Moving on, but my ex is pulling me down

[Ated]

Hi My ex and i dated for about 14 months, but ive known him for at least 2 years. When i first met him, i thought he was fabulous but never thought i'd date him. Anyways, we became real good friends and eventually started dating. Im his second gf. ONE PROBLEM tho is our cultural differences. Im filo and his sri lankan. I suppose age gap is a prolem too. Hes 22 and im 17. He manipulated me into thinking that he loved me and he wanted to marry me and everyhting. At first i was freaked out i mean i was 16!!! and then after a while i was like yeah, this will work. and i loved him so much. He told me he loves me because im so 'caring'. But after about 8 months, he made new friends at uni who are all into smoking weed, drinking and clubbing. the deal! and i told him to not hang around them so much. Ultimately it became a major problem and he told me im being too possesive and that he doesnt fel comfortable with the realtionship. I'm so confused. I duno what to do. I ran to him the other day and he just totally ignored me. and i was ok with that. But one day he called me saying that i messaged him but i didnt. and he told all his friends that im harassing him and want him back. he is so conceited and i dunno y he is acting this way! Pls help. I dunno what im doing wrong. His new 'friends' scolded me saying "He is not UR man anymore, dont tell him not to smoke or party! He doenst need a MOTHER out of u!" AM i wrong>>??

[smiles314]

Hey , i dont have the answers you are looking for but I do have a very similiar story.. My ex became a constant pot smoker at our university and acted the same way with me that you are describing.... If you like to talk about this feel free to PM me, and I can share my experience with you ..sometimes that helps knowing you aren't alone

[Ated]

I don't wanna sound pathetic and stuff. I just don't understand why he would choose this ppl over me. I mean... ive been there for him and we have a good relationship. Its just when these guys came along, it totally changed him. He's very abusive, conceited and just not HIM u knwo? he acts like a try hard...

[TrueHeart]

Ated-

 

Dear, you have to remember that the age gap between you has a lot to do with that. Men at the ages of 21-24 are at their peak of immaturity. Its good that you are starting to see that he manipulated you, and that you recognize he is a different person without you. It hurts, believe me, but the best you can do in this situation for YOURSELF is to stop being so predictable. In other words, he's EXPECTING you to chase him... If he has a big ego, its all just a game to him.... not to mention, humiliating you in front of complete strangers.

 

If he is making things up about you, saying you text him when you don't, call him when you don't-- harass him... Its all done just to see your reaction and to get a rise out of you. Point is hon, your boyfriend isn't the same man that you fell in love with.. You need to tell yourself that. He's different and you're right, has chosen that life and those scum over you. HIS LOSS, NOT YOURS. There is really no 1 reason why he'd do it.. and you need not focus on WHY he's doing it, moreover THAT he's doing it.

 

I would avoid him entirely at all possible. If he doesn't see you, he has no one to really sport his entertainment, per say. Soon, his friends will tire of him and his talking about you and want him to move on. Surround yourself with friends and family. Do something FOR yourself. Visit a pet-store, puppies always cheer someone up!

 

Just keep your chin up, nothing is impossible... this too soon will pass. You are still young yet, and have a lot to learn about the cruelty of life and the cruelty of relationships. He's been around longer, and is more experienced at it--- and all he's doing is dragging you down to his level and beating you with experience... Don't walk, RUN!

 

I hope this helps... Hang in there!

[Ated]

Wow... you sound really experienced. I noticed u answered both my posts... THANKS SO MUCH FOR THAT!!! (F) *sigh* true, he isnt the same person. I just wish i never gave him the upperhand. And oy ur right. It sucks i had to learn the lesson the hard way. but i guess im glad i did so i dont do it agian. But i still think maybe i DID deserve it? but... i cant let his words beat me i spose. Hes taken enough already, i cant let him take everything. But he just really REALLY damaged my self-esteem u know? like fully!! i mean, im already a negative type of gril u know? shy, modest, always see things negatively. if a person gives me a compliment, im like... oh ur just saying that, even tho they mean it. and i hate myself for letting him do this to me. i'm healing and all but i just wish he would (soon) see that he was wrong and not do it to another girl. It hurts sooo bad.

 

As for his friends, i dont htink they talk about me at all. Which is better i guess. One of his friends told me that he just keeps quiet. and he told me too that his friends think im a 'psycho' cos of the 'harassing and calling'

 

ERHHHH whatever!! but sumtimes i feel like im letting them beat me up. the worse thing about it is im too upholding of values and my morals! i just cant help but prove to them that im not a 'psycho' and im really a sweet girl!

 

True heart, i dunno how to say it but i really really appriciate ur posts, if u have any more advice... believe me, i TAKE IT IN with me!!! in fact, that quote of urs is already buried in me!

[TrueHeart]

Well, I am sure happy to help out. And yes, I am experienced, but I had to learn the hard way... and MY experience didn't come free either.. I paid for it with many years of tears, heartache, pain and sadness.. Quite a price to pay.. But I don't want to let it be wasted in vain, so I just pick up and LEARN from it. Naturally, you will blame yourself-- mostly because you feel SO STUPID, right? Thats all part of learning.

 

Your a pessimist, and pessimists always see things negatively. Especially when something like this happens, because then you wonder why it happened and what you did-- its just how you are. I am part pessimist too, partially because I cannot handle compliments either. Don't want to sound conceited or anything.

 

Sometimes we have to meet a few WRONG people in life to really know when the RIGHT one comes in, so we know how to appreciate him and not take it for granted. I guarentee now you have more insight on the whole 'relationship' thing than you did a year ago, right? See, you've atleast learned something. Never just STOP trusting people, just be more careful how you trust.

 

I can relate to you so well because you're like me, you love with your WHOLE heart-- and when it breaks, it absolutely shatters. Your self-esteem gets knocked down, and you really feel in the dumps.... but not to worry.. because the only person that can fix that is YOU.. You've got to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue walking.. My biggest problem was I was so co-dependant on another person for my happiness... Thats ok when the other person reciprocates that, but when they don't-- you love in vain.

 

HIS friends calling you those things are no different than anyone else saying that about you---- the only difference is that you actually HEAR it, so of course it bothers you. You have nothing to prove to them... they're stoner losers who put other people down because it makes THEIR own self-esteem feel better.... kind of like a grown-up (saying very loosely) version of a playground bully. You have NOTHING to prove to them... you KNOW you're not a psycho, or anything like that... and you just have to say to yourself "Well.. I'm SO sorry you feel that way about someone you don't even know yourself.."

 

See? Then you beat them at their OWN game! Aha! ((fanfare)) The same mentality goes towards your X. A form of reverse psycology always does the trick...

[Ated]

Thanks for that. My visons everyday are getting clearer and clearer. Yeah, he's one of my 'serious' relationships. It beats me cos i was soooo strong before u know? Like evryone admired me for my 'braveness' like... i'd go up to a guy and just say hi even if i didnt know him. But now, i totally changed to. Like i use to be popular among my peers, then after going out wtih him, i turned into this shy type girl. Like, i dont even think if a guy came up to me, ill be able to say anything!

 

I do find comfort in this forum. But i cant help but feel like im whining and you guys are only hearing one-side of the story. But i mean, our mutual friends were on my side. even they said that he wasnt worth it.

 

Guys thanks sooo much for helping me. Im only a meter away from getting over it finally!! Only a couple of days??? HOPEFULLY.

 

But one last question, what do i do if he realises that he was wrong and apologise. I know i still 'love' him. but as a good friend way. Should we be still friends? Cos i recall one of his new friends saying to me that... "its not the best idea, cos if he's treating u like this when ur dating, i dont think he'll give u anymore respect when ur friends!" Good point. But i dunno if i should really take her advice?? lol

[TrueHeart]

Yes... absolutely.. She is 100% correct.

 

If he does that justice to you and apologizes, it will make you feel better and finally give you the CLOSURE you need. Don't let him sucker you back into a relationship, because he will only disrespect you more for that.

 

No no, if he does that-- remind him he had his chance, burned that bridge-- but you accept his apology... That way, not only are you doing yourself a favor, you'll be showing him YOUR the bigger person...

 

I'm sooooo happy you're on your way to becoming over his loser. Just remember that you're not whining, you're a person whose been hurt and seek comfort...

 

You go girl! I wish I could give you a hug!!! \

[Ated]

Haha!!! That last post was very very comforting! Now im really over it. 99.9%!!! \ This one made my day! ahahah

 

Thanks true heart! Ur right! I'll tell him "sorry man, u can't have a piece of this anymore!" hahah Man, not to be mean but... it would really make me feel SO good if i slap him after i said that!

 

Ok come now... can't be too violent! maybe just a kick in the groin area.

 

Wow. i really do feel better!

 

So what are you upto now? You single? or what?? You seem so content and problem free?? I wish i can be like that!

[xxatti]

Ated-

 

Men at the ages of 21-24 are at their peak of immaturity.

 

Hey!! I resent that statement TrueHeart. J/K In all honesty, you're probably right. But there are a lot of us who are very mature at that age.

[TrueHeart]

Oh yes xxatti!! Indeed... There are those out there who defy the laws of men who can be jerks.. I just wish I'd meet a few of them...

 

And Ated-- Since I've gotten out of my last relationship, I have rediscovered myself again.. Once again, I paid a price-- I sacrificed my identity for someone... its the worst!

 

I am posting a scenerio today, I invite all of you to tell me figure this one out.... even you xxatti..