How can I tell my ex I want no contact without hurting her?

[davo1066]

I've posted on enotalone b4, and the advice I received helped me get back with my gf after we broke up during an LDR. So - we have had another great 3 months together, better than b4 becuase we were open about being in love with each other and talked through all our past problems. Apparently she didnt even think i liked her that much.

 

BUt there was a shadow overhanging the relationship in that she couldn't find a job here (she's a photographer). So eventually she got a job offer on another cruise ship and had to take it.

 

I was very understanding and said I would wait for her but she wanted to break up again, said it was too painful having an LDR last time and didnt want to go through it again. BUt said she loves me, cried her eyes out our last weekend together, said when she eventualy comes home wants us to be bf/gf again. There wasn't a lot I could do, tried to change her mind but no luck. She says she doesnt want to be under pressure to come back so wants to be single for now. So we broke up, tearful goodbye etc last weekend and she went. She said she wanted us to stay in touch. I told her I wasnt sure about staying in regular contact becuase I thought it would be too painful and she got really upset about it so I agreed to stay in touch for her sake.

 

She's only been away a week and she has called me 4 times, and sent me loads of texts, just wanting to chat, asking about my day etc. Trouble is, I'm finding it hard to deal with, she's supposed to be my ex now, I don;t know when she's coming back, why is she acting like we are still together? I'm finding it hard because even though we are broken up, as long as we are in touch I can't move on, I'm really just thinking about her and waiting for her to come back (and worrying who else she might be seeing). I want to marry this girl eventually, (I'm 28, she's 26).

 

How can I tell her I want to break contact without upsetting her? In spite of everything I would like to think we could get back together when she comes home eventually,and she says thats what she wants. I just need to stop thinking about her in the meantime.

[amaranth_04]

seems like she's doing this on her terms w/o really considering yours, and that's not fair.

 

She says she doesnt want to be under pressure to come back so wants to be single for now.

 

What's that supposed to mean... doesn't sound too positive to me.

 

She wanted the break-up, you agreed to it. Now she has to agree to some of your terms too on how you want to handle it. Tell her you're having the break-up cos she thought that's what's best (for her) and you feel while it's this way, it's best if you stop contact til she gets back, or keep it to a bare minimum. Make sure you're specific about what's the bare minimum or she could take advantage of it.

 

Tell her NC is the way to go til she decides when she wants to be back. You're not pushing her away, it was her suggestion to break-up and she can have contact with you all she likes but she just has to make a choice. If she can't get back soon, and wants contact at the same time, then she has to work on an LDR. Can't have it both ways all on her terms.

 

Sounds like she's protecting herself by being single for now in case the LDR goes sour. So you should think about your own well-being, too.

 

Soon, the two of you will have to make choices to be closer to one another for good. You can't keep going back and forth breaking-up and reconciling. Wears down the relationship.

[lisaria]

Hey davo,

amaranth is right. Everything is on her terms right now and you need to tell her how it makes you feel and what your needs are. Sure she's hurting, but so are you. Do what you have to do to get through this. If that means cutting contact completely, then do it. Tell her and then stick to what you decide. Good luck. I hope things work out for you.

[davo1066]

She just called AGAIN! I think part of it maybe is she's a bit lonely and having a tough time in her new job. So the paranoid part of me is feeling a little bit used here, shoulder to cry on and all that.

 

She sounds pretty miserable, I want to help her and talking to her seems to make her feel better so part of me thinks it would be really selfish to break contact now when she needs me, like putting the boot in at the worst possible time. The other part of me thinks, surely the support is part of what she gave up by breaking up with me?

 

Maybe I should wait a few weeks until she is more settled and has made some more friends and is a bit happier on the ship before withdrawing contact

[amaranth_04]

Well it's up to you if you want to wait before telling her. If you feel it's getting to you too much, you could set some rules now about when/how often she should call. Maybe ask her to get thru the week or mid-week, then call and let you know how it's going. Maybe not too much of the shoulder to cry on. It's good that you want to be there for her but your hands are sort of tied in how you really want to show your concern for her. If she's calling up and literally crying to you, it would be a bit difficult.

 

You could start with guidelines on frequency and extent of contact. It's not just to help you take the break-up better. You have to show her that she can't just do what makes her feel better but at your expense. She has to share in the pain of the break-up.

 

Of course, you do what you're comfortable with.

 

Good luck.

[bzborow1]

just don't answer the phone until:

 

a) you want to; or

b) she gets the message

 

Women do it all the time...

[davo1066]

Thanks for all your advice everyone... she texted me on the weekend to ask if I was home so she could call.

 

 

I wrote back that maybe she shouldnt call any more now we are broken up.

 

 

She said OK.. if thats what you want but I will really miss phoning, what about text?'

 

I said no contact at all its too weird just being friends.

 

She didnt reply for a few hours then about one am saying she wanted to call me to discuss it but was still crying too much to talk and felt really miserable and loves me and misses me a lot and was only contacting me all the time becuase she doesnt want to lose me.

 

I wrote well if you didnt want to lose me why did you break up and she didnt answer, but is calling today to talk about it more. NOt sure what to say to her. I feel really bad about upsetting her. It seems like she does love me and just doesnt want another LDR (she has had 2 LDR disasters including our first relationship). Or am I just Mr Back Up in case she doesnt meet anyone on the ship?

[Langeveldt]

Been following this thread, in exactly the same situation, so PM me if you want, would be interesting...

 

Davo, you just have to think of it this way...You love her unconditionally right.. Why should you have to put up with second best??

Ive become very cynical recently, but I refuse to be content with a "friendship" with a girl I have put my life into.... Sounds like a silver medal to me...

 

Hope all goes well, keep us posted... You have to stop being a stop gap and live for yourself.. Remember this whole thing is hard for you too....

All the best.

[davo1066]

I know mate, thanks

 

The way I feel is LDRs are so hard as it is, but at least if you now you are both being faithful you can handle it. To have an LDR where we are both 'free agents' is a nightmare, wondering if they havent called bcos with someone else and so on

 

I just cant do it, but feel guilty that if i love her unconditionally maybe i should do it the way she wants. From what she has said she isnt looking for anyone else, its more that she doesnt want to feel obligated to come back bcos of a relationship, she wants to pursue her career and only come back when she is ready or if she eg has a job to come back to.

 

Last time she was on the ship I put pressure on her to come back which is why it went pear shaped last time, I think she thinks I will do this again.

[davo1066]

I don't believe it.

 

For her sake I decided to stay in touch, I felt sorry for her more than anything though I also thought if we were in contact she wouldnt forget about me and would not look for anyone else and we could gtet back together when she came home. On my birthday she texted, emailed and called with best wishes. It all seemed to be going well even though it was hard. She has been away 2 months now but we were in regular contact.

 

Anyway, a couple weeks ago I replied to one of her texts saying I loved her and missed her, just wanted to remind her how I feel cos we had problems in our earlier LDR with her not knowing I loved her.

 

She hasnt replied at all. Nothing. Three days ago I sent another text, and also an email in case something was wrong with her phone asking her whats up, and that I'm worried and at least want to know she's OK. Nothing.

 

What does this mean? Has she found someone else so soon? How can she break contact like this without explaining anything after I stayed in contact with her becuase she wanted to and said she loved me and didnt want to lose me? I'm really pissed off. It feels like she just wanted to be in contact till she found someone else to turn to.

 

Let this be a warning to guys who's ex wants to 'be friends'. Looks like they are just using you for the emotional support.

[TrueHeart]

Well now, hang on a second. You actually got what you wanted, right? You wanted to break contact, or didn't you? Perhaps she is just doing what you asked of her, and thats to stop talking all together.

 

This quote intrigued me a bit, and I'll share with you why:

What does this mean? Has she found someone else so soon? How can she break contact like this without explaining anything after I stayed in contact with her becuase she wanted to and said she loved me and didnt want to lose me? I'm really pissed off.

 

Put yourself in her shoes for a bit, don't you think she was saying the same thing to herself about you in the same context? Just a bit of perspective for you to consider.

 

What I just don't understand is that though your intent was to not think of her as much when she's gone (the reason you told her not to contact you)-- you were intending on marrying this girl-- have you ever told her that? I agree with all the previous posts that these were on HER terms, and it was almost like you didn't have a say in it.. For that, I feel really terrible for you-- and I sincerely hope that she does contact you, one way or another-- whether it be for rekindling something, or perhaps closure.

[davo1066]

Fair points, to clarify a little -

 

She knows I wanted to marry her. I didnt properly propose, more said it as a general future intention. She said maybe but not yet, she's only 26, which I was happy with as she was about to go on the ship at that point so there was little point getting engaged there and then.

 

You are right TrueHeart, I got what I wanted, but when I was suggesting no contact in the first place, I made it very clear that I loved her and that was why I couldnt be in contact. Last time she was away she ended up cheating on me, and told me by email. Which obviously devastated me though we got back together when she came home. I would rather have NC than get another email like that, even if it wouldnt be cheating this time as we are not officially together.

 

But I stayed in contact this time cos she was so upset, and now she does this. Its weird. Why ask to stay in contact only to break it herself???? Its the way she's done it that gets me, with no explanation at all - which is why I can only assume shes met some other guy.

 

Anyway, I know in the long term this will work out for the best, maybe in a way I have got what I wanted because now I can have the NC without feeling bad about hurting her.

 

Thx for your advice. Anyone else been in a situation like this?

[TrueHeart]

Last time she was away she ended up cheating on me, and told me by email. Which obviously devastated me though we got back together when she came home. I would rather have NC than get another email like that, even if it wouldnt be cheating this time as we are not officially together.

 

That explains things just a little bit better. If you feel better about the NC, I wouldn't want an email like that either. Its hard to say why she's done it, but if its something she's done before with cheating, that makes more sense.

 

I know its hard to break from someone who you've had marital plans with, I have been there.. Its hard because the final frontier is marriage in a relationship. Best thing to do is just not focus on what you lost... but focus on what you learned...

[davo1066]

Thanks guys, well to update you, after a while she did get in touch again, and after reading her email I decided I had had enough. I wrote her a long email basically saying I didnt want to be in contact any more becuase I needed to get over her and couldnt cope with an LDR with an ex (LDRs with a gf are hard enough!) I said I would be blocking her email sooner or later so as to not be awaiting her emails but that if she wanted to be in contact she could come back, or give a proper LDR a try

 

She hasnt replied at all, in nearly 2 months (by phone - obviously she cant email me now i have blocked her), which is obviously what I wanted. BUt I'm worried about her.She's probably having the time of her life or already with someone new. BUt what if she isnt and is upset? I would have thought she would have at least called to say goodbye and good luck (I said I would really like it if she would call one last time, so as not to end on an email).

 

This is the last email she sent. I had been trying to get her to try and work on an LDR and when she sent this I just decided to give up. I guess I'm having second thoughts bcos of her last sentence about being confused. Or am I just clinging on to miniscule hopes?

 

No-one ever broke up with me before, though I am 28. I'm just not used to it and dont know how to handle all this. A girl I like has recently told a mutual friend she is interested in me, so its not like I'm desperate. But no-one in 28 years has measured up to my ex. And somehow it would feel like cheating on the ex, cos I still love her! Am I nuts?????

 

I appreaciate all your suggestions and support, I really do. Thanks! This is the last thing she wrote...

 

> Im sorry I have been so long to reply, but you know

> that its not like I can just sit down at a computer

> anytime and write something, I barely have time to

> take a shower. This weird thing is killing me to,

> like I told you before I wanted all or nothing,

> because ive done the long distance thing before and

> i think it dosent work, maybe it works for a short

> specified length of time, but not for this kind of

> never ending thing when we are both off working and

> dont know when we will ever be in the same place. Im

> sorry, maybe the keeping in touch was a bad idea. I

> think a relationship should be about sharing your

> lives, not getting a few phone calls each week about

> last week, and next weeks itineries.

> I dont know what to tell you. I cant be in touch

> anymore than I am, its just imopssible from here,

> and I dont know how long I want to be here, or away

> somewhere.

> At the moment, with this situation at work I am

> stressed all the time, its like world war 3 in the

> photo team, and I am stressed about you, I really

> need to stop being stressed. Im sorry if that sounds

> selfish, but I cant relax ever.

> I was looking at our pictures too, thinking the same

> thing, that we would be together for ever, and trying to decide what to write to you, and

> ive got no idea.

> Im not sure how i feel, it was so long ago that we

> were together, and probally will be a long time

> until we are again, if we are. If you want we can

> not be in contact, because all this is just

> upsetting both of us. Its up to you, you have my

> email, and I will try and answer when I can if you

> want to write to me. And if you dont, and dont want

> me to write, then I wont.

> Im sorry I just dont know what else to write or say,

> Im sorry if my feeling are unclear to you, thats

> because I am confused and the are unclear to me too.

>

> Just write and tell me what you want me to do,

> Im sorry.