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Decision made to break up... now the logistics??


girlie353

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Hey everyone,

 

Long story short, I've been with my boyfriend for 5.5 years, living together for 5 years, and over the last 6-8 months I've been reevaluating the relationship, attending counselling sessions and have eventually come to the conclusion that he is not the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. He's not a bad person, there has been no abuse or cheating or anything like that, he's just different to me and I suppose doesn't respect me as much as I would expect and has no interests in life outside of crashing on the couch in front of the TV, which isn't enough of a life for me.

 

I'm comfortable with the decision I've made, and I feel that I have thought everything through and am confident that it's the right decision and not just a "grass is greener" impulse (which is what I was initially afraid of). But now my thoughts are turning to the actualities of ending a relationship where you live with your partner - how to go about it??

 

First of all, I won't be ending it for about 3 weeks - I got him tickets to a sports event for Christmas, which is happening over Easter, and which he has been very excited about, and the tickets are coming through a friend of mine so if we broke up now he really wouldn't be able to go. He hasn't really done anything too wrong or horrible to result in the decision to end the relationship, and he's not a bad person so I guess I just want him to go to this and enjoy it... before breaking his heart!

 

But after that I'm just not sure how to approach the whole thing...

 

The breakup itself - there's going to be no easy way to do it so I'm just going to have to pick a time and tell him that it's not working for me and I think we should call it a day. I honestly don't know how surprised he'll be - we went through a period of arguing a lot a few months back, and I wanted to go to couples counselling which he refused to do. Now we're not arguing so much but mainly because I've emotionally "checked out". I don't care enough to get angry with him any more so I'm just going about my business as usual. We're getting on fine in that we watch TV together, we joke about things, we talk about household things as normal etc - but we've stopped being affectionate, haven't had sex in at least 6 weeks, don't cuddle at all anymore on the couch or in bed, we don't even kiss any more - and we haven't talked about any of this (poor communication another huge reason I'm leaving him). He can be a bit oblivious sometimes so I'm really not sure what he's thinking about our behaviour towards each other lately - and so I'm not sure if he'll be surprised/angry/bitter/accepting/whatever.

 

I'm pretty much expecting him, however, to go cold and stony-faced as soon as I tell him it's over, he won't beg me to stay or anything like that - he'll probably just walk outside for a cigarette and that'll be the end of the conversation - and the relationship I suppose.

 

My first question is - is there any way I can plan the timing? He works a combination of day and night shifts, so I was thinking of telling him just before he goes on some night shifts - as I work days this would mean we could have a few days of not seeing each other at all so that he could have time to let it all sink in before I broach the topic of sleeping in separate bedrooms, handing in notice on our apartment, etc. What do you guys think?

 

My second question - how are breakups normally handled when you live together? We legally need to give the landlord 56 days notice, which would bring us to the beginning of June - I don't see how either one of us could move out before then when considering paying rent on two places, sorting out last bills, getting deposit back etc. but can't imagine what it would be like living together while going through it. I would be happy to stay in the spare room and could keep myself busy and avoid being home too much to stay out of his face (he doesn't have much of a social life) - do you guys think it could work that way? Any more suggestions based on experience?

 

Sorry for the long post but I'm just not sure of the best way to handle all this so any advice would be gratefully received...

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Why can't you break up with him now and still get the tickets for him as promised? It is unfair to continue on as is while he is none the wiser. You know now so do it now, don't wait three weeks. A common complaint of dumpees is how long the dumpers took to actually break up when they knew for a long time that they were planning on breaking things off. Talk to him now about it so that you can both figure out how to sort things out, including the tickets.

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I'm not sure I have an answer for you. I can relate my recent (10 days ago) experience. Maybe this will help you maybe it won't. I broke up with him after we had been living together at my place for 9 months, he didn't say a word at all, nothing, (and hasn't since) but he immediately gathered his stuff and left and he had nowhere to go. (I've been watching his dog for the past 10 days) and I still have no idea where he's been staying - he won't tell me.

 

I don't see how you could could possibly live together after you dump him - I could not imagine how that could possibly work at all. Just the 20 hours it took him to gather up his stuff and leave was a nightmare - as soon as you break up with him everything changes you might be surprised at how terrible it feels even though it is your decision to break it off. One of you needs to physically leave the apartment. Since you are breaking it off you probably should. If you want to be cheritible maybe agree to pay for part of the rent - but get out.

 

There is no perfect time to do it - I did it 1 weeks before his birthday (a timing decision I still wonder about) but 1 weeks after his birthday I thought would be worse. If you have made the decision do it soon

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Ya here is no perfect time here to break up with him. Do it now. As for the sporting tickets, break up with him and give him the tickets. Let him take someone else, or let him scalp em. You bought them for him. Its really not fair to subject him to another 3 weeks of a dead end relationship.

 

You just have to end it when he is at the place. It doesnt matter if hes working in 3 hours, or had a bad day and just got home. This whole situation will tear him apart internally. Its never a good time for a dumpee.

 

As for the living situation. As the dumper, you should probably try to find a place to stay. He will need space. Or he might want to go. I suggest that you offer to stay elsewhere but ask if he has a place that he wants to go to or if he wants to stay.

 

And living together after you end it - well thats going to be awkward. It doesnt usually work out.

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See the only thing about the tickets, they're season tickets for this football club and they come in the form of a card, like a credit card, rather than paper tickets. I'd be more than happy to give him the tickets if that were the case, but as it is, the guy who owns it needs to send me the card and then I need to send it back after the game - I know my boyfriend and I know that this would be too much hassle for him, or else he just wouldn't bother sending it back out of spite, or else he just wouldn't bother going on his own (it's in a different country so we have flights etc. booked and are staying with friends of mine). I'd really hate for him to miss this game because of me but that's what would happen if I broke up with him now.

 

As for the living situation - again, I would be happy to move out and find somewhere to stay - but I've always been the one to organize bills, make the phone calls to utility companies, deal with the landlord etc. - he avoids any "hassle" like the plague and TBH probably wouldn't know where to start. Would it not be worse for me to dump him and move straight out and leave him to deal with all the hassle of handing in notice and moving out?? Again, knowing him, I don't think staying here on his own or finding someone else to move in would be an option for him...

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