Give me any reason not to let my Ex's boss know I saw this email?

[squirl]

This is so tacky and lame but I seriously do not feel it is fair that I have to be the good person any more. I am just tired of carrying the truth around by myself and I feel like dumping it on other people for a change for them to deal with.

 

Brief background: my ex-BF has a very bossy female boss about my age. A few weeks before our breakup, I friended her on FB (she seemed friendly enough to me). Immediately I get a message "How are we not friends already? Such an oversight on my part! Let's have dinner or drinks with the troops and their girlfriends." I say "Great! Name the date." She sets up a date for a few weeks later.

 

The week of our dinner, I mail her asking when and where she wants to do dinner. She doesn't write back for a few days. In the meantime, things with my ex are getting more and more strained. He is up to all hours reading his Bberry, bringing it to bed, etc. I am upset and suffering from stress and insomnia, so I finally tell him I want to know what is so interesting about his Bberry that he will look at it for hours in bed and not speak to me. I pick it up right in front of him and he does not stop me. I see an email from his boss forwarding him an event. It says: "Wanna go to this? It looks like a great place to go shopping for a new green girlfriend if you wanted to find one. Good thing you don't!" They work at an eco-nonprofit.

 

Then she messages me like nothing happened, suggesting dinner and saying she;s looking forward!

 

I think the rest of this email - I doubt I will actually send it, just like to fantasize about it - explains itself:

 

"I don't know you very well, but I just wanted to tell you something because I am sick and tired of being the only one carrying these burdens and secrets inside of me.

 

The reason I canceled dinner that one time you set it up with X and me is that I saw the email you sent him about the Expo being a good place "to shop for a new new green girlfriend." I did not appreciate you writing that. I wonder how you would feel if your boyfriend's female boss sent him a similar email. I saw the message because he brought his phone into bed every night and sat there reading it in front of me. I am a human being, I pay the rent on my house, and at the time this happened, I shopped and paid for food, cooked dinner for us while Ex did his work and made lunch for him so he could work more. I thought I was supportive of your organization's mission by being supportive of Ex.

 

What a joke our relationship must have been to you and Ex. I was going through a very difficult time at work, Ex broke up with me right afterwards. I don't care any more about how this affects his work relationship with you because he absolutely does not care about me and my work. I have nothing invested in making Ex look good in front of you any more and vice versa.

 

I really cannot believe that people who claim to be so committed to "social good" treat the very people in their lives that care about them this way. Think about that next time you do work for a women's charity foundation. I was raised and educated to be truthful, and that charity begins at home. I do not think you acted very compassionately in sending an email making a joke about shopping for a new girlfriend while we are in a long time serious relationship. I would never do that to someone else, even if I really did not care for his girlfriend or wife. It is none of my business whether they want to cheat on their girlfriends emotionally, but I would never suggest shopping for a new one, even as a "GOOD THING YOU'RE NOT".

 

I don't know what your reaction will be or if you will even write me back. But I want you to know that I saw that email. It may be a distant memory to you, but I still think about it. I hope you will think twice in the future about what you write, because you never know where email is going to end up. It is none of my business how you run your life or your company, but I did not appreciate you talking about my personal relationship and suggesting you were going to help Ex shop for a new girlfriend.

 

I wish I never knew this, but the fact is I do, and I carry it around with me. I saw the email, it happened, it burdens me, and now you know what I know. If you have anything to say about me, I prefer you say it to my face directly."

 

I could tone it down, but honestly, is there any ethical reason not to let her know I saw what she wrote? She is in no position to help or hurt me, she apparently already has a low opinion of me as it is. I saw her the other week at a concert.

 

Why should I not let on to her? It's true. It makes me feel better. Seriously, I get sick of being the good person all the time and keeping up appearances for these phonies.

[hblakely]

i honestly think that if he is your ex now, then you shouldn't worry about it.

what she said might be suggestive and classless, but i don't think you should waste your time on a lost cause. maybe if he still was your boyfriend it would be appropriate to say something, but i don't think something to this extent would be the right thing to do. it seems like a bit of an over reaction.

 

i don't think its your problem anymore and it could benefit you to let it go.

 

sorry if this seems harsh, or if i didn't completely understand the post, but this is what i took from it.

 

i hope you figure things out soon! take care.

[squirl]

My ex and I are still in contact and in fact we date. We ran into his boss on our last date and she was with her boyfriend. I could tell she was weird and awkward.

 

She is in the same circles as me and I do not feel like being complicit in this backstabbing. I did nothing wrong, in fact I give to her organization's charity. I do not feel like sucking up to her any more. I want her to share this knowledge, just as she felt she could butt into my relationship.

 

Does that change what you think>

[squirl]

She said to me something like, "what is going on with you guys?" I said "we just saw a concert." Which was meant to be humorous because she just saw the same concert. She avoided talking to me and I got the feeling she wished I would just disappear and die.

 

Well I won't. I don't think she did me any favors and I do not see what is wrong with letting her know that if it makes me feel better/

[hblakely]

yes it did.

 

if i were you, and of course i am not so it's totally up to you, i would just send her a simple e-mail telling her that you don't appreciate the comment or any others like it for that matter, and that saying things like that could be considered disrespectful to you and aren't really for her to say.

 

i believe anything else in the letter, regarding anything but the comment she made could probably be left out, as some of it seems a bit irrelevant. again, this is just my opinion.

 

hope this helped.

[hblakely]

just by the way, if she did deserve the whole email, i think it was very nicely written and could put someone in their place quickly

[squirl]

Yes, that does help. Thanks for seeing it my way. I don't want to live in this resentful silence anymore, and I will seriously consider sending something short and to the point and let the chips fall where they may.

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and for your thoughts.

[squirl]

How would this be:

 

"The reason I canceled dinner that one time you set it up with X and me is that I saw the email you sent him about suggesting the Expo might be a good place "to shop for a new new green girlfriend."

 

I do not appreciate that you made that comment at that time or anything like that for that matter. Saying things like that knowing at the time we were in a serious long term relationship could be considered disrespectful to me and really weren't for you to say. Life goes on but you should know that I saw it. I hope you will think twice before you do anything like that again. If you have anything more to say about me, I prefer you say it to me directly."

[wgq]

^ it's still long enough and too nice for this woman. Send a very short message just like what hblakely wrote her post.

[wgq]

A one or two sentences message suffices.

[DN]

I think it would be a huge mistake to send that e-mail or anything like it - short or otherwise. It makes you look desperate over a lame joke and she would almost certainly show it to your ex.

[mgirl]

Hehe, i have just re-drafted it, editing a few of the parts that are heartfelt and make you sound like a victim.

 

Just remember, heartless people do NOT recognise INTEGRITY, so do not try to win an argument with them like that. They have no conscience, so appealing to their better nature will not work.

 

Narcissists and crowd pleasers like this respond to no-nonsense and direct communications only. Why? Because they're so spineless that they cannot possibly handle being confronted in an honest way.

"I don't know you very well, but I just wanted to tell you something because I am sick and tired of being the only one carrying these burdens and secrets inside of me.

 

The reason I canceled dinner that one time you set it up with X and me is that I saw the email you sent him about the Expo being a good place "to shop for a new new green girlfriend." I did not appreciate you writing that. I wonder how you would feel if your boyfriend's female boss sent him a similar email. I am a human being, I pay the rent on my house, and at the time this happened, I shopped and paid for food, cooked dinner for us while Ex did his work and made lunch for him so he could work more.

 

I really cannot believe that people who claim to be so committed to "social good" treat people. I was raised and educated to be truthful. Furthermore, I do not think you acted very compassionately in sending an email making a joke about shopping for a new girlfriend while we are in a long time serious relationship. I would never do that to someone else, even if I really did not care for his girlfriend or wife. It is none of my business whether they want to cheat on their girlfriends emotionally, but I would never suggest shopping for a new one, even as a "GOOD THING YOU'RE NOT".

 

I don't know what your reaction will be or if you will even write me back. But I want you to know that I saw that email. It may be a distant memory to you, but I still think about it. I hope you will think twice in the future about what you write, because you never know where email is going to end up. I did not appreciate you talking about my personal relationship and suggesting you were going to help Ex shop for a new girlfriend.

 

If you have anything to say about me, I prefer you say it to my face directly."

 

In a way though, can you be bothered?

 

Leave these plebs to themselves

[1guygirl]

squirl, i think when you already saw her at the concert, she knew deep down her faux pas...i think thats justification enough. however, i know i would be tempted in your shoes to let her know that you knew what she sent and she wasnt cool

 

you are right about some of these 'do-gooders' ...they lay down all these values but show little respect for others...they are jus ego maniacs who look down and sneer at those they perceive to be not worthy, and once you have their number they are easy to spot and avoid like the plague...shake your head at them with a wry smile, cos they are pretty much pathetic. (ive just had a rant on FB recently calling out a few of the spiritual gandhis that treat peeps likeetc etc

[iBroken]

I personally would not be sending this email

 

As DN says, it will make you look pretty desperate over a very lame joke. If she can joke like that with your BF, she will surely have a good laugh with him over this email. Or gossip about it at the very least.

 

I think the responsibility lays in the hands of your boyfriend. Really, if he wasnt looking for a new girlfriend (although, for his boss to say this implies he has been talking about your relationship while at work), he should have said something to her either via email or in the office about not looking for anyone and being content with what he has.

 

I think there is a bigger picture here that isnt being posted, or hasnt been seen by yourself just yet. Im not sure that his boss is the guilty party. She can only go by information given from him IMO.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I completely agree with this post. The problem is not the boss, it is your ex, with whom you are still socializing with and still dating. For his boss to send him something like this, it is clear she got prompting from him....it didn't just come off the top of her head. There must have been conversations that he was not happy in the relationship. To send a letter to his boss would be way out of line and will make you look very bad. The person you should be upset with is your ex, the one who you are still dating, because it sounds like he may have been the instigator.

[I_Speak_Jive]

I see an email from his boss forwarding him an event. It says: "Wanna go to this? It looks like a great place to go shopping for a new green girlfriend if you wanted to find one. Good thing you don't!" They work at an eco-nonprofit.

 

Which part of the bolded bit did you not understand? His mate/boss is specifically stating in an email that your then bf was NOT looking for anyone else at the moment.

 

And now you want to go ballistic over an email that was a) NOT sent to you and therefore b) completely unrelated to you.

 

You don't like your ex's boss, I get that. You don't have to. But a bit less huffing and puffing over imagined personal affronts will do you a lot of good now that you are supposed to be healing after your break-up.

[iBroken]

^ LOL - Good eye.....I totally missed the "Good thing you dont" bit.

 

But my post still stands - dont send it - especially now LOL

[squirl]

Thanks ENA for all the responses. It is good to be heard.

 

Very much to think about. Like I said, it is more of a fantasy. The title of this thread is to give me a reason not to let her know I saw it. And I got a few, which I knew I would.

 

1guygirl, you are right about her discomfort at the concert and the crowd mentality. Thanks for recognizing that. I just wanted someone to validate that.

 

As for the "GOOD THING YOU'RE NOT," I understood that. I'm not stupid. What part of "even as a joke" do you not understand? The point is about having secrets, private jokes that diminish how seriously the relationship is taken. And what do you do when you see that is happening. I do think it makes things more difficult when the secrets start and your boyfriend's boss gangs up, and feels ok writing about you as replaceable behind your back -- even in jest -- just as you are trying to be friendly and get to know her better. It is backhanded and shows disrespect to suggest that she has found a great place to "shop" for a new girlfriend, even as a joke. But I agree, calling her out on it is not the way to anything. She knows, and I know, and he knows I know. She doesn't need to expressly know I know.

 

You are right, the responsibility is/was primarily with my ex. He had a way of sabotaging things when he felt his worlds colliding or whatever.

 

It is an issue I/we have been recently dealing with. We've been in NIC awhile, though I told him we're not buddies. He's actually changed for the better in how he treats me in some ways. We can talk about that more if anyone cares.

 

And also, thanks to those who gave serious advice and did not "LOL" at my issues. I think it proves my point that many people write and joke about things in an online medium that are not funny to the person they are about.

[iBroken]

Well since im the only one that put LOL in my posts, it was not directed to you or your situation.

 

I was LOL'ing at my expense as I clearly missed the "Good thing you dont" point and wrote my response based on not seeing that statement......