Hooking up with a bartender

[Dougie_D]

I'm pretty much done with this one girl I liked. I realized she has been hooking up with another guy and doesn't really seem to want to talk with me. She didn't even say hi when she walked past me...I had to grab her and say hello...and then she was "Oh, hi...Hope you have a good night"

Anyways...is it THE IMPOSSIBLE to hook up with a waitress or bartender? I really get this feeling these girls might be my only hope!

[metrogirl]

Why are waitresses and bartenders your only hope?

[Dougie_D]

Where else am I suppose to meet girls? At least the waitresses and bartenders are willing to have small talk.

I don't work. I don't go to school. I don't go to church. All my friends are either married, have kids, or in a serious relationship. They RARELY go out now.

I'm pretty much stuck being a bar fly.

[HerDestiny]

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles, Dougie. Maybe I can shed some light on your situation.

 

When I used to bartend, I was very friendly with the customers, of course. We'd have conversations that went on for hours sometimes. When I was busy with other customers, I'd tell them to hold that thought until I got back and had a minute or two to continue our conversation.

 

I'd spend quite a bit of time before I left for work doing everything I could to look good (clothes, hair, makeup) and stayed in great shape because bartending is murder on your legs after so many hours.

 

There were plenty of lonely men who would come in after a divorce or breakup or even guys who hadn't dated anyone. I shyed away from those guys and had a great "friendship" with the guys who understood I was at a job (only reason I was there was to get paid) and there wouldn't be anything between us other than some late night chit chat while I was at work. Sometimes we had a lot of fun when no other customers were around late at night and would crank some great music, make jokes and laugh our heads off.

 

Once in a while just being friendly at my job would confuse a lonely guy and they would think I liked them in a relationship sense. I'd have to back away from that guy and be almost cold to straighten him out and make it clear...I was at work! Just like when you go to a store and the cashier is friendly and smiles (hopefully), that's how I was at my job. A bartender is kind of stuck with the people in the bar. It's not like they can just leave if they want. So, just because someone is nice, polite, smiles and maybe cracks a joke or two and has a conversation with you in this type of environment, it doesn't mean they're interested in you. The fact is...they can't leave.

 

Hope this helps. There are plenty of women out there but this certainly isn't the way to find yourself a girlfriend.

 

 

As a side note: I was never once interested in a customer at work. Not once! Being that I stayed in shape and did my absolute best to look good and I worked hard on my feet all the time, my type of guy was a lot like me. In great shape, conscious of how he looked and dressed and worked hard. Not one customer that came in was my type except one time. A tall Marine in fantastic shape had a bad day. Walked in, had two drinks and left. I never saw him again. Guys in great shape who have themselves together can't and don't hang around in bars.

[HerDestiny]

Why don't you work or go to school, Dougie?

[Dougie_D]

Went to college TWICE. Unless I have a reason to get a degree (since I already have two) I'm wasting my time again.

Job-wise, I really don't have to have one. I've only had one job in my life and it was the worst job ever. I can't even get a job if I wanted one. I don't have much experience...and I was LUCKY to get my first job. They told me later, that they wanted to fire me because I was too slow.

That's not the point. I couldn't find a girl at college or at work at those times. I don't want to think it's my looks but it all seems that way.

[jengh]

Bartenders and waitresses get hit on non-stop so if anything, I think you'll have more competition.

[HerDestiny]

Doug, I don't think there's a lot of women who will date you after finding out you don't have a job, especially if she's got one (or two).

 

I know jobs are hard to come by right now.

 

Have you taken classes for a hobby rather than going after degrees? Volunteer? At least things like this will show ambition.

[Dougie_D]

What if I already have tons of money? I felt like I was retired when I was in high school. People have jobs to make money not just for fun. I'm trying to get internships but they won't let me unless I go to college.

[LightbulbSun]

Dougie, I'm 27 and I'm just starting a 3 year major. I've worked mostly retail jobs up to this point, and it's a bit unsettling being in classes with students who are 9 years younger than me. That being said, I've made some friends, and I'm sure if I wasn't as socially awkward and nervous as I am, I would make more.

 

College is the opportune time to form relationships. It doesn't get any easier once you're out of college, it gets harder. So you're 30? Big deal, I'm sure there's a 21 year old graduate student who would love to date you. Women love older men.

 

There's nothing wrong with your looks, so it has to be your actions that are leading to your lack of success. Me too. As it's been pointed out to me, I lack confidence offline and I'm an awkward mess socially. I know this, since it's also been pointed out to me by friends I know in real life (who are just trying to help.)

 

I think part of you is staying inside your safe zone, by going after women who are clearly not interested in you. Bartenders are there for their jobs; unless she takes you aside and says "Hey, I like you", she's probably not interested. I've also taken friendliness as showing signs of interest, and it's always a disaster when I misjudge.

 

I don't really know how to read signs of interest accurately, but I can tell you that it's probably not going to be a bartender, who's friendly with everyone.

[hers]

I have a guy friend who is like you. He's 27, doesn't have to work (wealthy through a lawsuit with a drunk driver) and doesn't have to attend school anymore. He hasn't had a girlfriend in 4 years and hasn't gotten laid in nearly as long. Why is he unsuccessful with girls? Not b/c he's not a nice and funny guy. But b/c he lacks ambition and all he does is go to bars and talk to the waitresses and bartenders. I can't tell you how many times he's been "smitten" with a cute bartender or waitress b/c he mistakes their attention (read: their job) as interest. He's asked many of them out and has gotten turned down each time.

 

I have to ask: if you don't work and don't go to school and don't have to do anything really, what do you do with your time? What do you have to talk about with others? What sort of conversation would you be able to keep up with these girls who get hit on all the time as it is? What makes you different from all the others?

 

I'm a waitress. My favorite thing to do is talk with my tables. I love all the different conversations I can have. Love it!! Do I get hit on? Sometimes. Have I been asked out and gotten numbers? You bet. Do I date them? Not at all. Even when I didn't have a boyfriend I didn't date guys who hit on me at work. Why? B/c I was just doing my job and putting on a friendly (and not fake) face b/c I enjoy it. It doesn't mean I was interested.

 

Your lack of ambition and drive paired with your lack of self-esteem will keep you from getting a good girl. Start volunteering, get a part-time job, take up a hobby that takes up a good bit of your time. Don't become a bar fly to get a girl. It's definitely not attractive.

[Dougie_D]

I had a job for almost 5 years. I asked out at least 10 co-workers

All said no. I honestly don't know anyone that's dated someone they work with

I know girls that have dated people with no jobs no degrees and no car

[LightbulbSun]

I had a job for almost 5 years. I asked out at least 10 co-workers

All said no. I honestly don't know anyone that's dated someone they work with

I know girls that have dated people with no jobs no degrees and no car

 

Hmm, well let's see...

 

- The second job I worked at, a guy who I worked with started dating a girl (who I also worked with) I had a crush on. They ended up dating, splitting up, and getting back together within a number of weeks.

- The third job I worked at, the guy I worked with was introduced to the job by his girlfriend, who worked as a cashier (he worked in the deli.) They split up, but he started dating someone in another department.

- The fourth job I worked at, there wasn't dating, per se, but there was this girl who I worked with who had a crush on me, and wanted to date me. If I hadn't blown it, I probably would have ended up in a relationship with her.

 

Typically, it's a bad idea for coworkers to date, but it does happen. The only difference is I don't know where you worked - I worked retail jobs, so it would be more common for me to date a girl I worked with...or for a coworker to date a coworker.

 

As far as asking out 10 girls...man, that's nothing! I asked out 10 girls in high school, ALL rejected me. But you can't let 10 girls get to you, because half the population out there are women, and there are millions of girls you could be dating instead of those 10.

[hers]

you guys are acting like it's a numbers game, like if you ask out x number of girls, at least y number will respond. you want to get a date? stop acting desperate and down aboutyourself b/c you're in your 20s and not getting any...you both seem to have a pity party going on...chances are, taht's coming through with girls and that's why you're not getting any yes responses.

[Capricorn3]

I had a job for almost 5 years.

Are you working NOW?

[Dougie_D]

At least I've asked girls out. That shows ambition right!?

Some guys have the luck of THE GIRLS asking them out

[LightbulbSun]

I WAS always told it was a numbers game. Even players have told me it's a numbers game.

 

Replace 'desperate' with 'anxiety attacks' and you've got me in a pinch. And I agree with you, hersmudders, I have A LOT to work on. I'm coming here for advice, not sympathy. I want to get out of my * * * * ty situation.

[G-Snap]

Where else am I suppose to meet girls? At least the waitresses and bartenders are willing to have small talk.

I don't work. I don't go to school. I don't go to church. All my friends are either married, have kids, or in a serious relationship. They RARELY go out now.

I'm pretty much stuck being a bar fly.

 

You need to be careful because they engage in friendly small talk for tips, not necessarily because they have interest in their customers.

[hers]

That's good LBS. A lot of guys on here don't see it the same way though. Including, it seems, the OP here. Asking girls out, dougie, doesnot show ambition and drive. I'm talking about things that are your reason for getting up in the morning, having something you love and want to talk about to someone else. A reason for having a conversation.

 

I was asking my question genuinely, dougie. What do you have to contribute to the conversation? What makes you different from all the other guys who ask out waitresses and bartenders?

[Capricorn3]

Dougie, do you have a job? Are you working at this time?

[bruinsy81]

If the OP doesn't have to work why would he consider getting a job?I don't think getting a job or volunteering is necessarily going to land him a good girl.

[hers]

If the OP doesn't have to work why would he consider getting a job?I don't think getting a job or volunteering is necessarily going to land him a good girl.

 

no but it'll give him something to give hima reason for getting up each day other than to get a girlfriend. and honestly, as a girl, if a guy told me he didn't have to work at all, even if he was rich, and didn't do anything, he'd be extremely unattractive to me. extremely. you don't have to work to make money. you should work to be a contributing member of society. not just for the economy or for tax reasons or anything like that, but so as to be something other than just another unemployed person, even if you're unemployed by choice.

[Capricorn3]

no but it'll give him something to give hima reason for getting up each day other than to get a girlfriend. and honestly, as a girl, if a guy told me he didn't have to work at all, even if he was rich, and didn't do anything, he'd be extremely unattractive to me. extremely. you don't have to work to make money. you should work to be a contributing member of society. not just for the economy or for tax reasons or anything like that, but so as to be something other than just another unemployed person, even if you're unemployed by choice.

I feel the same. I think it's the total lack of ambition which I find very off-putting. Sitting around at home all day or in pubs day in and day out is not the most flattering feature for anyone and very unlikely to catch a mate that way.

[G-Snap]

If the OP doesn't have to work why would he consider getting a job?I don't think getting a job or volunteering is necessarily going to land him a good girl.

 

Well, let's face it. MOst women would like the guy they date to have a job or do something meaningful with their day vs lying around. Not that working will land him a good girl, but if he does land one she'll be more interested I am sure if he has productive days. I wouldn't be real thrilled about working everyday and dating a guy who was just playing video games or whatever all day long, even if he were independently wealthy.

[LightbulbSun]

I think you should do something. I agree, if you're not working, and not going to school, what are you doing? Sitting at home playing X-Box all day and eating Frito's?

 

I don't work, but on the other hand, I go to school and attend college. I think that gives me a pass, since I'm studying something and I have goals planned out for the next four years. I do want to get a part-time job, though...that's something I'm going to do once it gets a little bit warmer outside.

 

Dougie, why are you not working or going to school again?