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The ambiguous breakup


dg7

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My bf(I'll call him EX from here on out) is most likely trying to play a headgame with me by giving me a silent treatment after some harsh words he spoke to me. It's a control thing..he will suddenly reappear and try to act like nothing happened and totally disregard my feelings. I let him do this to me so many times in the past (in hindsight) under the guise of ok youre back but we need to work on our communication skills, etc. At this point we should be passed giving silent treatments. How he is treating me is degrading and dismissive.

 

I don't want to be here when he decides he's going to come back around this time. For all I know he has left for good, forever. It could very well be the case. I am upset that I feel like I've been just walked all over and strung all around. In my mind this is a breakup. Passive aggressive behavior really really does not sit well with me. In the past I would have tried to reach out to him while he's off in his little silent treatment mode. I think it was a power thing, he did like me to pursue him and he could get power over the circumstance. Why should it always be ME doing this. Not working for me anymore. I definitely want to break up with him, want him OUT OF MY LIFE. I think the way he treats me is emotionally abusive. Should I wait till he decides to show back up to tell him that it's over? Or not tell him at all and do a permanent silent treatment on him (NC-broken up) to stick it to him after he's been doing this dysfunctional thing to me for so long? I'm angry and sad. He knows it hurts me when he does this. That's why he does it.

 

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I posted this in the unsent letters thread, too. :

 

Making this silent treatment permanent is my only choice. It's too painful to do this with you every couple weeks...your ways are dysfunctional and there is no excuse that would make me accept being treated this way. Your silent treatments don't do anything but show how mean you can be. They are degrading too. Like usual you will come back in a few days as if nothing happened, but I won't be there to pick up the severed, broken, shattered pieces. I am in so much pain. I have a hard time believing if you love someone you would do this to them.

 

I have met someone else who is picking up your broken pieces with me, someone so kind who would never speak to me and treat me in those ways that you did.

 

Two years, so many days spent together, and I always knew that I wasn't it for you. I kept hoping you would really fall in love and see me in a wonderful new light but that never happened. It was like instead of coming alive, you died. All of your adventurous ways and travels you went on before we met, and I could not inspire you enough to take a weekend getaway with me, not a single one. You were full of many empty promises always blaming your lack of zest of life on your work situation which we both know was just a scapegoat.

 

You should have spent far more time getting over your Ex. You and I's relationship was convenient for you. But all of your passion and love lay in your past.

 

Even though it is painful to come out of that paralyzing fog of denial and hope, it is better that this mask comes off and we can move on. I wish nothing but love and happiness for you...Someday you will fall in love again. (It just wasn't with me) The light will turn on and colors will come back to your world again. It is sad to me because I do love you, if you only loved me too we would have a great life together. In the words of Bonnie Rait, I can't make you love me if you don't. And the writing is finally on the wall... so you take care now... I will be fine. Please do not come back to try it again. You will not meet with the same dg who you knew before. It really is over.

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From reading your post, are you 100% sure you don't want him back? because the last thing a guy wants is for you to voice all this to them just to say you want them back a few days down the line, that can be quite annoying..

 

If you are sure, then everything you said in the unsent letter say it to him verbally, that should hit the nail on the head, unless he takes heed of what you've said, apologizes and decides he wants to make things work with you? how would you feel about that?? Make sure you've meant everything you've said and move on.

 

G.Luck!

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DG7, my BF does the same thing to me. I'm not really sure if it is the silent treatment or he just needs time to think. Men and women are really different when it comes to this. Women(or at least me) want to clear the air and make up and talk about it. Men(at least my bf) wants to cool off and think. Maybe he isn't being passive aggressive. Maybe this is just his way of dealing with arguments. you said he does this all the time.

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If you are sure, then everything you said in the unsent letter say it to him verbally, that should hit the nail on the head, unless he takes heed of what you've said, apologizes and decides he wants to make things work with you? how would you feel about that?? Make sure you've meant everything you've said and move on.

 

Hmmm I think I have to just go NC at this point. The reason is that multiple times in the past this has happened, he "takes heed of what I express, he apologizes.. But then here we are again. ](*,) I think the fact that *I* pursued him while he was playing his headgame is what sent him the message that I would put up with it again and again despite his apologies. I finally get it, you don't pursue someone when THEY have treated you wrongly. It was a little game he did.

 

So now I am not only NOT pursuing him into his rabbit hole (which will confuse him- he will expect me to cater to his emotions), I won't be around when he tries to come back out and test me.

 

I swear I have never dealt with such a manipulative person as he has been. I can't wait to move on to a healthy loving relationship where there are no dysfunctional games and power plays. It's seriously exhausting. Him unfairly disappearing on me for days when he has a tantrum and blowing off any plans we had coming up, is crazy. He does all of this on purpose. He did this to me a few times when there was a very special event that I had waited for all year... but it was my "fault" I didn't try to reconcile with him in time for the event as why we missed it. Err...but he was the one who ran off and disappeared after being hateful. Ughhhhhhhh. I can't do this anymore!

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I'd remove the suspense and break up with him. If any of his stuff is at your place, send it to him. Then, go NC. Unless he goes for counseling, this passive/aggressive crap isn't going to improve, trust me. You don't need it.

 

Yeah BTDT, He went to one counseling session for these issues but he stopped going. (That was last year). He did improve for a while on his own ... he said he could get a handle on it himself. It just crept back out though. Even week before last I called him out on his passive aggressiveness when he expected me to read his mind abotu something and got mad at me when I didn't.

 

I cannot be with this person. It's finally time for me to call it quits. In my mind, when you love someone you don't try and hurt them, you are clear about your thoughts and feelings. This is not a guy who truly loves me. I don't get any kind of flow of love towards me from this guy. Even when we're getting along, it's more neutral...he never really expresses anything positive towards me like he's really into us and being together in a positive way.

 

Life is too short for this!

 

As far as removing the suspense goes, I guess if he comes out of his hole and reaches out to me, I will tell him I have moved on.

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well in the end you'll do what you want. You're going through exactly what I went through.

 

You know the worst part of it all? My ex and I had got in a huge fight because I couldn't come to see him, I had to study for my nursing exams. I finally decided that it was that, I was not calling him. For him to get that annoyed at me for that, it was not my responsiblity to call him after all the times he'd ignore me. (he would not pick up the phone for days, only when he felt it was convienient for him). Anyway, 5 days later, I went on FACEBOOK, and he removed our 'relationship' status and deleted me. THAT was our break up. How spineless.

 

Let me tell you something. People like this do NOT change. Do you think it will change if you live together? No, actually it will probably get worse. I put up with it for 2 1/2 years when I should have left him 6 months into the relationship. I was pretty heart broken, and I hate him for that.

 

It is a control issue. Acht, I'd do away with him. I wrote tons and tons of letters, he never read them. In fact it made him even worse and then somehow "I" would end up apologizing?

 

Forget it.

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It really sucks going through this; so i won't say I'm glad I'm not the only one. I hope you have found a much brighter life without that guy now!

 

I just want to be with a nice guy. I'm finished with all of the constant drama. He's not motivated enough to be much different. (For a while that made ME feel low but I know I shouldn't take it all on me)

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I cannot be with this person. It's finally time for me to call it quits. In my mind, when you love someone you don't try and hurt them, you are clear about your thoughts and feelings. This is not a guy who truly loves me. I don't get any kind of flow of love towards me from this guy. Even when we're getting along, it's more neutral...he never really expresses anything positive towards me like he's really into us and being together in a positive way.

 

Life is too short for this!

 

As far as removing the suspense goes, I guess if he comes out of his hole and reaches out to me, I will tell him I have moved on.

 

 

Good for you! Stick with your decision....I'm rooting for you!

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Hey there.

I would go see him, tell him that he is being disrespectful, and that by acting the way he has he has hurt you. I would make your feelings very clear, and then tell him that you want to break up because of this behaviour. NO one should feel the way you feel. Being ignored and him playing head games is not fair, and very selfish.

Do not return the ignoring behaviour. Tell him how you feel, and why you are desiding to break up.

That way he will know what he has done wrong, and he cannot blame you for being a hypocrite. Stay strong and move on afterwards.

Good luck!

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Hey there.

I would go see him, tell him that he is being disrespectful, and that by acting the way he has he has hurt you. I would make your feelings very clear, and then tell him that you want to break up because of this behaviour. NO one should feel the way you feel. Being ignored and him playing head games is not fair, and very selfish.

Do not return the ignoring behaviour. Tell him how you feel, and why you are desiding to break up.

That way he will know what he has done wrong, and he cannot blame you for being a hypocrite. Stay strong and move on afterwards.

Good luck!

 

yeah but hes been ignoring her

 

and he is abusive...so whether she goes round to break up, this would be great for him, its a reaction, he wont see it as a loss. the best way to deal with abusers is to go NC and thats it.

 

emotional manipulator passive-aggressive control freaks dont 'get' mature break ups

 

but OP, do some work on you too...toxic relationships like this leave scars xxx

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It sounds like what my ex the sociopath used to do. Drop him like a hot rock and don't look back. He will only get worse. Telling him how you feel won't matter, because people like this don't give a damn about how anyone else feels. They have no sense of guilt or remorse. Knowing that they made someone else feel bad only empowers them. I'd give him the permanent silent treatment and not give him one word of explanation.

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