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Still not understanding this


marco76uk

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Over my many years of trying to find someone and getting nowhere, the same pattern has repeated itself over and over again. I meet a girl, she gives every impression of being potentially interested and liking my company, sometimes openly flirting. But as soon as I ask her out, she'll say “oh yes, yes, I'd love to. Oh, but right now I'm really busy, some other time.” From there, whatever I do it will never happen.

 

I've found you have to just give up at that point: you'll never get any honest answers about what they feel, and the trump card they'll always keep in reserve is “I never asked to be involved with you.” In general it's true I made the first move because that's what's expected, but sometimes I wasn't even that keen on the girl but she pushed me until I asked her out, before baling out.

 

It doesn't seem to make any difference how I ask them out: whether I'm fast and direct, whether I build it up slowly through friendship, the response is always the same. Yes, everyone gets some rejection, but it shouldn't be happening 100% of the time and always at the same point.

 

I've asked all my friends about it, including people who won't hold back in speaking the truth, but none of them understand it either: of course I'm not perfect, but I have a lot to offer, people do like being around me – by any prediction I should have had a lot more dates and maybe a couple of short relationships. What's the “problem”?

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It could be a couple things.

 

It could be the women you have a habit of going after. It's possible that they are just flirty attention-seekers who like attention from any guy without actually having a date them. It could also be that you are being friend-zoned because you seem more like friend material than romance material. Clearly I have no idea of who you are as a person, but I find that most guys who get friend-zoned are the ones who are overly emotional about things, very sensitive, and not very confident. Maybe you could be coming accross as these things to them?

 

You could also wait around for a bit to see if any girls ask you out. It's not traditional, but if they are genuinely interested, they probably will anyway.

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Saf, thanks for the response.

 

A certain amount of it yes has been girls wanting my attention but not wanting to give anything in return. But from all those who aren't like that I still get no attention or sign of interest beyond friendship.

 

Though all the rejections have knocked my confidence a bit, I don't think I radiate insecurity. Physically I'm in good shape and am reasonably good-looking. I've had loads of "just as friends" dates with girls who were in relationships, nearly all of which were very successful. But only one "real" date - that was the one girl who did ask me out, she came on way too strong but I said yes anyway and it was ok.

 

So yes, I just don't understand why there's such a brick wall between flirting/friendliness and dating, especially as many people seem fine with dating people they aren't madly in love with.

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It could be that they just don't want to put themselves in an awkward situation. For example, I know that if a guy can't make me laugh I'm totally not gonna struggle through a date with him humoring his jokes.

Similarly, the jokes I make don't get universal laughs so I kinda have to wait around for guys who are similar to me in that sense.

I'm not trying to say you don't have a sense of humor, but it could be something as simple as that being the block. Not being able to make them laugh, not having an easy flow in the conversation, or even letting loose too much information on them before they really have known you for very long.

 

Or if you were feeling particularly brave and masochistic, you could ask them after they reject you why they don't like you enough for a date. But that stuff is rarely fun to hear

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Saf, what you say is very sensible, though my sense of humour is meant to be one of my strengths! It doesn't work on everyone of course (tends to be quite dry/subtle), but when it doesn't it's usually that I'm not getting enough to work with.

 

If a girl is being totally monosyllabic and humourless herself, it's a bit mean of her to turn me down because I wasn't being funny enough! Of course, in that scenario I wouldn't expect her to say yes to a date. It's the ones who seem to find my jokes hilarious and still turn me down I can't get my head around.

 

The problem with getting feedback is what I said at the start: they won't be straight with me. If they gave a polite but firm "no", then I would say "ok, I respect that, but is there any advice you can give for another time?". (I would love it if someone asked me that, and do my best to give really helpful advice.) But they will always do it with an excuse, and then pull away/stop replying. So it's a bit difficult to tell them straight that their excuse is a total lie.

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It's always easy to pick holes in individual cases, but for example: I met a girl at a party, we had a great time but after a while I had to go. She didn't live in my city but came to visit friends quite often. I got in touch with her online, checked she was single, and we had a couple of chats and exchanged some messages. She was very flirty and seemed interested, so early on I suggested she let me know next time she was coming to town and we could go for a coffee. More than once she said yes, definitely, see you soon.

 

To me that felt the right balance between making moves and not going over the top, given we didn't know each other well. But time passed, we messaged some more, then I asked again if she was coming any time soon. She replied with “oh, I came last week, had a great time, shame you weren't there.” I replied very politely saying that was disappointing to hear, and of course she never answered.

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