.

 

And just seeing the word NuvaRing brought me down again and again. She was using it for a while when we dated. After the break up, I was all of the sudden hit with advertisements for NuvaRing via email.

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We fear being abandoned. We fear rejection. We don't like loss. We tend to hang on to the familiar.

 

Those are the driving forces trying to keep us connected. But ultimately, something broke you apart and until that gets addressed on one or both sides, it is unlikely to work if you get reconnected. It doesn't mean it can't happen. Just time will be the best determiner of that. And one is not motivated to change if they don't have the opportunity to sit with their own ambivalence and feel the loss. Once they feel the loss and they get to a place where they realize that they lost something that they really didn't want to lose, they might look at what caused them to be where they find themselves. Then the most important step, action. It could be as easy as reading self help books or as significant as seeing a therapist. But action needs to take place and cause them to explore the reason that they are reacting to the loss the way they are (dumpee) or caused the loss that they now regret (dumper). Until then, it will only rinse and repeat until it is beaten to death and has no opportunity for further exploration ever in the future.

 

My two cents....

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My X broke up with me two months ago and I went through the whole thing of sending long emails saying I'm sorry and how much I care, calling all the time and texting. I did this for the first 5 weeks after the breakup and guess what kinda response I got? We all know what I got, nothing!!! Only I hope your alright and I can't be with you anymore. So I decided to change my tune after finding this site. I stopped all the groveling asked her to meet with me for 10 minutes cuz I had something important to say.

 

I told her I really cared about her but was letting her go. It was clear she did not want to be with me and that was OK. I was moving on. I told her I would not be putting my feelings out there anymore and was going to be open to start dating other people and just wanted her to know. I told her if she dicided she wanted to come back to call me and hopefully it would not be too late.

 

I could see the look in her eye that she was getting respect back for me. she asked me what I meant by letting her go. I told her I was just not going to try any longer to get back with her. I said all of this in love, with a smile on my face and with confidence.

 

Then a week later I called her and told her we had so many good times together and that is how I want to remember her. I told her she was sending me way too many mixed signals with her texts and calls and that I was checking out. I told her we are in two different places right now. You want friendship and I want more. I said because of this we can not be friends right now. I am not going to contact you again until if and when I can come back and not want more than friends. I told her not to expect a call anytime soon.

 

I also told her not to contact me again unless she wanted more than friends. Well that was about 10 days ago. Guess who spent the night last night Ya the X. I am not saying we are getting back together but I can promise you without me doing this and going NC, it would have never happened!

 

Just to be clear we were together for 6 months and the first 5 were awesome, not one fight and we connected on so many levels. The good news is that there is hope for them to come back if we can follow through and make them see what life is like without us. If they come back even if for a night, you know you were special.

 

it feels a lot better than groveling with no results!

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I shouldn't laugh but I find overdramatic actions like that last email you sent quite funny because I am the same in my head! I never broke NC because I am too proud and too afraid of rejection but I have resulted to some pathetic cyberstalking.

 

You need to define WHY you are doing this. Research on obsession or addictive love. Understand that it will be VERY difficult at the beginning. Post in the "post here instead of humiliating yourself" thread. Write a diary. Start knitting, do a puzzle with 1000 pieces, do anything but contact her. Because really...where does it get you? The fix is only momentarily, an illusion of a connection. Say to yourself that contacting her is not an option. She's not thinking the same stuff you're thinking. Stay strong!

 

I agree 100% here. YOU HAVE to change!! Call mother father sister brother. friend grandma grandpa ....anybody but the ex..you are doing yourself a dis-service and it is going to mess yourself up!!

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I shouldn't put an "!" in the title at all, it's not funny.

 

Basically, i am making a fool of myself by obsessively messaging the ex. What is wrong with me? It's like i can't let go. I think i was more "in it" than the ex.

The ex has basically said "i hope everything's going well and good luck"...

 

Man, it feels so crushing when they just DON'T care!

 

How do you scrape your self respect off the floor and start again?

 

I basically keep breaking No Contact cos i want to interact..

 

Honestly, i feel powerless, it's like this ex doesn't care and it's killing me.

 

How do i stop? How do i regain my personal "power"? It's like i'm grasping at straws...

 

I love this post. Not because it makes you feel bad but because I was where you are at about 2 months ago and let me tell you...it feels good to be back to myself. It took me almost 2 years to get here. Do you know why? Because I fought it so hard. I tried every thing I could to try to save my relationship. That was the worst thing I could have done.

 

The best thing to do is let go. Stop trying,stop calling, stop working it out, just stop everything. But your energy on trying to get yourself back and you will be better off.

 

Now my ex calls me. He wants me around. I still care for my ex so I am very careful. I just do my own thing now. You have to separate your life from his life. You have to work on yourself and let him go. It is what you need to do to get your self esteem back. Im so happy I made the choice. It feels good to love me again. You can do it too. Im happy again. I still pray that my love affair will come back to us but I keep myself busy with my own life and not his.

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mgirl, start living YOUR life again. Do this in the exact order:

  1. Start getting your body and mind in shape, with physical exercise. Work yourself to exhaustion.
  2. Do some retail therapy, updating your wardrobe, when you've gotten yourself into shape.
  3. Go to the spa and get pampered.
  4. Update your makeup.
  5. Think of a fun hobby that you can focus on, one that you didn't have the time to do, while with your ex. Go out and do it!
  6. Know you look and feel good.

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jbrooklyn - Great reply. Its so true. I am only literally 5 days into realizing all this and I swear I already feel better. I was a mess to. Horrible with the calls and everything and all I did was push her away all while losing myself. Feels good to be on the road to getting myself back.

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