How to move on from an Ex. that keeps coming back

[Nappyloxs]

With out going into all the past details (you can look it up my past threads for the history), I cannot break away from this woman.

 

So we broke up 2 weeks ago after a two month attempt of recon. Terrible experience. She called a few days later to vent about her sister. Then no contact for a week. Then last Saturday, she called about a problem she had at her house, I sure could not fix it and I don't think she expected me too. But I went over to comfort her since she can be such a spoiled baby. Then she claims she misses me and wants to give it another try. All week we spent together doing things. By Thursday, she switched. She was depressed, blamed me and the relationship for her unhappiness. (She started off being depressed about her "routine" life and then turned the blame at me and the relationship for it.) So Thursday, I really gave her an all or nothing. Told her to sleep on it and if she wants to work things out call me on Friday, if not don't call. What does she do, calls me at 7:30am saying how she loves me and that she is sorry and that she wants to work things out. By 2pm, it was back to blaming me for her unhappiness. (Part of it that she surrounds herself with people who aren't really her friends. Her one friend stopped talking to her when she told her that we kind of got back together this week).

 

Anyway, she then tries to ask if we could be friends. I told her no. As much as I want to be there to help her with whatever she is going through. I am not going to be the guy who she cries to about other guys (been there done that and promised myself I would never do it again). So we text a little bit.

 

So call her this morning to see if she feels a little better. She has her attitude and doesn't talk, but stays on the phone making me repeat everything twice.

 

I am so physically and mentally tired of this girl. I physcially get headaches now just talking to her or even thinking of her.

 

I love her and want to be there for her for whatever she is going through, especially since she really does not have anyone else. The few "friends" she has are not truly friends. She stopped talking to her one true friend because that friend moved to a different state and now ex. also lives in a different state. (FYI, me and my 3 best friends all live in different states but we keep in regular contact, distant would never get in the way of our friendship. Also my friends do not like my ex. after hearing my side, but I know that they would never turn their backs on me for still talking/dating her; unlike her friends). So I feel like I need to be there for her. BUT at the same time, I get disrespected and put down.

 

I am at the point where I just can't take it anymore. She comes back, then she leaves, she blames me for everything wrong in her life.

 

I tried to do everything I could to fix the relationship. But she doesn't seem to grasp that it takes two in both the good times and bad times.

 

She places on these expectations on everything. The relationship, her life, etc.... It's like she believes that life should be a fairy tale. I don't know why she can't appreciate the things she has. She wanted a house because that would give her freedom and independence, but she still isn't happy. She has a great job, new car, health, a great family, etc... But for some reason, she keeps searching for more and more.

 

To a degree, its not even about the relationship. Its about her just being happy. She tries and says that the relationship should be her happiness. I try and tell her that she makes her own happiness and that a relationship is just a part of it. Also, that she can't be happy in a relationship, if she is just not happy to being with.

 

I really don't know what to do. I want to help her, but I can't. There is nothing I can do. I want to be there for her, but not at my own expense. If I walk away and stop calling her (which I can do now), she just calls a few days later. I am so confused and honestly, when its at the point where I physically get headaches just thinking about it, let alone talking to her, I just don't find it healthy for me.

 

How do you be there for someone who blames you for their problems when its not you, but then she wants you to be there when she wants you? Or do you just go although you want to be there for her?

[Lifes4Living]

Something I learnt from the first 2 break ups with the same girl, is that you cant be there for her and look after yourself. It doesnt work. So as much as it feels like you are being selfish, or you dont want to hurt them because you care about them so much.... you gotta let go, which is asking her to not contact you and trying to focus on yourself fully. Because if you think about it its very selfish of her to expect you to be there for her when its convenient for her. I liken it to sitting at home on a Saturday night in the dark holding the "candle of hope" waiting for her to ring... and she doesnt.

[Nappyloxs]

Thanks.

 

I agree it is completely selfish of her. To be honestly, I actually have been happier to a degree without her. The few days when she actually is "normal" are great. But most of time, its blame and unhappiness. When I don't speak with her I am okay. I think I do hold a "candle of hope" that we will be back together and that she will love me for me again. But I also know that it is not going to happen. She may love me, but it is not real love. Too much damage has been done and there are hurdles that she will never overcome. She still blames me for things from months ago with believing the truth or acknowledging that she was part of the problem.

 

I still have my own hurdles I have to overcome to completely heal from this relationship. But I am definitely happy and content without her. I don't know why I put myself through this. She really just drags me down.

 

I am sick of saying "we broke up"; "we are working on it"; etc.... My friends probably think I am crazy. I really need to break the chain once and for all.

[misti1]

From my experience, it's very tempting or rather an overwhelming feeling of guilt overtakes me when my ex needs me for one thing or another. Even though I knew that if i gave in, I will give and give and he will never be satisfied nor grateful enough, I end up getting hurt and tossed to the side when he's done with my help.

 

That's the reason why i refused to respond to him when he tried to get in touch with after 4 months of NC. I was told he was missing me and felt like talking to me. I ignored him and continued with my life. I wish him all the best, but I know he has other friends to take care of him.

 

So please don't hurt yourself again. Keep your distance and, trust me, she will eventually get through her "passing" problems.

[Lifes4Living]

I am sick of saying "we broke up"; "we are working on it"; etc.... My friends probably think I am crazy. I really need to break the chain once and for all.

 

You know I think the exact same thing. If I did get back with my ex (which is a no go zone ive decided and accepted for myself) my family and friends would think i was the biggest absolute idiot in the world.

[quirky]

^^^^^^ same here.

 

Dunno what to say Nappyloxs, I personally think there wasn't enough time of distance for both of you to understand. You know I have eventually left. And not because I don't love him. It's as if someone has a tick of let's say poking at you. Just because I understand it's a tick doesn't mean it bugs me any less. I know things are difficult, these on/off situations lend an aura of inevitability to the relationship. I'd probably still listen to my ex if he had a problem. Instead I have appeared as an uappreciative and arrogant person so he stays away. You'll either sit her down and explain things once and for all or you're gonna exit and welcome the loneliness for a bit.

[Nappyloxs]

Thanks

 

I have tried to sit her down and say "its all or nothing." I really did it on Thursday night. I told her to sleep on it and call me in the morning if she wants to "really" work this out. What does she do; she calls. I have done it time and time again.

 

I think she doesn't want to fully let go herself. Everything time, I am ready to leave, she tries and pulls me back.

 

It would be one thing if she did not blame her issues on us and, particularly, me. It has just worn me out.

 

I have gotten to the point where I really don't need her, I don't need to talk to her, I really don't have the urge to call her, etc... It is now her who initiates the contact.

 

I went through something similar with my last girlfriend years ago, but it was more of a friend thing. It wasn't sex or b.s. attempts to get back together. She just wanted a shoulder to cry on. This one isn't. She wants me one minute and hates me the next.

 

I called her after writing this post. I packed up the little things she has at my house and she has my garage door opener. I asked her to meet as she is going to be on my side of town this afternoon. I just want to get my opener and get everything of hers out of my house.

 

I wrote her a letter that I am going to put in the box. It is a good bye letter. I can't do it anymore, as much as I love her and want to be there for her. I have to love myself first. I have to be selfish. I have to live my life.

 

Like I said earlier, I am actually pretty happy and content without her. I have more hope of finding some new than of us getting back together for real. It is nice having this hope that there is someone better out there for me. It is better looking into the future than into the past.

 

Luckily, although my friends think I am an idiot. They have been there too! My friends are still there for me know matter what. It is great knowing that. I do feel bad for her, because her "friends" leave her whenever she says we are back together. She won't tell her family, which I understand. I feel bad because to a degree she is trying to appease her friends and family instead of herself. True friends don't leave you even if they disagree with you.

 

I will give you an update later, but I think it will be a short meeting of here is your stuff. Goodbye. I don't have anymore to say to her. The letter is short and to the point.

 

Thanks

[Lifes4Living]

... its just a sad time for all in a break up. most times people get back together because of loneliness, and it just goes down the same path, people immediately forget the reasons why they broke up.

 

I remember i left it till the absolute last minute to tell my family, in some ways it really is a final nail or it was for me a final nail to accepting its over. I am still not over it, but im getting there... toughest part is not letting your mind race into the future or past, memories and dreams of what your life was going to be. In time they will be replaced with new dreams and experiences, but until then its something I try and embrace, its good to hurt sometimes, atleast you know you are alive.

 

One day in the future, youll look back on this experience as I hope also and think this really was the best thing and im in a better place because of it.

 

One day also, I hope to leave enotalone, because that will mean im truly healed.

[Nappyloxs]

Toughest part was letting go of the memories and dreams you had of your life with that person. It has taken months and periods of recon for me to let go of those memories. Sadly, I will always have a picture of her in my mind of her at her best. When she just loved me before all the troubles began. It is okay.

 

It is definitely an experience, one that will make us all stronger. A few months ago, I would never imagine it would be me being the one leaving. I thought if I ever had another chance, I would never let go. But now I see I have to for both hers and mine's sake.

 

Once you do move on, still come back to ENA to give advice to others. I don't do it as much as I am still trying to heal. But I try when I can, to just give advice to others.

[Lifes4Living]

Yes you are right about supporting others. At first, I really couldnt imagine ever doing the no contact thing... everyone yelled NC NC NC! and its true, however I only think you are ready to go no contact when you accept its time to help yourself, thats the first step.

[Nappyloxs]

UPdate:

 

Well, gave her stuff back. Some talking for two days. (Craziness, she drove over to leave food on my front porch and left?????? She lives a half-hour away.)

 

Haven't talked to her since Monday. Almost a week!!! Feels good. Of course I still think of her, but don't want to call her. I know that it is a very unhealthy relationship. SO anytime I do think of her now, I just write down the truth of what our relationship really was or negative things about her.

 

Now I just have to move forward and find someone new. Although I know I may not be emotional ready for it. I am ready to find some new.