nadid Posted March 16, 2010 Share Posted March 16, 2010 My boyfriend and I went to go pickup our takeout from a restaurant we've been going to for 2 years. I waited in the car while he ran in. A couple minutes later he came out with a scowl on his face and no food. He got in the car, slammed the door shut and recklessly sped off. I was so confused. He had this horrible hateful look on his face. I didn't know what to think! He was dead silent, didn't say one word! It was so bizarre. After waiting a minute for him to talk about what happened, to no avail, I asked him what happened. He said "You're never going back there again." He then told me that the food wasn't ready and he gave them a piece of his mind, cussed at them, told them to go back where they came from(India), eat the food themselves or shove it up their a**. My head was spinning. No one deserves to be spoken to that way. He wouldn't tell me anything else he said even though I asked. So we get home and I notice my phone (ringer was off). There were 7 calls from the restaurant and three voicemails. I asked him what all did you say to them, they just left all of these messages, he wouldn't tell me anything. I put the phone on speakerphone and played the VMs. The sweet sweet owner said that he was so hateful and rude to the women at the counter, said those hateful things, and he wanted to let me know that. And to call him back. He basically said that in all the messages. The boyfriend (soon to be EX) called them back, chewed them out again, totally making excuses for his sick behavior. He also said "dont call (me); she doesn't have anything to do with this. if you have a problem you call me" I am so freaked out that this happened. Those people at this restaurant are awesome and I can imagine how upset they are. Should I call and apologize and pay for the meal over the phone? Help. I am just shocked out of my mind. I can just imagine this showing up on the news tonight...hate/racial speech ughhhhhh Link to comment
memphis1 Posted March 16, 2010 Share Posted March 16, 2010 All this over food that wasn't cooked yet? You're bf has a temper on him. I'll be watching the news lol... Anyways, don't apoligize for him. He'll probably chew you out to. Link to comment
norsewoman Posted March 16, 2010 Share Posted March 16, 2010 Break up with the idiot, and apologize to the restaurant owners and workers. Pay for the meal if you if you want to show good faith. Let them know that your sentiments are not the same as your soon to be exe's. He was WAY out of line. Link to comment
Keyman Posted March 16, 2010 Share Posted March 16, 2010 I would ring them and apologise for his behaviour. It was uncalled for and for not doing it, you might be blamed for his actions. That he would lose his top and create such a massive scene of food not being ready might be a somewhat moonsized red flag. Imagine what might happen if you don't have the food on the table at the right time? Link to comment
memphis1 Posted March 16, 2010 Share Posted March 16, 2010 His actions are unexcusable but I think breaking up is a little extreme? Unless it was a very short relationship. anyone agree? Link to comment
Lucius Posted March 16, 2010 Share Posted March 16, 2010 If it were me, I'd definitely apologize to the folks at the restaurant. That anyone connected to me might speak that way would shame me greatly. And after I had contacted them about it, I'd dump the idiot in question. Racist, verbally abusive, hateful people are not my cup of tea. That behaviour is appalling; that he would justify it and refuse to apologize would absolutely seal the deal for me. Link to comment
norsewoman Posted March 16, 2010 Share Posted March 16, 2010 His actions are unexcusable but I think breaking up is a little extreme? Unless it was a very short relationship. anyone agree? Not sure how long they were together , but seriously...he made racist comments to people that the OP has been going to for at least two years. I would be dying with embarrassment, and dump the guy in two seconds flat. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted March 16, 2010 Share Posted March 16, 2010 His actions are unexcusable but I think breaking up is a little extreme? Unless it was a very short relationship. anyone agree? Not at all. His behaviour, at people he "knows" no less, is completely inexcusable. (You use a place for two years, you will be known to the staff.) How people treat wait staff shows how they treat people they don't feel the need to be nice to. That can tell you a lot about a person. Especially trying to rationalise racist abuse. Him losing his rag like that over a meal that wasn't ready... red flags all round. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted March 16, 2010 Share Posted March 16, 2010 Apologize to the restaurant owners, and dump the boyfriend where you found him. Link to comment
u4me Posted March 16, 2010 Share Posted March 16, 2010 Ugly behavior. When I date a new man, I'm very careful to see how he treats people in the service industry. I used to wait tables. He had better be nice to waitresses and waiters - and tip well. Looks like your boyfriend lost his "peacock suit". Link to comment
nadid Posted March 16, 2010 Author Share Posted March 16, 2010 I called and apologized to the owner. We spoke the way we always do. - He knew it wasn't me at all. I told him I will come in tomorrow and pay(they are closing now). He kept saying no to that. But I will. That guy (ex) is a liability I can't have in my life. Nuts, completely nuts. He has acted out in public before, not this intensely though. I got yelled at too later. He said, "a**holes everywhere" referring to me too. I do have some self esteem and know I have been treated better than this and will be again. He is out of his mind. Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted March 16, 2010 Share Posted March 16, 2010 That guy (ex) is a liability I can't have in my life. Nuts, completely nuts. He has acted out in public before, not this intensely though. I got yelled at too later. He said, "a**holes everywhere" referring to me too. I do have some self esteem and know I have been treated better than this and will be again. He is out of his mind. I'm very, very glad to hear you've got out. If you hadn't, I'd have been urging you to run, run, as fast as you can ... I agree that the way people treat people who work in service industries says a whole lot about who they are. Someone who's nice to you, and vile to a waiter, isn't going to stay nice to you for very long! Link to comment
TN-Walker Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 Hi, I'm going through something very similiar with my soon-to-be ex-husband. I met him for lunch on Monday (my first big mistake) to give him some money to help on the bills until our house sells. While at the restaurant, he was very rude to the waitress. (He's always been that way. He points out the mistakes they've made. He likes to make people feel bad.) I could tell she was very upset, and I was upset about it too. But I can't say anything to him about it because he'll give me a long lecture about how can people learn from their mistakes if no one tells them about them. I'm going to go by the restaurant today and apologize to this poor girl. She didn't deserve what he said to her. Just as the people at the restaurant that your BF went off on don't deserve his treatment of them. I would apologize to them, if I were you. And definitely dump this dude! He's bad news! Link to comment
metrogirl Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 There is no excuse for that kind of behavior and it makes it ten times worse when it's racially motivated. I'm glad to hear that you aren't putting up with that nonsense. He sounds like a bomb waiting to go off. Link to comment
Applewhite Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 If you can, you should also apologize (to everyone and not just the owner) in person. Poor them. Link to comment
turnera Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 My husband of 30 years is like your ex. It NEVER gets better, only worse. You are wise to dump him. Link to comment
nadid Posted March 18, 2010 Author Share Posted March 18, 2010 It's truly a mindtrip dealing with him. I need peace in my life and need him to go away. He went off on me yesterday, saying that I should be supportive of him, and I'm not a team player. I said what about my side of it, did you consider me at all when you did that? How about considering my relationship with them and deciding that the benefits of staying peaceful outweigh the costs of not. Nope, he didn't get it and is still blaming me that he can't trust me. I told him that I will never be able to support that behavior ...it goes against everything I've learned since early childhood, and that he can't undo 30 years of my life all because he wants support for something he knows was wrong. I'd rather be a "team" with someone who strives to be a better person. He is still fully justifying what he did, and on top of that he is twisting around what happened in his head and pretending that he did not make a racial slur. He had the audacity to change his story and say that when he said 'you can go back to where you came from' he meant their house instead of sitting in the restaurant. In the same breath he said he'd say it all over again and even break their nose if he had to. (How on earth we get breaking of noses because food is one minute late is beyond me! ) He thinks he's so slick and everyone is stupid except him. I agree with everyone that it will just get worse with him. I've seen him get worse in these 2 years. He is mentally and emotionally abusive towards me and has been getting worse wiht that. At first I second guessed myself all the time in the beginning of the relationship. He told me I was being too sensitive about stuff. Now he is just flat out disrespectful, dismissive of me, he ridicules, berates, mocks and criticizes me at least once per day. His treatment of me and now crazy treatment of people I like is the line drawn. It's over. He's a sad sad person with no self esteem who needs to make others feel bad in order for him to feel any worth for himself. I can't battle that. This dudes ideology is far different than mine! Link to comment
turnera Posted March 18, 2010 Share Posted March 18, 2010 So...you're leaving him, right? Link to comment
TN-Walker Posted March 18, 2010 Share Posted March 18, 2010 I agree with everyone that it will just get worse with him. I've seen him get worse in these 2 years. He is mentally and emotionally abusive towards me and has been getting worse wiht that. At first I second guessed myself all the time in the beginning of the relationship. He told me I was being too sensitive about stuff. Now he is just flat out disrespectful, dismissive of me, he ridicules, berates, mocks and criticizes me at least once per day. His treatment of me and now crazy treatment of people I like is the line drawn. It's over. He's a sad sad person with no self esteem who needs to make others feel bad in order for him to feel any worth for himself. I can't battle that. This dudes ideology is far different than mine! Wow, that sounds exactly like my soon-to-be ex-husband! Especially the needing to make other people feel bad in order to feel any worth for himself part. He would also tell me that I was too sensitive. (When I left, he told me that maybe he'll find someone new who isn't so sensitive. I just thought, good luck with that. I wish I could warn whoever she is before she gets involved with him.) Are you sure we're not talking about the same guy here? Actually, I think abusive people all have the same traits. Either that or they take classes in how to abuse people. Not sure which. You'll be better to be rid of him. No one deserves to be treated like that. Link to comment
nadid Posted March 18, 2010 Author Share Posted March 18, 2010 So...you're leaving him, right? I left him that same night. He keeps contacting me, trying to make me feel guilty and inadequate so I'll take him back. That isn't going to work on me! Link to comment
nadid Posted March 18, 2010 Author Share Posted March 18, 2010 Wow, that sounds exactly like my soon-to-be ex-husband! Especially the needing to make other people feel bad in order to feel any worth for himself part. He would also tell me that I was too sensitive. (When I left, he told me that maybe he'll find someone new who isn't so sensitive. I just thought, good luck with that. I wish I could warn whoever she is before she gets involved with him.) Are you sure we're not talking about the same guy here? Actually, I think abusive people all have the same traits. Either that or they take classes in how to abuse people. Not sure which. You'll be better to be rid of him. No one deserves to be treated like that. Thanks. It might as well be the same guy. They're all the same (abusers) Here's to finding good men!~ Link to comment
metrogirl Posted March 18, 2010 Share Posted March 18, 2010 I left him that same night. He keeps contacting me, trying to make me feel guilty and inadequate so I'll take him back. That isn't going to work on me! Good for you..... Link to comment
Applewhite Posted March 18, 2010 Share Posted March 18, 2010 I left him that same night. He keeps contacting me, trying to make me feel guilty and inadequate so I'll take him back. That isn't going to work on me! Good for you! God what a loser. Link to comment
turnera Posted March 18, 2010 Share Posted March 18, 2010 Good for you! While you're at it, get some books to read so you'll recognize the potential signs with the next guy before you invest too much time - remember that we typically keep seeking out the 'same' guy or girl. A great one, a bible really, is Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Bancroft. Awesome information. Other good ones are by Patricia Evans. Link to comment
Taikero Posted March 18, 2010 Share Posted March 18, 2010 Aside the obvious behavior, did anyone else notice that there's no possible way this guy has EVER cooked food before in his life? Link to comment
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