amandamarie Posted March 13, 2010 Share Posted March 13, 2010 Okay guys, I need your help again. It’s been awhile since I’ve posted about my situation here! For those who don't remember my situation, I was with my ex 4 years, he broke up with me almost 9 months ago, and moved 15 hours away to be with his family. There are lots of threads on here where you can find all the crazy details. Suffice it to say, we stayed in contact, with him initiating all of it, for most of the time, but with some LC/NC throughout. For the last month or two, I have really been just focusing on moving on completely and doing good. I haven’t talked with him at all, and barely texted, except some texts about house-related stuff, since we own a house together. The last week has been rather strange. He sent me email earlier this week and ended things with “love.” Now, you don’t know my ex, but lets just say he is NOT emotional at all and he never even did that to me ever when we were together. So I thought, well that’s strange, but tried not to read too much into it. He also did a couple other things that I will not go into here, but I could tell he was thinking about me from that. A few days ago, he tells me he wants to talk, and asks if he can call. We talk, just catching up on things since its been a long time since we talked. He goes on to tell me how much he has changed and how he has been working on himself. He mentions he felt like both of us had needed to grow up, and also that I sound happier now. He mentions how he misses things, saying we were best friends for 4 years, and wishes we live closer together. He is constantly asking me too if I have a boyfriend, but I didn’t answer that. Since then, he has been texting me a lot as well. I am confused with all this. I am still continuing to move on, but I am wondering what the deal is really. I’m not quite sure how to handle it, or what he could be thinking. I honestly think the distance is really keeping him from taking the next step. That is just my gut feeling speaking. I believe for the most part that people will be with you if they want you to be - but this is a difficult situation due to distance. He is in school and works, and I have a good job here. The distance is not an obstacle for me though, I would be willing to visit him to see how things go and I am sure he knows this - but I think he views the distance as insurmountable so why bother, and I wish there was something I could do to change that opinion. I would love to get a male’s perspective on all of this, but I welcome all opinions! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brownstone322 Posted March 13, 2010 Share Posted March 13, 2010 A few days ago, he tells me he wants to talk, and asks if he can call. We talk, just catching up on things since its been a long time since we talked. He goes on to tell me how much he has changed and how he has been working on himself. He mentions he felt like both of us had needed to grow up, and also that I sound happier now. He mentions how he misses things, saying we were best friends for 4 years, and wishes we live closer together. He is constantly asking me too if I have a boyfriend, but I didn’t answer that. Since then, he has been texting me a lot as well. A male's perspective? You can take this one little observation as if it came down from a mountaintop on stone tablets: Guy's are pretty simple. They're not that hard to read. He misses you, and he's trying to weasel his way back into your life. Gotta start somewhere, and that's probably his start. Great move, by the way, on evading the "new boyfriend" question. Let the guy wonder. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted March 13, 2010 Share Posted March 13, 2010 Don't you start this girlie! I've been following your threads and I'll stay on the same track I've always been on. You need to make one definitive statement letting him know not to contact you unless he wants to get back together and then disappear. Otherwise, you are going to be where you are ... wondering what this or that means. Let me put it plainly since I'm a big fan of yours. He lost out when he left. He lost out when he moved away. And he lost out when he ended things with you. So for you to sit here and entertain the idea of WORKING HARDER than him to salvage this is not the right way to go to me. If HE views the distance as a barrier, it is a barrier of his own creation. You should not even lift a finger to try to hop on a flight to see a guy who isn't your bf. Forwards, Amanda, not backwards. I don't think this contact is helping you. And I was really hoping that by now you would be dating some other nice gentleman. That's my biased view, since I think he needs to do the work to get you back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amandamarie Posted March 14, 2010 Author Share Posted March 14, 2010 Thanks guys! Brownstone, I know I tend to complicate things! I analyze way to much, so sometimes it is good to get the straightforward truth about guys Lol, Ms. Darcy - I agree with a lot of what you are saying. He does need to put in the effort, and I really do believe that. He moved away because he truly missed his family and friends so much and did not like living in the area of the country that I live in. I have come to realize in the last few months, that we would have never had made it if we had not broken up. I had my own issues I needed to sort out, and he did too, and I didn't see it until fairly recently. Being honest, I would have never sorted my issues out in ANY relationship (with him or anyone else) unless I was alone for awhile. This was my first real relationship, and his too, so I do think sometimes breaking up is needed to help you get things straight in a relationship. I am not saying that is what is going to happen here, but I guess I am saying that he was not all to blame like maybe I had thought before. You are right though, I really should not stress about this. I am doing really good these days actually, and am "out there" with other guys so to speak, but was just wondering how to take all this, and seeing the type of advice everyone would have! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adviseseeker Posted March 14, 2010 Share Posted March 14, 2010 Oooo this is interesting...and 9 months already now? He's lucky you don't have a boyfriend! Hmm maybe he will step it up now that you've left him wondering about that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amandamarie Posted March 14, 2010 Author Share Posted March 14, 2010 So last night, he ends up calling me again. I was out at that point, but when I got in I texted him back saying sorry I missed his call and then he called me back. Once again, the conversation was interesting. Most of the time, we were just talking and gossiping. But once again, he would say stuff like “well what would your new boyfriend think of that”, things like that. We were talking about everything, and then he says, “we always have so much fun together.” And then he talks about how he misses doing some of the things we used to do together (some activities we did together) and that doing the activities aren’t the same with someone else. He keeps saying, I don’t know why you didn’t make these changes while we were still together (the ones I needed to make), I guess your new guy will benefit, and that he hates be the training wheels for some other relationship. I wasn’t quite sure what to say to that, but I did point out that he broke up with me, so that was a choice that he had made, and that he had made changes to. We talked a long time, and when we got off the phone, he sent me a text telling me how nice it was to talk, and that he had missed it. I guess my fear is that I don’t think I want to talk to him quite THIS much if it isn’t going anywhere other than friends. I mean, I am at the point that I can talk to him some as a friend and be okay, but probably not this much. I am wondering if I should just ride this out for a little while, see how things play out, and whether he invites me/comes here to see me soon. If that doesn’t happen, then obviously things aren’t going anywhere. What do you guys think about this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brownstone322 Posted March 14, 2010 Share Posted March 14, 2010 He keeps saying, I don’t know why you didn’t make these changes while we were still together (the ones I needed to make), I guess your new guy will benefit, and that he hates be the training wheels for some other relationship. This part bugs me a little. How 'bout changes on his part? Did he talk about that? I am wondering if I should just ride this out for a little while, see how things play out, and whether he invites me/comes here to see me soon. If that doesn’t happen, then obviously things aren’t going anywhere. What do you guys think about this? I'd ride it out a bit longer, but I'm pretty sure he wants to make a proposition, but he's afraid that the "new boyfriend" precludes that. It's not too different from when I have interest in someone new -- I really wanna know if she's already taken; if so, I'm gonna look elsewhere. Even though I said it was good to be cagey, don't do it forever. At some point you might concede that you're available, then see if he steps up. Life's about risks, girl, and you're gonna have to give a little if you wanna get. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted March 14, 2010 Share Posted March 14, 2010 This part bugs me a little. How 'bout changes on his part? Did he talk about that? I'd ride it out a bit longer, but I'm pretty sure he wants to make a proposition, but he's afraid that the "new boyfriend" precludes that. It's not too different from when I have interest in someone new -- I really wanna know if she's already taken; if so, I'm gonna look elsewhere. Even though I said it was good to be cagey, don't do it forever. At some point you might concede that you're available, then see if he steps up. Life's about risks, girl, and you're gonna have to give a little if you wanna get. Although I respect Brownstone's opinions, I happen to disagree. I think he's been stringing you along from the beginning. He's been talking to you like you are a step lower than him (e.g. why didn't you make these changes before). Maybe he wants to weasel his way back. If so, you can let him know you don't have a bf and see what he does from there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brownstone322 Posted March 14, 2010 Share Posted March 14, 2010 Wait a second. That's what I said! (Or at least I think I did. (And the verb "weasel" is definitely in order.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adviseseeker Posted March 14, 2010 Share Posted March 14, 2010 Haha yes I agree too. Also, if you wanted to basically lie...you can tell him your new boyfriend isn't working out or it's not serious and isn't going anywhere Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted March 14, 2010 Share Posted March 14, 2010 Wait a second. That's what I said! (Or at least I think I did. (And the verb "weasel" is definitely in order.) Sorry, I should have added that I don't really think she should tell him anything though and that she should cut him off. He's been getting his Amanda fix for 9 months. Sorry Brown! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
atelis Posted March 14, 2010 Share Posted March 14, 2010 although you have been broken up for 9 months, 6 of that was full of back and forth texts and contact and childish nonsense on his part. I think you need to go with your instincts here, but Ms Darcy is right. The fear i have is that the sort of fear your ex has is not overcome in 3 months.......what changes has he really made to his life in order to deal with his fear of intimacy? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amandamarie Posted March 14, 2010 Author Share Posted March 14, 2010 This part bugs me a little. How 'bout changes on his part? Did he talk about that? I'd ride it out a bit longer, but I'm pretty sure he wants to make a proposition, but he's afraid that the "new boyfriend" precludes that. It's not too different from when I have interest in someone new -- I really wanna know if she's already taken; if so, I'm gonna look elsewhere. Even though I said it was good to be cagey, don't do it forever. At some point you might concede that you're available, then see if he steps up. Life's about risks, girl, and you're gonna have to give a little if you wanna get. Yeah I agree, it bugged me too when he said that and I definitely let him know it too. He did talk about several changes too on his partthat I just don't want to go into here, but he said that he would have got his crap sorted out eventually even if we were together, but that he had been going through a rough time then. I'm not sure I agree with that, that he would have been able to sort it out without breaking up, but that is his opinion anyway. I did let him know that I was dating people, but nothing exclusive. I think I did a pretty good job letting him know that I am not sitting around the house all the time pining for him anymore. Now that he knows that, he has to be the one to suggest the next step if he wants to take it further. I am trying to just let things be and go with the flow, but still continuing to pursue other interests as well. Although I respect Brownstone's opinions, I happen to disagree. I think he's been stringing you along from the beginning. He's been talking to you like you are a step lower than him (e.g. why didn't you make these changes before). Maybe he wants to weasel his way back. If so, you can let him know you don't have a bf and see what he does from there. Yeah, I'm not gonna lie - who knows, this could be the case. I do think he strung me along earlier, because he was confused, but that doesnt make it any easier or more justifiable. I feel it is different now for some reason, but you could be right. I guess only time and effort on his part will tell. The fear i have is that the sort of fear your ex has is not overcome in 3 months.......what changes has he really made to his life in order to deal with his fear of intimacy? Yes this is true too, and I agree. I would not even think of just jumping back in to a relationship. I am past the stage where it would be that easy for me to just jump in blindly. If we did try again, it would have to be very slow, and he would have to demonstrate to me that changs on his part had been made as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amandamarie Posted March 19, 2010 Author Share Posted March 19, 2010 Just thought I would update this...well after the multiple conversations and many texts last week, I haven't heard from him at all really since talking Sat. nite. Oh, except I did get a HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY text! Yeah, so I am pretty ticked at him right now. I did give him a little crap after the text because he talks about how much he misses me and stuff but doesn't even have the decency to send a text or call on my birthday? Yeah, I am really feeling the warmth here. Is this just a guy thing about b-days not being improtant? I don't know, but it really bothers me. I have been doing good but I have to admit the lack of acknowledgement on my birthday really hurt. Anyways, I need to just wake up here I guess. Just felt like venting tonight Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted March 19, 2010 Share Posted March 19, 2010 So ... this is the trouble with talking to the ex. You are expecting things from him when you shouldn't. No, he doesn't owe you a b-day text. You are basing your annoyance off of his "I miss yous" ... believing it should mean X when it means Y. Weren't you saying you could talk to him and not really care too much? Are you willing to retract that statement? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amandamarie Posted March 19, 2010 Author Share Posted March 19, 2010 Lol so maybe you caught me a little Ms. Darcy with that statement!! I think I can talk to him some, but probably not nearly as much as I did last week. But the text...honestly, I think I would have thought he would have sent me that regardless, because we have always been on pretty good terms. You are right, he doesn't OWE me a b-day text, but I guess I just expected it since we are not on bad terms. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amandamarie Posted March 19, 2010 Author Share Posted March 19, 2010 Oh, but I will add...that talking to him last week probably made me NOT getting the text even more disappointing than it would have been otherwise! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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