Please weigh in

[rla874]

My ex and I broke up 7 years ago, we dated 3 years previous to that.

 

Essentially we broke up because I was sick of his lack of ability to follow through with any plans in his life. I left for university, while he stayed in our home town doing odd jobs. I was tired of the lack of drive, and his lack of ability to be responsible for his own actions. It always seemed that he had big plans, with no way to get there. Or he would start something and never finish or commit himself fully. The only thing he was committed to was our relationship- this was something he made clear regardless of if we were together or not.

 

It seems every 6 months or so he re-appears in my life regardless of steps that I take to ensure he doesn’t.

 

About 3 years ago we had started talking again, we had both moved on, were both living with other people. He wanted to get back together. After a lot of thought, I decided that I would be willing to give us one more try. We took the initial steps in getting back together, however a month into this he abruptly told me that he couldn’t see me anymore; that he was going to stay in his other relationship and that they were having a child together.

 

Not only was I confused and hurt; it was this that finally pushed me to stop thinking that maybe one day we would actually get our lives together enough that we could finally have a life we both wanted together.

 

I moved on. I finished school, founded a career, and met someone who is an absolutely wonderful person. We got engaged, started making wedding plans, we took a trip for him to meet my extended family.

 

And then my ex made his re-appearance. Slowly but surely he established some form of communication over facebook, then I agreed to just meet him in person to provide some kind of closure for both of us.

 

Instead of closure I just ended up more confused. He had left me over drama with his now ex. She had threatened abortion of his now twin daughters. So he abruptly stopped seeing me. After a tumultuous relationship with her, he left. Moved into the same city I reside in, and is working in a trade to try to support himself and his 2 kids who live with their mom. He wants to get back together, feels like we have been given a second chance. As he’s single, and I’m not yet married (and have put the breakers on an wedding plans).

 

After months of thought and introspection I know 2 things. The current life I have built is comfortable, is stable and the safe route. My fiancé is a caring, selfless person who always puts his family and friends first. He isn’t argumentative, always respectful and encourages me to follow my dreams-

even if he doesn’t agree with them. He’s patient and keeps me grounded.

 

On the flip side my ex will always be the love of my life. I can’t explain the depth of the love and passion we have together. But really, that’s all we have.

 

I have to wonder if I’m absolutely nuts to be thinking about giving up everything I currently have for an uncertain future with someone who still doesn’t follow through with plans in his life. Has 2 kids with a nightmare of an ex. And doesn't know what he wants, other than a life with me.

 

Any thoughts or bits of wisdom are welcomed here!

[vertigoxo]

The relationship with you and your ex is over. He has clearly shown you from time and time again that he is not very emotionally stable to make important decisions in his life, whether it's a job or the love of his life (you). I'd stay with the current... You will break his heart if you leave him.

 

It's hard to forget a first love or a long term love... But it's time to let go of the past and live in the present.

[Speranza]

The only thing he was committed to was our relationship- this was something he made clear regardless of if we were together or not.

This is nonsensical. You can't be committed to a relationship that doesn't exist. You split up seven years ago.

 

It seems every 6 months or so he re-appears in my life regardless of steps that I take to ensure he doesn’t.

Steps like not blocking him on Facebook? Answering his calls?

 

About 3 years ago we had started talking again, we had both moved on, were both living with other people. He wanted to get back together. After a lot of thought, I decided that I would be willing to give us one more try. We took the initial steps in getting back together, however a month into this he abruptly told me that he couldn’t see me anymore;

Perhaps a little taste of what you'd put your then boyfriend through?

 

I moved on. I finished school, founded a career, and met someone who is an absolutely wonderful person. We got engaged, started making wedding plans, we took a trip for him to meet my extended family.

 

And then my ex made his re-appearance. Slowly but surely he established some form of communication over facebook, then I agreed to just meet him in person to provide some kind of closure for both of us.

Slowly but surely, you BOTH established some form of communication. Take responsibility here, he couldn't possibly have done that alone. It takes two to communicate. This wasn't done to you, you participated.

 

Instead of closure I just ended up more confused. He had left me over drama with his now ex. She had threatened abortion of his now twin daughters. So he abruptly stopped seeing me. After a tumultuous relationship with her, he left. Moved into the same city I reside in, and is working in a trade to try to support himself and his 2 kids who live with their mom.

Those lucky children! He made such an effort to make sure they weren't aborted, now he's left them.

 

He wants to get back together, feels like we have been given a second chance. As he’s single, and I’m not yet married (and have put the breakers on an wedding plans).

 

You know, I began this reply with one idea in my head, but having worked through it slowly, I wonder if you don't actually deserve each other.

 

You think this is some kind of romantic story, perhaps, but you two have left emotional debris (some in the form of children, whom a woman wasn't really prepared to have and now has to raise alone) scattered all over the place.

 

After months of thought and introspection I know 2 things. The current life I have built is comfortable, is stable and the safe route. My fiancé is a caring, selfless person who always puts his family and friends first. He isn’t argumentative, always respectful and encourages me to follow my dreams-

even if he doesn’t agree with them. He’s patient and keeps me grounded.

TBH he sounds too good for you.

 

On the flip side my ex will always be the love of my life. I can’t explain the depth of the love and passion we have together. But really, that’s all we have.

LOVE? You call that love? Passion perhaps, lust certainly. But LOVE?

 

 

I have to wonder if I’m absolutely nuts to be thinking about giving up everything I currently have for an uncertain future with someone who still doesn’t follow through with plans in his life.

You shouldn't have to wonder. It ought to be a no-brainer.

Has 2 kids with a nightmare of an ex.

What a cooincidence, so does she...

 

And doesn't know what he wants, other than a life with me.

What would that consist of, exactly? Other than sex? And you paying the bills?

 

 

Any thoughts or bits of wisdom are welcomed here!

Really?

 

I hope you realise I am playing a bit of a Devils' Advocate here. I'm sure you're not a bad person. But if you take out the 'love' aspect, this is a sorry tale of someone who is prepared to be dragged back into an Ex's fantasy life when she has found a guy who sounds like every sane woman's dream.

 

WHY do you let him contact you? WHY do you play with fire? Only you can make the necessary decisions but -

 

I assume that coming here to ask for help is like needing back-up to get out. Perhaps you are addicted to him, I don't know. Find a friend who thinks you were well rid of him, and let her talk to you until you see sense.

 

And if you DO go back to him, make sure you count up EVERYthing you stand to lose...

[Aviatormy]

I read this... All of it.

 

 

You are in a VERY tough spot.

 

I am sure you have already thought about all of the pros vs. all of the CONS.

 

I think the answer is in your last paragraph. You are NUTS to leave the safe road. Deep down inside you know it is the "safe road" for a reason. There is no love strong or good enough to give up a lifetime of happiness.

 

This does not sound like the typical "Notebook" story. This guy does not sound like he will be by your side in the end when you have alzheimer's does he?

 

Your fiance on the other hand.... DOES!

 

Please go with the fiance. You are just confused and want something that you never can have.

[vertigoxo]

I read this... All of it.

 

 

You are in a VERY tough spot.

 

I am sure you have already thought about all of the pros vs. all of the CONS.

 

I think the answer is in your last paragraph. You are NUTS to leave the safe road. Deep down inside you know it is the "safe road" for a reason. There is no love strong or good enough to give up a lifetime of happiness.

 

This does not sound like the typical "Notebook" story. This guy does not sound like he will be by your side in the end when you have alzheimer's does he?

 

Your fiance on the other hand.... DOES!

 

Please go with the fiance. You are just confused and want something that you never can have.

 

This.

 

Your ex is just playing you for a fool and probably just wants you for some ego strokes here and there before he runs away again.

 

Stay with your fiance. At least he loves you to pieces, unlike your ex.

[seek_4ever]

I'm with everyone else on this one. Your fiance sounds like a stable caring person with whom you can share your life, but your ex, judging by his past behavior, doesn't seem likely to stick around for long. Think about how you'd feel if you broke a good man's heart by leaving him and then wound up alone when your ex did another U-turn and left you.

 

Have you looked into counseling or books about how to break your addiction to a person? It sounds like your ex has some kind of emotional hook that grabs you--I know how that goes, having been hooked repeatedly by those myself. I think you'd be happiest if you could unhook yourself and whole-heartedly leave him behind and move forward with your fiance.