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Need help please


chrisrk06

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Hello I looked up this sight after realizing that I was digging my own grave and I really need help so I don't make the same mistakes i always do.

 

My girlfriend and I broke up, she said she wanted her space, however she says she still loves me and does not know if we will be able to get back together romantically. She initially just wanted space within the relationship because I am an extremely dependent individual, however because i am an idiot i kept bugging her and she said we needed to completely break it off. Today we talked upon my request and she did get emotional, so i know there is something savable there. Like i said im horrible at the space thing...also im a very pessimistic individual on normal events, so something like this is killer. Also I know this sounds childish but I don't want to do this again, she is the person that makes me happy, I am only 22 but I can say this with certainty. I will not find another person who I am willing to open up with....What should i do?

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I think there are a couple of things you need to address before you get back into a relationship with anyone, especially your ex.

 

You say you're very dependent...have you asked yourself why that is? A certain amount of dependence in a relationship is healthy and normal; you're supposed to be a team and be there for each other in good times and in bad. But too much dependence becomes a burden on the other person and (as you can see) can lead to the demise and destruction of a relationship.

 

What are the reasons for your dependence? Do you have friends? Do you have hobbies? Or do you depend completely on your significant other for support, entertainment, etc.? If you do not have friends to turn to or hobbies to occupy your time, I suggest you go find both of those things. Dependence and neediness is not an attractive quality in either sex, but especially in a man (sorry, but it's true).

 

You also said you're pessimistic...have you asked yourself why that is? Whatever you put out there, you will get in return. If you think that something is not going to work out or that something is going to go bad, it changes your behavior and your mood, and ultimately, you will get exactly what you're expecting, regardless if you want it or not.

 

Work on yourself. Work on being independent, being a strong individual. Being in a relationship should be based on really wanting to be with that person and choosing consciously to do so every day, not staying with someone because you need them.

 

Also, I know that it's the last thing you want to hear, and forgive me if I sound condescending because that's not my intention...but 22 is very young. You have many years ahead of you during which you will change and (hopefully) grow as a person. The girl you want right now may not be the girl you want in two or three years, and that's okay. There is someone out there who is "perfect" for you, and it may not be this girl, and you should accept that in a positive way.

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I know 22 is young and thank you for messaging me back...I have hobbies and friends, my dependence on her is the fact that she can stop my pessimism. And ya I am going to try my hardest to just give her an ample amount of space and see were im at in a couple of months, but honestly I don't really think ill want someone else(I know it sounds immature). Now that I have found this site i will be on from time to time to distract myself hopefully you guys can help me from doing stupid * * * * .

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It doesn't sound immature...just sounds like a guy who's lovesick right now.

 

You say your dependence on her is because she brings positivity to your life. In some ways that's great...the person you're with should be a positive force in your life. But depending on someone totally because you can't be positive yourself...that's not good or healthy at all. You need to learn how to change your way of thinking. It's difficult, but not impossible, and hey, you should want to, right? I'm sure you don't like being such a downer all the time anymore than she probably did/does.

 

I highly recommend you go read "The Power of Positive Thinking" by Norman Vincent Peale. I think it might help you a lot.

 

I hope I'm not getting too personal, and please don't comment on this unless you're comfortable doing so since you're mental health is your private business...but have you had issues with anxiety or depression in the past? If you find that you genuinely can't seem to think positively or stop worrying no matter how hard you try, the root of the problem could be physiological and you might need medication for a little while to help you to learn new ways of thinking and get over this hump of negativity.

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I am sorry for your situation, Chris, and I think Firesign raised excellent points. So much so that my only suggestion is to take some time to really reflect on these questions posed, and what your answers might be to them. I think you will find an overall, and more encompassing answer within them that might help you quite a bit with your current struggles.

 

Best of luck to you!

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I replied to your other post so wont bore you with much here. I do want to ask though, is majority of your time spent with her? How much time apart do you guys actually spend? are you always in contact?

Do you get angry when she does not respond to your messages right away?

 

Reason I am asking these questions is because in the relationship with my ex, we devoted ALL our time to each other. We got so dependent on each other and would not see our friends much at all, didn't continue with our hobbies anything. When I would tell him to go out with his friends, go see them he didn't want to and I'd be the same when he suggested it to me. We were both very, VERY clingy & needy, and that's never good.

 

I think there needs to be a healthy balance in a relationship. You need to be happy with yourself in order to be truly happy with your partner. Although he and I were happy in the beginning with ourselves we deteriorated as people in the end. I now see how unhealthy our end truly was, for both of us.

 

You can be with someone and still lead a happy life with friends/family/hobbies that do not include your partner.

think of it this way, if you eat the same meal for a year, three meals a day, and only have desert sometimes, I assure you, you're going to get sick of it and will be looking for something different to eat.

 

So give her the space she wants, work on your issues, better yourself and if you guys end up working on your relationship, good for you, if not, take it as a lesson which you will learn from.

 

One thing I do want to say is, never base your whole happiness on just your partner and don't ever expect them to be the only source of your happiness.

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best advice, man to man, is actually three-fold...

 

1) you should be in therapy. i would recommend an older woman therapist.

 

2) i am NOT a proponent of 'rebound dating', that is incredibly manipulative to the other person....HOWEVER, i would recommend that you go out every night to bars/clubs where you genuinely enjoy the atmosphere/environment and just try to have fun and be social. force yourself to get out of your house. just try it before you knock it.

 

3) realize that the only way this chick is ever gonna give you the time of day in the short term is if she knows you're dating other women. that's just the cold hard truth. women get into this petulant zone of 'well i said i didn't want him...but nobody else can have him either!' but paradoxically, i don't think you should be dating other women JUST TO get back at her. i think that's bad karma. perhaps an even better route would be to just sleep around (and BE HONEST with the women you're sleeping with)...this will help you get your confidence back and give you some kind of authentic connection with other women. perhaps you'll even fall for somebody new in the process!

 

best of luck

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3) realize that the only way this chick is ever gonna give you the time of day in the short term is if she knows you're dating other women. that's just the cold hard truth. women get into this petulant zone of 'well i said i didn't want him...but nobody else can have him either!' but paradoxically, i don't think you should be dating other women JUST TO get back at her. i think that's bad karma. perhaps an even better route would be to just sleep around (and BE HONEST with the women you're sleeping with)...this will help you get your confidence back and give you some kind of authentic connection with other women. perhaps you'll even fall for somebody new in the process!

 

best of luck

 

 

Cold hard truth, but don't generalize that all women would accept a guy who is sleeping around and accept him back in their life. For me personally, that would be a deal breaker.

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Cold hard truth, but don't generalize that all women would accept a guy who is sleeping around and accept him back in their life. For me personally, that would be a deal breaker.

 

ok, that may be true for you and what you would choose to demand from a potential relationship partner, but if they are 'broken up' - then sleeping around is completely within the confines of an ethical framework, in my view.

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ok, that may be true for you and what you would choose to demand from a potential relationship partner, but if they are 'broken up' - then sleeping around is completely within the confines of an ethical framework, in my view.

 

Absolutely don't get me wrong, If I were to meet a guy who was with an X amount of girls, I wouldn't judge him on it. In fact, if he is a great person, the amount of people he slept with does not really matter. As long as he is not a walking STD (no offense).

 

However if we are talking about ex's, the relationship ends, then the ex goes and sleeps with 50 different girls and decided he wants now to come back and settle down with me, sorry it just isn't happening. But that is my personal preference. some women can be totally okay with that, I know I wouldn't.

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