Huh..

[Shnoodle]

I'm not sure what forum to post this in, oddly. I guess I tend to keep most my posts here. Please keep in mind I'd prefer not to hear any "He's just using you, go NC!". I trust him and our friendship is not like that, and if anything I've been by far the more aloof one. I'd like come off warmer, but it's scary to feel vulnerable.

 

More to the point:

 

Sometimes I don't know if my ex and I are getting closer or further apart.

It's been hot/cold and we've both been confused about what we want and how we feel. At one point reconciliation was discussed but emotions were still pretty raw. I'm not sure if it's even still on the table.

 

Today I had the longest conversation with my ex since the break up 3 months ago, we talked on skype for a whopping 7 hours!

 

The pros:

It was really nice, we had good conversation, much more than the typical playful banter we normally bounce back and forth. I can tell the skills I learned from mirroring/prevalidation have made improvements in how I communicate. Normally he'll keep semi pre-occupied and just hang out with me, but I had his full attention most of the entire time. At one point he even started singing a song he used to sing to me when we were together. I offered to let him go maybe 3 times (the last was 15 minutes or so before the call ended) and he was insistent I stay unless I wanted to leave. It's not like I had anywhere to be, I didn't want to insult him ..and after all I enjoy talking with him. He could have been just being polite, meh. There's actually a few more pros, but I'm going to try to keep this brief.

 

The cons:

Recently he's been extremely flirtly, today not so much. His reason for ending the conversation was vague, "stuff" actually. (ouch.) 7 hours is a long time to talk.. I should have probably ended the convo sooner but ah well.

 

The things that make you say "Hmm":

I was talking about my mid/long-term goals, with career and possibly moving; at this part he didn't say anything but I thought I could hear his breath kind of catching in his throat and he got quiet.. maybe I'm a psycho and imagining things. Also right before he left, he mentioned he was being messaged in Skype by a female friend of his. She's absolutely no threat. She's exceptionally sweet, and if he goes to any of his friends for relationship-advice, she'd be the most grounded. I got her approval back in the day. I'm not going to make the assumption he asks for her advice or that she's on my side, (after all, he's a fairly private person) but I do have to wonder. It's easily possible I'm reading too much in to things.

 

Ex relationships are always strange compared to normal friends, it's hard to perceive if they like you, or just like you. There's so much history it makes things cloudy. I know he's been trying to feel me out, I'm just not sure why. If he wasn't my ex I would be convinced he was crazy about me. I feel a little clueless.

While I find him attractive and I was happy when I was with him, I'm not entirely focused on reconciliation. It's still up for consideration, but he'd have to make it clear that it's what he wanted first. I'm a bit apprehensive asking a public forum for advice on a personal matter, but the people I know are judgemental and give terrible advice.

 

I'm curious to hear opinions on the subject.

[DylanNotorious]

What's the actual question here? Would need to know why you guys broke up first.

[Shnoodle]

Haha. I don't think it's entirely relevant, but it was mostly related to insecurities on both our parts, and I got a bit clingy and untrusting. Yes I have worked on it, and I do think if we did decide to give things another go it's not likely to flare up again.

 

I've learned to recognize when I'm feeling insecure, and when I am to evaluate how much of it is in my head. I've also had to come to terms with why I have such a difficult time trusting.

 

I'm less asking for any exact advice and more general opinions, but I'd be interested in whatever anyone's thoughts on the situation were, or how anyone might handle it.

[DylanNotorious]

Ok well I'd keep doing what your doing, keeping the friendship going. Dosn't sound like he's ready to let you go.

[tattoobunnie]

Well, if you're not sure about getting back together with him, then who cares if he wants to.

 

It's pretty much like saying, "if he wants me, then I want him." "Only if it's a sure thing." Makes no sense. Or do you just not wanna be vulnerable? Have you ever considered he's just dipping his toe in too?

 

What do you want?

 

There's an interesting quote I heard, "if a person doesn't know what they want, they don't deserve what they have."

[Siriana]

While I find him attractive and I was happy when I was with him, I'm not entirely focused on reconciliation. It's still up for consideration, but he'd have to make it clear that it's what he wanted first.

 

who was the dumper?

[Shnoodle]

Well, if you're not sure about getting back together with him, then who cares if he wants to.

 

It's pretty much like saying, "if he wants me, then I want him." "Only if it's a sure thing." Makes no sense. Or do you just not wanna be vulnerable? Have you ever considered he's just dipping his toe in too?

 

What do you want?

 

There's an interesting quote I heard, "if a person doesn't know what they want, they don't deserve what they have."

 

I see it more as "why should I bother pining after someone who doesn't want me?" I guess there's always 2 ways to look at a glass.

 

who was the dumper?

He was.

[WindowTo]

You are "trusting" that this guy is not using you in some way based on a false assumption. That assumption being that intentional malice a is needed for you to get used... It isn't. He probably is very confused and his emotions are probably indeed very raw, but that doesn't mean he is not keeping you in his pocket until something else comes along, or until he discovers that he there is something else that he wants more. A lot of people don't look at it in the way of "I have a responsibility to not lead this person on". Confusion justifies this sort of noncommital behavior leading up to another rejection in many people's minds.

 

No offense, but this is a typical story. You were more into it than he was. This lowered his attraction to you. He broke up with you. He isn't that great with girls in the first place and he is going through intimacy withdrawal so he misses you. Comes back to you and starts reconnecting. Beware if something flashier catches his attention he will probably be off again. I am not saying that you should give up. But you should not invest too much in this emotionally. People who do what your ex is probably doing have a rather juvenile way of letting go.

[tattoobunnie]

No one is saying to pine, fumble, stay, go...

 

Figure out what you want first. Then, act accordingly.

 

Right now, you say you don't know what you want. Then what does it matter if he wants you or not.

 

And just because a person wants you, doesn't mean you should be with them...

[fLuiD]

Weigh your options. Reconciliation v. Friendship v. No Contact. It's great that you can still have civil conversation with your ex, but you need to determine what the purpose of these conversations really are. Do you want him to make the first suggestion of reconciliation because you really want to reconcile, or is it just because you are scared to put a little too much out there and him not reciprocate?

Do you want to establish a friendship with him and are willing to risk everything that comes with befriending an ex? Are you going to be able to keep within the boundaries of friendship? Do you hold any kind of resentment towards him and how the break up went down?

 

I get this vibe from your post that says 'I only want it, if he wants it.' Whether its reconciliation or an effort at establishing a friendship. You may have to be a little more assertive and lead the conversations into things you need to clear up or want to know more about. This will get rid of some of the 'hot and cold' feelings. You will both speak your minds and come to some mutual agreement or understanding.

 

It sounds like you two can reconcile if there is some attraction still left, but also establish a good friendship if reconciliation is not an option.

[uncomfynumb]

I'm not sure what forum to post this in, oddly. I guess I tend to keep most my posts here. Please keep in mind I'd prefer not to hear any "He's just using you, go NC!". I trust him and our friendship is not like that, and if anything I've been by far the more aloof one.

 

So you want us to tell you what you want to hear?

 

Alrighty then!

 

Stay with him. Let him continue to have the comfort of your friendship, someone to talk to, and keep stroking his ego. Don't make any demands on him and enjoy the limbo that you are in!

 

The truth, as I see it is, you would not be there if you didn't want him. You said yourself

It's still up for consideration, but he'd have to make it clear that it's what he wanted first.

 

I think the first step for you would be to be honest with yourself about what it is that you want, inspite of how vulnerable that it makes you appear or feel or whatever.

 

In order to give and receive love fully and completely and to have a "real" relationship, you have to be able to make yourself 100% vulnerable, you must be able to take that risk. And if you can't do that, then step number two would be to see a therapist and get help with that before trying at a real relationship.

[Shnoodle]

So you want us to tell you what you want to hear?

 

Alrighty then!

 

Stay with him. Let him continue to have the comfort of your friendship, someone to talk to, and keep stroking his ego. Don't make any demands on him and enjoy the limbo that you are in!

.

 

I appreciate your advice, and normally I side with the Greg Behrendt-style school of thought, but I always found his views on reconciliations to be a little jaded. Though I do deserve a guy who absolutely wants to be with me, for sure.

 

I'm not in agony being friends with my ex, by not investing too much in to it, and mostly expecting nothing from him. Only in the last 2-3 weeks have we been in regular contact. I try to look at it as a potential, not something I depend on. If things with him and I are the same way further down the road, I'll be more inclined to agree.

 

Do you want him to make the first suggestion of reconciliation because you really want to reconcile, or is it just because you are scared to put a little too much out there and him not reciprocate?

Do you want to establish a friendship with him and are willing to risk everything that comes with befriending an ex? Are you going to be able to keep within the boundaries of friendship? Do you hold any kind of resentment towards him and how the break up went down?

 

I get this vibe from your post that says 'I only want it, if he wants it.' Whether its reconciliation or an effort at establishing a friendship. You may have to be a little more assertive and lead the conversations into things you need to clear up or want to know more about. This will get rid of some of the 'hot and cold' feelings. You will both speak your minds and come to some mutual agreement or understanding.

 

I always believed the man should chase the woman, and the dumper should chase the dumpee. He's has a dominant personality, and I'm more passive.. This would be the second time Ive kept thinking "If you like me, do something about it", the first time was before we got together. He chased and chased but never made the "move" till I finally admitted to him that I liked him more than just a friend.

It's possible I've dreaded asserting myself this time because I didn't want to be rejected, and I didn't want to put pressure on him. I don't resent him for the break-up, and when we first got back in contact I got a few mild resentment vibes from him, but I haven't noticed them in a long while.

 

 

On a side note, I think I may have given him vibes that he has been possibly friend-zoned. It sucks that I don't "play" hard to get, it's just kind of my personality's default. Apparently my friends, family, and even anonymous people on a public forum can't tell if I want him or not.. I have to wonder what he makes of it.

I'm just not sure how to be warm enough where he feels safe broaching the subject without seeming like a weak, easy doormat. I guess pride can be a double-edged sword.

[fLuiD]

I always believed the man should chase the woman, and the dumper should chase the dumpee.

 

I agree. But, if the right person comes along, we sometimes do things out of our character. If you like this person enough, reach out to him and make a little effort. He may also be so lost in his interest in you, that he may have become a little more passive in dealing with you. If you get rejected, I think you can bounce back from it since you two seem to get along as friends.

[tattoobunnie]

On a side note, I think I may have given him vibes that he has been possibly friend-zoned. It sucks that I don't "play" hard to get, it's just kind of my personality's default. Apparently my friends, family, and even anonymous people on a public forum can't tell if I want him or not.. I have to wonder what he makes of it.

I'm just not sure how to be warm enough where he feels safe broaching the subject without seeming like a weak, easy doormat. I guess pride can be a double-edged sword.

 

To get what you want in life, you have to start by asking for it first. You want love, be loving. If you think someone is a jerk-face, they are a jerk-face.

 

I don't really see pride anywhere here. So what if he's aggressive and you're passive. Do you always want to type yourself as that? Are you satisfied with not being able to be forth-coming? Tip-toeing with what you want, your desires, all cuz you'll think you'll scare someone off. If telling a person what you really want bothers them, f--- them.

 

Why would anyone really know what you want? We can't tell you that, no one can. I mean, we can tell you to do this, that, want that, this...While it's easy to go with other people's advice, so you don't have to take responsibility in the outcome. Ultimately, everything is your choice in this world.

 

Figure out what you want, what kind of person you want, and commit to it.