Ex and a good friend are dating

[hers]

So the ex I found ENA through is dating a good friend of mine. They both still live in Atlanta so they're hours away from me. But I found out tonight from my friend that they're in a relationship together. She helped me on my resume and in the email where I thanked her, I asked who her new boyfriend was, since she recently changed her FB relationship status, marking that she has a boyfriend. She wrote back and said her new boyfriend is ___, yes, that one. She said "He totally shocked me by asking me out on a date a couple weeks ago, and we really hit it off." And that was teh whole email.

 

I'm EXTREMELY uncomfortable with this. Mostly b/c I was a freaking psycho when I dated him. Ridiculously crazy. How'd I find ENA? By stalking the account he made when he joined to get advice about our relationship. What else did I do? Chased him in his car, treated him like crap, hit him. The last contact I have ever had with him was when my fist met his eyeball. I was nuts with him.

 

I've since changed completely (Thank god for Al-Anon, seriously). I don't feel the need to even worry about the things I worried about with him. I am not upset that she's dating my ex-boyfriend, but I'm extremely fearful that the can of worms will be opened about me and my FRIEND will find out just how crazy I was. ANd I don't want to lose a good friend b/c of the way I treated her now-boyfriend.

 

Another thing is that my ex is an alcoholic. A major one. And I'm feeling very protective now over my friend. I don't want anyone to be in a relatinship with an alcoholic b/c I know how hard it is and how much it can take out of you. She, like me, doesn't drink a drop and loathes alcohol. I'm wondering how she's feeling about how much he drinks, b/c he makes no effort whatsoever to hide it.

 

I dont know how to respond to this email. I don't want to respond "Huh, good luck with THAT." b/c I'm not bitter. Really, I'm not. But I am very worried she'll find my skeletons in his closet, so to speak.

 

How do I respond to her email? She knows we were together but we never hung out in a group (different group of friends but they did work together for a while at one job, where I met both of them). No one really knows how crazy our relationship was (to my knowledge) b/c we were both pretty good about hiding how awful it was. So i don't know what she knows.

 

Also, she gets to play wtih his dog now I helped him get that dog. And that was the hardest part of our breakup, losing that dog. Blah.

 

Help me feel comfortable with this!

[renaissancewoman101]

Does your friend know that she is dating your ex? If so, and you guys are good friends, maybe you should ask her not to talk about him with you, so as to NOT bring up bad memories.

[hers]

Yes, she knows. She said "I'm dating ___, yes, that one." I just don't know how to respond. Do I say "Don't believe anything he says about me?" or do I say "Tell him hi for me"? What do I respond?

[renaissancewoman101]

I'm not sure what you should do. But, from your post, it seems he is not the type to open up the "can of worms". So maybe it is best you don't bring it up either. Be civil though and friendly and maybe mention, "hey, tell him hi for me". If you meet up with her and him together, act nice to the both of them, let bygones be bygones and if he is a good guy, he won't bring it up either.

 

If he is an alcoholic like you say he is, and your friend loathes alcohol, their relationship might not last past the "honeymoon stage". My ex was an alcoholic (even though he never really admitted it), but his beer drinking kinda put a damper on our relationship and made it hard for me to deal with it, and also had a hand in ending our relationship.

[hers]

well they both live in Atlanta, wher eI don't live anymore. But yea, she hates alcohol. I'm wondering how it'll work out b/c of all of that. His apartment, last I went to it a couple years ago, was littered constantly with beer cans. That woul dmake anyone uneasy, let alone a non-drinker. And I know he'd have no interest in hearing anything from me, even a civil hi. He still has me blocked on Facebook.

[renaissancewoman101]

Sorry about that, that he still has you blocked on FB.

 

I guess if the situation comes up, being civil is all you can do. Your friend will see his alcoholism first hand because I don't think alcoholics can hide their dependence on alcohol, all that well.

 

My ex used to say that he wasn't an alcoholic even though he needed to drink a few beers to relax after a hard day at work dealing with customers. It then led to whenever we went out to eat, we had to find a place that served liquor/beer, so he could have a drink when we ate.

[hers]

my ex knows full well that he's an alcoholic. he said that to me so many times. one time, i stole all of the alcohol in his house. he said "Mehgan, I'm an alcoholic. There's no keeping it from me. I will just buy more." He said it so matter of factly. There's no doubt that my friend will see it too, if she hasn't already.

[Bella20]

Do you think he will be telling her stuff? All in all I have come to realize that you really can't control what others say about you. A friend of mine messaged me telling me that my first boyfriend now works with her and he told her everything about us and our story and what not, and it really is no longer in my control. If she is a good friend, she won't stay away from you just because your ex-boyfriend says bad things about you. If she does, then she wasn't a good friend to begin with. And if she's uncomfortable with anything he says, and is a good friend, she'll come talk to you about it.

 

Don't sweat it. You are making it a bigger deal than it is. She can make her own decisions and look after herself, and you need to not worry about whatever your dumb ex has to say.

[hers]

Thanks, Bella. I can't stop thinking about it. It's just really bothering me. You're right though. How do I respond to her email? Do I even need to?

[Bella20]

"Aww well I wish you guys the best"

 

Listo. Then you'll look like the bigger person should he ever badmouth you.

[hers]

i want so badly to tell her i'm uncomfortable with it but that i wish them the best. i can't stop thinking about it.

[Bella20]

if you are uncomfortable because it's your ex then i understand but there's nothing you can do, though you can tell her that

 

if you are uncomfortable because you are afraid of what he might say then you need to shush, because imagine this:

 

- hey yea im uncomfortable b/c he might say stuff about me thats private or not true or whatever.

(friend goes to boyfriend)

- hey meghan said you might say sth about her what do you think she's talking about??

- oh probably that she hit me and chased me with a car and blah blah blah blah blah

(friend thinks its probably all true because you were upset about it. friend backs away from you)

 

see? no gain.

[hers]

i know. i know you're right.

 

why am i so uncomfortable with all of this?

[Bella20]

because your friend is a B- for dating your ex.

exes are off limits to friends. that's like the basic rule of friendship.

[hers]

but see taht's not my problem with it. at all, really. it's that i feel like warning her of all the things he's into--the drinking, keeping in touch with his exes (and inappropriately so), not wanting to do a damn thing ever (even go to dinner), etc. but at the same time, i feel like protecting myself here by saying "well, listen, he may have an opinion of me..."

[Bella20]

i really don't see anything good coming out of either thing. if you say bad things about him, you look like the resentful ex who's jealous. if you try to protect yourself, you'll just fuel her curiosity. it may not even come up at all. who knows? if the guy is a jerk she will find out eventually. i just wish she hadn't told you.

[greywolf]

This is a tough one. I understand how you want to warn your friend about what your ex did while with you. However, there's every chance that it'll come accross as the bitter ex girlfriend.

 

I think you might need to think about what is more important to you. Her friendship or letting her know what she's getting herself into. If you decide to tell her maybe you can let her know that you're just letting her know because you care about her, and that you'll never mention it again.

[Jd1983]

I agree, this is a really tough call, but I think that it's probably best that you let things be and let her figure out on her own just how he is.

 

Hey - sometimes people change (not always guaranteed, but possible).

 

To be honest, if she was really such a great friend she wouldn't be dating your ex bf. She obviously knew what she was getting involved in.

 

If you try to warn her, you would definitely come out looking like the jealous ex gf. Even if he had things against you, this was the past and you've come a long way so just let it go.

 

Always remember that people will always have something to say, whether you like it or not. If you constantly let it get to you, it will consume all your thoughts.

 

Just wish her the best, and keep it moving.

[hers]

i really don't see anything good coming out of either thing. if you say bad things about him, you look like the resentful ex who's jealous. if you try to protect yourself, you'll just fuel her curiosity. it may not even come up at all. who knows? if the guy is a jerk she will find out eventually. i just wish she hadn't told you.

 

I wish she hadn't told me either. He still has me blocked on Facebook, so if it says "Girl is in a relationship with Boy", i have no idea since I'm blocked from seeing anything about him. So I woudl've never known.

 

 

This is a tough one. I understand how you want to warn your friend about what your ex did while with you. However, there's every chance that it'll come accross as the bitter ex girlfriend.

 

I think you might need to think about what is more important to you. Her friendship or letting her know what she's getting herself into. If you decide to tell her maybe you can let her know that you're just letting her know because you care about her, and that you'll never mention it again.

 

The more I think about it, the more I think it's not my place to "warn" her. B/c you're right, I'll just look bitter. I don't even want to know how he's doing or anything. If he's still drinking, whatever. I want to know how his dog is, b/c I loved that dog so much. When Leeluu died, I wanted to tell him that but opted not to b/c I don't give a crap about him. But he loved her, hence why I wanted to tell him. But I still decided against him b/c I have nothing to say to him and want to hear nothing about him.

 

I agree, this is a really tough call, but I think that it's probably best that you let things be and let her figure out on her own just how he is.

 

Hey - sometimes people change (not always guaranteed, but possible).

 

To be honest, if she was really such a great friend she wouldn't be dating your ex bf. She obviously knew what she was getting involved in.

 

If you try to warn her, you would definitely come out looking like the jealous ex gf. Even if he had things against you, this was the past and you've come a long way so just let it go.

 

Always remember that people will always have something to say, whether you like it or not. If you constantly let it get to you, it will consume all your thoughts.

 

Just wish her the best, and keep it moving.

 

You're right. he was always the type of person never to say anything bad about anyone, really, so I'm sure he won't say anything (unless I burned him that badly!) but it still worries me. And the more I think about it, though, the more I'm getting pissed about it b/c she is breaking that quote-unquote rule about friends dating friends' exes. Like a respect thing, you know? But I can't say anything about it b/c it's not my place.

[hers]

So her new Facebook status is this: "omg my boyfriend hates football too! We've been dating barely a week. Too soon to propose marriage?" He hates football b/c he's british and likes English football. I may have to hide her on Facebook.

[Bella20]

And the more I think about it, though, the more I'm getting pissed about it b/c she is breaking that quote-unquote rule about friends dating friends' exes. Like a respect thing, you know? But I can't say anything about it b/c it's not my place.

 

I think this is what hurts you the most, honestly. Even if you feel like it's not. If a good friend of mine dates my ex... well, we're not friends anymore.

[hers]

That's what my boyfriend says too. He said he wouldn't even think about it. He'd just drop that friend and be done with it. I hold onto friendships strongly though. Most or all of my friends are from childhood or a little later. When I make friends, I keep them, and I like this girl. I'm just mad now.

[Bella20]

I still think that there's a bit of passive aggressiveness in her facebook status. Has she had any other statuses about her boyfriend before you knew who it was?

[hers]

I still think that there's a bit of passive aggressiveness in her facebook status. Has she had any other statuses about her boyfriend before you knew who it was?

 

not a one. just changed her relationship status. that was the only way i even knew she had a boyfriend. and i only found out who it was b/c i asked her in an email where we were catching up after she helped me with my resume.

 

i felt it was passive aggressive too. my boyfriend didn't think so.

[Jd1983]

That's what my boyfriend says too. He said he wouldn't even think about it. He'd just drop that friend and be done with it. I hold onto friendships strongly though. Most or all of my friends are from childhood or a little later. When I make friends, I keep them, and I like this girl. I'm just mad now.

 

I agree, just drop her. You don't need to hear about their relationship because you have your own.

 

If it makes you feel any better, my (now ex) best friend of over 10 years wound up sleeping with my ex bf. The funny part was it was her fiance, that hooked us up together. She cheated on her fiance to be with my ex, and they are still together. I think they deserve each other.

 

It hurt me tremendously when I found out she was sleeping with him, she made up some excuse and I had to force it out of her. If there was one person I thought I trusted at that point, it was her. I could not believe how she betrayed me like that, but I realized that sometimes it's part of life.

 

I am in a much better place now, and I know that you are too. Seriously, you'll be much better off not having her in your life.