I need your feedback on this situation.

[Mauxly]

So here is the deal. I’ve lived in the same duplex of and on for the past 16 years (moved away, came back). I got my neighbor a his place next to me about 7 years ago. He’s an old friend and we’ve always gotten along really well. I try my best to be a good neighbor: I shovel his walks, watch out for his dogs, am pretty darn nice and helpful. Now he pretty much hates me.

 

I smoke, let’s not get into what a disgusting habit it is. I’m not asking you if I should quit. This isn’t what it is about. I’ve smoked as long as I’ve lived there and have known him. I like to smoke on my front porch which is about 25 feet away from his front door. It has never been an issue before.

 

Last year he got a girlfriend (whom I’ve always gotten along with) and they had a baby. Last summer my neighbor raged out of his house and tore into me for smoking on my front porch. He railed on me! Yelling because it was going in his windows and the second hand smoke was bad for his pregnant girlfriend. I let him calm down a bit and went over there to discuss it with him. We agreed that during the summer months, when they had their windows open, I would smoke out back. I hate smoking back there, it is where they and the other neighbors let their dogs poop, and even without that, it’s just not a nice place to hang out, so yeah, I’m totally bummed and kind of resentful that I can’t smoke on the property that I pay for without having a super angry neighbor. But as a compromise I’m willing to do it. We agreed that in the winter time, when his windows are closed, I could still smoke on my front porch because that has covering that keeps the snow off me.

 

So last week, I’m smoking on my front porch during a snowstorm and his girlfriend comes out and rips into me. She’s upset because sometimes when she walks out of her house she can smell smoke and it really bothers her. At this time I dig in my heals and explain that I pay full rent and I’d compromised but that they are being ridiculous and I’m not going to go out back and be snowed on.

 

Now they aren’t speaking to me and are being total jerks. I can’t wait for them to move out.

 

Am I totally wrong here? What should I do?

[Catdancer]

You have compromised with them and they continue to push you. You should stand your ground and smoke your ciggy on your own front porch. If it's such a bad smell, they can use their back door and wade through the dog poop to get there.

 

(I'm a smoker too...you are not the only one!! lol)

[russ978]

You ignore them.

 

If they don't want to approach and handle a situation that they have a problem with as adults, you don't respect their position.

 

Do what you're going to do, they're also renters and have no say whatsoever on what you do. It is none of their business, if they try to complain at you again, tell them to mind their own business, finish your smoke, and go inside.

[guynextdoor]

Your neighbor is nuts. You are not smoking in their apartment, you are smoking on YOUR front porch. They can't tell you what you could and can't do on your porch. Thats insane, tell them to close the window/door and stfu.

[DN]

Check your local by-laws - even though you are smoking on your own front porch the smoke is entering their property and there may be a prohibitive by-law against it. Or it may be covered under nuisance by-laws. Don't be too sure that you are in the legal right until you have checked.

[Mauxly]

Thanks for the feedback. I'm trying to be compassionate about it. I know it is stressful to have a new child and they happen to be super holistic types who are very sensitive about what the baby is exposed to. I figure as parents, that is their right and I'm trying to work with them. Not to mention that I feel a bit guilty that my habit is affecting them.

 

But yeah, I think it is out of control at this point. I tend to have great relationships with the people around me, so I'm really sad that at this point there is animosity. Ugh...I used to be happy to see them! Now every time I see them they shoot me the stink eye, when I say 'Hi' they just grunt, "Hi" back. They seriously act like they hate me. And we've got mutual friends that aren't talking to me much anymore, so I have no idea what is being said but I kind of figure that if those mutual friends were really friends, they’d come talk to me about it, so letting that part go.

 

I just want them to move. I'm so sorry I let gave him that place so many years ago (the one he's living in used to be mine).

[abitbroken]

They have no right to be jerks...but...

 

Can you smoke on your back porch or a balcony just to keep the peace and make it easier for you to co-exist for your neighbors right now? Or can you control your smoking so you aren't hanging out there at the times they are getting out the door in the morning or the main times they come home? There is also the idea about hearing them on the inside about to come out, and stepping off the porch a few feet so that you aren't puffing in their faces. Walk to the side of the house or stand in the yard. This way, you are being gentlemanly about it, and then return to the porch when they are in their car, etc.

 

I am sure that pregnancy and subsequent baby have made them even more sensitive to it agreement or no. I think talking to the neighbors calmly rather than in the heat of the moment or doing these small things will do more good here than being cavalier and doing it on purpose more when they are there more. Also, maybe as a smoker you don't realize this but sometimes smoke smell lingers and travels. Their front entry way could smell like it. Also, a woman's sense of smell, I hear, changes after birth.

 

In my view, sure you pay rent but so do they. But if you had music way up and loud all the time - you would have the right to do what you wanted inside your home but if they could not avoid hearing it - then it becomes a matter of compromise. You wouldn't be allowed to shake their chandalier with it without there being a problem. The gray area here is that in a duplex or townhouse, it is not about you renting a house - there are shared/common areas such as the yard, the front porches, etc. And if I were in their situation, I would not be thrilled with the smoke either because its something I couldn't avoid or 'walk around' -

 

So I guess the point is to make the decision to live harmoniously or act "on principle' and hope they move

[Mauxly]

By the way, I'm kind of a bad judge of distance, but it is way more than 25 feet. Our front doors are on the opposite ends of the duplex, meaning that both of our living spaces are in between us. More like 100 feet.

[Mauxly]

abitbroken -

I don't have a back patio or porch, it is a small dirt patch that is chock full of dog poop, with no covering at all. Pretty miserable back there and I hate to go back in the summer. Pretty much out of the question in winter. And yeah, I already am sensitive about it, I'm only out there smoking about 3 times per day. I'd say that they have to witness it about once a week (that is the frequency that I happen to be out there when they happen to be walking out the front door). So it isn't like I'm out there chain smoking, at all.

 

I get what you are saying and I do try to live harmoniously with them, that is why I compromised. But they are now backing away on what they agreed on.

[iBroken]

Forget about them.

 

His girlfriend is probably a whiner who sits there and turns the crank of other people. Wind em up and let them go.

 

If it never bothered him before, Im more then certain his latest rants are as a result of her w h i n ing. As to why they have done a complete 180, Im not sure, but I wouldnt lose sleep over it. Id just carry on as agreed in the original compromise (back in the summer, up front in the winter).

 

EDIT: Interesting, Whining is a bad word, but not if I spell it with a capital W lol