Giving things time...

[TheMattAdams]

Hi, I'm sort of new here, and I don't really know if I'm posting this in the right place. But anyway here's my story. I've been dating this girl for quite sometime now, she's really great and I'm starting to believe that I'm falling in love with her. Just recently her past came back to haunt her. You see before she moved to my town, she used to live in Ohio and something very horrible happened. She was raped by a guy she wouldn't go out with. She recently told me this because her Mom keeps calling her saying that she has to pres charges aginst this guy. Well when she told me this I felt so many things, I was angry and confused. I was angry because she was such a great and sweet girl and didn't deserve something like this to happen to her.

 

She told me that she was going to need some space from me and from the feelings we have so that she can sort this out. It's just becoming very hard because I miss her so much, and all I wish is just to hold her again. I really don't want to lose this girl. but it doesn't feel that great just sitting out when all you can do is wait.

[TearsofaDragon20]

It never good to know that a girl that you like or know has been raped. yes alot of anger comes into play and you get more than confused. but with the girl who had to enudre that she will need time but dont distant yourself from her too far. then she may think you're not wanting to be there for her. she will need support from you no doubt about that at all. i had a few of my friends who were girls that had been raped and i will not go in to detail but all the consequences were paid (keeping this non-violent). so yeah it will get you in an angered state and it will confuse the heck out of you you wont really know how to stay sane. but just be there for her and help her through it. because for her she's gotta live with that horrible memory for the rest of her life and you just need to be there no matter what it may be. take care and good luck. later.

[mermayd]

For a girl to be raped is exceptionally hard to deal with. She is going through a tremendous amount of pain, confusion, emotional conflict, so many things. It is possible that she is feeling that she cannot trust a man right now, since the incident happened rather recently. She cannot be blamed in the least. The best thing for you to do is to be there for her as her friend as well as her companion. Listen to her when she talks to you. Make her feel comfortable with you. Do NOT make any sexual advances to her, but let her know that the reason you are not doing so is to respect her boundaries and you dont want her to feel violated. Make sure she knows that you care about her and that you are there for her whether she wants to talk to you or not. After this discussion, try not to bring it up again. Leave it up to her to bring it up, leave it up to her to make any advances to you. Just be supporting in every way that you can. I understand how hard it is to be where she is, and I can understand how difficult it is for you as well. But if you are there to support her and show her you care, then she will most likely notice that in you and things should turn out ok. Although she wants her space now, you can still be there for support.

[brandos lovechild]

hiya matt, don't listen to the others, what they say is very easy..but it might not leave you with a relationship at the end. i have every sympathy for her situation, but whatever you do dont fall into that " great friend" category. if u become more of a friend to her,when she gets thru this, it is 99% likely what you will remain. you want2 be her boyfriend, not guy friend. my advice would be..refrain from talking sessions with her on the fone,couch etc.. instead gived her the space she needs and tell her to call You when she feels like doin something or going sumplace together. she'll miss u soon, and u can resume once she does. good luck

[SwingFox]

Hi there Matt,

 

First of all welcome to eNotalone.com and thank you for posting your questions here. I am sorry to read what you are going through. I agree with Mermayd that rape is one of the worst thing that could happen to someone. It is emotionally devastating.

 

I would copy all the advice that has been given to you by Mermayd. She is right about pretty much everything that she adviced. There is one thing I would like to advice you, though: Mermayd is right about waiting things out. If you want things to work with this woman, then that is the one and only move you can do! You have to question yourself, though, if that is really what you want and what you are looking for. I can imagine that this young lady is asking A WHOLE LOT of patience from you. Are you really ready for that? If the answer is 'no', it might be better for you to stay her friend, but leave it by that. I can imagine that things can get really painful for YOU if she is making you wait too long.

 

It is not my intention at all to make you hesitate, but think about what you are looking for and what you really want. I wish you good luck with that.

 

~ SwingFox ~

[bunchoflove]

I can kind of take a different angle on this ...

 

My last girl was supposedly raped not too long before she met me. Whether it's true or not, I don't know.

 

I can tell you that girls act in one of 2 ways when they're raped: 1) they isolate themselves and cut people off because they're frightened, or 2) they screw around a lot, get into drugs, and make their life a lot worse.

 

Mine, I believe, is the latter. As a result, my sexual encounter with her was unsatisfying, confusing, and hardly worth it.

 

Taking time away is what she needs. Just keep in mind that she has an obligation towards your feelings and needs to respect the fact that you're there worrying the entire time. How many women actually consider that fact? If they do, they have a weird way of showing it.

 

Give her time and space? Yes.

How much time and space? Depends on the girl.

 

Could be months, dude. Your best bet is to just assume she isn't going to contact you for a very long time, move on, and live your own life free of her. It might even do YOU some good to have that kind of space.

 

Rape is something she will NEVER get over. It's always going to be an issue in your life as long as she is with you. Are you ready for that kind of responsibility? Can you handle that kind of emotional baggage?

 

I don't blame her for the rape, not at all. I just know nobody is forced into penetration and goes through life the same way, like nothing ever happened. It's called PTS (Post-Traumatic Stress).

 

My girl finally went the way of the doe-doe. Will I see her again? Doubt it, seriously. Why? Probably because the sex I had with her was the breaking point, the verification she needed. I was just another face she tried to use to hide the rapist's as that horrible event replayed over and over again in her mind every night.

 

Watch for the warning signs. They're there. I missed them until it was too late.

 

Don't make the same mistake.