dont know what to do!

[mandylee4christ]

My bf and I have been together over a year and half now. I just recently graduated from design school and the course was a full load- one of those condensed courses, two years jammed into one. The year was long and hard and stressful so my bf had it in his mind to take me away for a weekend to relax and celebrate. We've also been talking about engagement for a while now, and when our plans got cancelled this weekend due to a snow warning, he told me he was planning on proposing. Of course I was upset and hurt because we've been waiting for me to finish school to get engaged. I questioned him on it and asked if we could go this weekend instead and he got upset saying I was ungrateful for the small trip we did take (which was a day trip to the mountains). I agreed that I did sound ungrateful and apologized, but the more I think about it the more angry I am because it seems like we're always waiting for something. Waiting for me to finish school to get engaged, waiting until we're ready to be married, waiting until I get a job to consider starting our lives together... everything is always, "not now, it's bad timing" and I'm just kinda getting tired of it. I have threatened to leave before if we didn't get engaged soon (it seemed like he was all talk and no action) He said he wanted to wait until it was special and until he could take a long weekend and then we can go ahead with our original plans (which more than likely meant he'd try proposing again) but I just started a new job and there's no way I can take a day off already. The next long weekend isn't until August, which means once again more waiting.... I'm kinda frustrated at the whole situation and tired of it all being talk and no action. Anyone have any advice? I made an ultimatum months ago that at the end of August if we still aren't engaged I would consider leaving, I dont know what to do. I wonder if maybe I'm just at the point where I have to accept that it's never going to happen and move on with my life.

[dikaia880]

Tough situation, but I think that you might be getting a little pushy with the engagement...

I think that it's alright to wait to get engaged, if thats what both of you want a little patience is worth it...

At age 21 theres no reason to rush into getting engaged, it could actually hurt the relationship more that it might help...as long as you know that your heading towards marriage the only difference is whether you have a ring on your finger or not...I thinks it thoughtful of him that he wants it to be special...and it seems like he has good reasons to wait...

Don't throw away a good relationship for impatience...

[mandylee4christ]

But how do you know that it's moving in that direction if there's been no action to back it up? That's the hardest part, I mean we can talk about it all we want, but if time keeps passing and still where in the same spot, eventually you just get to that point where you have to consider if waiting will be worth it in the end. I dont know, I want to believe that eventually we'll get married, but if it's been promised so many times and never took place, it just kinda gives me a lot of reason to doubt.

[dikaia880]

If he's worth being married to is he not worth waiting for?

 

How long have you two been together? I really seem to think that he wants it to be special and is waiting to give you that special proposal...

 

the other think I believe is that an engagement isn't something that should be rushed by ultimatums...If you love him, you will wait until he's ready, so I guess the real question is do you love him? It seems to me you do, but that your frustrated, which I can understand...but if it's been talked about and plans have fallen through for reason out of his control I think it's headed that way...It doesn't seem like he's making excuses...

[goodquestion]

But how do you know that it's moving in that direction if there's been no action to back it up? That's the hardest part, I mean we can talk about it all we want, but if time keeps passing and still where in the same spot, eventually you just get to that point where you have to consider if waiting will be worth it in the end. I dont know, I want to believe that eventually we'll get married, but if it's been promised so many times and never took place, it just kinda gives me a lot of reason to doubt.

 

Do you love him enough to wait? I guess you have to ask yourself that question.. Remember, love is patient. I hope this doesn't sound like sugar coating ... but in the end, if you force the issue, you'll probably end up pushing him away ... sorry if this doesn't help, cause I'm basically throwing questions back at you ... one last thing though, he shouldn't be telling you that he was going to propose, that's a little insensitive I would think, tell him to keep it to himself until he goes through with it ... it's only fair to you, you don't need an emotional rollercoaster ride ...

 

 

l8r

[mandylee4christ]

I love him, yes. But I guess I'm just scared of being devastated if it doesn't work out. There were so many times he told me he was close and ready to propose, then when it wouldn't happen and months would pass I'd ask him what what going on and he would say he no longer felt ready- and that's happened about 3 times, so naturally I'm a little freaked of it happening again. When it comes to this issue I really dont trust him. last time he did this was Chrismas time, he was leaving for a trip to Europe for over a month and the night before he left he told me once he returned we'd be getting engaged. He got back, I waited 3 months.... nothing happened, then asked him what was wrong. He told me he wasn't sure anymore and that he didn't know when we would be getting engaged. Naturally I was completely devastated, which is where the 6 month ultimatum came up. It's more of a protection thing for myself to keep this from happening again. (We're going on two years) But have been talking about engagement for over a year and a half.

[mastteddy]

I think Mandy you are absolutely right in your thinking. Keep your August deadline, stay in this relationship till then and if nothing happens, start walking..what your boyfriend is doing is silly to say the least. he can always tell you that he is not ready - PERIOD!!! . By possible engagement dates around, he's shown he's unsure of this relantionship in a way or Instead of giving clear signals, he's just confusing you and then even or phobic to marriage n stuff . you have to walk afer your deadline day - devastated or not ..get used to the idea that he wont commit and the rest will be easy..passing on the buck to you saying that you are being ungrateful..thats not fair at all babe