What do i make out of it??? you have to read it :)

[Blackey]

Ok, so it has been the most s*rewed up 4 hours in the last 2 months or so.

So that the thing, my ex broke up with me about 3 months ago, and at the beginning i saw her every now and then because we go to the same gym, but in the last 2 months i have been going to a different location so i will not have to see her.

Well, today i decided to go to the very same location that i used to go, where my ex is going.

Now, a little bit of background, I used to be a pretty hardcore body builder, im not saying i was huge, but i was pretty big without any steroids or anything as such because i was eating a lot of healthy food and working out on regular basis about 4 times a week and i had a pretty nice body, i went out with my ex for almost a year and in the last 7 months i just quit gym because i could keep them both because im also working and studying, so slowly i gave up on body building and didnt go to the gym for 7 months.

In the meantime as you can imagine, i lost much of my muscles and became really really skinny because I didnt not had time to work out and eat as much as i used to, so when the ex left me, i was all time low when it comes to physical apperance (when i came back to the gym, my old work out body got scared and asked what the hell has happened to me).

In addition, when i was with my ex she always tried to convince me to try cool stuff such as cool chains and stuff like that, but i wasnt really into this stuff so i told her that there is no way i will wear anything like it, it is just not my style.

 

Anyhow, fastfawrd, after the break up, I got back to the gym, and despite of the fact that i havn't got to the way i used to be, after 2 months of working out people said that i looked much much better than when i came back , it comes back to me, but im not there yet. In addition after the break up, a good female friend of mine bought me a really beautiful silver chain to remind me that I have friends i can count on no matter what, I wear it all the time, I guess i was wrong and it is my style, it looks very nice

 

some more background, i already posted here that in the past, right after the break up, i saw my ex 3 times at the gym, and all of the times she always come up to me and perhaps tried to say hello or goodbye or something, but i always ignored her and also since the gym is not all the big, when we would move around we would pass next to each other and ignore each other, after any encounter such as this, i was feeling terrible for the whole day and perhaps for the next couple following days, so i sent her a pretty rude msg on facebook saying leave me the hell alone.

 

Today, i was just about to finish my work out, and who do i see? i see her? and another guy, most likely her current boyfriend.

I dont know why, but i decided to stay just to show her that i am doing much better physically and that im going back to my shape and also the chain, she is very materialistic and never misses anything tangible on the body.

 

This time it was kind of a game, I would work on a machine, and then she would pass right next to me, knowing that i see her and sit down on a machine next to me and work out, and i have a good side vision, i saw that she was looking at me the whole time, i was just ignoring her for the whole time.

 

Next, i would pass kind of next to her and i would not look at her and be nearby so she could see me, anyhow this game lasted for like 1.5 hours, and despite of the fact that her boyfriend was there, she kept on playing this game.

 

That is so funny, she used to be beautiful, but when i saw her now, she changed her haircut and she got some wrinkles on her face, noticeably gained weight and she looks old now, i dont know what has happened to her, but she became ugly from being really beautiful and she got an older boyfriend, she is 26 the guy looks like he is 35 or something.

 

The weird thing is that i rememebr that in my first encounters with her in the gym during the first month of th break out, i would totally freak out and shake and feel really bad for a while.

But this time when i saw her, i got non of these reacions or emotions, and i was thinking to myself "oh my god she looks so old and fat, what the hell did i find in her, and look at her boyfriend, is she so desperate"

 

I even saw them kissing outside, and it was really weird, for some reason i didnt care, I remember when i would imagine her kissing another guy i would feel like dying, when i actually saw it, it didnt do much to me, i dont understand it.

Maybe it didnt kick in yet, maybe tomorrow i will wake up in tears, but at the moment i feel so calm that i dont understand how can it be, i know that i am not over my ex because i think about her all the time, but what the hell do i make out of it.

 

In a way i feel like perhaps it gave me some closure, it brought closer the discrepancies in my head, because when i miss my ex and think about her, i have this image of beautiful girl who always loved me, bla bla bla, now i saw in the reality that she is ugly and fat, has an old and ugly boyfriend, and even though i ignored her all the time, she kept on checking me out, she looked desperate to me, and it is such a turn off.

 

As i said i dont know what to make out of it help me to figure out what is going on, will i wake up tomorrow in tears or will it bring peace closer to me? Another thing is that everybody say to avoid contact and seeing the ex, so if this experience of seeing the ex actually help, should i go with this tactict and keep on seeing her in the gym until my mind will understand that she is fat ugly and desperate woman so that eventually it will come closer to healing?

[Blackey]

Sorry that it is long,I really need your opining to figure out what is going on, I just came back home and ran straight to the computer to log on ENA, and to ask about it.

please read it

[zinny]

This sounds the same as this prior thread you wrote....

 

In my opinion.... you are only truly healed when you don't have to think about your ex at all... good or bad... it's just not relevant anymore.

[Blackey]

yehh, but this time she did not come tlaking to me and she was there with her boyfriend, and the weird thing is that i didnt care at all.

In my previous post, i was happy for being a jerk to her, different issue, but deep inside of course i had a huge emotional storm.

This time, nothing, i dont really feel anything depite of the fact that i even saw her kissing her new boyfriend, so im not sure if it is like this now, and tomorrow gonna be really bad, or is it that i dont care anymore.

[zinny]

I can't really tell you if you're going to feel better or worse tomorrow.

 

I don't necessarily think you felt nothing when you saw her.... because if you did, you likely wouldn't be saying she's fat, old, wrinkly and desperate now. It's like you keep putting her down in your head... and you only do that, if you're trying to convince yourself that you are better than her.... which means that you still feel something.

 

All in all, I'm glad seeing her kissing another guy didn't set you back. But I don't think that you are going to heal if you continue to "play" this game... I think you're better off not focusing on her at all... negative, positive, anything... and just work on you.

[Blackey]

thanks for the comments guys...perhaps i got overly excited that i didnt feel as bad as i would usually feel if i just see her , or especially if i would see her kissing someone else.

And yeh, in a way i do put her down, but it is true, she really changed because of the extra weight and the new haircut and also it is pretty noticeable that she looks older.

[jettison]

I think watching your hung-up-on ex is exhilarating and then depressing. It's exciting because when it happens you're likely a little pumped full of adrenaline, you're in "fight or flight" mode, and you realize it's not going to kill you.

 

Then, later, you realize that son o' beech is kissing my woman!!! Kill them all with fire!

 

Seriously, this is an important step in the healing phase. It makes you face reality like a cold slap in the face, and that's almost always a good thing. Been there....

[Blackey]

Jettison my friend, that is the weird thing, i dont really feel that he is kissing "my woman" simply because she looks so different and undesirable by me that i just want to reject any connection to her.

The fight or flight mode that you were talking about, yeh you know what that is so weird, i had it the first 3 times i saw her in the gym, it was so bad that i couldnt really keep on working out because my heart was pumping so fast, but this time, it was MUCH MORE mild, i just kept on working out normally, no irregular heartbeats and i really kept on cool from inside, something that i didnt believe that i will be able to acheieve, perhaps because i see her as a different person now, and at the same time i try to put her down in my head, and it is actually working , I think, especially seeing her with the older and ugly dude, took the image of her being somebody completely different a little bit further.

By the way , she basically left me bcause she wants to move out with somebody and im still a student in the university and got 2 more years to study and not stable in life yet so i could not really move out with her, she left me for this guy who got a house of his own and a stable job. That makes me think that she is desperate even more.

You know what they say, desperation is a big turn off, in a way i play with my mind and try manipulate some stuff and to put her down so it would be easier to get over her, and at the moment i feel like it is actually working...