This girl likes my boyfriend...

[mousey789]

There's this new girl at my boyfriend's work. I'm not really worried about him cheating on me with her. She's really just not his type at all, and I trust him. But she either texts him or calls him almost everyday, sometimes both, just to see what he's doing or when he's going to be working. Its really annoying. At one point, he was going to ask to her to hang out to introduce her to a friend of ours he was going to hook her up with. That friend ended up not coming so my bf canceled the plans, but she still wanted to hang out anyway. She knows he has a girlfriend, and I think he's made it clear that he's not interested in her. He doesn't say much when he responds to her texts or calls, and always finds an excuse to end the conversation and doesn't call her back. And he never initiates any of it. Plus he always spends most, if not all, of his break time on the phone with me instead of talking to her. I've let him know that I don't like what she's doing, but I can't just tell him not to talk to her. They work together. And I don't like to be the jealous type. Plus, he never lies about when he's been talking to her when I ask. I don't know what to do about this. Should I just ignore it? I trust him and all... but its possible he might be leaving out some details of their conversations and may be egging her on, although I honestly don't think that's the case. Should I tell him to just be direct with her and tell her to stop talking to him outside of work all the time, or confront her myself. I've been thinking about just going to visit him at work during his break when she's there and just see how both of them act. He has several other close female friends that don't bother me at all and that I get along great with, and they don't flirt with him. But I'm worried that pretty much anything I do is going to make me look like the crazy controlling girlfriend or something, and I don't want that.

[Sanesoul]

Why does she have his phone number?

[HeartGoesOn]

If you trust him, you'll trust that he won't be swayed by her behaviour. How long have you been together?

 

And, Insaneheart has a good question, why does he have her phone number?

[sidehop]

Maybe he's too nice? Is she just that pushy? You could always kindly ask her to stop calling him next time she calls you happen to pick up. The girl obviously needs to show some respect.

[stormgurl10]

trust is a major issue. if this bugs you this bad you dont trust him completely. i think you might worry more about her because you dont really know her

[mousey789]

Thanks for the responses. We've been together for nearly 6 months now. And its possible he is too nice. He's a very sociable and outgoing person. Insane Heart does have a good point though. He says that pretty much everyone at work as each other's phone numbers, but I don't think thats true. He has a few of his friends from theres' numbers, but there are plenty of people there whose numbers I'm sure he doesn't have. And his roommate, who also works there, says this girl pretty much only ever talks to my boyfriend when she's there. I think maybe answering some time when she calls might be a good idea, but I dunno if that might be going a tad too far?

[Sanesoul]

Your boyfriend should be the one to stand up to her. This is making you uncomfortable and he knows this. If he's "too nice" then he needs to decide if letting this girl do these things is worth having problems with you.

[alli]

Why does she have his phone number?

 

Good question. He doesn't have to tell her they can't talk at all, but he CAN tell her she needs to lay off calling him so much & only call about something urgent at work.

 

Another thing you could do is answer his phone sometimes when he calls (if your bf is cool with that). Not to say anything nasty to her, but to let her know that you definitely exist, are in his presence & bring to her attention that any call or text she makes, you may see or hear it.

 

So it goes like this:

 

Ring ring

You: hello?

Her: Oh hi. I was calling to talk to Josh

You: Yeah he can't make it to the phone right now. Do you have a message I can give him?

Her: Oh no, it's just some work stuff (most likely)

You: Well, I'll let him know you called.

 

Nothing threatening or defensive. Just a regular call. Maybe it will make her realize "oh yeah, I suppose she IS actually around"

 

However, if your bf doesn't want to say anything to her to back off & doesn't want you to talk to her, perhaps he is enjoying the attention & not interested in making it stop? Just a thought.

[HeartGoesOn]

I think that she has his phone number because he wants her to have it.

 

It's entirely his job to put her in her place, not yours. If she's crossing the line, and causing problems in your relationship, that's also his job to put a stop to it. I hate to say this, but he may be enjoying the attention that she's showing him. I hope this isn't the case, but I would keep my eyes open if I were in your shoes.

[sidehop]

Maybe it's only been six months and maybe he's being nice but if he made it clear that he's involved and not interested yet this girl keeps calling I would be offended, annoyed at least. If she doesn't understand that boundary then she needs to be told.

[owl27]

Let me start by saying that there's no such thing as "not his type." I'm not trying to make you paranoid, but I think it's good for people to be aware that you can never predict another person's attraction to someone else. There are all kinds of reasons for cheating and it is RARELY because the other person was better looking than the significant other.

Also, I think a lot of women (unfortunately) try to "be cool" and let their guys have "girl friends" because they don't want to appear "crazy" but I don't think that's a good idea. I don't mean that they can't talk to other women and interact at work or in GROUP situations. But there are very few scenarios where it's "cool" for a guy in a relationship to have a close friendship with another women, especially when there's a lot of texting, calling, and emailing involved. Reason being, that's all very "one on one."

Whether or not he is initiating, he is at minimum accepting her communications, so I would be concerned about his level of respect for you. Also, I would question why this girl isn't respecting your relationship with him.

Is he sending her strong signals that he is in a solid relationship?

He should respond to her calls/texts by saying "Hey, I'm kinda busy right now. My girlfriend and I are having dinner."

I agree with the other posters that it's HIS responsibility to take care of this--not yours. That will also send her--and you--a strong message that he is with you and not open to this type of relationship with her.

[RipTideRush]

As bad as this sounds, your boyfriend just needs to not text her back. She will eventually get the hint.

 

This shouldnt be awkward at work either, if she asks him he simply could say "oh I was busy" or "oh I dont know"

[red.ribbon]

I would be feeling exactly the same!

 

But also in his shoes, I would find it hard to just come out and say to someone "Uh, please cut back on calling me, ok?"

 

Maybe talk to him and say that you feel a little uneasy about how often this woman contacts him. See what he says...

 

He will most likely say "I can't just tell her not to call" in which you can reply "Maybe I could answer next time, or you could ignore her sometimes, just to give her the hint!"

[mousey789]

Those are all valid points. And one thing that bothers me is that one time when I was hanging out with him and she started texting him, he was hinting that he didn't want to talk to her anymore by saying that he 'was tired and going to bed.' I believe a much better thing for him to say would have been that he was spending time with his girlfriend. And he also didn't mention me at all once when she called and I was sitting right there. Those things are a little worrisome. I've told him I don't like it, but I think I maybe I just need to be more direct and really talk to him about it. Because if this continues, its going to cause problems between us. It may be a little awkward for him to tell her that he wants her to stop contacting him so often, but I don't see why maintaining contact with some temporary casual friend he claims to not even like would be worth jeopardizing our relationship. Is that unreasonable? Like I said, he has a handful of very close girl friends he talks to regularly that don't bother me at all, its just this one because I know she likes him.

[alli]

I don't see what's so awkward & difficult about telling someone you have a gf & they need to back off. I think he just doesn't do it because he either likes her or likes the attention, or both.

[owl27]

Mousey, it sounds like you're really getting stronger and that's great! Being direct with a man is EXACTLY the way to go. They don't understand hints (usually) and they don't like whining (ever).

Alli, thanks for saying that. Helllllooooo! It shouldn't be awkward for anyone of any age to tell someone that their texts/calls are unwanted or excessive or inappropriate.

It does sound a little like he wants the attention or something more, unfortunately. However, even if nothing is going on, this is about respect for the girlfriend and the relationship. One or two calls or texts which are brief and work-related = ok. Texting and calling just to ask how he's doing = something fishy.

[geekgirl4]

Sounds like your boyfriend is one of those too super nice people. You should let him know it's possible to tell someone to call you less without sounding rude. If anything, the girl is being rude by calling him all the time when he's got a girlfriend. I think going to visit him randomly might come off as a check up visit to see if your bf is behaving. I wouldn't go unless there is a legitimate excuse (he forgot something). I would trust him and let him know he should ask her to call him a bit less because it is uncomfortable.

 

I don't think you're being crazy controlling. Being crazy controlling is telling him to stop all contact with her. I think it's very reasonable to ask him to talk to her about calling him nonstop and ask her to ease down on it

[FarthestEdge]

I'd invite her out with the two of you. Befriend her, and be your most secure, sociable you...be annoyingly perfectly nice. Let her know through your actions and attitude that you are not the least bit threatened by her.

 

Aww, look at that, isn't she precious? She thinks she can steal my boyfriend...kind of thing.

 

Personally, I'd almost pity her. As much as I have NO respect for slappers who think it's ok to pursue someone else's partner, I also think it's sad when they apparently can't take the hint, and move on to someone more available. It's almost like their sense of self-worth is so off-kilter that the only way they can feel good about themselves is to try to get a guy to choose them over his gf- and they will degrade themselves to no end to do it...

 

If you trust your bf, ignore her, or say "well obviously you like hanging around her at work, so let's invite her to the movies with us & our friends, I'd like to get to know her..."

 

In fact, the next time she calls would be a good time to do that. While he's talking to her say "Is that Rebecca? Why don't you tell her to come over/meet us at XYZ bar/..."

 

Edit to add: I just re-read your original post. There's nothing in there that clearly indicates that she likes him in a romantic way....It could be that she just thinks he's a cool guy and wants to be friends. I have had plenty of male friends as various jobs that had no romantic element to them at all..

 

Another reason to get to know her. You may be misinterpreting her. If you get to know her, you might even discover that SHE'S not trying to interfere with your relationship, but your bf just hasn't established the boundaries you would like him to have. In that case, she's done nothing to earn your ire. If I am wrong about this, then my initial comments stand, but from what I've read, the only thing you are using to infer that she is after him romantically, is that she's female. How would you feel if this was a guy friend???

 

I don't know. I think you get to know her yourrself, and THEN you can judge her intentions...

[teabee]

There's a girl that likes my bf (brings him small presents for christmas, birthday, valentine's day, EVERYTHING) and it makes me very uncomfortable even though the rest of her behaviour is ok (no blatant flirting and she doesn't call him that much or anything). So I can only imagine how much more uncomfortable it would make me if she was acting more like the girl in your situation with your bf. I understand how unsettling and irritating that must be for you.

 

I'm not really wondering why they have each other's phone number. I have guy friends. I have their phone numbers. I will text or call when I have something to say (checking in with them briefly, or sending them a thank you text for something, etc). My boyfriend also has friends that are girls, and they keep in touch that same way. I think it's more the WAY this girl is calling and texting your boyfriend, OP, and the extent of their contact that is the issue, not the fact that they have each other's number.

 

Like some posters have said, I agree that it's your boyfriend's responsibility to put this in its place. He's being too nice, which is...nice...but that is probably giving her just the right amount of encouragement to keep at it. Do you think he would feel comfortable simply laying out the situation as it is? He could tell her kindly and clearly that he enjoys her friendship but hopes she is not looking for more since nothing will EVER happen because he has a girlfriend he loves.

[owl27]

I think a couple things are interesting here...One is that some posters are saying your boyfriend is being too nice. Well, imo he's not being very nice to the one person he should be nice to--his girl friend! I'm not saying he's doing anything wrong necessarily but he is being more considerate of the texter's feelings than yours, it seems.

I agree with the poster who said people who "go after" someone unavailable (and don't give up easily) have low self esteem. I agree with that 100%. At a time when I was in a bad place, I have had an attraction to someone and let me say that ONE of the reasons I let myself start having those feelings is that he never wore a wedding ring and didn't talk very positively about his wife. If he had started to wear one and/or said many wonderful things about his marriage and/or his wife came by work for a visit, I would have lost my attraction to him very quickly.

Please don't misunderstand--I didn't chase this guy, just had a strong attraction. I am not excusing any stupid decision I made or blaming anyone.

I am just pointing out ways that a person in a committed relationship can send out strong signals to put a damper on anyone who may be interested.

[mousey789]

Thanks, guys. Your comments have been pretty helpful. And yeah, his personality is the type that does like a lot of attention, but I don't believe that actually means he would go behind my back. And from what I can tell, her contact has seemed to die down on its own and I think she's just taken the hints. Its still a bit soon to tell, but since nothings been happening recently I don't want to bring the subject up out of the blue and seem paranoid. I think right now I just need to be aware, and if these things start and continue to keep happening again soon, I'll be more direct about it.

[Irish Jax]

I was in a similar situation. My boyfriend (whom I trust completely) goes to school with a girl who has a crush on him. In the beginning, when he would tell me about their conversations and what she would say to him. It was blantanly obvious to me she liked him. I pointed this out to him.

 

At first, he thought I was mistaken and argued with me that she just considered them to be friends because she had a boyfriend It caused a lot of fights because I just wanted him to see what I saw in that she liked him.

 

Eventually, he came to the same conclusion that I did and this made me happy because it is not that I wanted him to stop talking to her, I just wanted him to be aware that he could be leading her on and I was tired of him defending her to me that she considered them friends.

 

He backed off a lot and maintains a friendship with her, but he is very aware of it.

 

I would just tell your boyfriend that it is clear the girl has a thing for him. And its not you do not want him to be friends with her, it is just that another girl likes him and that makes you a little uneasy. I expressed the same thing to my boy in that I trust him completely and could care less if they are friends, but that she does like him and he should be aware of that.

 

It has worked out nicely because he backed off because he doesnt want to lead her on.

[SeekingWisdom]

I had a situation that was similar to yours. When the girl kept calling and texting I eventually had really had it after a couple of weeks. What really tore it was when we were on a mini-vacation that was supposed to be just for us and everyone knew that we were out of town for it(My bf, the girl who was calling/texting constantly, and I all worked together so she did know cuz I had made a point to casually mention it to her the day before we left). Well we were eating breakfast in a nice little restraunt planning our day together and she calls. My poor bf was staring at the phone and looked uncertain. So I asked if I could answer it and I promised to be nice. He said okay and handed it to me. As soon as she heard my voice on the line she went from bubbly to cautious. I explained that he wasn't available at the moment because we are out of town and in the middle of breakfast but I'd let him know she called and he would get back to her on Monday when we get back. I was nice and she got the point. She quit calling after that but would occasionally text him which I was okay with as long as it wasn't excessive and too personal.

 

Maybe that kind of thing could work for you? Just be nice and confident. Maybe she just needs to hear or see for herself that you're really in the picture. Some women just don't get it otherwise. Good luck with whatever you decide to do!